Falling Under
Page 60
They were right, she knew. And that was sad too.
“I was thinking,” Duke said as he settled in next to her in bed later that night. “I haven’t taken off more than two days in a row for anything other than work trips in a few years. Want to go out to the coast on the bike? We can stay a few days. What do you say?”
“Yeah. That would be nice. After the grand opening, though.” She wriggled her ass back into the cradle of his hips.
“We can do it before. It’s not like I’m building it. I’m paying someone to do that part. They prefer it when I’m not around, actually.”
“Are you kidding me? They will not take it well if you go on vacation. You’re their buffer between Asa. They love you. They’re always Duke this and Duke that. I’m pretty sure the big one with the neck tattoo has a man crush like whoa on you. I don’t blame him.”
“I don’t even know where you get half the stuff you say.” He kissed the back of her neck.
“I’m gifted. We already talked about that. Remember?” Her voice was sleepy, relaxed. The night before, she’d been a little brittle, but just then she was warm and soft next to him and everything was really okay.
“I remember,” he murmured as he closed his eyes and breathed her in.
“We’ll go to celebrate the grand opening. Besides, the road will be less crowded in the fall.”
On the one hand, he wanted to get her out of town for a while right then. To pick her up, sling her over his shoulder, and run away.
On the other hand, she’d agreed to a trip they couldn’t take for another three or four weeks. Which meant she saw them together then. That was a good sign.
“I guess you have a point. It’s Bumbershoot this weekend. We’re still on for it, right?”
Bumbershoot was the annual end-of-summer live music and arts festival held on the sprawling grounds of Seattle Center. Every type of music imaginable from buskers playing handmade instruments to top-name acts headlining each night.
He and his friends would go all three days and get their fill of music and beer. And this time he would have Carmella along. He smiled in the dark.
“Yes. I can’t wait. I also can’t believe Twisted Steel actually closes Saturday for it. And you give employee-discounted three-day passes. Thanks for that, by the way.”
“Well, it’s Labor Day weekend anyway. Not like we’re out a lot of money.” And people worked twice as hard for you when you treated them well. “We go in with a lot of other shops and buy in bulk to get the discount and some advertising too. It’s all good and really the only time I can eat a hot dog in Seattle without everyone making faces at me or trying to put tuna or ranch dressing on them. Who does that? It’s like the Wild West out here with that shit.”
She started to giggle and soon enough gales of laughter shook her. When she finally settled down, he cleared his throat. “Glad I could amuse you.”
“It’s just that you’re so calm and collected and it’s hot dogs with ranch dressing that you get truly worked up over. Your mind is a scary and wondrous place. I promise to never hot dog shame you. Or put tuna on yours.”
“You got a deal.”
“Can we toast marshmallows? When we go to the coast?” she asked.
“Definitely. Who watches the dog when you go away? Maybe we should drive instead so we can bring her with us.”
“You’re so sweet. I mean, one minute you can be knocking a guy out and the next you’re making me feel better and thinking about my dog. She likes to stay with Craig or my aunt and uncle if I have to be away. But thank you. I feel like I’m bringing you drama and you’re bringing me wonderful. It’s not really a fair exchange.”
He snorted. “Carmella, you bring me a lot. So much happy. This other stuff is stupid. But it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you that your mother is awful. Or that before me, you had shit taste in men.”
“She’s not awful, she’s just … ugh. She just doesn’t know how to love anyone that isn’t him. And to be honest, I see the way she loves him and I don’t want that either. The obsession that turns greedy and selfish. She lives through him and nothing else matters. But she’s not enough for him. And she knows it.”
“But if she stays, isn’t she saying she accepts being not enough? Like living half an existence?” Duke couldn’t imagine accepting that shadow of a life.
“I think she believes she’s not good enough. So she puts all her energy into trying to be better. For him. He’s passive-aggressive. I blame him more than her. I’ve been told that’s unfair.”
“Do you think that’s unfair?” Duke asked.
“Life is unfair. She’s messed up and was before he came into the picture. I’m not kidding myself about who she is. She had a good family. She had roots and she just never grew into them. Her roots are shallow. My grandmother once told me my mother was an African violet. She could only thrive in a very rare set of circumstances. Chances were my mom would never achieve them, so it made her quit at an early age. Like she looked at her life and said, ew, too hard, and just lay down to take a nap.
“But he knows she’s all screwed up and he gets off on it. He should stay away, he knows it. But he comes back because no one makes him feel like she does because she’s all about whatever he needs. It’s toxic but he uses it to get what he wants, and for that, I judge him harsher, yes. She’s mentally ill and he’s just fine manipulating it. Enough. I just need to stop thinking about that for the rest of the night. It’s my horrible underbelly all the time. You tell me something about your life,” Carmella said.
