Fear Me
Page 124
My heart skipped at the sight of him. It had only been a week but the worry and the fact that I missed him made it seem so much longer. I picked up my pace to get to him before he could disappear again and just as I got in the circle, Chloe Newman, one of the cheerleaders, threw herself into his arms and worse…he caught her.
I stood there and watched them. Pain rooted me to the spot as I died inside. But when I saw his hands grope her ass I forgot about the pain and let my rage take over. Before I knew it my hands were in her hair and she was being yanked to the ground. The crowd erupted in chaos as I got on top of her and reared back my fist. Oh you better believe I was going for her perfect little nose but my fist never connected with her face. My hand was caught and I was yanked up and into a hard chest.
“What are you doing, Lake?” Keiran asked; his voice neutral. He sounded bored.
“What am I doing? What are you doing?” I screamed and ripped myself away from him I didn’t care that I may have looked and sounded like a banshee. What is he doing to me? “You disappear for days and the first time I see you, I find you with your hands all over the nearest skank?” Said skank had already run off with her posse of skanks.
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“The hell it isn’t, asshole.”
The familiar burning look in his eyes returned and that vein in his temple begin to throb again. “Let’s go.” He walked off, assuming I would follow. I did. I followed him to one of the empty classrooms they used to store extra desks.
“Where have you been?” I asked when he stared at me with a black look in his eyes. I haven’t seen him this way in such a long time that I nearly forgot about the ferociousness of it.
He released an aggravated breath. “Look, I’m sorry I disappeared. How are you?”
“Pissed and I don’t know…maybe hurt? Where were you?”
“I had to figure shit out.”
“But how could you just leave Keenan alone like that?”
“He isn’t safe as long as my father is out there and he has John.”
“But he needs you too, you’re his bro –”
“Don’t,” he bit out. “Don’t say that.” The pain in his voice was unmistakable. I could only imagine how Keenan must have felt finding out the way he did. Keiran, however, didn’t appear surprised that night.
“Did you know all this time?”
“Yes.”
“How?” I asked incredulously.
“I saw her picture on Keenan’s nightstand the day John brought me home. He said she was his mother.” He swallowed and took a deep breath but didn’t continue.
“What did they make you do?” I didn’t feel the need to elaborate. There was only one thing standing between us. He watched me intently but I wasn’t about to back down again.
“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.” His tone was desolate and I wondered what he meant by that. “I made my first kill for them when I was six.”
“How? You were so young.”
“It’s amazing what you’re willing to do when you’re starving and don’t know a way out. They used anything they could to control us. Before long I stopped noticing the hunger pains or thirst and the scars healed before I ever knew they were even there.”
There were so many questions swimming in my head but I didn’t want to interrupt. His gaze was distant and his entire body was so still.
“They started me off small. First it was other kids they wanted to punish until I made my way up to adults. After two years of murdering I became one of their best. I was a fucking eight-year old kid. I stopped thinking and I stopped feeling. It kept me alive.”
“That isn’t living,” I argued.
“How would you know?” he asked with anger and I realized that he was right. I wouldn’t know – I was judging. It wasn’t like he had a choice.
“I’m sorry.” He nodded and continued.
“She came in the middle of the night like a bad fucking dream—just like you except you were much more real. I spent weeks ignoring her while they beat her endlessly. She was so small and so innocent. I thought she was weak when she wouldn’t do what she was told. One day I guess the hunger overrode her fear because one of the runners caught her digging in the trash for food and beat her. He beat her so bad that day that I finally did something I shouldn’t have.”
“What did you do?” I asked while fighting back tears for the picture he painted of the young, helpless child.
“I stopped him from caving her head with the heel of his boot as if she was nothing. Two years of work went down the drain because of one wrong move. I still didn’t regret it, at least not at first. She clung to me after that and looked to me as her protector. Everyday I took her beatings and mine and often I was too weak to make any kills so they became crueler. I began to hate her after a while. I blamed her for making me weak again when all she wanted me to do was care about her. I didn’t want to so I don’t know why I helped her. I just did.”
He moved to sit in one of the desks and held his fists clenched out in front of him. “What happened to her?”
“One day after a run they told me I had a job to do, one that would cost me my life if I didn’t do it. What they didn’t know was that I didn’t care if I lived or died but I accepted anyway. They took me to a room that I’d never seen before. Lily was there, waiting. She was naked and crying and I saw the bruises and gashes all over body.”
