Falling Away
Page 30
Driving a new car, the rest of the world blocked out by the rain out the window, and the delicious danger of Jaxon Trent sitting next to me. The boy my mother would never have approved of. The boy who was bad for me.
The boy who would do bad things to me if I let him.
Well, my mother had nothing to worry about after all. Jax might have wanted in my pants in high school, but this one saw the ten shades of wimp I was and was probably bored out of his mind right now.
“So, why did you get arrested?” Jax asked.
I took my hand out from underneath his and held the wheel as I rounded the first corner.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said quietly.
“Is it embarrassing?” he prodded.
“No.” I winced. “Just … yeah, a little.” I looked over at him. “I mean getting arrested is embarrassing, despite the reason, right?”
He arched an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, never mind. In your world, wearing handcuffs is cool,” I mocked.
But then my face fell, realizing what I’d just insinuated.
“I didn’t mean that,” I blurted, looking over at his grinning face.
His hot eyes smiled at me. “You in handcuffs would be cool, K.C.”
Oh, shit.
I heard him laugh, but my eyes were blindly focused outside.
“Didn’t mean to distract you,” he sort of apologized. “Keep driving.”
Clearing my throat, I forged ahead, getting all the way to fifth gear in between turns and coming down successfully when I rounded corners. I went around the track twice and eventually relaxed enough to sit back and smooth into the transitions from gear to gear.
And I loved it. Enticing the car to move when I wanted it to move. Propelling it forward, dragging it back down … It was almost obscene how much I liked it.
The small smile I allowed myself might have been barely visible, but I felt it all over my body. As I rounded the final turn. As I shifted down. And as I slowed to a stop at the finish line.
I definitely want one of these, I thought as I sat there.
Jax let out a pleased sigh. “Now you know how to drive a stick.”
I bowed my head, hiding my smile from him. “Yeah,” I said quietly.
“You driving us to school tomorrow?”
I laughed and put the car in neutral, setting the parking brake.
Running my fingers up the steering wheel, I nibbled on my bottom lip before speaking.
“I caught Liam at a bar with another woman,” I started, not sure why. “I walked up to them—as they were making out—and grabbed a knife off the nearby bar and stabbed the table where they sat.” I twisted my embarrassed smile to the side, feeling the blush heat my skin. “And then I proceeded to wave the knife in front of both of them and threaten his loss of genitals,” I finished, closing my eyes, wincing at my idiocy. “Yeah.” I nodded, knowing what he must’ve been thinking. “I did that.”
“Badass.” He sounded proud. “Good for you.”
I opened my eyes and shrugged, still feeling stupid. “It was a butter knife,” I mumbled.
And Jax lost it. He let out a huge snort and laughed, the wheezing sound coming from the pit of his stomach as he slapped his thigh once in appreciation.
“Funny thing is,” I continued through his laughter, “I haven’t cried.” I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. “I mean not about him. We were together for five years, and I don’t feel like anything is missing. Isn’t that weird?” I asked as Jax’s face calmed, and he listened.
I had to admit it, even as terrible as it sounded. And Liam probably wasn’t missing me, either. I wasn’t the easiest girlfriend, and although I regretted him, I couldn’t help feeling that he probably regretted me, too.
“You’re going to be okay,” Jax offered.
I shook my head, my voice turning sad. “I don’t want be okay,” I countered. “I want to be off the rails, Jax. I want to fight and scream and rage and lose myself. I want to be hungry.” I dropped my voice to a whisper as I looked out the windshield. “I want to be a mess. For once.”
Letting out a defeated sigh, I swung the car door open and stepped out into the rain. Slamming it shut, I turned around and placed my palms on the roof, bowing my head and closing my eyes. I breathed in and out, just wishing the rain would wash me away with the heat on my skin.
The fragrant smell of moss from the nearby pond coursed through my nostrils, and the pitter-patter of drops on the water drowned out the noise in my head. I smiled gratefully as thin lines of water spilled over my lips, and the cool rain plastered my clothes to my hot skin.
“So, why don’t you do it?”
I popped my head up and spun around, seeing that Jax had come up behind me. “Do what?”
“Lose yourself.” His deep voice and challenging eyes were hard on me. “Find what makes you hungry. Go off the rails. Fight, scream, rage … Why don’t you just do it?”
I looked away. “It’s so easy for you, isn’t it?” I raised my voice, speaking over the downpour. “You don’t answer to anyone, Jax.”
He looked at me as if I was pathetic. “Oh, you’re so full of shit,” he chided. “You’re fucking scared. And you’re not going to realize it until you’re saddled in the suburbs with two-point-five kids and married to some dick who’d rather let his secretary blow him than come home to you.”
