Fallen Fourth Down
Page 77
He was hot and deadly to others, but he could be adorable. His brown hair had grown an inch longer and some of it had slipped over his forehead. His dark eyes had a slight mischievous glint in them, and the corner of his mouth was curved up in a half-grin, half-smirk. Without thinking, I reached out and pushed some of the strands of hair back, smoothing my hand over his forehead. He closed his eyes, and I finished, tucking more strands back behind his ear. As my hand fell away, he opened his eyes. A soft smile came over him. “That felt nice.”
My heart was heavy. I loved them both so much, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. A whisper left me, “It’s Mason for me.”
He closed his eyes again. “Sam,” he started in a murmur.
“Stop.” I touched his shoulder. “I have to say this. I know you want to wait until he knows, but this is what I’m going to say to him, and you’re wrong. We don’t have to wait to talk about this before he knows. It won’t make a difference. I love him. He will always be the one for me. There might’ve been the possibility of others, but when Mason came into my life, all those possibilities left. My future’s been set ever since I met him. I told Jackson before, my path will always lead to Mason. The only way it wouldn’t have is if I had never met him.”
“Sam.” He straightened. He sounded so tired. “Stop. Please.”
“No. Even if it isn’t true, what Tate said, it doesn’t matter.”
“You’re right.” He pushed off from the wall and stood facing me. “It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you kept it to yourself. You never should’ve done that. Something like that, something that big, would only have caused distance and problems. Fuck, Sam.” He lifted his hand and raked it through his hair.
I held back a grin at his gesture. Whenever he was frustrated or nervous, his hand always went to his hair. He’d grab a handful like he did now, and he would keep his hand there, just holding onto it.
He noticed my reaction. “What?”
“Nothing.” But I couldn’t keep it in. A slight chuckle slipped out and I pointed to his hand. “You always grab your hair.”
“I do?” He released his hair and laughed. “I had no idea. That’s embarrassing.”
“It’s cute. It’s you. It’s Logan.”
He rolled his eyes and groaned. “What was I saying? Oh yeah.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. “You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. This was the reason you’ve been freaking out since Mason left, even before he left. I could tell something was wrong. You were always with him.” He cursed. “The two of you were like rabbits for a while, always going at it. Now it makes sense.”
“Logan.”
Ignoring me, he kept going, “It hurt when you pulled away from me this year. We were already separated. You moved in with David and my mom moved back. Mason left me too. It wasn’t just you. I needed you this year. I don’t let people in, Sam, but I let you in. We both let you in. It fucking hurt. That’s all I’m saying.”
A lump sat on the bottom of my throat. It rested right there, blocking me from talking, from breathing. I struggled around it. My god, I could see the damage I had done. I choked out, “I’m sorry.”
I was. God, I was.
“Yeah.” He looked at me with dead eyes. “It’s over and done with. Do you realize how much time it’s going to take to for me get over this?”
“That I held this back or…” My heart rate picked up, thumping harder and harder. He had never confirmed or denied it. Was that what he meant…I was still too afraid to ask.
“Yes, that you held back.” He gestured from himself to me. “Mason has to be told. I know it came from Tate, but this is a guy’s worst nightmare, that his girl and his brother fall for each other. I’m hurting, but I’m pissed too. I’m pissed that this wasn’t snuffed out right way. I think about my brother and what’s going to go through his head. I mean…” He turned away sharply, then placed both his hands on the side of his head. Bending over, he let out a yell. When he looked back up, the deadness was there, but it was mixed with anger and just plain misery.
I wanted to look away. I couldn’t, though.
Logan’s chest lifted, and I heard him take a shuddering breath. “The girl I loved wanted my brother. I knew what he did for me, what he kept doing for me afterwards. Mason took care of me. He protected me, but I didn’t love Tate like he loves you. You guys are epic. You guys are going to last forever and knowing that a wedge is between you, that the wedge is me, will haunt me.”
He still hadn’t denied or confirmed. I bit down on my lip. I didn’t want to know, then it would be worse. I just knew it.
“Sam,” he dropped his voice to a whisper.
I turned away.
His hand came to my shoulder and I held still. I kept biting down on my lip and my hands curled into themselves. I felt the first stabbing pain from my nails cutting into my skin, but it went numb. Flashbacks of my junior year, before Mason and Logan loved me, went through my mind. I had been so alone. I had been ostracized. I had no one. I was laughed at, jeered at. People wanted to hurt me.
I had nothing to lose then. I had everything to lose now.
“Stop.” I was gritting my teeth. Everything had tensed inside me, but he didn’t remove his hand. “Stop, Logan.”
“Sam—”
“I said stop it!” I whirled around. It felt as if I had a never-ending stampede in my chest that would never slow down.
“Sam—”
“STOP! YOU DON’T LOVE ME!” I snapped.
In the back of my mind, I was telling myself to calm down. I should’ve been quieter. I needed to be quieter. We were outside, the front lobby just a few feet away. The only thing separating us and that room was a wall of windows. They could hear and someone could come outside.
Logan stepped back, his eyes wide. He looked taken aback.
I shook my head again. “You can’t. I won’t let you. You can’t love me.”
