Fear You
Page 47
I felt some of the familiar anger from before rear its ugly head. The teacher’s lecture faded into the background until I could no longer hear him at all. I developed tunnel vision. Blood rushed to my head. All I could see was her. She could still make me feel that black part of me. The self-loathing, the violence, the hatred… the pain.
I didn’t even begin to fucking understand.
All I knew was that I blamed her.
Her innocence was the key.
Lily was the catalyst.
My mission for the past ten years, and especially these last five months, had been to break her. Make her tick. To see how long before she became just like the rest of the world.
I wanted to see her save herself. Damn her aunt and best friend just so she could be free from me.
It’s what I had to do. I had to sell my soul for a warm blanket and maybe even more than scraps to eat. And if I performed really well, I could even forego my daily whipping.
“It keeps you tough,” Frank would always say. To him, a beating would make my skin tougher so I could kill easier. The night I took Monroe’s virginity, she told me she’d grown a thick skin because of my torments. I don’t know why it made me so angry. If she hadn’t have said so, I might have stopped. I might have checked my anger in time to merely scare her and leave.
Monroe was right. I am sick.
The realization didn’t make me want to stop or quell the need to control her. It never would.
I did, however, realize this couldn’t go on forever. My fingertips dug into the table. In just a few months, we would be graduating and she would be gone forever.
The gut-wrenching part of it all was I had no way in hell of stopping her.
By the end of the period, I was in a foul mood and everyone was a target. I had to get away fast. When the final bell rung, signaling the end of the school day, I was out of there. There were only two things that could bring me down from the black cloud my mind now floated in, but one of them was no longer an option.
I headed out to my car where I stored my gym bag. The parking lot filled fast with my overly eager peers. Sometimes I envied their normal lives and normal teenage problems. How many of them could say they were in the process of taking down a slave ring?
Maybe that was why I was so worked up.
Yeah…
It had absolutely nothing to do with never seeing Monroe again.
I made it to the empty gym without delay and headed to the locker rooms. The team had already left school early to play another team tonight. Dash took over the team in my absence and given my recent jail time, I was no longer on the team. The decision of whether or not I would be allowed back on was still up in the air. With everything I had going on, I was a little relieved to have one less responsibility on my plate. For now. Basketball was something I relied on to keep me from reverting back to the person Arthur and his trainers tried to make of me.
After I had changed, I ran drills and made shots until my arms were sore. I kept going despite the ache in my limbs and the fatigue that slowly started to set in. I needed to work off all the pent up aggression I was feeling. It was working until I heard her.
“Can I play?” The softly worded questioned stopped me mid-dribble.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, taking the shot without looking back.
“I came to find you.”
“Are you in danger?”
“Not at the moment.”
“Do you need to be fucked?”
“Keiran—”
“I’ll take that as a no, which means there is no reason for you to be here.”
“Why are you so pissy today? It’s perfectly okay for you to invade my space, but I’m not allowed?”
“Damn it, Monroe. I’m not doing this today.” I dropped the ball and let it bounce away while I headed to the bleachers where I kept my gym bag and bottles of water.
“You’re a walking, talking contradiction, and just a little bit of a tease, do you know that?”
I could hear the smile in her voice. She approached me cautiously as if I were a ticking time bomb. I guess she was more perceptive than what I gave her credit. Monroe could be incredibly naive at times.
“What do you need?”
“You seemed upset when you left class.”
I blinked twice and mulled her statement over in my head. “Are you actually asking if I’m okay?” I didn’t bother to hide the disbelief from my voice.
“Yes, I guess so…” She looked as confused as I felt, and surprisingly, I felt myself relax but not much.
“I’m fine, okay?”
She cocked her head to the side and studied me. Despite the way I was treating her, she didn’t appear angry, merely curious. “Why don’t I believe you?”
I exhaled a harsh breath and felt my fists clench. “What do you want from me?”
“Answers.”
I turned away because I didn’t want to look into her eyes. It was my turn to feel like a cornered animal.
“I think we need to talk, don’t you?”
“Why are you chasing me?”
“Why are you running?” she countered. This time there was a little snap in her voice.
“You think I need to run from you?” I spun on my heel and stalked up to her until my chest was pressed against hers. I clenched my fists to keep from touching her. If I got my hands on her, I wouldn’t stop until I fully consumed her.
“I think you’re running from something.”
