Everything for Us
Page 26
Finally, he smiles. “It’s still so good to see you. I just can’t get over how much you’ve changed.”
“Not all of it has been for the better, Dad.”
Even though it’s impossible through the glass between us, I can almost feel his sigh, like a heavy breath settling down around me.
“You’re strong, son. You always were. Stronger than you knew, even. You’ll overcome this. I know it.”
I nod. “For the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to think I can. I guess I finally realized that there are some things more important than revenge. Even for a man like me.”
“Don’t say that like you’re some kind of monster. Deep down, you’re still the same good kid. Smart, kindhearted, driven. I think you just had a little more of your brother in you than any of us realized. And he had a little more of you than I ever gave him credit for. That just makes you both even more perfect in my eyes. The key is learning to live with all that in a balanced way.”
“Nah, that’s not the hard part. Finding someone else who can live with it, that’s the hard part.”
Dad frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I shake my head, for a moment wishing I could rid it of thoughts of Marissa, but knowing that if I ever manage to do that, I’ll be a lesser person in the very next breath.
“Nothing.” Dad’s perceptive gaze makes me so uncomfortable I have to look away. “Look, the reason I came today—”
“Let me say this before you go any further. Son, whatever it is you think is so wrong with you, it’s nothing that the love of a good woman can’t fix. And if she’s good enough and strong enough and worth your love, she’ll stick right by you. Life has dealt you a shitty hand. I have dealt you a shitty hand. And I’ll never forgive myself. But don’t live out the rest of your days miserable and alone and blaming yourself for the past. You’ll end up wasting the very bright future you have ahead of you.
“Just because it doesn’t look like what it did when you were in high school doesn’t mean it’s not a future worth having. Find a new dream. Chase a different sunset. It doesn’t have to involve a degree and a suit and tie, although it can if that’s what you still want. You’re young and smart and capable. It can be anything you want it to be. The only thing you have to do to see it happen is to make peace with the past. And with yourself. Let it go and move on. That’s still the best advice I can give you. The past is like quicksand. It’ll suck you in, and you’ll die there if you’re not careful.”
“What if I don’t know how to move on? What if I don’t have a direction now?”
Or what if the direction I want to go doesn’t want me? What if I’m not good enough for her?
“Find one. It’s there. You just have to look for it.”
I don’t want to talk about moving on or think about impossible futures anymore. I came here for a reason. I need to see this through and get the hell out of here. Out of Atlanta. Off dry land.
I take a deep breath before I say what I have to say. I know Dad won’t like this tactic; it’s in Davenport blood to resist being extorted, which is essentially what I’m doing. If guilting someone into action can be considered extortion, that is.
“We’ve all made some sacrifices, Dad. I think you’ll agree with that.” My father nods. His expression is one of profound contrition. I feel bad already. “I think you’d also agree that I’ve had to do some pretty extreme things.” Again he nods. He won’t meet my eyes. “I have something to ask in return now.” He raises his gaze and narrows his eyes on me. “You’ll be getting more visits soon. I want you to promise me that you’ll do exactly what’s asked of you. That you can and you will trust me enough to just do it. Your sons are grown now. Let us handle this.”
I look long and hard into his eyes. If I could put a message in his brain, I would. But I can’t. The best I can hope for is to keep him alive in here long enough for Cash to do his thing and get stuff in order for Dad’s appeal and the trial of the mafia.
I’ve done all I can do. I’ve arranged for two of the three testimonies that could put these men away for life, and Dmitry’s taking care of getting some new leadership in the Bratva, leadership that will see to Dad’s safety and to that of my family in exchange for putting Slava and his men in prison. The rest is up to Cash. And maybe Marissa. And, of course, Dad. He has to testify or the RICO thing won’t work.
He still hasn’t said a word. He’s thinking, wondering.
So I continue. “You don’t need to understand anything yet. You just need to promise me you’ll do what’s needed. For me. For us. For all of us.” I can’t say much more. I don’t want to tip off whoever is listening. It could put Dad’s life in danger. Well, even more danger, I guess. “Prove to me that I’m all the things you think I am. Prove to me you still have faith in me. And then maybe I’ll believe it.”
That’s low. But it’s necessary.
And it’s working.
I can see it on his face.
He nods. “Okay.” A pause and a sigh. “Okay.”
* * *
I feel an ache of emptiness in the pit of my stomach that’s not usually there. Maybe it comes from getting a little time with Dad and then having to give him up and leave again. Maybe it comes from being reunited with my twin, then having to turn around and let him go. Maybe it’s just leaving in general. This was home for a lot of years.
