Falling for Rachel
Page 49
Because he was afraid she’d stay pressed against the door trembling until he agreed, he nodded. “You’ve got some things to toss back at me. I figure I owe you that.” As he sat, his shoulders slumped. “I guess you’ll ask to be taken off the case.”
“That has nothing to do with this. But no.” She thought about picking up her cold tea, but she was afraid her hands weren’t steady enough. “This is personal, Nick. I’m the one who screwed up by blurring the lines. I knew better. There’s no excuse.” Inhaling deeply, she linked her fingers in her lap. “What happened between Zack and me wasn’t planned, and it certainly wasn’t professional.”
He gave a quick snort. “Now you’re going to tell me you couldn’t help yourself.”
“No,” she said quietly. “I could have. There’s always a choice. I didn’t want to help myself.”
Her answer, and the tone of it, had him frowning. He’d been certain she would try to find an easy way out. “So, you chose him.”
“What happened was immediate, and maybe a little overwhelming…” She wasn’t certain there were words to describe what had happened between her and Zack. “In any case, I could have stopped it. Or at least postponed it. I didn’t, and that fault lies with me. The fact that we were both your guardians made it a poor call, but—” She shook her head. “No buts. It was a poor call.” Her eyes met his, pleaded for trust. “We never thought of you as poor or pathetic. We never laughed at you. Whatever you think of me, don’t let it ruin what you’ve started to get back with Zack.”
“He moved in on me.”
“Nick.” Her voice held both patience and compassion. “He didn’t. You know he didn’t.”
He did know, wondered if he had always known, that his relationship with Rachel had never been anything more than a fantasy. But knowing it didn’t ease the raw wounds of rejection.
“I cared about you.”
“I know.” Her eyes filled again, and spilled over before she could prevent it. “I’m sorry.”
“God, Rachel. Don’t.” He didn’t think he could stand it. First he’d terrified her, and now he was making her cry. “Don’t do that.”
“I won’t.” But as quickly as she swiped at the tears, more fell. “I just feel so lousy about it all. When I look back, I can see a dozen ways I should’ve handled things. I’m usually in control.” Her breath hitched as she fought for composure. “I hate, I really hate, that I’ve come between the two of you.”
“Hey, come on.” He was totally at a loss. When he rose to cross to her, he was surprised he didn’t leave a trail of slime on her rug. “Listen, take it easy, okay?” He patted her shoulder awkwardly. “I’ve been dumped before.”
All that did was force her to fumble in the pocket of her robe for a tissue. “Don’t hate him because of this.”
“Don’t ask for miracles.”
“Oh, Nick, if you could only see through all the mistakes to what you mean to him.”
“No lectures.” Since her tears seemed to be drying up, he felt he could take a stand on that. “You carry on like you’re in love with him.” He was stunned when he saw the look in her eyes, the miserable, heartsick look, before they filled again. “Oh, man.” While she crumpled into sobs, he readjusted his thinking. “You mean it’s not just sex?”
“It was supposed to be.” His arm went around her tentatively, and she leaned into it. “Oh, God, how did I get into all this? I don’t want to be in love with anybody.”
“That’s rough.” It occurred to Nick that he was holding her close but there weren’t any tingles or tugs. The hell of it was, he was feeling almost brotherly. No one had ever cried on his shoulder before, or looked to him for support. “How about him? Is he stuck in the same groove?”
“I don’t know.” She sniffled, blew her nose. “We haven’t talked about it. We aren’t going to talk about it. The whole thing’s ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.” Thoroughly ashamed, she eased back. “Let’s just say it’s been an emotional night all around. Please, don’t say anything to him about this.”
“I figure that’s up to you.”
“Good. I appreciate it.” Still shaky, she wiped at a stray tear with the back of her hand. “Don’t hate me too much.”
“I don’t hate you.” He leaned back, suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I thought I could come up here tonight and prove to you I was the better man. Pretty stupid.”
“You’re both pretty special,” she told him. “Why else would a nice, sensible woman like me fall for both of you?”
He turned his head to give her a weak smile. “You sure can pick ’em.”
“Yeah.” She touched his cheek. “I sure can. Tell me you’re going back.”
His lips flattened. “Where else would I go?”
That didn’t satisfy her. “Tell me you’re going back to talk things through with him, to work things out.”
“I can’t tell you that.”
When he started to stand, she took his hand. “Let me go back with you. I want to help. I need to feel as though I’ve made some of this up to the two of you.”
“You didn’t do anything but fall for the wrong guy.”
She took a great deal of comfort from the familiar smirk. “You may be right. Let me come anyway.”
“Suit yourself. You might want to wash your face. Your eyes are red.”
“Great. Give me five minutes.”
Rachel could feel Nick start to tense up half a block from Lower the Boom. His shoulders were hunched, his brows were lowered, his hands were jammed in his pockets.
Typical, she thought. The male animal ruffles his fur and bares his teeth to show the opposing male how tough he is.
She kept the observation to herself, knowing neither of these males would appreciate it.
