Fighting to Be Free
Page 129
A girl? I whimpered as my mind filled in the blanks.
“I realised as I was talking to her that you and I just aren’t going anywhere. I realised that I couldn’t give up everything for you because we just weren’t right together, not really,” he continued. “You obviously don’t know me at all if you could doubt me like that, and I thought I knew you better too.
That’s all there is to it.”
“That’s all there is to it?” I repeated incredulously.
“Yeah, so I guess that’s it. You take care, okay?” he said dismissively.
My mouth dropped open in shock because this was all happening so fast. I never even saw this coming; this was all so quick and out of the blue. One minute we were planning our lives together, and the next he’s telling me it was over? My heart and head just couldn’t process it all.
“Jamie, what the hell? That’s it? Are you kidding me?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I slept with the girl last night. She was good, it made me realise that I wasn’t ready to settle down, especially not with someone who doubts me,” he explained.
He slept with her? Did he seriously just say that? My whole body tightened as hurt radiated through my system. But part of me refused to believe it. Jamie was an incredible person, so sweet and thoughtful; he wouldn’t have cheated, would he? “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t do that, you love me. You didn’t cheat, you’re just trying to hurt me,” I whispered, silently praying that I was right.
But my lack of self-confidence was coming back to haunt me, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him….
He snorted. “Don’t be so big-headed. There’s nothing about you that could hold my attention for that long. You’re nothing special, Ellie. I’m a guy, guys cheat it’s what we’re good at,” he shot back.
I gulped, tears pooled in my eyes making my vision slightly blurry. “Jamie, no,” I whispered. My heart was aching, my chest tightened painfully as my stomach started to tremble because of his rejection.
“Yeah, Ellie. This girl was a blonde little Barbie lookalike who knew how to please a man, not a blushing little girl. I don’t love you enough to give up my life for you, I thought I did but last night and you doubting me just made me think about our relationship. It’s not working and I was fooling myself to think that it was. It’s over.”
My blood seemed to turn to ice in my veins at the finality of his tone. I didn’t know what to say, I opened my mouth to speak but all that came out was a strangled little sob. The two words were on repeat in my head ‘it’s over’. I didn’t want that, I couldn’t lose him I was totally crazy about him, I saw him in my future, actually, I saw him as my future.
“Can’t we talk about it? We won’t go then if you don’t want to; we’ll stay here and work it out if you don’t want to give up your life. I can understand that, just don’t say it’s over, please?” I begged.
“Have some self-respect, Christ! I’ve just told you that slept with someone else last night. I’ve just climbed out of her bed, and you want to work things out?” he hissed angrily.
His words made me flinch. I knew I was being stupid, right now I was behaving like a doormat but I loved him and I wanted to work it out with him. The way I felt when I was with him made me want to forgive him for his indiscretion, to be honest I didn’t even care that much. He was right, I probably wasn’t enough for him but I could try to be. “I love you,” I mumbled, swiping at the tears that were endlessly falling down my face. “I’m…. I’m coming over and we can talk, okay?” I swung my legs over the bed, immediately looking for something I could throw on and go talk to him. I needed to look into his eyes, I needed to hold his hand, smell his smell. I just plain old needed him right now and I couldn’t do this over the phone, I couldn’t beg over the phone, I needed to see him to show him how much I loved him.
“Don’t bother, I’m not there. I stayed at hers and once I hang up the phone I’m going back in there to wake her up so she can do the nasty little thing she did to me last night,” he grunted.
I whimpered and closed my eyes, trying not to think about it as a wave of nausea rolled over me.
“Jamie, I’m sorry I doubted you last night. I’m so sorry about what I thought, I shouldn’t have done that, I should have known better. I promise I’ll never doubt you again, never,” I vowed. My legs wobbled so I sat down on the edge of the bed and covered my wet eyes with my hand, my whole body was trembling as I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered.
“Give me another chance,” I begged. There was silence on the other end of the line and my breath caught in my throat as I waited for his reply. My chin shook as I chewed on my lip, sniffing, trying to regain control of my emotions. “We can work this out if we try hard enough. Maybe we should still go today, just for a couple of weeks and we can work it out and then come back. You don’t have to give up everything for me, but we could go on a vacation and work on us. How about that?
Please?” Maybe once we were away from here, on a beach, fooling around, then I could make him love me enough. “Come to the airport at lunchtime, I’ll meet you there and take your ticket and we can work on us for a couple of weeks.”
“Ellie…” The way he said my name, so soft and tender, just like it used to be said, made my insides squirm. “We wouldn’t have worked anyway, we’re so different, things would have fallen apart eventually. I would have strayed and cheated, just like I did last night. We’re not right for each other at all.”