I’m leaving. Leaving family. Again. Leaving town. Again.
I guess I could stay.
But really, I can’t. This isn’t the life for me. There’s no place for me here. Not yet; anyway. Maybe eventually. Someday. But not now.
A little voice in my head says I’m forgetting one thing that could be causing this feeling, one person.
Marissa. Maybe leaving her is what’s making me so miserable.
I grit my teeth.
If that’s the case, then I’m on the right track. Leaving is the best thing I can do for her. Get away from her, leave her alone. And there’s nothing else I can do to help Dad or Cash with what’s about to happen. I’ve done all I can do. I’ve served my purpose. And I’m getting Mom some justice. I should be on cloud nine.
It’s just a little more of a hollow victory than I thought it would be. Than it would’ve been before I met her.
Marissa.
I push her out of my mind for the thousandth time as I pull into Cash’s garage. This is my last stop before I head back to the coast.
I’m heading there as a favor to Dmitry. He asked that I do something for him in return for his testimony. It sounds like a small price to pay for his help in getting justice for Mom and freeing Dad, so of course I agreed. But first I get to deliver some good news to my brother. Finally.
Even though I’d say Cash heard the garage door, I knock before entering. No sense in starting things off on the wrong foot because I see him and his girlfriend in a compromising position.
He answers quickly. Fully clothed.
The first thing I do is hand him the keys to his car. He frowns as he takes them.
“Thanks for the loaner. I won’t need it anymore, though.”
“You getting your own ride?”
“Nah. I’m heading out today.”
As perverse as it sounds, it pleases me that he looks a little dismayed. “What? Just like that?”
I nod. “Just like that.”
“So no justice for Mom, then? That was all just bullshit? You’re just gonna go back to that hellhole of a life you’ve been living?”
“Oh, there will be justice for Mom, but my part is done. The rest is up to you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I know my smile is smug. “I’m bringing you your racketeering case, wrapped up all nice and neat. All it needs is a bow.”
If an expression can be equated with someone holding their breath in anticipation, Cash’s is. “What?” I smile even wider at his question. It’s little more than a reverent whisper.
“In exchange for his life, Duffy has agreed to testify.” Cash starts to speak, and I’m sure I know what he’s going to say, so I hold up my hand to stop him. “He was also much more agreeable once he realized that all three top men in this cell of the Bratva would be gone and the new person in charge will be . . . friendly to us.” I can see that eases Cash’s mind a bit. “He’ll testify to contract killing. For immunity, of course. He’ll go into witness protection afterward, just in case Slava has reach from prison. But I still think the new leadership will squash a lot of his influence. Anyway, Dmitry, the man I’ve spent the last seven years getting to know and who knows Dad, has agreed to testify against the guy in charge of smuggling. It should be considered an act of terror since the people Bratva sells to are enemies of the United States. Dmitry also knows the number four guy, the one who should step up to take charge. Thinks he can get his cooperation in all this for a chance at being top dog. I tend to agree. Dmitry can be very persuasive.”
“How the hell—”
“You don’t need to know the details. Leave the unsavory parts to me.”
“Nash, I—”
“I know. I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do. I never wanted your life. I never wanted this. And to know what you’ve had to do, how you’ve had to live . . .”
I can see the pain and regret on his face. And I believe him. We both got thrust into this against our will. We did the best we could with only the minimal guidance of our father to go on. Makes me see the wisdom in what Dad just told me. Letting all this go would be a good thing all the way around. And we will. After.
“The past is the past. Let’s leave it where it belongs and move on.”
I can tell he has more to say, wants to make sure I understand. I reach out and clap my hand on his shoulder. I nod as I look into his eyes.
So much of our family’s communication over the last years has had to be unspoken. We’ve had to believe in each other, to trust each other, even when it didn’t seem like the smart thing to do. We had to believe in the unseen, hope in the unlikely.
Now, standing right here in front of him, I know Cash can see that I understand, and that it’s all in the past.
Finally, he nods, too. Yes, he knows.
“The only thing you have to do is get the case together and keep Dad safe for his part of the testimony. Money laundering and cooked books ought to be the nail in the coffin for Slava and his boys. They’re all three involved in different aspects, but all three were knowledgeable about the entire show. Each person’s testimony will show that.”
After a few seconds of digesting what I’ve said, Cash laughs. It’s a lighthearted laugh, a pleased, nearly gleeful one. “Holy shit! You did it!”
