Fear
Page 51
She could hear voices, but she didn’t understand them or want to.
She could feel the lift and fall of the boat when Orc moved, or when another drifting boat jostled theirs.
It was in this state that Diana heard the voice. It was a voice at once new and familiar. It resonated up from her belly.
She knew it was a dream. At this point the baby—even if it was a little advanced for its age—didn’t have a functioning brain, let alone the power to formulate words and thoughts and sentences.
Baby was warm....
Baby was in the dark....
Baby was safe....
A dream, a pleasant fantasy invented by her subconscious. She smiled.
What are you? her dreaming mind asked.
Baby…
No, silly, I mean are you a boy or a girl?
Diana felt confusion coming from the dreamed baby. Well, of course, that would make sense. After all, this was a dream, and this conversation was a fantasy, with both voices coming from her own subconscious, and since she didn’t know the—
He wants me....
Diana’s hazy dream suddenly filled with storm clouds. The smile was gone. Her jaw muscles clenched.
He whispers to me....
Who? Who whispers to you?
My father…
Diana’s heart skipped beats, then thudded hard to make it up.
Do you mean Caine?
My father says I must come to him....
I asked you a question: do you mean Caine?
“Do you mean Caine?” Diana was awake. Her skin was goose pimpled. “Do you mean Caine?”
She was breathing hard. Drops of sweat stood on her forehead. She felt clammy all over.
Other kids were staring at her. She could see white eyes in the almost pitch-black.
She had been shouting.
“I had a dream,” she whispered. Then, “Sorry. Go back to sleep.”
She couldn’t look at them. She couldn’t have them looking at her.
“Do you mean Caine?” Diana whispered.
No voice answered. But it didn’t matter. Diana had felt the answer. Had known the answer all along.
No…”
Diana pulled her ratty blanket around her and went up on deck. She needed fresh air as an antidote to her overactive imagination. Probably hormones were to blame. Her body was all weird now.
She saw Orc. He sat with his back to her. His few remaining human characteristics were invisible from this angle. But there was still something human in the slump of his massive gravel shoulders. His head hung so low it was barely a bump.
“Aren’t you cold out here?” Diana asked. Stupid question. She wasn’t even sure Orc could feel cold.
Orc didn’t answer. Diana took a few steps closer. “I’m sorry about Howard,” she said. She searched for something kind to say about that thief and drug dealer. It took too long, so she said nothing.
Diana wondered if Orc had been drinking. Orc drunk could be dangerous. But when he spoke at last his words were clearly enunciated. “I looked in the book and didn’t find nothing.”
“The book?”
“It don’t say blessed are the weaselly little guys.”
Oh, that book. She had nothing to say and now she was regretting starting things with Orc. Her cot was suddenly seeming attractive. And she had to pee.
“Howard was … unique, I guess,” she said, wondering what she meant even as she spoke the words.
“He liked me,” Orc said. “Took care of me.”
Yeah, Diana thought, made sure you stayed drunk. Used you. But she kept that to herself.
As if Orc had read her thoughts he said, “Not saying he wasn’t a bad person a lot of times. But so am I. We all do bad stuff. Me worse than most.” Diana flashed on memories of her own. Things she’d done and now couldn’t bear to think about. “Well, maybe like people say, he’s in a better place.”
That sounded stupid to her. But wasn’t that what people said? Anyway, where exactly was a place worse than this? Howard had been choked to death and then had the flesh gnawed from his bones.
“I worry because maybe he’s in hell,” Orc said. The words sounded tortured.
Diana cursed softly, under her breath. How had she gotten herself into this? Really: had to pee. “Orc, God is supposed to be forgiving, right? So probably he forgave Howard. I mean, that’s his job, right? Forgiving?”
“If you do bad stuff and don’t repent, you go to hell,” Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation.
“Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard’s in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough.” She turned to go.
“He liked me,” Orc said.
“I’m sure he did,” Diana snapped, wearying of the conversation. “You’re a big, lovable teddy bear, Orc.” Plus a thug and a murderer, she added silently.
“I don’t want to start up drinking again,” Orc said.
“Then don’t,” Diana said.
“But I ain’t ever killed anyone sober.”
Diana had run out of time. She raced down the stairs, found the pot they were all sharing, squatted, and sighed with relief.
The boat rocked wildly. One of the kids yelled a sleepy, “Hey!”
Diana went back up on deck and saw that Orc was gone. The small rowboat that had been tied to one of the boat’s cleats was thirty yards away, moving swiftly toward shore, driven by superhumanly powerful thrusts of the oars.
Caine was still asleep. Penny wasn’t sure how long it would take him to wake up. But she was in no hurry.
