Exploited
Page 10
“Where have you been?” Charlotte asked in her stunted, garbled tone, which was hard to understand. Her arms lay limply on either side of her, her skin ghostly pale as a result of spending her days beneath flickering halogen bulbs. Her once long, shiny brown hair was now cut short around her face.
So much about my once vibrant and energetic sister had changed in the seven years since she had been living at the Appleton Center. She couldn’t walk. She couldn’t move her arms. She couldn’t feed herself or wipe her own ass.
She depended on the nurses and aides to take care of every single one of her needs.
But her eyes were the same. They were the one thing that hadn’t changed.
The bright green was still intense. They still saw everything, even when I wished they didn’t. They still watched me with a pointed interest that at times, particularly when I was trying to hide so much, made me uncomfortable.
Today I couldn’t meet her gaze. I felt guilty for not coming to see her. But sometimes it was too hard to sit with her. To hold her hand and talk to her about things that didn’t really matter.
I missed my sister.
The woman she could have become.
Looking at her lying in bed, unable to move on her own, made me so, so angry. Sometimes it was impossible to keep that rage in check. It bled into everything. It tainted my whole world.
Even if it motivated me—gave me purpose—I didn’t want Charlotte to see that side of me.
To her I would only ever be Hannah, her loving big sister. I never wanted Char to see how deep my fury ran. And I knew that if anyone could see through me, it would be her.
So when I couldn’t keep my anger hidden, I didn’t come to see Charlotte. Even if it broke both our hearts. It was for the best.
“I’ve been extremely busy. Work has been crazy. And then I got the flu,” I said, fussing with her blanket as I tucked it in around her, then smoothed it down, then untucked it and did it all over again.
“You were sick?” Charlotte asked. I could feel her eyes. They burned a hole right through me.
I nodded, staring at the bright red flower pattern on the sheets. “Really sick. I couldn’t get out of bed for days.”
I knew she didn’t believe me, but she let it go. I hated that she accepted my lies without question. She would have hounded me before, never letting me get away with it.
In this new life we were forced to lead, dishonesty was permitted without consequence.
It was a twisted, poisoned sort of existence but one I had come to thrive in.
What did the truth even look like anymore?
“I missed you,” Charlotte slurred. It had taken me a long time to adapt to her voice. She sounded nothing like she used to.
It was just one more thing that had been taken from her in the accident that almost ended her life. Some days I wondered if she wouldn’t have been better off not surviving. Because what kind of life did she really have now?
Then I’d hate myself for thinking it. Because at the end of the day, at least Charlotte was still alive. I hadn’t lost her like we had lost Dad. And the truth was I wouldn’t have been able to survive it if she had died too.
I had to remind myself to be thankful that I had a sister to visit and not a grave.
I took Charlotte’s hand in mine, trying not to cringe at the feel of her cold, waxy skin. “I missed you too. I won’t let it go so long next time,” I promised, knowing that it was another lie.
“Family Feud?” Charlotte asked and I smiled. I used to make fun of her crazy obsession with the cheesy television game show. Since her accident it had become something else. A link to who we used to be, perhaps.
I chanced a look at my younger sister, hating the way her lips couldn’t quite stretch into a smile. I lifted her hand and held it against my cheek. Just for a minute.
It’s all for her….
She was the reason I had become the person I was.
The day we almost lost her was the day my whole world changed.
—
It was a sunny day. Almost perfect. It was warm for the beginning of March, and I had been spending the afternoon hanging out on the back quad behind the science building. I was a freshman at Virginia College and I had a break between classes.
I hadn’t wanted to go back to my dorm room. My roommate was a bit on the odd side, spending all night in front of her computer doing God knows what.
“We should go to the Pi Kappa Phi party tonight. Liam was asking if you were coming,” my friend Talia said, handing me the sunscreen so I could apply it to my arms.
My stomach twisted a little at the mention of my longtime crush, Liam Hollister.
“He was?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant—and failing.
“Hell, yeah, he was. He’s hot for you, Han!” Talia exclaimed, nudging my leg with the tip of her shoe.
“Well, maybe we can go for a little while. Not long, though. I have to study for my systems development midterm,” I told her. Talia rolled her eyes.
“You need to stop being such a nerd, Hannah. Guys like Liam Hollister come around once in a lifetime! You need to jump on this ship before it sails right on past you,” my friend lectured, and I laughed. She was right. I did study too much. Plus, what would one night hurt?
To think that up until that point my life had been so simple. My biggest worry had been whether going to a party would interfere with my study time.
My head had been full of thoughts of cute Liam and what I would wear to make him notice me.
Then my phone rang.
I was still laughing when I answered it.
“Hannah?” my mother’s frantic voice hissed in my ear.
I stopped laughing.
Thoughts of Liam Hollister vanished.
My heart started to thud painfully in my chest.
I had never heard such panic in her voice.
“Hannah. Something bad has happened. It’s your father.” She took a deep breath. “And Charlotte…”
—
I continued to hold Charlotte’s hand as we watched Family Feud. Every now and then my sister’s eyes would drift my way, as if to make sure I was still there. I gave her hand a squeeze, even though I knew she couldn’t feel it.
I felt sad. Grief-stricken.
And of course angry.
Our family had lost so much.
And all because a bunch of lazy government officials thought cutting a few corners to save some money on their bottom line was more important than safety.