I get the feeling he wants to let out a whoop. And that makes me smile again, too.
“I just did my part. The rest is up to you and whoever else needs to be a part of this to make sure it goes off without a hitch. You’re the legal eagle. I’ll leave that stuff to you.”
“Does Marissa know? She’s got contacts that could be very helpful.”
“No, I didn’t tell her. I’ll let you do that. You two can get a plan going. I’ve got some things I need to take care of.”
Leaving now, when things are looking so good, feels more like exile than it did seven years ago. I feel like I’m leaving happiness behind, rather than fighting for it in the future.
“I wish you could stay.”
“I do, too, but I just . . . I can’t.”
Cash nods. “Will you be back? Ever?”
“Yeah. Someday. I hope.”
“At least say you’ll come back the day they let Dad go. That’ll be a good day.”
I can imagine it, and I know that it will. “I think I can manage that.”
I feel relieved at the prospect of coming back, at the hope of it.
“And don’t forget your promise to me,” he reminds.
I smile.
The wedding.
“Never.”
“How are you getting where you need to go? You know I can take you.”
“Nah, that’s all right. I’ll leave just like I came. In one pretty damn expensive cab ride.”
Cash shakes his head and smiles. “What the hell kinda cabbies are you using?”
“The desperate kind.”
“Sounds like it.”
“But they make good money.”
“Sometimes desperation pays off.”
And sometimes it doesn’t.
Visions of Marissa settle over me like a cloud. The hurt look on her face when she remembered New Orleans will probably haunt me forever.
“You gonna say good-bye to Olivia?” Cash asks.
I nod. I guess I’d better. She’ll likely be my sister-in-law one day. I’d better make nice.
“I’ll be in touch with a number where you can reach me. I’ll be wanting all the gory details on how you botched a proposal.”
“Shhh.” Cash shushes me as he looks behind him. “She hears everything. Be careful what you say.”
“Who hears everything?” Olivia says, as if right on cue. Cash and I both bust out laughing. “What?” she asks from the doorway, looking confused.
“Nothing, babe,” Cash says, reaching out to draw her to him. A little stab of envy pricks me, but I refuse to dwell on it. It’s time to stop being jealous of my brother and his life. It’s time for me to find my own version of bliss, whatever that might be.
“Not all of it has been for the better, Dad.”
Even though it’s impossible through the glass between us, I can almost feel his sigh, like a heavy breath settling down around me.
“You’re strong, son. You always were. Stronger than you knew, even. You’ll overcome this. I know it.”
I nod. “For the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to think I can. I guess I finally realized that there are some things more important than revenge. Even for a man like me.”
“Don’t say that like you’re some kind of monster. Deep down, you’re still the same good kid. Smart, kindhearted, driven. I think you just had a little more of your brother in you than any of us realized. And he had a little more of you than I ever gave him credit for. That just makes you both even more perfect in my eyes. The key is learning to live with all that in a balanced way.”
“Nah, that’s not the hard part. Finding someone else who can live with it, that’s the hard part.”
Dad frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I shake my head, for a moment wishing I could rid it of thoughts of Marissa, but knowing that if I ever manage to do that, I’ll be a lesser person in the very next breath.
“Nothing.” Dad’s perceptive gaze makes me so uncomfortable I have to look away. “Look, the reason I came today—”
“Let me say this before you go any further. Son, whatever it is you think is so wrong with you, it’s nothing that the love of a good woman can’t fix. And if she’s good enough and strong enough and worth your love, she’ll stick right by you. Life has dealt you a shitty hand. I have dealt you a shitty hand. And I’ll never forgive myself. But don’t live out the rest of your days miserable and alone and blaming yourself for the past. You’ll end up wasting the very bright future you have ahead of you.
“Just because it doesn’t look like what it did when you were in high school doesn’t mean it’s not a future worth having. Find a new dream. Chase a different sunset. It doesn’t have to involve a degree and a suit and tie, although it can if that’s what you still want. You’re young and smart and capable. It can be anything you want it to be. The only thing you have to do to see it happen is to make peace with the past. And with yourself. Let it go and move on. That’s still the best advice I can give you. The past is like quicksand. It’ll suck you in, and you’ll die there if you’re not careful.”
“What if I don’t know how to move on? What if I don’t have a direction now?”
Or what if the direction I want to go doesn’t want me? What if I’m not good enough for her?
“Find one. It’s there. You just have to look for it.”
