Falling for Rachel
Page 47
“Just how involved are you with your co-guardian?”
With her face carefully blank, Rachel sat back in her seat. “I believe that’s irrelevant.”
“Do you? Well.” She gestured with her hand. “Continue.”
“For nearly two months, Nick has stayed out of trouble. He’s been handling the responsibilities Zack has given him. He’s developing outside interests. He plays the piano.”
“Does he?”
“Zack bought him one when he found out.”
“That doesn’t seem like something that would make fists fly.” A faint smile played around her mouth as she gestured with her manhattan. “You’re dodging the point, Counselor.”
“I want you to understand that this probationary period has been successful. What happened tonight was simply a product of misunderstandings and hot tempers. It was the exception rather than the rule.”
“You’re not in court.”
“No, Your Honor, but I don’t want you to hold this against my client when I am.”
“Agreed.” Pleased with what she saw in Rachel, what she heard, and what she sensed, Beckett rattled the ice in her glass. “Explain tonight.”
“It was my fault,” Rachel said, pushing her wine aside. “It was poor judgment on my part that caused Nick to feel, to believe he felt…something.”
Beckett pursed her lips. “I begin to see. He’s a healthy young man, and you’re an attractive woman who’s shown an interest in him.”
“And I blew it,” Rachel said bitterly. “I thought I’d handled it. I was so damn sure I was on top of everything.”
“I know the feeling.” Beckett sampled a beer nut thoughtfully. “Off the record. Start at the beginning.”
Hoping her own culpability would lighten Nick’s load, even if it got her thrown off the case, Rachel explained. Beckett said nothing, only nodding or making interested noises now and again. “And when he walked into the office and saw Zack and me together,” she concluded, “all he saw was betrayal. I know I had no right to become involved with Zack. Excuses don’t cut it.”
“Rachel, you’re an excellent attorney. That doesn’t preclude your having a private life.”
“When it endangers my relationship with a client—”
“Don’t interrupt. I’ll grant that you may have exercised poor judgment in this instance. I’ll also grant that one can’t always choose the time, place or circumstances for falling in love.”
“I didn’t say I was in love.”
Beckett smiled. “I noticed that. It’s easier to beat yourself up about it if you tell yourself love had nothing to do with it.” Her smile widened. “No rebuttal, Counselor? Just as well, because I haven’t finished. I could tell you you’ve lost your objectivity, but you already know that. I, for one, am not entirely sure objectivity is always the answer. There are so many shades between right and wrong. Finding the one that fits is something we struggle with every day. Your client is trying to find his. You may not be able to help.”
“I don’t want to let him down.”
“Better you should do what’s possible to prevent him from letting himself down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You’ll discover how often it doesn’t when it’s your turn to sit on the bench.”
The understanding in Beckett’s eyes had Rachel reaching for her wine again. “I didn’t know I was that transparent.”
“Oh, to one who’s been there, certainly.” Amused, Beckett tapped her glass against Rachel’s. “A few more years of seasoning, Counselor, and you’ll make quite a competent judge. That is what you want?”
“Yes.” She met Beckett’s eyes levelly. “That’s exactly what I want.”
“Good. Now, since I’ve had a drink and I’m feeling rather mellow, I’ll tell you something—off the record. It was almost thirty years ago that I was you. So very close to who and what you are. Things were more difficult for women in our position than they are now. They’re far from perfect now,” she added, setting her glass aside, “but some of the battles are over. I had to make choices. Those professional-versus-personal choices that men rarely have to make. Do I have a family or do I have a career? I don’t regret choosing my career.”
She glanced back at the bar, at Zack, and sighed. “Or only rarely. But times change, and even a professionally ambitious woman doesn’t have to make an either-or decision. She can have both, if she’s clever. You strike me as a clever woman.”
“I like to think so,” Rachel murmured. “But it doesn’t make it any less terrifying.”
“That kind of terror makes life worthwhile. I don’t think nerves will stop you, Counselor. I don’t think anything will. In the meantime, see that you and your client are prepared for the hearing.”
When Beckett rose, Rachel was instantly on her feet. “Judge Beckett, about tonight—”
“I came in for a drink. It’s a nice bar. Clean, friendly. As for my decision, that will depend on what I see and hear in my courtroom. Understood?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Tell Mr. Muldoon he makes an excellent manhattan.”
With her emotions still in a state of upheaval, Rachel watched Beckett stroll out.
“How bad is it?” Zack asked from behind her.
Rachel merely shook her head, reaching back to take his hand. “She likes the way you mix a drink.” Turning to him, she comforted him with a hug. “And I think I’ve just met another intelligent woman with a weakness for bad boys. It’s going to be all right.”
“If Nick doesn’t come back…”
“He’ll be back.” She needed to believe it. Needed to make Zack believe it. “He’s mad, and he’s hurt, but he’s not stupid.” She gave his hand another quick squeeze and smiled up at him. “He’s too much like you.”
“I shouldn’t have hit him.”
“Intellectually, I agree. Emotionally…” Because passion was a part of her life, she shrugged it off. “I’ve seen my brothers pound on each other too often to believe it’s the end of the world. I’ve got to go.” She touched a gentle kiss to his swollen lip. “When he comes back, it’s probably best if I’m not here. But I want you to call me when he shows up, no matter what time it is.”
