Fallen Crest Forever
Page 63
“Adam.”
“What?”
“His name is Adam.”
Some of the anger in him softened. “Adam. I broke him. I realize that now.” Mason’s voice broke, and I felt a new wave of my own tears forming.
“We all did that,” I whispered.
“No, Sam. It was me. You know it. I set the tone. I set the pace. Logan might be raring to go, but I can let him go or rein him in. It’s all on me. You know it is.”
“Then why do I feel this?” I pressed my hands to my stomach, feeling guilt and shame there. They weren’t moving. I didn’t think they’d ever leave me. “I had a hand in it.”
“No.” He shook his head, coming to sit on the lounger next to me. He reached forward to take my hand, then thought better of it.
I reached out and caught his instead. I wanted that, and he expelled a ragged breath, his head falling down. He squeezed my hand.
We sat there for a moment. Just holding hands again. No words.
“I’ve been trying to understand where it all went dark, but I can’t,” he said. “What we do, all of us—it’s too much. We went too far with Adam. I’ve been able to walk the line, but this time we went over it. I can deal with protecting Logan, or myself, or Nate, but you . . . I can’t see that line when it comes to you. I get so angry, and I want to beat the shit out of anyone who hurts you. I enjoyed hitting Adam. I enjoyed rushing him and pushing him against my truck. I wished I could’ve hit him a second time, even after he was unconscious, even when I knew why I was hitting him. I still wanted to do it again. That’s too much.” He paused a beat. “I could kill someone. That’s how far I would go for you.”
Were those words supposed to scare me? Maybe.
Should I have been disgusted to hear them? Maybe.
Should I have felt justified by leaving? Maybe.
I felt none of that.
I left because I was scared for him.
“I know who you are.” I adjusted my hold on his hand, lacing our fingers together. “I fell in love with who you are. Who are you is not what I’m scared of.”
He lifted his eyes.
“You’re going to break someone one day. And someone’s going to die if we keep going as far as we do.”
We. Not him. We. Us.
“I remember when you told me you loved me. I remember when we left that bedroom and when I saw that Logan had slept with Miranda Stewart. I know he did it for me, and he was setting her up to protect me. I also know he did it because you told him to do it. You did that for me. That’s when I signed up for this.” I lifted our hands.
“I thought Qui—Adam had a gun. I thought he was going to kill you. You were there because of me. He was there because of me. This whole thing was because I didn’t pull back when I should’ve. I don’t see that line when it comes to you.”
I started to shake my head.
“No, Sam. It killed me when I saw you were leaving. I saw it in your eyes, and I couldn’t even fight you because I knew it was right too. It still is right.”
My heart clenched. My chest felt like it was going to cave in.
“Something has to change,” he said. “I don’t know what, but something.”
Was he . . . I couldn’t finish that thought. My stomach dropped to my feet.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“We should stay like this.”
I flinched. “Mason . . .” I started.
I know he didn’t mean to do it, and I know this whole train started going because I climbed behind the wheel, but I still felt a knife slice into my chest at his words. This was right, but it hurt. It hurt so damned much.
“Mason,” I whispered.
He sighed. “I know.” His hand held onto mine so tightly. “I know.”
“How can we do this?”
He shook his head. He was pale. His eyes were tortured. “I don’t know. Can you stay where you are? Do you need a house or something?”
God—another knife pushed in and made the cut even wider. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?”
I nodded. “I have Garrett’s inheritance, remember?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot.”
I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t see. I just held onto his hand, not knowing the next time I would have it again.
His eyes darkened. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll fix something. I just don’t know what yet.”
This was the part of the conversation where we should have stood up to leave.
We didn’t. We stayed.
I just held on to his hand.
“So, what’s the plan?”
Heather asked that as soon as I got back to Courtney and Grace’s. They both waved from the living room as Heather followed me to my bedroom.
I’d been a bit more with it the last couple days, but I remembered how my roommates had acted when Heather came in, took over, and handled me. They idolized her, and after she stood up to Logan, they idolized her even more. I didn’t blame them.
I lay down on the bed.
Heather raised an eyebrow and turned around. She’d been putting on lipstick in the mirror. “What’s that look mean?”
I pushed myself up, resting on my hands tucked behind me. “Thank you for coming and staying.”
She shrugged, her eyes still narrowed and studying me. “You’re my best friend. You haven’t told me what happened, so I can only imagine it was bad.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Why didn’t you push?”
