Fearless In Love
Page 48
Matt was right about both her and her brother. Gideon wasn’t a quitter, which meant there were two more families she needed to talk to. But she was suddenly tired of fighting the fear she’d always worked so hard to hold at bay where her brother was concerned. She sighed as heavily as if a plank of rocks were squeezing out all her breath. She’d never felt this close to hopelessness before.
“I know we should keep going, but I’m not ready to look for the rest of them yet.”
“Taking a break can help you see everything more clearly. You’ve more than earned it, Ari. It’s a long drive home, and there’s a place in the mountains between here and the Grapevine where we can stay before we get home to my rambunctious five-year-old.”
And then he closed his arms around her again and held her close to his beating heart.
* * *
Ari was so emotionally wrung out that as soon as they checked in to the hotel, Matt tucked her into bed for a nap and wouldn’t let himself join her so she would actually get the sleep she needed.
Out on the grounds, his hands balled into fists as he thought of Esterhausen’s widow. The woman’s grief had leaked from her pores, permeating the air, making everything tense and achy. Her anger had been agonizing, and allowing her to take it out on Ari had gone against every one of his protective instincts.
But he hadn’t stepped up to protect her, because Ari clearly hadn’t wanted him to. Controlling himself from ripping into the widow the same way she’d ripped into Ari had taken a monumental effort. Despite his fury, he couldn’t slam someone who’d already been beaten by life and loss.
Knowing that Esterhausen had left behind two boys who would now be fourteen and seventeen, he’d already set the wheels in motion to make an anonymous donation to their college funds.
But that still left Gideon Jones, who was as lost to Ari now as he’d been before their road trip.
Matt looked up at the blue sky above, knowing better than to think a silent wish could come true. He made it anyway, praying he could give Ari her heart’s desire and hand over her brother.
The depth of his emotion left him shell-shocked. The last two nights with Ari in his arms had been just this side of heaven. But watching her allow the widow to abuse her today…
He cursed low and long, outside, where only the trees and the wind could hear. He’d wanted so badly to help her, protect her, comfort her. But he’d been helpless in the face of her anguish.
Once upon a time, he’d thought he needed to make it through alone. But the Mavericks had proved they’d be there for him dozens of times over the past decades, just as he was there for them if they ever needed his help.
Plunking down on a bench beside a gorgeous cluster of blue hydrangeas, he pulled out his phone and made a call to Will. Not to check on Noah this time—but because he needed to talk to one of his closest friends. Needed to lay out the whole debacle, from the moment the widow had opened the door, to Ari’s tears, to once again not being able to step up to find her brother.
“Man, that’s tough,” Will sympathized a few minutes later when Matt finally fell silent.
“I wanted to strangle the woman for her cruelty, but I had to remember what she’s been through and that I couldn’t lash out to keep Ari safe.”
“You’re a better man than I am,” Will said. “I would have lashed out first, thought second.” He paused a beat before asking, “How’s Ari doing?”
“She’s getting some rest. She’s wrung out.” It wrung him out too, her pain, the horror and loss, but telling Will helped ease the tension. The Mavericks neither wore their hearts on their sleeves nor talked about women like drunks at a bar, but they were always there for each other. “She’s indomitable. And still convinced I can find her brother, even after this.”
“You guys need a break, man.”
“Agreed.” If Matt could rewind time and live today over, he would have taken Ari home instead of meeting the bitter woman. But even as he thought that, he knew Ari would willingly take any chance to find her brother, no matter how difficult. “I don’t want to tackle the other soldiers’ families until Ari’s over this one.”
“Hell, I’m real sorry about all of it. But I’m glad you’ll be home for Halloween. Noah’s been frantic that you won’t make it to the party.”
“We won’t miss it. And thanks for taking such good care of him.”
“Anytime, you know that. Everything else okay?” Will left a pause as pregnant as a woman screaming her way into the hospital.
“Business is fine.” If he ignored the question Will hadn’t actually asked, maybe it would fade away.
Will let out a low laugh that told Matt things wouldn’t go his way. “I meant with you and Ari.”
“I… We…” Damn it, even to himself, he sounded like a lovesick fool. One who no longer knew which way was up and which was down.
“Look, Matt, don’t worry. I know that whatever happens between you two, you’re the kind of guy who’ll always do the right thing.”
That just made it worse.
When Will hung up, Matt stared unseeing at the phone for a few long moments. His friend had said “you and Ari” as if their getting together was a given. As if it was okay.
But was it?
Could he actually have his beautiful nanny for more than just a few secret days on the road?
All his life, Matt had been careful. He’d learned to control himself, because his father had made him pay whenever he did or said the wrong thing. Only during those early months with Irene had Matt forgotten all his caution. If not for Noah, he never would have forgiven himself for letting down his guard with anyone who wasn’t a Maverick. Once he had a child of his own, he’d needed to be hypervigilant with the precious gift he’d been given. And he’d beaten himself up every time he’d blown it.
But with Ari, he forgot those hard-won lessons again and again. He could never have imagined needing a woman the way he was terrified he needed her.
If it did all go wrong, it wouldn’t be just his son who paid the price by losing his beloved nanny. Matt would lose too.
He’d lose the brightest light he’d ever known.