With her face carefully blank, Rachel sat back in her seat. “I believe that’s irrelevant.”
“Do you? Well.” She gestured with her hand. “Continue.”
“For nearly two months, Nick has stayed out of trouble. He’s been handling the responsibilities Zack has given him. He’s developing outside interests. He plays the piano.”
“Does he?”
“Zack bought him one when he found out.”
“That doesn’t seem like something that would make fists fly.” A faint smile played around her mouth as she gestured with her manhattan. “You’re dodging the point, Counselor.”
“I want you to understand that this probationary period has been successful. What happened tonight was simply a product of misunderstandings and hot tempers. It was the exception rather than the rule.”
“You’re not in court.”
“No, Your Honor, but I don’t want you to hold this against my client when I am.”
“Agreed.” Pleased with what she saw in Rachel, what she heard, and what she sensed, Beckett rattled the ice in her glass. “Explain tonight.”
“It was my fault,” Rachel said, pushing her wine aside. “It was poor judgment on my part that caused Nick to feel, to believe he felt…something.”
Beckett pursed her lips. “I begin to see. He’s a healthy young man, and you’re an attractive woman who’s shown an interest in him.”
“And I blew it,” Rachel said bitterly. “I thought I’d handled it. I was so damn sure I was on top of everything.”
“I know the feeling.” Beckett sampled a beer nut thoughtfully. “Off the record. Start at the beginning.”
Hoping her own culpability would lighten Nick’s load, even if it got her thrown off the case, Rachel explained. Beckett said nothing, only nodding or making interested noises now and again. “And when he walked into the office and saw Zack and me together,” she concluded, “all he saw was betrayal. I know I had no right to become involved with Zack. Excuses don’t cut it.”
“Rachel, you’re an excellent attorney. That doesn’t preclude your having a private life.”
“When it endangers my relationship with a client—”
“Don’t interrupt. I’ll grant that you may have exercised poor judgment in this instance. I’ll also grant that one can’t always choose the time, place or circumstances for falling in love.”
“I didn’t say I was in love.”
Beckett smiled. “I noticed that. It’s easier to beat yourself up about it if you tell yourself love had nothing to do with it.” Her smile widened. “No rebuttal, Counselor? Just as well, because I haven’t finished. I could tell you you’ve lost your objectivity, but you already know that. I, for one, am not entirely sure objectivity is always the answer. There are so many shades between right and wrong. Finding the one that fits is something we struggle with every day. Your client is trying to find his. You may not be able to help.”
“I don’t want to let him down.”
“Better you should do what’s possible to prevent him from letting himself down. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. You’ll discover how often it doesn’t when it’s your turn to sit on the bench.”
The understanding in Beckett’s eyes had Rachel reaching for her wine again. “I didn’t know I was that transparent.”
“Oh, to one who’s been there, certainly.” Amused, Beckett tapped her glass against Rachel’s. “A few more years of seasoning, Counselor, and you’ll make quite a competent judge. That is what you want?”
“Yes.” She met Beckett’s eyes levelly. “That’s exactly what I want.”
“Good. Now, since I’ve had a drink and I’m feeling rather mellow, I’ll tell you something—off the record. It was almost thirty years ago that I was you. So very close to who and what you are. Things were more difficult for women in our position than they are now. They’re far from perfect now,” she added, setting her glass aside, “but some of the battles are over. I had to make choices. Those professional-versus-personal choices that men rarely have to make. Do I have a family or do I have a career? I don’t regret choosing my career.”
She glanced back at the bar, at Zack, and sighed. “Or only rarely. But times change, and even a professionally ambitious woman doesn’t have to make an either-or decision. She can have both, if she’s clever. You strike me as a clever woman.”
“I like to think so,” Rachel murmured. “But it doesn’t make it any less terrifying.”
“That kind of terror makes life worthwhile. I don’t think nerves will stop you, Counselor. I don’t think anything will. In the meantime, see that you and your client are prepared for the hearing.”
When Beckett rose, Rachel was instantly on her feet. “Judge Beckett, about tonight—”
“I came in for a drink. It’s a nice bar. Clean, friendly. As for my decision, that will depend on what I see and hear in my courtroom. Understood?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“Tell Mr. Muldoon he makes an excellent manhattan.”
With her emotions still in a state of upheaval, Rachel watched Beckett stroll out.
“How bad is it?” Zack asked from behind her.
Rachel merely shook her head, reaching back to take his hand. “She likes the way you mix a drink.” Turning to him, she comforted him with a hug. “And I think I’ve just met another intelligent woman with a weakness for bad boys. It’s going to be all right.”
“If Nick doesn’t come back…”
“He’ll be back.” She needed to believe it. Needed to make Zack believe it. “He’s mad, and he’s hurt, but he’s not stupid.” She gave his hand another quick squeeze and smiled up at him. “He’s too much like you.”
“I shouldn’t have hit him.”
“Intellectually, I agree. Emotionally…” Because passion was a part of her life, she shrugged it off. “I’ve seen my brothers pound on each other too often to believe it’s the end of the world. I’ve got to go.” She touched a gentle kiss to his swollen lip. “When he comes back, it’s probably best if I’m not here. But I want you to call me when he shows up, no matter what time it is.”
