Fear
Page 79
Dekka had gotten to her feet. “You would do it, too, wouldn’t you?” She waved her hand angrily and Brianna dropped two feet back to earth.
“Do you ever think about anything besides yourself?” Dekka yelled. To Brianna’s amazement there were tears in Dekka’s eyes. She wiped them away so violently it was like she was slapping herself. She left a smear of blood, like red paint.
“Hey, I’m sorry or whatever,” Brianna said hotly. “What do you want me to say? I hope Jack’s okay. And I’ll kill Drake if I get the chance. What do you want from me?”
Dekka’s face was an ugly mask of emotion, unreadable to Brianna. Aside from it being obvious that Dekka was mad about something.
“Four months and you haven’t even said anything to me,” Dekka said.
“I’ve talked to you,” Brianna said. But she looked away as she said it, suddenly even more uncomfortable. She could deal with anger. Need was something different.
“I told you—” Dekka began before her voice choked off. She took a few seconds to master it. Then, unable to meet Brianna’s eyes, she said, “I thought I was done for. I mean, I don’t scare easy. The pain…” That stopped her again; then she shook her head angrily, like she was pushing through it. “It was bad, that’s all. And I was dying. I should have died. But I didn’t want to die without telling you.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Brianna said, shifting from side to side and just about unable to resist the desire to go tearing off at a hundred miles an hour.
“I told you I loved you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And you said nothing. Nothing. For four months.”
Brianna shrugged. “Look, okay, look.” She swallowed hard. “Look, besides me you’re the bravest, toughest chick in the FAYZ,” Brianna said. “I mean, I always thought we were like sisters, you know? Like badass sisters.”
Dekka’s eyes, so hot and furious, went blank. For a long time she just looked at nothing. At the space beside Brianna. Finally Dekka sighed. “Like sisters.”
“Yeah, but like rocking-the-tough-chick-thing sisters.”
“But … you don’t…”
This was a Dekka Brianna wasn’t prepared for. She looked smaller. She looked like a big rag doll with half the stuffing gone. Darkness was coming on fast now. Shadows were deeper, and the shadows were just shadows of other shadows.
Dekka squared her shoulders. Seemed to be arguing with herself. Finally: “You’re not gay. You don’t like girls.”
Brianna frowned. “I don’t think so.”
“Do you like boys?” Dekka asked, her voice strained.
Brianna shrugged. Every part of this made her uncomfortable. “I don’t know, jeez. I made out with Jack a couple of times. But that’s because I was bored.”
“Bored.”
“Yeah. And it didn’t help that much.”
“You’re not in love with Jack?”
Brianna barked out a surprised laugh. “Jack? Computer Jack? I mean, I like him okay. He’s nice. I mean, he’s sweet. And if I’m reading a book I don’t understand he can always explain stuff. He’s smart. But he’s not—” And there she stopped herself.
To Brianna’s surprise that drew an incredulous laugh from Dekka. “This is you, isn’t it? The real you.”
Brianna squinted. What kind of question was that?
“All this time…” Dekka didn’t finish the thought. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“What?”
Dekka balled her fists up. “I swear to God I’m going to kill you if you keep playing dumb!”
“I like boys, okay? I think. I guess. Probably. I mean, I’m just thirteen! Jeez! I know it’s the FAYZ and all, but I’m really just … a kid.”
Brianna blushed. Why had she said that? She wasn’t a kid. She was the Breeze. She was the most dangerous person … okay, third most dangerous person … not a kid, though. Not like a little kid.
Well, she was fast, but she couldn’t snatch words back. Jack probably dying. The light going out. Maybe it was just okay to say stuff.
A sharp intake of breath from Dekka. “You are, aren’t you?” Dekka said softly. “I forget.” She repeated it sadly. “I forget.”
“I mean, it’s like, you know, I have a crush on Sam or whatever, like every other girl—well, except you, I guess—but it’s not like that. It’s like … you know…” She tapered off lamely. Then added, “I just like being The Breeze. Capital ‘T,’ capital ‘B.’”
All the anger was gone from Dekka. “I forget, Brianna. I mean, I see you do stuff that’s so crazy brave.... And I see how Sam depends on you. How everyone does. And I see you run into a fight with Drake and, wow, I mean, I look at you and you’re, like, everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend. And I forget you’re still just a kid.”
“I’m not that young,” Brianna said, now really wishing she could take some of it back.
Dekka sighed a deep, long sigh.
“I mean, maybe in a couple of years,” Brianna said, definitely feeling like she was coming out on the worse end of this conversation.
Dekka laughed. “No, Brianna. No. A crush on Sam? Making out with Jack? Nope. Nope. I was letting my own… I was seeing what I wanted to see. That’s what I was doing. I wasn’t seeing you.”