I stood there and watched them. Pain rooted me to the spot as I died inside. But when I saw his hands grope her ass I forgot about the pain and let my rage take over. Before I knew it my hands were in her hair and she was being yanked to the ground. The crowd erupted in chaos as I got on top of her and reared back my fist. Oh you better believe I was going for her perfect little nose but my fist never connected with her face. My hand was caught and I was yanked up and into a hard chest.
“What are you doing, Lake?” Keiran asked; his voice neutral. He sounded bored.
“What am I doing? What are you doing?” I screamed and ripped myself away from him I didn’t care that I may have looked and sounded like a banshee. What is he doing to me? “You disappear for days and the first time I see you, I find you with your hands all over the nearest skank?” Said skank had already run off with her posse of skanks.
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“The hell it isn’t, asshole.”
The familiar burning look in his eyes returned and that vein in his temple begin to throb again. “Let’s go.” He walked off, assuming I would follow. I did. I followed him to one of the empty classrooms they used to store extra desks.
“Where have you been?” I asked when he stared at me with a black look in his eyes. I haven’t seen him this way in such a long time that I nearly forgot about the ferociousness of it.
He released an aggravated breath. “Look, I’m sorry I disappeared. How are you?”
“Pissed and I don’t know…maybe hurt? Where were you?”
“I had to figure shit out.”
“But how could you just leave Keenan alone like that?”
“He isn’t safe as long as my father is out there and he has John.”
“But he needs you too, you’re his bro –”
“Don’t,” he bit out. “Don’t say that.” The pain in his voice was unmistakable. I could only imagine how Keenan must have felt finding out the way he did. Keiran, however, didn’t appear surprised that night.
“Did you know all this time?”
“Yes.”
“How?” I asked incredulously.
“I saw her picture on Keenan’s nightstand the day John brought me home. He said she was his mother.” He swallowed and took a deep breath but didn’t continue.
“What did they make you do?” I didn’t feel the need to elaborate. There was only one thing standing between us. He watched me intently but I wasn’t about to back down again.
“I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, anyway.” His tone was desolate and I wondered what he meant by that. “I made my first kill for them when I was six.”
“How? You were so young.”
“It’s amazing what you’re willing to do when you’re starving and don’t know a way out. They used anything they could to control us. Before long I stopped noticing the hunger pains or thirst and the scars healed before I ever knew they were even there.”
There were so many questions swimming in my head but I didn’t want to interrupt. His gaze was distant and his entire body was so still.
“They started me off small. First it was other kids they wanted to punish until I made my way up to adults. After two years of murdering I became one of their best. I was a fucking eight-year old kid. I stopped thinking and I stopped feeling. It kept me alive.”
“That isn’t living,” I argued.
“How would you know?” he asked with anger and I realized that he was right. I wouldn’t know – I was judging. It wasn’t like he had a choice.
“I’m sorry.” He nodded and continued.
“She came in the middle of the night like a bad fucking dream—just like you except you were much more real. I spent weeks ignoring her while they beat her endlessly. She was so small and so innocent. I thought she was weak when she wouldn’t do what she was told. One day I guess the hunger overrode her fear because one of the runners caught her digging in the trash for food and beat her. He beat her so bad that day that I finally did something I shouldn’t have.”
“What did you do?” I asked while fighting back tears for the picture he painted of the young, helpless child.
“I stopped him from caving her head with the heel of his boot as if she was nothing. Two years of work went down the drain because of one wrong move. I still didn’t regret it, at least not at first. She clung to me after that and looked to me as her protector. Everyday I took her beatings and mine and often I was too weak to make any kills so they became crueler. I began to hate her after a while. I blamed her for making me weak again when all she wanted me to do was care about her. I didn’t want to so I don’t know why I helped her. I just did.”
He moved to sit in one of the desks and held his fists clenched out in front of him. “What happened to her?”
“One day after a run they told me I had a job to do, one that would cost me my life if I didn’t do it. What they didn’t know was that I didn’t care if I lived or died but I accepted anyway. They took me to a room that I’d never seen before. Lily was there, waiting. She was naked and crying and I saw the bruises and gashes all over body.”