“I was thinking,” Duke said as he settled in next to her in bed later that night. “I haven’t taken off more than two days in a row for anything other than work trips in a few years. Want to go out to the coast on the bike? We can stay a few days. What do you say?”
“Yeah. That would be nice. After the grand opening, though.” She wriggled her ass back into the cradle of his hips.
“We can do it before. It’s not like I’m building it. I’m paying someone to do that part. They prefer it when I’m not around, actually.”
“Are you kidding me? They will not take it well if you go on vacation. You’re their buffer between Asa. They love you. They’re always Duke this and Duke that. I’m pretty sure the big one with the neck tattoo has a man crush like whoa on you. I don’t blame him.”
“I don’t even know where you get half the stuff you say.” He kissed the back of her neck.
“I’m gifted. We already talked about that. Remember?” Her voice was sleepy, relaxed. The night before, she’d been a little brittle, but just then she was warm and soft next to him and everything was really okay.
“I remember,” he murmured as he closed his eyes and breathed her in.
“We’ll go to celebrate the grand opening. Besides, the road will be less crowded in the fall.”
On the one hand, he wanted to get her out of town for a while right then. To pick her up, sling her over his shoulder, and run away.
On the other hand, she’d agreed to a trip they couldn’t take for another three or four weeks. Which meant she saw them together then. That was a good sign.
“I guess you have a point. It’s Bumbershoot this weekend. We’re still on for it, right?”
Bumbershoot was the annual end-of-summer live music and arts festival held on the sprawling grounds of Seattle Center. Every type of music imaginable from buskers playing handmade instruments to top-name acts headlining each night.
He and his friends would go all three days and get their fill of music and beer. And this time he would have Carmella along. He smiled in the dark.
“Yes. I can’t wait. I also can’t believe Twisted Steel actually closes Saturday for it. And you give employee-discounted three-day passes. Thanks for that, by the way.”
“Well, it’s Labor Day weekend anyway. Not like we’re out a lot of money.” And people worked twice as hard for you when you treated them well. “We go in with a lot of other shops and buy in bulk to get the discount and some advertising too. It’s all good and really the only time I can eat a hot dog in Seattle without everyone making faces at me or trying to put tuna or ranch dressing on them. Who does that? It’s like the Wild West out here with that shit.”
She started to giggle and soon enough gales of laughter shook her. When she finally settled down, he cleared his throat. “Glad I could amuse you.”
“It’s just that you’re so calm and collected and it’s hot dogs with ranch dressing that you get truly worked up over. Your mind is a scary and wondrous place. I promise to never hot dog shame you. Or put tuna on yours.”
“You got a deal.”
“Can we toast marshmallows? When we go to the coast?” she asked.
“Definitely. Who watches the dog when you go away? Maybe we should drive instead so we can bring her with us.”
“You’re so sweet. I mean, one minute you can be knocking a guy out and the next you’re making me feel better and thinking about my dog. She likes to stay with Craig or my aunt and uncle if I have to be away. But thank you. I feel like I’m bringing you drama and you’re bringing me wonderful. It’s not really a fair exchange.”
He snorted. “Carmella, you bring me a lot. So much happy. This other stuff is stupid. But it’s not your fault. I don’t blame you that your mother is awful. Or that before me, you had shit taste in men.”
“She’s not awful, she’s just … ugh. She just doesn’t know how to love anyone that isn’t him. And to be honest, I see the way she loves him and I don’t want that either. The obsession that turns greedy and selfish. She lives through him and nothing else matters. But she’s not enough for him. And she knows it.”
“But if she stays, isn’t she saying she accepts being not enough? Like living half an existence?” Duke couldn’t imagine accepting that shadow of a life.
“I think she believes she’s not good enough. So she puts all her energy into trying to be better. For him. He’s passive-aggressive. I blame him more than her. I’ve been told that’s unfair.”
“Do you think that’s unfair?” Duke asked.
“Life is unfair. She’s messed up and was before he came into the picture. I’m not kidding myself about who she is. She had a good family. She had roots and she just never grew into them. Her roots are shallow. My grandmother once told me my mother was an African violet. She could only thrive in a very rare set of circumstances. Chances were my mom would never achieve them, so it made her quit at an early age. Like she looked at her life and said, ew, too hard, and just lay down to take a nap.
“But he knows she’s all screwed up and he gets off on it. He should stay away, he knows it. But he comes back because no one makes him feel like she does because she’s all about whatever he needs. It’s toxic but he uses it to get what he wants, and for that, I judge him harsher, yes. She’s mentally ill and he’s just fine manipulating it. Enough. I just need to stop thinking about that for the rest of the night. It’s my horrible underbelly all the time. You tell me something about your life,” Carmella said.