“Do you ever think about anything besides yourself?” Dekka yelled. To Brianna’s amazement there were tears in Dekka’s eyes. She wiped them away so violently it was like she was slapping herself. She left a smear of blood, like red paint.
“Hey, I’m sorry or whatever,” Brianna said hotly. “What do you want me to say? I hope Jack’s okay. And I’ll kill Drake if I get the chance. What do you want from me?”
Dekka’s face was an ugly mask of emotion, unreadable to Brianna. Aside from it being obvious that Dekka was mad about something.
“Four months and you haven’t even said anything to me,” Dekka said.
“I’ve talked to you,” Brianna said. But she looked away as she said it, suddenly even more uncomfortable. She could deal with anger. Need was something different.
“I told you—” Dekka began before her voice choked off. She took a few seconds to master it. Then, unable to meet Brianna’s eyes, she said, “I thought I was done for. I mean, I don’t scare easy. The pain…” That stopped her again; then she shook her head angrily, like she was pushing through it. “It was bad, that’s all. And I was dying. I should have died. But I didn’t want to die without telling you.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Brianna said, shifting from side to side and just about unable to resist the desire to go tearing off at a hundred miles an hour.
“I told you I loved you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And you said nothing. Nothing. For four months.”
Brianna shrugged. “Look, okay, look.” She swallowed hard. “Look, besides me you’re the bravest, toughest chick in the FAYZ,” Brianna said. “I mean, I always thought we were like sisters, you know? Like badass sisters.”
Dekka’s eyes, so hot and furious, went blank. For a long time she just looked at nothing. At the space beside Brianna. Finally Dekka sighed. “Like sisters.”
“Yeah, but like rocking-the-tough-chick-thing sisters.”
“But … you don’t…”
This was a Dekka Brianna wasn’t prepared for. She looked smaller. She looked like a big rag doll with half the stuffing gone. Darkness was coming on fast now. Shadows were deeper, and the shadows were just shadows of other shadows.
Dekka squared her shoulders. Seemed to be arguing with herself. Finally: “You’re not gay. You don’t like girls.”
Brianna frowned. “I don’t think so.”
“Do you like boys?” Dekka asked, her voice strained.
Brianna shrugged. Every part of this made her uncomfortable. “I don’t know, jeez. I made out with Jack a couple of times. But that’s because I was bored.”
“Bored.”
“Yeah. And it didn’t help that much.”
“You’re not in love with Jack?”
Brianna barked out a surprised laugh. “Jack? Computer Jack? I mean, I like him okay. He’s nice. I mean, he’s sweet. And if I’m reading a book I don’t understand he can always explain stuff. He’s smart. But he’s not—” And there she stopped herself.
To Brianna’s surprise that drew an incredulous laugh from Dekka. “This is you, isn’t it? The real you.”
Brianna squinted. What kind of question was that?
“All this time…” Dekka didn’t finish the thought. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“What?”
Dekka balled her fists up. “I swear to God I’m going to kill you if you keep playing dumb!”
“I like boys, okay? I think. I guess. Probably. I mean, I’m just thirteen! Jeez! I know it’s the FAYZ and all, but I’m really just … a kid.”
Brianna blushed. Why had she said that? She wasn’t a kid. She was the Breeze. She was the most dangerous person … okay, third most dangerous person … not a kid, though. Not like a little kid.
Well, she was fast, but she couldn’t snatch words back. Jack probably dying. The light going out. Maybe it was just okay to say stuff.
A sharp intake of breath from Dekka. “You are, aren’t you?” Dekka said softly. “I forget.” She repeated it sadly. “I forget.”
“I mean, it’s like, you know, I have a crush on Sam or whatever, like every other girl—well, except you, I guess—but it’s not like that. It’s like … you know…” She tapered off lamely. Then added, “I just like being The Breeze. Capital ‘T,’ capital ‘B.’”
All the anger was gone from Dekka. “I forget, Brianna. I mean, I see you do stuff that’s so crazy brave.... And I see how Sam depends on you. How everyone does. And I see you run into a fight with Drake and, wow, I mean, I look at you and you’re, like, everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend. And I forget you’re still just a kid.”
“I’m not that young,” Brianna said, now really wishing she could take some of it back.
Dekka sighed a deep, long sigh.
“I mean, maybe in a couple of years,” Brianna said, definitely feeling like she was coming out on the worse end of this conversation.
Dekka laughed. “No, Brianna. No. A crush on Sam? Making out with Jack? Nope. Nope. I was letting my own… I was seeing what I wanted to see. That’s what I was doing. I wasn’t seeing you.”