The boy who would do bad things to me if I let him.
Well, my mother had nothing to worry about after all. Jax might have wanted in my pants in high school, but this one saw the ten shades of wimp I was and was probably bored out of his mind right now.
“So, why did you get arrested?” Jax asked.
I took my hand out from underneath his and held the wheel as I rounded the first corner.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said quietly.
“Is it embarrassing?” he prodded.
“No.” I winced. “Just … yeah, a little.” I looked over at him. “I mean getting arrested is embarrassing, despite the reason, right?”
He arched an eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, never mind. In your world, wearing handcuffs is cool,” I mocked.
But then my face fell, realizing what I’d just insinuated.
“I didn’t mean that,” I blurted, looking over at his grinning face.
His hot eyes smiled at me. “You in handcuffs would be cool, K.C.”
Oh, shit.
I heard him laugh, but my eyes were blindly focused outside.
“Didn’t mean to distract you,” he sort of apologized. “Keep driving.”
Clearing my throat, I forged ahead, getting all the way to fifth gear in between turns and coming down successfully when I rounded corners. I went around the track twice and eventually relaxed enough to sit back and smooth into the transitions from gear to gear.
And I loved it. Enticing the car to move when I wanted it to move. Propelling it forward, dragging it back down … It was almost obscene how much I liked it.
The small smile I allowed myself might have been barely visible, but I felt it all over my body. As I rounded the final turn. As I shifted down. And as I slowed to a stop at the finish line.
I definitely want one of these, I thought as I sat there.
Jax let out a pleased sigh. “Now you know how to drive a stick.”
I bowed my head, hiding my smile from him. “Yeah,” I said quietly.
“You driving us to school tomorrow?”
I laughed and put the car in neutral, setting the parking brake.
Running my fingers up the steering wheel, I nibbled on my bottom lip before speaking.
“I caught Liam at a bar with another woman,” I started, not sure why. “I walked up to them—as they were making out—and grabbed a knife off the nearby bar and stabbed the table where they sat.” I twisted my embarrassed smile to the side, feeling the blush heat my skin. “And then I proceeded to wave the knife in front of both of them and threaten his loss of genitals,” I finished, closing my eyes, wincing at my idiocy. “Yeah.” I nodded, knowing what he must’ve been thinking. “I did that.”
“Badass.” He sounded proud. “Good for you.”
I opened my eyes and shrugged, still feeling stupid. “It was a butter knife,” I mumbled.
And Jax lost it. He let out a huge snort and laughed, the wheezing sound coming from the pit of his stomach as he slapped his thigh once in appreciation.
“Funny thing is,” I continued through his laughter, “I haven’t cried.” I looked over at him and narrowed my eyes. “I mean not about him. We were together for five years, and I don’t feel like anything is missing. Isn’t that weird?” I asked as Jax’s face calmed, and he listened.
I had to admit it, even as terrible as it sounded. And Liam probably wasn’t missing me, either. I wasn’t the easiest girlfriend, and although I regretted him, I couldn’t help feeling that he probably regretted me, too.
“You’re going to be okay,” Jax offered.
I shook my head, my voice turning sad. “I don’t want be okay,” I countered. “I want to be off the rails, Jax. I want to fight and scream and rage and lose myself. I want to be hungry.” I dropped my voice to a whisper as I looked out the windshield. “I want to be a mess. For once.”
Letting out a defeated sigh, I swung the car door open and stepped out into the rain. Slamming it shut, I turned around and placed my palms on the roof, bowing my head and closing my eyes. I breathed in and out, just wishing the rain would wash me away with the heat on my skin.
The fragrant smell of moss from the nearby pond coursed through my nostrils, and the pitter-patter of drops on the water drowned out the noise in my head. I smiled gratefully as thin lines of water spilled over my lips, and the cool rain plastered my clothes to my hot skin.
“So, why don’t you do it?”
I popped my head up and spun around, seeing that Jax had come up behind me. “Do what?”
“Lose yourself.” His deep voice and challenging eyes were hard on me. “Find what makes you hungry. Go off the rails. Fight, scream, rage … Why don’t you just do it?”
I looked away. “It’s so easy for you, isn’t it?” I raised my voice, speaking over the downpour. “You don’t answer to anyone, Jax.”
He looked at me as if I was pathetic. “Oh, you’re so full of shit,” he chided. “You’re fucking scared. And you’re not going to realize it until you’re saddled in the suburbs with two-point-five kids and married to some dick who’d rather let his secretary blow him than come home to you.”
