Every Little Thing
Page 7
“How do I start over at thirty-four?” I could feel the panic rising, my breath hitching as I struggled to draw in air.
Jess grabbed my hands. “Deep breaths, Bailey.” She inhaled and exhaled, gesturing at me to mimic her.
I nearly broke her fingers I squeezed them so hard as I forced through my panic to mimic her, concentrating on my breathing.
After a while I felt muscles I didn’t even know had tensed relax.
Slumping against her couch, I let more tears fall. “I’m scared.”
Tears glistened in Jess’s eyes. “I know. I’ve been there. But starting over can be done, no matter what age you are.” She reached for my hand. “You have me, and you have Cooper and everybody. This town loves you, Bailey. We’ll get you through this.”
“What if I end up alone?”
“Not possible.” She frowned at me. “You’re not considering taking that asshole back just so you won’t be alone?”
“No,” I bit out. “You know, he pushed me away last night. I tried to make love to him and he pushed me away. Of course he was cheating on me! What an idiot I was for not seeing it.” I laughed humorlessly. “I was so convinced he knew we couldn’t do better than each other that it never crossed my mind he’d cheat.”
“What do you mean ‘knew we couldn’t do better than each other’?” Jess crossed her arms over her chest.
I tensed again. I didn’t want to admit to Jess my theory of how Tom and I made sense because of our mutual averageness. “I just mean . . . we were equals, you know.”
Her eyes narrowed, like she didn’t believe me. “For your information every single one of your friends thinks you deserve better than Tom Sutton and the fact that he cheated on you makes him Asshole of the Year. No, scratch that: Ultimate Asshole of the Year.”
Swallowing back a smile I nodded. “Definitely Ultimate Asshole of the Year.”
Jess harrumphed.
“Jess.”
“Yeah?”
“You know I love you, right?”
In answer she squeezed my hands. “We’ll get you through this, Bailey. And you know what? Today, tomorrow feels terrifying. But I’ll bet everything I own that tomorrow, this fresh start will feel exciting.”
“I hope so.”
She shimmied closer to me on the couch and wrapped her arm around me again.
“Oh, God.” I broke our moment of quiet as guilt and horror filled me. “Oh, God, Jess. What I did to Rex?” I looked at her, tears falling again, these ones a product of shame. “That was awful. Horrible. I’m a selfish bitch.”
“Don’t call yourself that. You weren’t thinking clearly. And you know what, you did the guy a favor if you ask me. He needed to know his girlfriend was cheating on him.”
“But not like that. I forced him into the humiliation with me. I’ll have to apologize.”
“Apologize if you want. Not tonight, though, okay? Tonight you’ll stay here and watch stupid movies and eat junk food with me.”
“No, I don’t want to be a bother.”
“I won’t even acknowledge that comment.” She got to her feet. “I’ll go get you something to change into.”
I gave my friend a tremulous, grateful smile. As soon as she disappeared upstairs, Louis bounding up after her and taking his comforting doggy sympathy with him, I started to cry again, harder this time. Starting tomorrow I had to begin the awful task of telling everyone close to me that Tom and I were over. I’d have to call my mom and dad, my brother, Charlie . . . I’d have to tell Dahlia and Emery. Iris and Ira.
Oh, God, the speculation.
The pity.
And Vaughn Tremaine.
It would be harder to fight his mockery of my life. I’d just have to remind myself that even though I’d lost certainty of what was to come, I hadn’t lost my beloved boardwalk or the people connected to it that made up my family. They still made my life extraordinary and Tom’s disloyalty or Vaughn’s opinion of his disloyalty was not going to change that. I wouldn’t let it.
It was easier to think that than feel it, I realized, as the fear gripped me tight. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried harder, letting the hard lump that had tightened my throat loosen with my sobs.
Not too long later I felt Jess’s familiar arms surround me and she moved me closer, resting my head on her shoulder. I curled into her, muffling my sobs in her sweater as Louis nuzzled my hand in another gesture of puppy solace.
FOUR
Bailey
Around four thirty in the morning I woke up on Jess and Coop’s couch and found myself wide awake unable to return to sleep.
Only a few hours ago I’d woken, confused, staring at the back of their couch, wondering where I was. It wasn’t until I heard Louis’s low bark and Cooper’s voice that I remembered sitting watching movies with Jess. I must have fallen asleep and she’d left me on the couch rather than wake me.
“Yeah, I can see Bailey is on our couch, but I’m asking why?” I’d heard Cooper’s hushed voice and the concern in his tone. “Down, Louis.”
“She found Tom screwing another woman,” Jess whispered back, her own voice filled with a mixture of anger, hurt, and worry.
“What?” Cooper yelled.
Louis gave another low bark.
“Shh! Both of you.”