If he did, what then? What would happen? Would Mason still choose me? No. And that was the root of my fear. If Logan loved me, Mason wouldn’t choose me. He had said over and again that he wouldn’t ever let a girl get between them.
He would leave me.
My heart was heavy. I loved them both so much, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. A whisper left me, “It’s Mason for me.”
He closed his eyes again. “Sam,” he started in a murmur.
“Stop.” I touched his shoulder. “I have to say this. I know you want to wait until he knows, but this is what I’m going to say to him, and you’re wrong. We don’t have to wait to talk about this before he knows. It won’t make a difference. I love him. He will always be the one for me. There might’ve been the possibility of others, but when Mason came into my life, all those possibilities left. My future’s been set ever since I met him. I told Jackson before, my path will always lead to Mason. The only way it wouldn’t have is if I had never met him.”
“Sam.” He straightened. He sounded so tired. “Stop. Please.”
“No. Even if it isn’t true, what Tate said, it doesn’t matter.”
“You’re right.” He pushed off from the wall and stood facing me. “It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you kept it to yourself. You never should’ve done that. Something like that, something that big, would only have caused distance and problems. Fuck, Sam.” He lifted his hand and raked it through his hair.
I held back a grin at his gesture. Whenever he was frustrated or nervous, his hand always went to his hair. He’d grab a handful like he did now, and he would keep his hand there, just holding onto it.
He noticed my reaction. “What?”
“Nothing.” But I couldn’t keep it in. A slight chuckle slipped out and I pointed to his hand. “You always grab your hair.”
“I do?” He released his hair and laughed. “I had no idea. That’s embarrassing.”
“It’s cute. It’s you. It’s Logan.”
He rolled his eyes and groaned. “What was I saying? Oh yeah.” He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. “You.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. This was the reason you’ve been freaking out since Mason left, even before he left. I could tell something was wrong. You were always with him.” He cursed. “The two of you were like rabbits for a while, always going at it. Now it makes sense.”
“Logan.”
Ignoring me, he kept going, “It hurt when you pulled away from me this year. We were already separated. You moved in with David and my mom moved back. Mason left me too. It wasn’t just you. I needed you this year. I don’t let people in, Sam, but I let you in. We both let you in. It fucking hurt. That’s all I’m saying.”
A lump sat on the bottom of my throat. It rested right there, blocking me from talking, from breathing. I struggled around it. My god, I could see the damage I had done. I choked out, “I’m sorry.”
I was. God, I was.
“Yeah.” He looked at me with dead eyes. “It’s over and done with. Do you realize how much time it’s going to take to for me get over this?”
“That I held this back or…” My heart rate picked up, thumping harder and harder. He had never confirmed or denied it. Was that what he meant…I was still too afraid to ask.
“Yes, that you held back.” He gestured from himself to me. “Mason has to be told. I know it came from Tate, but this is a guy’s worst nightmare, that his girl and his brother fall for each other. I’m hurting, but I’m pissed too. I’m pissed that this wasn’t snuffed out right way. I think about my brother and what’s going to go through his head. I mean…” He turned away sharply, then placed both his hands on the side of his head. Bending over, he let out a yell. When he looked back up, the deadness was there, but it was mixed with anger and just plain misery.
I wanted to look away. I couldn’t, though.
Logan’s chest lifted, and I heard him take a shuddering breath. “The girl I loved wanted my brother. I knew what he did for me, what he kept doing for me afterwards. Mason took care of me. He protected me, but I didn’t love Tate like he loves you. You guys are epic. You guys are going to last forever and knowing that a wedge is between you, that the wedge is me, will haunt me.”
He still hadn’t denied or confirmed. I bit down on my lip. I didn’t want to know, then it would be worse. I just knew it.
“Sam,” he dropped his voice to a whisper.
I turned away.
His hand came to my shoulder and I held still. I kept biting down on my lip and my hands curled into themselves. I felt the first stabbing pain from my nails cutting into my skin, but it went numb. Flashbacks of my junior year, before Mason and Logan loved me, went through my mind. I had been so alone. I had been ostracized. I had no one. I was laughed at, jeered at. People wanted to hurt me.
I had nothing to lose then. I had everything to lose now.
“Stop.” I was gritting my teeth. Everything had tensed inside me, but he didn’t remove his hand. “Stop, Logan.”
“Sam—”
“I said stop it!” I whirled around. It felt as if I had a never-ending stampede in my chest that would never slow down.
“Sam—”
“STOP! YOU DON’T LOVE ME!” I snapped.
In the back of my mind, I was telling myself to calm down. I should’ve been quieter. I needed to be quieter. We were outside, the front lobby just a few feet away. The only thing separating us and that room was a wall of windows. They could hear and someone could come outside.
Logan stepped back, his eyes wide. He looked taken aback.
I shook my head again. “You can’t. I won’t let you. You can’t love me.”
If he did, what then? What would happen? Would Mason still choose me? No. And that was the root of my fear. If Logan loved me, Mason wouldn’t choose me. He had said over and again that he wouldn’t ever let a girl get between them.
He would leave me.