She could feel the lift and fall of the boat when Orc moved, or when another drifting boat jostled theirs.
It was in this state that Diana heard the voice. It was a voice at once new and familiar. It resonated up from her belly.
She knew it was a dream. At this point the baby—even if it was a little advanced for its age—didn’t have a functioning brain, let alone the power to formulate words and thoughts and sentences.
Baby was warm....
Baby was in the dark....
Baby was safe....
A dream, a pleasant fantasy invented by her subconscious. She smiled.
What are you? her dreaming mind asked.
Baby…
No, silly, I mean are you a boy or a girl?
Diana felt confusion coming from the dreamed baby. Well, of course, that would make sense. After all, this was a dream, and this conversation was a fantasy, with both voices coming from her own subconscious, and since she didn’t know the—
He wants me....
Diana’s hazy dream suddenly filled with storm clouds. The smile was gone. Her jaw muscles clenched.
He whispers to me....
Who? Who whispers to you?
My father…
Diana’s heart skipped beats, then thudded hard to make it up.
Do you mean Caine?
My father says I must come to him....
I asked you a question: do you mean Caine?
“Do you mean Caine?” Diana was awake. Her skin was goose pimpled. “Do you mean Caine?”
She was breathing hard. Drops of sweat stood on her forehead. She felt clammy all over.
Other kids were staring at her. She could see white eyes in the almost pitch-black.
She had been shouting.
“I had a dream,” she whispered. Then, “Sorry. Go back to sleep.”
She couldn’t look at them. She couldn’t have them looking at her.
“Do you mean Caine?” Diana whispered.
No voice answered. But it didn’t matter. Diana had felt the answer. Had known the answer all along.
No…”
Diana pulled her ratty blanket around her and went up on deck. She needed fresh air as an antidote to her overactive imagination. Probably hormones were to blame. Her body was all weird now.
She saw Orc. He sat with his back to her. His few remaining human characteristics were invisible from this angle. But there was still something human in the slump of his massive gravel shoulders. His head hung so low it was barely a bump.
“Aren’t you cold out here?” Diana asked. Stupid question. She wasn’t even sure Orc could feel cold.
Orc didn’t answer. Diana took a few steps closer. “I’m sorry about Howard,” she said. She searched for something kind to say about that thief and drug dealer. It took too long, so she said nothing.
Diana wondered if Orc had been drinking. Orc drunk could be dangerous. But when he spoke at last his words were clearly enunciated. “I looked in the book and didn’t find nothing.”
“The book?”
“It don’t say blessed are the weaselly little guys.”
Oh, that book. She had nothing to say and now she was regretting starting things with Orc. Her cot was suddenly seeming attractive. And she had to pee.
“Howard was … unique, I guess,” she said, wondering what she meant even as she spoke the words.
“He liked me,” Orc said. “Took care of me.”
Yeah, Diana thought, made sure you stayed drunk. Used you. But she kept that to herself.
As if Orc had read her thoughts he said, “Not saying he wasn’t a bad person a lot of times. But so am I. We all do bad stuff. Me worse than most.” Diana flashed on memories of her own. Things she’d done and now couldn’t bear to think about. “Well, maybe like people say, he’s in a better place.”
That sounded stupid to her. But wasn’t that what people said? Anyway, where exactly was a place worse than this? Howard had been choked to death and then had the flesh gnawed from his bones.
“I worry because maybe he’s in hell,” Orc said. The words sounded tortured.
Diana cursed softly, under her breath. How had she gotten herself into this? Really: had to pee. “Orc, God is supposed to be forgiving, right? So probably he forgave Howard. I mean, that’s his job, right? Forgiving?”
“If you do bad stuff and don’t repent, you go to hell,” Orc said, like he was begging for a refutation.
“Yeah, well, you know what? If Howard’s in hell, I guess we can all have a big get-together soon enough.” She turned to go.
“He liked me,” Orc said.
“I’m sure he did,” Diana snapped, wearying of the conversation. “You’re a big, lovable teddy bear, Orc.” Plus a thug and a murderer, she added silently.
“I don’t want to start up drinking again,” Orc said.
“Then don’t,” Diana said.
“But I ain’t ever killed anyone sober.”
Diana had run out of time. She raced down the stairs, found the pot they were all sharing, squatted, and sighed with relief.
The boat rocked wildly. One of the kids yelled a sleepy, “Hey!”
Diana went back up on deck and saw that Orc was gone. The small rowboat that had been tied to one of the boat’s cleats was thirty yards away, moving swiftly toward shore, driven by superhumanly powerful thrusts of the oars.
Caine was still asleep. Penny wasn’t sure how long it would take him to wake up. But she was in no hurry.
