Falling Away
Page 72
They watched me, leaning back against the concrete benches.
I held my packet by the staple. “Take a look at page one.”
They held up their papers, squinting at them, beginning to read.
I swallowed. “Christa? Would you read the first entry, please?” My pulse raced just beneath my skin.
She cleared her throat, sat up, and started.
11/16/2003
Dear Juliet,
I’m sorry that Mother took away your toys. Please don’t be sad. Everything is going to be good someday. If you practice you will get better. It took me a long time to make sure my shoes were lined up straight, too. You’re already so much better than I was! And I thought your hair looked super. Don’t worry about what Mother said. You’re so good at braiding. I’m sorry she spanked you. Go give her a hug and say how nice her perfume smells. Maybe she’ll let you borrow some!
I love you!
Katherina
Her voice was chipper and happy, and you could hear the exclamation points. She’d picked up the voice of an eight-year-old easily.
She looked up and pinched her eyebrows together. “This is a letter from a child,” she guessed.
I smiled gently and nodded.
“Ana?” I gestured, and she sat up. “Next one, please?”
Ana leaned forward, setting her elbows on her knees, and started.
7/14/2004
Dear Juliet,
Mother is right. You are no good! You can’t even keep your shirt from getting wrinkly before family pictures! You are worthless, and I hate you! Everyone hates you! I wish I had a different sister! You’re ugly and stupid! Everyone laughs at you, and Daddy doesn’t even want you. He only wants me! I wish you were dead!
I pressed my lips between my teeth and breathed in. I didn’t want to look up, so I just kept going.
“Sydney, turn the page. Read the next one, please,” I said, flipping the page over.
Sydney hesitated and then cleared her throat.
9/2/2010
Dear Juliet,
I made a new friend today. Her name is Tate, and she doesn’t have a mom. I wish we didn’t have a mom. Maybe you would be safe then. I love you, Juliet, and I think Tate will love you, too. She’s so beautiful and cool and kind. She makes me laugh, and I wish I could introduce her to Dad. He talked to me today, you know? Well, of course you do.
I hate that he can’t remember you most of the time, and I hate that he’s in that hospital, but at least he gives me hugs. Even if he can’t remember me, he’s the only person that gives me hugs. I wish I could see you. I wish I could look in the mirror and still see you there. I’ll bet you look awesome, and I miss your music. Why did you leave? Why won’t you come home?
Katherina
Sydney’s voice fell raspy and soft. “These are a child’s diary entries, aren’t they? To her sister,” she assumed.
I sighed. “Perhaps,” I said, looking around at the girls’ troubled faces. Jake hid behind his sunglasses, but I could tell he was listening.
“What’s the child feeling?” I asked.
“Anger,” Jake ventured. “Innocence. And a lot of sadness.”
I nodded, strolling down the row of seats past each student. “This child has no one to talk to,” I pointed out. “She’s hurting, and she has nowhere to turn to.” I tipped my chin down, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Jake, will you read the next one, please?”
He stayed back, leaning against the concrete but turning his attention to the paper.
3/24/2011
Dear Mother,
I can’t wait to leave you. It’s all I think about. Three more years, and I’m going to college, and I never want to see you again. I feel guilty every time Liam kisses me. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not doing anything wrong! Everyone kisses their boyfriend and does more! I want to feel. I want to laugh and let go. I want to be happy. Were you ever happy? Did you ever love my father? Me? I feel like I could sink to the bottom of the ocean and never need air. I’m dead.
Katherina
Jake sat up, studying the paper, and then looked up at me. “Juliet is her alter ego,” he stated. “When she writes to Juliet, she’s angry at her. Disappointed. Condescending.” He took off his glasses and squinted at me. “But when she writes to her mother, she’s angry and disappointed in herself. Juliet and Katherina are the same girl.”
My chest flooded with icy heat, and my heart jackhammered through my chest. Jesus. Jake might not be on drugs after all.
I inhaled a breath and looked down. “It’s possible,” I offered, and looked to the girls. “Christa, will you read the next one, please?”
Christa rushed to flip the page.
12/11/13
Dear Juliet,
There’s a new guy at school. He keeps looking at me. Mother would never approve of him, but I can’t help it. I can’t wait to get to school every day and feel him watching me. He makes me feel beautiful, and I love the way my heart rushes. I hide it, but I love it. Being inside my head these days is a lot more fun than it used to be!
Christa smiled wide, and I saw the others try to bite back theirs.
“I like that feeling.” She laughed, and I remembered loving it, too. Jax was something I looked forward to, and he gave me tunnel vision. Catching him looking at me always made me feel beautiful.
I cleared my throat of the tears I’d been holding back. “I’ll read the last one.”