“It’s your business.” She turned back to the mirror and pulled her lipstick out again. “You’ll tell me if you want, but I know you guys. If you don’t tell me, I figure it’s for a reason.”
I nodded. “Still. Thank you.” I gestured to Logan’s empty cot in the corner. “Thanks for being okay with him being here too.”
She finished applying her lipstick. A fresh red coat in place, she came over to sit next to me. She sighed. “He loves you. They all love you.”
I glanced to her.
“I love you too,” she said.
“I know.” I sat up and squeezed one of her hands. “I love you too.”
“And Taylor’s freaking adorable. Her and Logan. He really loves her.”
I nodded. “He does.”
“That’s good. Taylor completes him. He’s found his someone. You’re a lot happier now,” she added. “Are we moving back to the Kade house?”
I shook my head, running a hand through my hair before sitting forward and leaning my elbows on my knees. “No. We went too far with something, but we’re going to fix it.”
“Okay.” She stood up, patting me on the leg. “I have no idea what that means, but I trust you. And personally, I don’t want to know. But I do know that you have two friends out there who really care about you. It’s Friday, and technically, you’re single tonight.”
“I’m not single.” I was. Was I?
Pain sliced through me. I didn’t want to think about it.
She pulled me up, grinning, and headed for the door. “I’m not saying you should hook up with someone. That guy would just wake up in the hospital, and we’d both know who put him there, single or not. But you can do what single girls do.” She let go of my hand and led the way to the living room.
Both Courtney and Grace had drinks in front of them. They looked up.
“What’s up?” Courtney was grinning, her cheeks red.
Grace tried to stifle a laugh.
“You guys are both single, right?” Heather asked.
At the question, Grace spilled over onto the rest of the couch. She couldn’t stifle the laughter anymore, and she buried her head in a pillow.
Courtney said in between her own laughs, “We were just talking about that. Matteo made a cameo here last night. He and Logan ran into each other in the hallway. Neither was expecting to see the other.” Her eyes suddenly widened and she sucked in her breath, looking to me. “I was supposed to tell you they slept together. I forgot.”
“Logan and Matteo?”
“No.”
Grace was laughing again.
“What?”
“His name is Adam.”
Some of the anger in him softened. “Adam. I broke him. I realize that now.” Mason’s voice broke, and I felt a new wave of my own tears forming.
“We all did that,” I whispered.
“No, Sam. It was me. You know it. I set the tone. I set the pace. Logan might be raring to go, but I can let him go or rein him in. It’s all on me. You know it is.”
“Then why do I feel this?” I pressed my hands to my stomach, feeling guilt and shame there. They weren’t moving. I didn’t think they’d ever leave me. “I had a hand in it.”
“No.” He shook his head, coming to sit on the lounger next to me. He reached forward to take my hand, then thought better of it.
I reached out and caught his instead. I wanted that, and he expelled a ragged breath, his head falling down. He squeezed my hand.
We sat there for a moment. Just holding hands again. No words.
“I’ve been trying to understand where it all went dark, but I can’t,” he said. “What we do, all of us—it’s too much. We went too far with Adam. I’ve been able to walk the line, but this time we went over it. I can deal with protecting Logan, or myself, or Nate, but you . . . I can’t see that line when it comes to you. I get so angry, and I want to beat the shit out of anyone who hurts you. I enjoyed hitting Adam. I enjoyed rushing him and pushing him against my truck. I wished I could’ve hit him a second time, even after he was unconscious, even when I knew why I was hitting him. I still wanted to do it again. That’s too much.” He paused a beat. “I could kill someone. That’s how far I would go for you.”
Were those words supposed to scare me? Maybe.
Should I have been disgusted to hear them? Maybe.
Should I have felt justified by leaving? Maybe.
I felt none of that.
I left because I was scared for him.
“I know who you are.” I adjusted my hold on his hand, lacing our fingers together. “I fell in love with who you are. Who are you is not what I’m scared of.”
He lifted his eyes.
“You’re going to break someone one day. And someone’s going to die if we keep going as far as we do.”
We. Not him. We. Us.
“I remember when you told me you loved me. I remember when we left that bedroom and when I saw that Logan had slept with Miranda Stewart. I know he did it for me, and he was setting her up to protect me. I also know he did it because you told him to do it. You did that for me. That’s when I signed up for this.” I lifted our hands.