“Here’s the idea,” she said, pausing by the door. “It was a pretty slow night, and it’s already after one. We’ll wait until the bar closes, and you two can say your piece. I’ll be mediator.”
“That has nothing to do with this. But no.” She thought about picking up her cold tea, but she was afraid her hands weren’t steady enough. “This is personal, Nick. I’m the one who screwed up by blurring the lines. I knew better. There’s no excuse.” Inhaling deeply, she linked her fingers in her lap. “What happened between Zack and me wasn’t planned, and it certainly wasn’t professional.”
He gave a quick snort. “Now you’re going to tell me you couldn’t help yourself.”
“No,” she said quietly. “I could have. There’s always a choice. I didn’t want to help myself.”
Her answer, and the tone of it, had him frowning. He’d been certain she would try to find an easy way out. “So, you chose him.”
“What happened was immediate, and maybe a little overwhelming…” She wasn’t certain there were words to describe what had happened between her and Zack. “In any case, I could have stopped it. Or at least postponed it. I didn’t, and that fault lies with me. The fact that we were both your guardians made it a poor call, but—” She shook her head. “No buts. It was a poor call.” Her eyes met his, pleaded for trust. “We never thought of you as poor or pathetic. We never laughed at you. Whatever you think of me, don’t let it ruin what you’ve started to get back with Zack.”
“He moved in on me.”
“Nick.” Her voice held both patience and compassion. “He didn’t. You know he didn’t.”
He did know, wondered if he had always known, that his relationship with Rachel had never been anything more than a fantasy. But knowing it didn’t ease the raw wounds of rejection.
“I cared about you.”
“I know.” Her eyes filled again, and spilled over before she could prevent it. “I’m sorry.”
“God, Rachel. Don’t.” He didn’t think he could stand it. First he’d terrified her, and now he was making her cry. “Don’t do that.”
“I won’t.” But as quickly as she swiped at the tears, more fell. “I just feel so lousy about it all. When I look back, I can see a dozen ways I should’ve handled things. I’m usually in control.” Her breath hitched as she fought for composure. “I hate, I really hate, that I’ve come between the two of you.”
“Hey, come on.” He was totally at a loss. When he rose to cross to her, he was surprised he didn’t leave a trail of slime on her rug. “Listen, take it easy, okay?” He patted her shoulder awkwardly. “I’ve been dumped before.”
All that did was force her to fumble in the pocket of her robe for a tissue. “Don’t hate him because of this.”
“Don’t ask for miracles.”
“Oh, Nick, if you could only see through all the mistakes to what you mean to him.”
“No lectures.” Since her tears seemed to be drying up, he felt he could take a stand on that. “You carry on like you’re in love with him.” He was stunned when he saw the look in her eyes, the miserable, heartsick look, before they filled again. “Oh, man.” While she crumpled into sobs, he readjusted his thinking. “You mean it’s not just sex?”
“It was supposed to be.” His arm went around her tentatively, and she leaned into it. “Oh, God, how did I get into all this? I don’t want to be in love with anybody.”
“That’s rough.” It occurred to Nick that he was holding her close but there weren’t any tingles or tugs. The hell of it was, he was feeling almost brotherly. No one had ever cried on his shoulder before, or looked to him for support. “How about him? Is he stuck in the same groove?”
“I don’t know.” She sniffled, blew her nose. “We haven’t talked about it. We aren’t going to talk about it. The whole thing’s ridiculous. I’m ridiculous.” Thoroughly ashamed, she eased back. “Let’s just say it’s been an emotional night all around. Please, don’t say anything to him about this.”
“I figure that’s up to you.”
“Good. I appreciate it.” Still shaky, she wiped at a stray tear with the back of her hand. “Don’t hate me too much.”
“I don’t hate you.” He leaned back, suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I thought I could come up here tonight and prove to you I was the better man. Pretty stupid.”
“You’re both pretty special,” she told him. “Why else would a nice, sensible woman like me fall for both of you?”
He turned his head to give her a weak smile. “You sure can pick ’em.”
“Yeah.” She touched his cheek. “I sure can. Tell me you’re going back.”
His lips flattened. “Where else would I go?”
That didn’t satisfy her. “Tell me you’re going back to talk things through with him, to work things out.”
“I can’t tell you that.”
When he started to stand, she took his hand. “Let me go back with you. I want to help. I need to feel as though I’ve made some of this up to the two of you.”
“You didn’t do anything but fall for the wrong guy.”
She took a great deal of comfort from the familiar smirk. “You may be right. Let me come anyway.”
“Suit yourself. You might want to wash your face. Your eyes are red.”
“Great. Give me five minutes.”
Rachel could feel Nick start to tense up half a block from Lower the Boom. His shoulders were hunched, his brows were lowered, his hands were jammed in his pockets.
Typical, she thought. The male animal ruffles his fur and bares his teeth to show the opposing male how tough he is.
She kept the observation to herself, knowing neither of these males would appreciate it.
“Here’s the idea,” she said, pausing by the door. “It was a pretty slow night, and it’s already after one. We’ll wait until the bar closes, and you two can say your piece. I’ll be mediator.”