“I realised as I was talking to her that you and I just aren’t going anywhere. I realised that I couldn’t give up everything for you because we just weren’t right together, not really,” he continued. “You obviously don’t know me at all if you could doubt me like that, and I thought I knew you better too.
That’s all there is to it.”
“That’s all there is to it?” I repeated incredulously.
“Yeah, so I guess that’s it. You take care, okay?” he said dismissively.
My mouth dropped open in shock because this was all happening so fast. I never even saw this coming; this was all so quick and out of the blue. One minute we were planning our lives together, and the next he’s telling me it was over? My heart and head just couldn’t process it all.
“Jamie, what the hell? That’s it? Are you kidding me?” I asked, shaking my head in disbelief.
“I slept with the girl last night. She was good, it made me realise that I wasn’t ready to settle down, especially not with someone who doubts me,” he explained.
He slept with her? Did he seriously just say that? My whole body tightened as hurt radiated through my system. But part of me refused to believe it. Jamie was an incredible person, so sweet and thoughtful; he wouldn’t have cheated, would he? “No you didn’t. You wouldn’t do that, you love me. You didn’t cheat, you’re just trying to hurt me,” I whispered, silently praying that I was right.
But my lack of self-confidence was coming back to haunt me, I always knew I wasn’t good enough for him….
He snorted. “Don’t be so big-headed. There’s nothing about you that could hold my attention for that long. You’re nothing special, Ellie. I’m a guy, guys cheat it’s what we’re good at,” he shot back.
I gulped, tears pooled in my eyes making my vision slightly blurry. “Jamie, no,” I whispered. My heart was aching, my chest tightened painfully as my stomach started to tremble because of his rejection.
“Yeah, Ellie. This girl was a blonde little Barbie lookalike who knew how to please a man, not a blushing little girl. I don’t love you enough to give up my life for you, I thought I did but last night and you doubting me just made me think about our relationship. It’s not working and I was fooling myself to think that it was. It’s over.”
My blood seemed to turn to ice in my veins at the finality of his tone. I didn’t know what to say, I opened my mouth to speak but all that came out was a strangled little sob. The two words were on repeat in my head ‘it’s over’. I didn’t want that, I couldn’t lose him I was totally crazy about him, I saw him in my future, actually, I saw him as my future.
“Can’t we talk about it? We won’t go then if you don’t want to; we’ll stay here and work it out if you don’t want to give up your life. I can understand that, just don’t say it’s over, please?” I begged.
“Have some self-respect, Christ! I’ve just told you that slept with someone else last night. I’ve just climbed out of her bed, and you want to work things out?” he hissed angrily.
His words made me flinch. I knew I was being stupid, right now I was behaving like a doormat but I loved him and I wanted to work it out with him. The way I felt when I was with him made me want to forgive him for his indiscretion, to be honest I didn’t even care that much. He was right, I probably wasn’t enough for him but I could try to be. “I love you,” I mumbled, swiping at the tears that were endlessly falling down my face. “I’m…. I’m coming over and we can talk, okay?” I swung my legs over the bed, immediately looking for something I could throw on and go talk to him. I needed to look into his eyes, I needed to hold his hand, smell his smell. I just plain old needed him right now and I couldn’t do this over the phone, I couldn’t beg over the phone, I needed to see him to show him how much I loved him.
“Don’t bother, I’m not there. I stayed at hers and once I hang up the phone I’m going back in there to wake her up so she can do the nasty little thing she did to me last night,” he grunted.
I whimpered and closed my eyes, trying not to think about it as a wave of nausea rolled over me.
“Jamie, I’m sorry I doubted you last night. I’m so sorry about what I thought, I shouldn’t have done that, I should have known better. I promise I’ll never doubt you again, never,” I vowed. My legs wobbled so I sat down on the edge of the bed and covered my wet eyes with my hand, my whole body was trembling as I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered.
“Give me another chance,” I begged. There was silence on the other end of the line and my breath caught in my throat as I waited for his reply. My chin shook as I chewed on my lip, sniffing, trying to regain control of my emotions. “We can work this out if we try hard enough. Maybe we should still go today, just for a couple of weeks and we can work it out and then come back. You don’t have to give up everything for me, but we could go on a vacation and work on us. How about that?
Please?” Maybe once we were away from here, on a beach, fooling around, then I could make him love me enough. “Come to the airport at lunchtime, I’ll meet you there and take your ticket and we can work on us for a couple of weeks.”
“Ellie…” The way he said my name, so soft and tender, just like it used to be said, made my insides squirm. “We wouldn’t have worked anyway, we’re so different, things would have fallen apart eventually. I would have strayed and cheated, just like I did last night. We’re not right for each other at all.”