“I thought Qui—Adam had a gun. I thought he was going to kill you. You were there because of me. He was there because of me. This whole thing was because I didn’t pull back when I should’ve. I don’t see that line when it comes to you.”
I started to shake my head.
“No, Sam. It killed me when I saw you were leaving. I saw it in your eyes, and I couldn’t even fight you because I knew it was right too. It still is right.”
My heart clenched. My chest felt like it was going to cave in.
“Something has to change,” he said. “I don’t know what, but something.”
Was he . . . I couldn’t finish that thought. My stomach dropped to my feet.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“We should stay like this.”
I flinched. “Mason . . .” I started.
I know he didn’t mean to do it, and I know this whole train started going because I climbed behind the wheel, but I still felt a knife slice into my chest at his words. This was right, but it hurt. It hurt so damned much.
“Mason,” I whispered.
He sighed. “I know.” His hand held onto mine so tightly. “I know.”
“How can we do this?”
He shook his head. He was pale. His eyes were tortured. “I don’t know. Can you stay where you are? Do you need a house or something?”
God—another knife pushed in and made the cut even wider. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?”
I nodded. “I have Garrett’s inheritance, remember?”
“Oh yeah. I forgot.”
I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t see. I just held onto his hand, not knowing the next time I would have it again.
His eyes darkened. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll fix something. I just don’t know what yet.”
This was the part of the conversation where we should have stood up to leave.
We didn’t. We stayed.
I just held on to his hand.
“So, what’s the plan?”
Heather asked that as soon as I got back to Courtney and Grace’s. They both waved from the living room as Heather followed me to my bedroom.
I’d been a bit more with it the last couple days, but I remembered how my roommates had acted when Heather came in, took over, and handled me. They idolized her, and after she stood up to Logan, they idolized her even more. I didn’t blame them.
I lay down on the bed.
Heather raised an eyebrow and turned around. She’d been putting on lipstick in the mirror. “What’s that look mean?”
I pushed myself up, resting on my hands tucked behind me. “Thank you for coming and staying.”
She shrugged, her eyes still narrowed and studying me. “You’re my best friend. You haven’t told me what happened, so I can only imagine it was bad.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Why didn’t you push?”
“It’s your business.” She turned back to the mirror and pulled her lipstick out again. “You’ll tell me if you want, but I know you guys. If you don’t tell me, I figure it’s for a reason.”
I nodded. “Still. Thank you.” I gestured to Logan’s empty cot in the corner. “Thanks for being okay with him being here too.”
She finished applying her lipstick. A fresh red coat in place, she came over to sit next to me. She sighed. “He loves you. They all love you.”
I glanced to her.
“I love you too,” she said.
“I know.” I sat up and squeezed one of her hands. “I love you too.”
“And Taylor’s freaking adorable. Her and Logan. He really loves her.”
I nodded. “He does.”
“That’s good. Taylor completes him. He’s found his someone. You’re a lot happier now,” she added. “Are we moving back to the Kade house?”
I shook my head, running a hand through my hair before sitting forward and leaning my elbows on my knees. “No. We went too far with something, but we’re going to fix it.”
“Okay.” She stood up, patting me on the leg. “I have no idea what that means, but I trust you. And personally, I don’t want to know. But I do know that you have two friends out there who really care about you. It’s Friday, and technically, you’re single tonight.”
“I’m not single.” I was. Was I?
Pain sliced through me. I didn’t want to think about it.
She pulled me up, grinning, and headed for the door. “I’m not saying you should hook up with someone. That guy would just wake up in the hospital, and we’d both know who put him there, single or not. But you can do what single girls do.” She let go of my hand and led the way to the living room.
Both Courtney and Grace had drinks in front of them. They looked up.
“What’s up?” Courtney was grinning, her cheeks red.
Grace tried to stifle a laugh.
“You guys are both single, right?” Heather asked.
At the question, Grace spilled over onto the rest of the couch. She couldn’t stifle the laughter anymore, and she buried her head in a pillow.
Courtney said in between her own laughs, “We were just talking about that. Matteo made a cameo here last night. He and Logan ran into each other in the hallway. Neither was expecting to see the other.” Her eyes suddenly widened and she sucked in her breath, looking to me. “I was supposed to tell you they slept together. I forgot.”
“Logan and Matteo?”
“No.”
Grace was laughing again.