All it took was a badly constructed stretch of road. Too much rain. Cracked and eroding asphalt. My father lost control of his car. Thrown from the vehicle, he was killed on impact. Charlotte was trapped inside with severe trauma to her head and spine.
So much about my once vibrant and energetic sister had changed in the seven years since she had been living at the Appleton Center. She couldn’t walk. She couldn’t move her arms. She couldn’t feed herself or wipe her own ass.
She depended on the nurses and aides to take care of every single one of her needs.
But her eyes were the same. They were the one thing that hadn’t changed.
The bright green was still intense. They still saw everything, even when I wished they didn’t. They still watched me with a pointed interest that at times, particularly when I was trying to hide so much, made me uncomfortable.
Today I couldn’t meet her gaze. I felt guilty for not coming to see her. But sometimes it was too hard to sit with her. To hold her hand and talk to her about things that didn’t really matter.
I missed my sister.
The woman she could have become.
Looking at her lying in bed, unable to move on her own, made me so, so angry. Sometimes it was impossible to keep that rage in check. It bled into everything. It tainted my whole world.
Even if it motivated me—gave me purpose—I didn’t want Charlotte to see that side of me.
To her I would only ever be Hannah, her loving big sister. I never wanted Char to see how deep my fury ran. And I knew that if anyone could see through me, it would be her.
So when I couldn’t keep my anger hidden, I didn’t come to see Charlotte. Even if it broke both our hearts. It was for the best.
“I’ve been extremely busy. Work has been crazy. And then I got the flu,” I said, fussing with her blanket as I tucked it in around her, then smoothed it down, then untucked it and did it all over again.
“You were sick?” Charlotte asked. I could feel her eyes. They burned a hole right through me.
I nodded, staring at the bright red flower pattern on the sheets. “Really sick. I couldn’t get out of bed for days.”
I knew she didn’t believe me, but she let it go. I hated that she accepted my lies without question. She would have hounded me before, never letting me get away with it.
In this new life we were forced to lead, dishonesty was permitted without consequence.
It was a twisted, poisoned sort of existence but one I had come to thrive in.
What did the truth even look like anymore?
“I missed you,” Charlotte slurred. It had taken me a long time to adapt to her voice. She sounded nothing like she used to.
It was just one more thing that had been taken from her in the accident that almost ended her life. Some days I wondered if she wouldn’t have been better off not surviving. Because what kind of life did she really have now?
Then I’d hate myself for thinking it. Because at the end of the day, at least Charlotte was still alive. I hadn’t lost her like we had lost Dad. And the truth was I wouldn’t have been able to survive it if she had died too.
I had to remind myself to be thankful that I had a sister to visit and not a grave.
I took Charlotte’s hand in mine, trying not to cringe at the feel of her cold, waxy skin. “I missed you too. I won’t let it go so long next time,” I promised, knowing that it was another lie.
“Family Feud?” Charlotte asked and I smiled. I used to make fun of her crazy obsession with the cheesy television game show. Since her accident it had become something else. A link to who we used to be, perhaps.
I chanced a look at my younger sister, hating the way her lips couldn’t quite stretch into a smile. I lifted her hand and held it against my cheek. Just for a minute.
It’s all for her….
She was the reason I had become the person I was.
The day we almost lost her was the day my whole world changed.
—
It was a sunny day. Almost perfect. It was warm for the beginning of March, and I had been spending the afternoon hanging out on the back quad behind the science building. I was a freshman at Virginia College and I had a break between classes.
I hadn’t wanted to go back to my dorm room. My roommate was a bit on the odd side, spending all night in front of her computer doing God knows what.
“We should go to the Pi Kappa Phi party tonight. Liam was asking if you were coming,” my friend Talia said, handing me the sunscreen so I could apply it to my arms.
My stomach twisted a little at the mention of my longtime crush, Liam Hollister.
“He was?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant—and failing.
“Hell, yeah, he was. He’s hot for you, Han!” Talia exclaimed, nudging my leg with the tip of her shoe.
“Well, maybe we can go for a little while. Not long, though. I have to study for my systems development midterm,” I told her. Talia rolled her eyes.
“You need to stop being such a nerd, Hannah. Guys like Liam Hollister come around once in a lifetime! You need to jump on this ship before it sails right on past you,” my friend lectured, and I laughed. She was right. I did study too much. Plus, what would one night hurt?
To think that up until that point my life had been so simple. My biggest worry had been whether going to a party would interfere with my study time.
My head had been full of thoughts of cute Liam and what I would wear to make him notice me.
Then my phone rang.
I was still laughing when I answered it.
“Hannah?” my mother’s frantic voice hissed in my ear.
I stopped laughing.
Thoughts of Liam Hollister vanished.
My heart started to thud painfully in my chest.
I had never heard such panic in her voice.
“Hannah. Something bad has happened. It’s your father.” She took a deep breath. “And Charlotte…”
—
I continued to hold Charlotte’s hand as we watched Family Feud. Every now and then my sister’s eyes would drift my way, as if to make sure I was still there. I gave her hand a squeeze, even though I knew she couldn’t feel it.
I felt sad. Grief-stricken.
And of course angry.
Our family had lost so much.
And all because a bunch of lazy government officials thought cutting a few corners to save some money on their bottom line was more important than safety.
All it took was a badly constructed stretch of road. Too much rain. Cracked and eroding asphalt. My father lost control of his car. Thrown from the vehicle, he was killed on impact. Charlotte was trapped inside with severe trauma to her head and spine.