Chapter Twenty-Three
When Matt returned to their room, he found Ari still sleeping. She’d been as low as he’d ever seen her when they checked in, and even as she slept, uncharacteristic frown lines marked her brow.
“I know we should keep going, but I’m not ready to look for the rest of them yet.”
“Taking a break can help you see everything more clearly. You’ve more than earned it, Ari. It’s a long drive home, and there’s a place in the mountains between here and the Grapevine where we can stay before we get home to my rambunctious five-year-old.”
And then he closed his arms around her again and held her close to his beating heart.
* * *
Ari was so emotionally wrung out that as soon as they checked in to the hotel, Matt tucked her into bed for a nap and wouldn’t let himself join her so she would actually get the sleep she needed.
Out on the grounds, his hands balled into fists as he thought of Esterhausen’s widow. The woman’s grief had leaked from her pores, permeating the air, making everything tense and achy. Her anger had been agonizing, and allowing her to take it out on Ari had gone against every one of his protective instincts.
But he hadn’t stepped up to protect her, because Ari clearly hadn’t wanted him to. Controlling himself from ripping into the widow the same way she’d ripped into Ari had taken a monumental effort. Despite his fury, he couldn’t slam someone who’d already been beaten by life and loss.
Knowing that Esterhausen had left behind two boys who would now be fourteen and seventeen, he’d already set the wheels in motion to make an anonymous donation to their college funds.
But that still left Gideon Jones, who was as lost to Ari now as he’d been before their road trip.
Matt looked up at the blue sky above, knowing better than to think a silent wish could come true. He made it anyway, praying he could give Ari her heart’s desire and hand over her brother.
The depth of his emotion left him shell-shocked. The last two nights with Ari in his arms had been just this side of heaven. But watching her allow the widow to abuse her today…
He cursed low and long, outside, where only the trees and the wind could hear. He’d wanted so badly to help her, protect her, comfort her. But he’d been helpless in the face of her anguish.
Once upon a time, he’d thought he needed to make it through alone. But the Mavericks had proved they’d be there for him dozens of times over the past decades, just as he was there for them if they ever needed his help.
Plunking down on a bench beside a gorgeous cluster of blue hydrangeas, he pulled out his phone and made a call to Will. Not to check on Noah this time—but because he needed to talk to one of his closest friends. Needed to lay out the whole debacle, from the moment the widow had opened the door, to Ari’s tears, to once again not being able to step up to find her brother.
“Man, that’s tough,” Will sympathized a few minutes later when Matt finally fell silent.
“I wanted to strangle the woman for her cruelty, but I had to remember what she’s been through and that I couldn’t lash out to keep Ari safe.”
“You’re a better man than I am,” Will said. “I would have lashed out first, thought second.” He paused a beat before asking, “How’s Ari doing?”
“She’s getting some rest. She’s wrung out.” It wrung him out too, her pain, the horror and loss, but telling Will helped ease the tension. The Mavericks neither wore their hearts on their sleeves nor talked about women like drunks at a bar, but they were always there for each other. “She’s indomitable. And still convinced I can find her brother, even after this.”
“You guys need a break, man.”
“Agreed.” If Matt could rewind time and live today over, he would have taken Ari home instead of meeting the bitter woman. But even as he thought that, he knew Ari would willingly take any chance to find her brother, no matter how difficult. “I don’t want to tackle the other soldiers’ families until Ari’s over this one.”
“Hell, I’m real sorry about all of it. But I’m glad you’ll be home for Halloween. Noah’s been frantic that you won’t make it to the party.”
“We won’t miss it. And thanks for taking such good care of him.”
“Anytime, you know that. Everything else okay?” Will left a pause as pregnant as a woman screaming her way into the hospital.
“Business is fine.” If he ignored the question Will hadn’t actually asked, maybe it would fade away.
Will let out a low laugh that told Matt things wouldn’t go his way. “I meant with you and Ari.”
“I… We…” Damn it, even to himself, he sounded like a lovesick fool. One who no longer knew which way was up and which was down.
“Look, Matt, don’t worry. I know that whatever happens between you two, you’re the kind of guy who’ll always do the right thing.”
That just made it worse.
When Will hung up, Matt stared unseeing at the phone for a few long moments. His friend had said “you and Ari” as if their getting together was a given. As if it was okay.
But was it?
Could he actually have his beautiful nanny for more than just a few secret days on the road?
All his life, Matt had been careful. He’d learned to control himself, because his father had made him pay whenever he did or said the wrong thing. Only during those early months with Irene had Matt forgotten all his caution. If not for Noah, he never would have forgiven himself for letting down his guard with anyone who wasn’t a Maverick. Once he had a child of his own, he’d needed to be hypervigilant with the precious gift he’d been given. And he’d beaten himself up every time he’d blown it.
But with Ari, he forgot those hard-won lessons again and again. He could never have imagined needing a woman the way he was terrified he needed her.
If it did all go wrong, it wouldn’t be just his son who paid the price by losing his beloved nanny. Matt would lose too.
He’d lose the brightest light he’d ever known.
Chapter Twenty-Three
When Matt returned to their room, he found Ari still sleeping. She’d been as low as he’d ever seen her when they checked in, and even as she slept, uncharacteristic frown lines marked her brow.