6/16/2014
Dear Juliet,
I held my packet by the staple. “Take a look at page one.”
They held up their papers, squinting at them, beginning to read.
I swallowed. “Christa? Would you read the first entry, please?” My pulse raced just beneath my skin.
She cleared her throat, sat up, and started.
11/16/2003
Dear Juliet,
I’m sorry that Mother took away your toys. Please don’t be sad. Everything is going to be good someday. If you practice you will get better. It took me a long time to make sure my shoes were lined up straight, too. You’re already so much better than I was! And I thought your hair looked super. Don’t worry about what Mother said. You’re so good at braiding. I’m sorry she spanked you. Go give her a hug and say how nice her perfume smells. Maybe she’ll let you borrow some!
I love you!
Katherina
Her voice was chipper and happy, and you could hear the exclamation points. She’d picked up the voice of an eight-year-old easily.
She looked up and pinched her eyebrows together. “This is a letter from a child,” she guessed.
I smiled gently and nodded.
“Ana?” I gestured, and she sat up. “Next one, please?”
Ana leaned forward, setting her elbows on her knees, and started.
7/14/2004
Dear Juliet,
Mother is right. You are no good! You can’t even keep your shirt from getting wrinkly before family pictures! You are worthless, and I hate you! Everyone hates you! I wish I had a different sister! You’re ugly and stupid! Everyone laughs at you, and Daddy doesn’t even want you. He only wants me! I wish you were dead!
I pressed my lips between my teeth and breathed in. I didn’t want to look up, so I just kept going.
“Sydney, turn the page. Read the next one, please,” I said, flipping the page over.
Sydney hesitated and then cleared her throat.
9/2/2010
Dear Juliet,
I made a new friend today. Her name is Tate, and she doesn’t have a mom. I wish we didn’t have a mom. Maybe you would be safe then. I love you, Juliet, and I think Tate will love you, too. She’s so beautiful and cool and kind. She makes me laugh, and I wish I could introduce her to Dad. He talked to me today, you know? Well, of course you do.
I hate that he can’t remember you most of the time, and I hate that he’s in that hospital, but at least he gives me hugs. Even if he can’t remember me, he’s the only person that gives me hugs. I wish I could see you. I wish I could look in the mirror and still see you there. I’ll bet you look awesome, and I miss your music. Why did you leave? Why won’t you come home?
Katherina
Sydney’s voice fell raspy and soft. “These are a child’s diary entries, aren’t they? To her sister,” she assumed.
I sighed. “Perhaps,” I said, looking around at the girls’ troubled faces. Jake hid behind his sunglasses, but I could tell he was listening.
“What’s the child feeling?” I asked.
“Anger,” Jake ventured. “Innocence. And a lot of sadness.”
I nodded, strolling down the row of seats past each student. “This child has no one to talk to,” I pointed out. “She’s hurting, and she has nowhere to turn to.” I tipped my chin down, swallowing the lump in my throat. “Jake, will you read the next one, please?”
He stayed back, leaning against the concrete but turning his attention to the paper.
3/24/2011
Dear Mother,
I can’t wait to leave you. It’s all I think about. Three more years, and I’m going to college, and I never want to see you again. I feel guilty every time Liam kisses me. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not doing anything wrong! Everyone kisses their boyfriend and does more! I want to feel. I want to laugh and let go. I want to be happy. Were you ever happy? Did you ever love my father? Me? I feel like I could sink to the bottom of the ocean and never need air. I’m dead.
Katherina
Jake sat up, studying the paper, and then looked up at me. “Juliet is her alter ego,” he stated. “When she writes to Juliet, she’s angry at her. Disappointed. Condescending.” He took off his glasses and squinted at me. “But when she writes to her mother, she’s angry and disappointed in herself. Juliet and Katherina are the same girl.”
My chest flooded with icy heat, and my heart jackhammered through my chest. Jesus. Jake might not be on drugs after all.
I inhaled a breath and looked down. “It’s possible,” I offered, and looked to the girls. “Christa, will you read the next one, please?”
Christa rushed to flip the page.
12/11/13
Dear Juliet,
There’s a new guy at school. He keeps looking at me. Mother would never approve of him, but I can’t help it. I can’t wait to get to school every day and feel him watching me. He makes me feel beautiful, and I love the way my heart rushes. I hide it, but I love it. Being inside my head these days is a lot more fun than it used to be!
Christa smiled wide, and I saw the others try to bite back theirs.
“I like that feeling.” She laughed, and I remembered loving it, too. Jax was something I looked forward to, and he gave me tunnel vision. Catching him looking at me always made me feel beautiful.
I cleared my throat of the tears I’d been holding back. “I’ll read the last one.”
6/16/2014
Dear Juliet,