I don’t want to talk about moving on or think about impossible futures anymore. I came here for a reason. I need to see this through and get the hell out of here. Out of Atlanta. Off dry land.
I take a deep breath before I say what I have to say. I know Dad won’t like this tactic; it’s in Davenport blood to resist being extorted, which is essentially what I’m doing. If guilting someone into action can be considered extortion, that is.
“We’ve all made some sacrifices, Dad. I think you’ll agree with that.” My father nods. His expression is one of profound contrition. I feel bad already. “I think you’d also agree that I’ve had to do some pretty extreme things.” Again he nods. He won’t meet my eyes. “I have something to ask in return now.” He raises his gaze and narrows his eyes on me. “You’ll be getting more visits soon. I want you to promise me that you’ll do exactly what’s asked of you. That you can and you will trust me enough to just do it. Your sons are grown now. Let us handle this.”
I look long and hard into his eyes. If I could put a message in his brain, I would. But I can’t. The best I can hope for is to keep him alive in here long enough for Cash to do his thing and get stuff in order for Dad’s appeal and the trial of the mafia.
I’ve done all I can do. I’ve arranged for two of the three testimonies that could put these men away for life, and Dmitry’s taking care of getting some new leadership in the Bratva, leadership that will see to Dad’s safety and to that of my family in exchange for putting Slava and his men in prison. The rest is up to Cash. And maybe Marissa. And, of course, Dad. He has to testify or the RICO thing won’t work.
He still hasn’t said a word. He’s thinking, wondering.
So I continue. “You don’t need to understand anything yet. You just need to promise me you’ll do what’s needed. For me. For us. For all of us.” I can’t say much more. I don’t want to tip off whoever is listening. It could put Dad’s life in danger. Well, even more danger, I guess. “Prove to me that I’m all the things you think I am. Prove to me you still have faith in me. And then maybe I’ll believe it.”
That’s low. But it’s necessary.
And it’s working.
I can see it on his face.
He nods. “Okay.” A pause and a sigh. “Okay.”
* * *
I feel an ache of emptiness in the pit of my stomach that’s not usually there. Maybe it comes from getting a little time with Dad and then having to give him up and leave again. Maybe it comes from being reunited with my twin, then having to turn around and let him go. Maybe it’s just leaving in general. This was home for a lot of years.
I’m leaving. Leaving family. Again. Leaving town. Again.
I guess I could stay.
But really, I can’t. This isn’t the life for me. There’s no place for me here. Not yet; anyway. Maybe eventually. Someday. But not now.
A little voice in my head says I’m forgetting one thing that could be causing this feeling, one person.
Marissa. Maybe leaving her is what’s making me so miserable.
I grit my teeth.
If that’s the case, then I’m on the right track. Leaving is the best thing I can do for her. Get away from her, leave her alone. And there’s nothing else I can do to help Dad or Cash with what’s about to happen. I’ve done all I can do. I’ve served my purpose. And I’m getting Mom some justice. I should be on cloud nine.
It’s just a little more of a hollow victory than I thought it would be. Than it would’ve been before I met her.
Marissa.
I push her out of my mind for the thousandth time as I pull into Cash’s garage. This is my last stop before I head back to the coast.
I’m heading there as a favor to Dmitry. He asked that I do something for him in return for his testimony. It sounds like a small price to pay for his help in getting justice for Mom and freeing Dad, so of course I agreed. But first I get to deliver some good news to my brother. Finally.
Even though I’d say Cash heard the garage door, I knock before entering. No sense in starting things off on the wrong foot because I see him and his girlfriend in a compromising position.
He answers quickly. Fully clothed.
The first thing I do is hand him the keys to his car. He frowns as he takes them.
“Thanks for the loaner. I won’t need it anymore, though.”
“You getting your own ride?”
“Nah. I’m heading out today.”
As perverse as it sounds, it pleases me that he looks a little dismayed. “What? Just like that?”
I nod. “Just like that.”
“So no justice for Mom, then? That was all just bullshit? You’re just gonna go back to that hellhole of a life you’ve been living?”
“Oh, there will be justice for Mom, but my part is done. The rest is up to you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I know my smile is smug. “I’m bringing you your racketeering case, wrapped up all nice and neat. All it needs is a bow.”
If an expression can be equated with someone holding their breath in anticipation, Cash’s is. “What?” I smile even wider at his question. It’s little more than a reverent whisper.