“What?” he whisper-shouted, fury evident in that one word.
Jess grabbed my hands. “Deep breaths, Bailey.” She inhaled and exhaled, gesturing at me to mimic her.
I nearly broke her fingers I squeezed them so hard as I forced through my panic to mimic her, concentrating on my breathing.
After a while I felt muscles I didn’t even know had tensed relax.
Slumping against her couch, I let more tears fall. “I’m scared.”
Tears glistened in Jess’s eyes. “I know. I’ve been there. But starting over can be done, no matter what age you are.” She reached for my hand. “You have me, and you have Cooper and everybody. This town loves you, Bailey. We’ll get you through this.”
“What if I end up alone?”
“Not possible.” She frowned at me. “You’re not considering taking that asshole back just so you won’t be alone?”
“No,” I bit out. “You know, he pushed me away last night. I tried to make love to him and he pushed me away. Of course he was cheating on me! What an idiot I was for not seeing it.” I laughed humorlessly. “I was so convinced he knew we couldn’t do better than each other that it never crossed my mind he’d cheat.”
“What do you mean ‘knew we couldn’t do better than each other’?” Jess crossed her arms over her chest.
I tensed again. I didn’t want to admit to Jess my theory of how Tom and I made sense because of our mutual averageness. “I just mean . . . we were equals, you know.”
Her eyes narrowed, like she didn’t believe me. “For your information every single one of your friends thinks you deserve better than Tom Sutton and the fact that he cheated on you makes him Asshole of the Year. No, scratch that: Ultimate Asshole of the Year.”
Swallowing back a smile I nodded. “Definitely Ultimate Asshole of the Year.”
Jess harrumphed.
“Jess.”
“Yeah?”
“You know I love you, right?”
In answer she squeezed my hands. “We’ll get you through this, Bailey. And you know what? Today, tomorrow feels terrifying. But I’ll bet everything I own that tomorrow, this fresh start will feel exciting.”
“I hope so.”
She shimmied closer to me on the couch and wrapped her arm around me again.
“Oh, God.” I broke our moment of quiet as guilt and horror filled me. “Oh, God, Jess. What I did to Rex?” I looked at her, tears falling again, these ones a product of shame. “That was awful. Horrible. I’m a selfish bitch.”
“Don’t call yourself that. You weren’t thinking clearly. And you know what, you did the guy a favor if you ask me. He needed to know his girlfriend was cheating on him.”
“But not like that. I forced him into the humiliation with me. I’ll have to apologize.”
“Apologize if you want. Not tonight, though, okay? Tonight you’ll stay here and watch stupid movies and eat junk food with me.”
“No, I don’t want to be a bother.”
“I won’t even acknowledge that comment.” She got to her feet. “I’ll go get you something to change into.”
I gave my friend a tremulous, grateful smile. As soon as she disappeared upstairs, Louis bounding up after her and taking his comforting doggy sympathy with him, I started to cry again, harder this time. Starting tomorrow I had to begin the awful task of telling everyone close to me that Tom and I were over. I’d have to call my mom and dad, my brother, Charlie . . . I’d have to tell Dahlia and Emery. Iris and Ira.
Oh, God, the speculation.
The pity.
And Vaughn Tremaine.
It would be harder to fight his mockery of my life. I’d just have to remind myself that even though I’d lost certainty of what was to come, I hadn’t lost my beloved boardwalk or the people connected to it that made up my family. They still made my life extraordinary and Tom’s disloyalty or Vaughn’s opinion of his disloyalty was not going to change that. I wouldn’t let it.
It was easier to think that than feel it, I realized, as the fear gripped me tight. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried harder, letting the hard lump that had tightened my throat loosen with my sobs.
Not too long later I felt Jess’s familiar arms surround me and she moved me closer, resting my head on her shoulder. I curled into her, muffling my sobs in her sweater as Louis nuzzled my hand in another gesture of puppy solace.
FOUR
Bailey
Around four thirty in the morning I woke up on Jess and Coop’s couch and found myself wide awake unable to return to sleep.
Only a few hours ago I’d woken, confused, staring at the back of their couch, wondering where I was. It wasn’t until I heard Louis’s low bark and Cooper’s voice that I remembered sitting watching movies with Jess. I must have fallen asleep and she’d left me on the couch rather than wake me.
“Yeah, I can see Bailey is on our couch, but I’m asking why?” I’d heard Cooper’s hushed voice and the concern in his tone. “Down, Louis.”
“She found Tom screwing another woman,” Jess whispered back, her own voice filled with a mixture of anger, hurt, and worry.
“What?” Cooper yelled.
Louis gave another low bark.
“Shh! Both of you.”
“What?” he whisper-shouted, fury evident in that one word.