“What’s your deal?” My lip curled as my ire grew. I could feel myself transitioning back into Keiran the tormentor. The one who hid in the shadows waiting to pounce and attack just to see her cry. “Less than a month ago, you turned me into the police for murder, and now you’re standing in front of me wanting to figure me out?”
I didn’t even begin to fucking understand.
All I knew was that I blamed her.
Her innocence was the key.
Lily was the catalyst.
My mission for the past ten years, and especially these last five months, had been to break her. Make her tick. To see how long before she became just like the rest of the world.
I wanted to see her save herself. Damn her aunt and best friend just so she could be free from me.
It’s what I had to do. I had to sell my soul for a warm blanket and maybe even more than scraps to eat. And if I performed really well, I could even forego my daily whipping.
“It keeps you tough,” Frank would always say. To him, a beating would make my skin tougher so I could kill easier. The night I took Monroe’s virginity, she told me she’d grown a thick skin because of my torments. I don’t know why it made me so angry. If she hadn’t have said so, I might have stopped. I might have checked my anger in time to merely scare her and leave.
Monroe was right. I am sick.
The realization didn’t make me want to stop or quell the need to control her. It never would.
I did, however, realize this couldn’t go on forever. My fingertips dug into the table. In just a few months, we would be graduating and she would be gone forever.
The gut-wrenching part of it all was I had no way in hell of stopping her.
By the end of the period, I was in a foul mood and everyone was a target. I had to get away fast. When the final bell rung, signaling the end of the school day, I was out of there. There were only two things that could bring me down from the black cloud my mind now floated in, but one of them was no longer an option.
I headed out to my car where I stored my gym bag. The parking lot filled fast with my overly eager peers. Sometimes I envied their normal lives and normal teenage problems. How many of them could say they were in the process of taking down a slave ring?
Maybe that was why I was so worked up.
Yeah…
It had absolutely nothing to do with never seeing Monroe again.
I made it to the empty gym without delay and headed to the locker rooms. The team had already left school early to play another team tonight. Dash took over the team in my absence and given my recent jail time, I was no longer on the team. The decision of whether or not I would be allowed back on was still up in the air. With everything I had going on, I was a little relieved to have one less responsibility on my plate. For now. Basketball was something I relied on to keep me from reverting back to the person Arthur and his trainers tried to make of me.
After I had changed, I ran drills and made shots until my arms were sore. I kept going despite the ache in my limbs and the fatigue that slowly started to set in. I needed to work off all the pent up aggression I was feeling. It was working until I heard her.
“Can I play?” The softly worded questioned stopped me mid-dribble.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, taking the shot without looking back.
“I came to find you.”
“Are you in danger?”
“Not at the moment.”
“Do you need to be fucked?”
“Keiran—”
“I’ll take that as a no, which means there is no reason for you to be here.”
“Why are you so pissy today? It’s perfectly okay for you to invade my space, but I’m not allowed?”
“Damn it, Monroe. I’m not doing this today.” I dropped the ball and let it bounce away while I headed to the bleachers where I kept my gym bag and bottles of water.
“You’re a walking, talking contradiction, and just a little bit of a tease, do you know that?”
I could hear the smile in her voice. She approached me cautiously as if I were a ticking time bomb. I guess she was more perceptive than what I gave her credit. Monroe could be incredibly naive at times.
“What do you need?”
“You seemed upset when you left class.”
I blinked twice and mulled her statement over in my head. “Are you actually asking if I’m okay?” I didn’t bother to hide the disbelief from my voice.
“Yes, I guess so…” She looked as confused as I felt, and surprisingly, I felt myself relax but not much.
“I’m fine, okay?”
She cocked her head to the side and studied me. Despite the way I was treating her, she didn’t appear angry, merely curious. “Why don’t I believe you?”
I exhaled a harsh breath and felt my fists clench. “What do you want from me?”
“Answers.”
I turned away because I didn’t want to look into her eyes. It was my turn to feel like a cornered animal.
“I think we need to talk, don’t you?”
“Why are you chasing me?”
“Why are you running?” she countered. This time there was a little snap in her voice.
“You think I need to run from you?” I spun on my heel and stalked up to her until my chest was pressed against hers. I clenched my fists to keep from touching her. If I got my hands on her, I wouldn’t stop until I fully consumed her.
“I think you’re running from something.”
“What’s your deal?” My lip curled as my ire grew. I could feel myself transitioning back into Keiran the tormentor. The one who hid in the shadows waiting to pounce and attack just to see her cry. “Less than a month ago, you turned me into the police for murder, and now you’re standing in front of me wanting to figure me out?”