“In exchange for his life, Duffy has agreed to testify.” Cash starts to speak, and I’m sure I know what he’s going to say, so I hold up my hand to stop him. “He was also much more agreeable once he realized that all three top men in this cell of the Bratva would be gone and the new person in charge will be . . . friendly to us.” I can see that eases Cash’s mind a bit. “He’ll testify to contract killing. For immunity, of course. He’ll go into witness protection afterward, just in case Slava has reach from prison. But I still think the new leadership will squash a lot of his influence. Anyway, Dmitry, the man I’ve spent the last seven years getting to know and who knows Dad, has agreed to testify against the guy in charge of smuggling. It should be considered an act of terror since the people Bratva sells to are enemies of the United States. Dmitry also knows the number four guy, the one who should step up to take charge. Thinks he can get his cooperation in all this for a chance at being top dog. I tend to agree. Dmitry can be very persuasive.”
“How the hell—”
“You don’t need to know the details. Leave the unsavory parts to me.”
“Nash, I—”
“I know. I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do. I never wanted your life. I never wanted this. And to know what you’ve had to do, how you’ve had to live . . .”
I can see the pain and regret on his face. And I believe him. We both got thrust into this against our will. We did the best we could with only the minimal guidance of our father to go on. Makes me see the wisdom in what Dad just told me. Letting all this go would be a good thing all the way around. And we will. After.
“The past is the past. Let’s leave it where it belongs and move on.”
I can tell he has more to say, wants to make sure I understand. I reach out and clap my hand on his shoulder. I nod as I look into his eyes.
So much of our family’s communication over the last years has had to be unspoken. We’ve had to believe in each other, to trust each other, even when it didn’t seem like the smart thing to do. We had to believe in the unseen, hope in the unlikely.
Now, standing right here in front of him, I know Cash can see that I understand, and that it’s all in the past.
Finally, he nods, too. Yes, he knows.
“The only thing you have to do is get the case together and keep Dad safe for his part of the testimony. Money laundering and cooked books ought to be the nail in the coffin for Slava and his boys. They’re all three involved in different aspects, but all three were knowledgeable about the entire show. Each person’s testimony will show that.”
After a few seconds of digesting what I’ve said, Cash laughs. It’s a lighthearted laugh, a pleased, nearly gleeful one. “Holy shit! You did it!”
I get the feeling he wants to let out a whoop. And that makes me smile again, too.
“I just did my part. The rest is up to you and whoever else needs to be a part of this to make sure it goes off without a hitch. You’re the legal eagle. I’ll leave that stuff to you.”
“Does Marissa know? She’s got contacts that could be very helpful.”
“No, I didn’t tell her. I’ll let you do that. You two can get a plan going. I’ve got some things I need to take care of.”
Leaving now, when things are looking so good, feels more like exile than it did seven years ago. I feel like I’m leaving happiness behind, rather than fighting for it in the future.
“I wish you could stay.”
“I do, too, but I just . . . I can’t.”
Cash nods. “Will you be back? Ever?”
“Yeah. Someday. I hope.”
“At least say you’ll come back the day they let Dad go. That’ll be a good day.”
I can imagine it, and I know that it will. “I think I can manage that.”
I feel relieved at the prospect of coming back, at the hope of it.
“And don’t forget your promise to me,” he reminds.
I smile.
The wedding.
“Never.”
“How are you getting where you need to go? You know I can take you.”
“Nah, that’s all right. I’ll leave just like I came. In one pretty damn expensive cab ride.”
Cash shakes his head and smiles. “What the hell kinda cabbies are you using?”
“The desperate kind.”
“Sounds like it.”
“But they make good money.”
“Sometimes desperation pays off.”
And sometimes it doesn’t.
Visions of Marissa settle over me like a cloud. The hurt look on her face when she remembered New Orleans will probably haunt me forever.
“You gonna say good-bye to Olivia?” Cash asks.
I nod. I guess I’d better. She’ll likely be my sister-in-law one day. I’d better make nice.
“I’ll be in touch with a number where you can reach me. I’ll be wanting all the gory details on how you botched a proposal.”
“Shhh.” Cash shushes me as he looks behind him. “She hears everything. Be careful what you say.”
“Who hears everything?” Olivia says, as if right on cue. Cash and I both bust out laughing. “What?” she asks from the doorway, looking confused.
“Nothing, babe,” Cash says, reaching out to draw her to him. A little stab of envy pricks me, but I refuse to dwell on it. It’s time to stop being jealous of my brother and his life. It’s time for me to find my own version of bliss, whatever that might be.
