Fear Us
Page 85
“A good friend of mine reminded me that I wasn’t fulfilling my promises. I realized that every promise I made, since I walked away from you four years ago, involved you. Even the promise I had made to my father before he died.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you and Kennedy and the very permanent fact that the two of you still own me .”
My head swam with the possibilities of what he could mean. “I don’t speak in riddles, Keenan. Why are you here?”
He ran his hands through his already spiky hair and blew out a breath. “I’m here because I want to beg… if you’ll let me.”
He seemed at a loss for words so I asked, “What do you want to beg for?”
“For you and my kid.”
I took a step back, letting my hand slide from his tight grip. Surprisingly, he let me go although he flinched from the loss of contact. “Are you actually asking for another chance?”
“No.”
“Oh…”
“I’m asking for you to save my life because with every breath in my body, I love you. I’ll love you until my last. Without you, I am no longer someone with a reason to live.”
“I’d like to believe that, but I can’t. You have a problem that I can’t overlook anymore. I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying that one day you’ll find the woman who is not only worth betraying me for, but is also worth breaking my heart forever.”
His eyes became desperate and frustration lined his features.
“I was filling a void created by my parents. I was invisible before you. I was unwanted and unloved. I lived that way until I found a way to fill it, even if they were only temporary fixes. I was an addict but not in the way that you think. I craved the attention and the intimacy I never had and was too stupid to realize the gift you gave me was far more precious. I wasn’t worthy of you, but you filled the void. And then, somehow, this image of my mother walking away from me forever became you. I was scared, Shelly. I was terrified that you would one day realize I was unworthy and leave so I found a way to fight the insecurity while holding on to you. It made me feel like I was in control, and that no matter what, someone would want me.”
“So I was replaceable.”
“No!” he shouted and I glanced nervously toward the kitchen. He lowered his voice and said, “Not replaceable. You were unobtainable.”
“But you had me.”
“I had my mother once too, and then I lost her.”
“So what makes you think it will be better now?”
“Because I realize my mother and father made their choices, but their choices didn’t have to reflect mine. I’m not afraid to love you anymore.”
“You didn’t even love me enough to fight for me. Instead, you ran away the first time I hurt you when I forgave you each time you broke my heart. I risked everything to be with you—my self-respect, my sanity, and my heart—and now you’re asking me to risk it all again?”
“If the risk means my surrender, then this…” He kneeled and my heart ricocheted around my chest. “This, Shelly, is me surrendering to you.”
“I, uh… what?”
“Princess,” he shouted. “Could you come here, please?”
Tiny footsteps sounded, but I was still frozen to the spot to react. “Keenan!” Kennedy ran into sight and launched herself into Keenan’s arms.
“I missed you,” he whispered to her.
She clung to his neck until he sat her on his knee. “Baby girl, I have a confession to make that you may not understand, but I need to do it anyway. Are you listening?”
She nodded and he cleared his throat.
“Four years ago, I hurt your mother really bad in more ways than one.” Kennedy seemed to understand because her face fell, but she continued to listen.
“I thought I could protect her from a really bad lady by doing something that I knew would break her heart. I took the chance to keep her father from taking her away from me because the bad lady knew we were naughty kids.”
He grinned at the last, and I cleared my throat.
“Anyway, the bad lady video recorded us with her phone when we did a naughty thing at school and threatened to show her father along with the whole world if I didn’t do what she wanted. She also threatened to fail her if I said no and failing meant your mother would have to go somewhere far away from me to finish school. I made a deal with the devil, and although I saved your mother from the bad lady, I lost her, too. I was selfish, Princess, and I took your mother for granted, but if you can forgive me, I promise to spend the rest of my life never taking her for granted again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you and Kennedy and the very permanent fact that the two of you still own me .”
My head swam with the possibilities of what he could mean. “I don’t speak in riddles, Keenan. Why are you here?”
He ran his hands through his already spiky hair and blew out a breath. “I’m here because I want to beg… if you’ll let me.”
He seemed at a loss for words so I asked, “What do you want to beg for?”
“For you and my kid.”
I took a step back, letting my hand slide from his tight grip. Surprisingly, he let me go although he flinched from the loss of contact. “Are you actually asking for another chance?”
“No.”
“Oh…”
“I’m asking for you to save my life because with every breath in my body, I love you. I’ll love you until my last. Without you, I am no longer someone with a reason to live.”
“I’d like to believe that, but I can’t. You have a problem that I can’t overlook anymore. I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying that one day you’ll find the woman who is not only worth betraying me for, but is also worth breaking my heart forever.”
His eyes became desperate and frustration lined his features.
“I was filling a void created by my parents. I was invisible before you. I was unwanted and unloved. I lived that way until I found a way to fill it, even if they were only temporary fixes. I was an addict but not in the way that you think. I craved the attention and the intimacy I never had and was too stupid to realize the gift you gave me was far more precious. I wasn’t worthy of you, but you filled the void. And then, somehow, this image of my mother walking away from me forever became you. I was scared, Shelly. I was terrified that you would one day realize I was unworthy and leave so I found a way to fight the insecurity while holding on to you. It made me feel like I was in control, and that no matter what, someone would want me.”
“So I was replaceable.”
“No!” he shouted and I glanced nervously toward the kitchen. He lowered his voice and said, “Not replaceable. You were unobtainable.”
“But you had me.”
“I had my mother once too, and then I lost her.”
“So what makes you think it will be better now?”
“Because I realize my mother and father made their choices, but their choices didn’t have to reflect mine. I’m not afraid to love you anymore.”
“You didn’t even love me enough to fight for me. Instead, you ran away the first time I hurt you when I forgave you each time you broke my heart. I risked everything to be with you—my self-respect, my sanity, and my heart—and now you’re asking me to risk it all again?”
“If the risk means my surrender, then this…” He kneeled and my heart ricocheted around my chest. “This, Shelly, is me surrendering to you.”
“I, uh… what?”
“Princess,” he shouted. “Could you come here, please?”
Tiny footsteps sounded, but I was still frozen to the spot to react. “Keenan!” Kennedy ran into sight and launched herself into Keenan’s arms.
“I missed you,” he whispered to her.
She clung to his neck until he sat her on his knee. “Baby girl, I have a confession to make that you may not understand, but I need to do it anyway. Are you listening?”
She nodded and he cleared his throat.
“Four years ago, I hurt your mother really bad in more ways than one.” Kennedy seemed to understand because her face fell, but she continued to listen.
“I thought I could protect her from a really bad lady by doing something that I knew would break her heart. I took the chance to keep her father from taking her away from me because the bad lady knew we were naughty kids.”
He grinned at the last, and I cleared my throat.
“Anyway, the bad lady video recorded us with her phone when we did a naughty thing at school and threatened to show her father along with the whole world if I didn’t do what she wanted. She also threatened to fail her if I said no and failing meant your mother would have to go somewhere far away from me to finish school. I made a deal with the devil, and although I saved your mother from the bad lady, I lost her, too. I was selfish, Princess, and I took your mother for granted, but if you can forgive me, I promise to spend the rest of my life never taking her for granted again.”
