Find You in the Dark
Page 68
I thought back to last night. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I wondered whether I had made the right decision. It had all seemed to make sense in the moment. The fight had been a distant memory. But now in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten. Had I rushed into sex to try and block out how much he had hurt me?
Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the nagging concerns that threatened to ruin my good mood.
I found a clean pair of underwear and put them on and then slipped into my favorite pair of yoga pants and a white cami. I looked outside and was taken aback by all the white stuff.
It had probably snowed five inches last night and it was beautiful. I hoped we could get out of here today, or I would have some major explaining to do to my parents. I cringed even thinking about it.
I heard Clay stirring in the bed and I looked over my shoulder. He blinked his eyes sleepily. “Come back to bed, baby. I'm missing you.” His voice was raspy and I smiled at how amazing he looked first thing in the morning.
I crossed the room slowly, feeling strangely shy with him. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what to do. Things were different now, on so many levels. Clay smiled at me. “I like waking up with you.” He said huskily, watching me with sleepy eyes.
My insides clenched as his fingers inched toward me and gently rubbed along my arm. “What's wrong?” He asked me. I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He seemed more awake and I could see the worry on his face. “Do you regret it?” He asked, the horror evident in his tone.
Did I regret it? His fingers stopped their dance on my skin and I looked at my boyfriend. His love for me was startlingly clear and I could see how much the idea of me regretting our intimacy would crush him.
I couldn't tell him that I was worried that I had simply brushed our bigger problems under the rug. That we weren't really addressing his on going issues. For all of our closeness, there was still so much that he kept from me. Things that I didn't feel comfortable with voicing to him. What did that really say about our relationship?
“Maggie.” He breathed, scooting closer. He laid his arm across my stomach. His face was close to mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I realized I had been silent for quite awhile. But damn if my body didn't start to heat up as his fingers went under my shirt to lay against my bare skin.
Did I regret it? I closed my eyes as he rubbed his nose against my cheek. No. I didn't. Because even with all of our shit, I still loved him. More than I probably should.
“No, Clay. I could never regret being with you.” I told him truthfully. As if taking that as an invitation, Clay rolled on top of me and kissed my chin. I couldn't help but laugh at the sudden change in him. From sad and worried, to delighted and giddy in the span of seconds.
“You were scaring me, love.” He murmured as he nipped at my bottom lip. I ran my hands up his back, enjoying the feel of his flesh beneath my fingers. “You don't ever need to be scared of little ol' me.” I joked as I wrapped my legs around his hips. I was instantly aware of the fact that he was still very naked. And very happy to see me.
Clay pulled back. “You scare me more than anything.” He told me quietly, looking into my eyes in that intense way of his, as though I were the air that he breathed. “If you leave me, I would be destroyed. I don't know that I could come back from that.” His vulnerability broke my heart. How could needing me this much be good for him?
Suddenly, Clay leaned over the side of the bed and started rooting around in his duffel bag. After a few seconds, he righted himself and held his hand firmly fisted before me. He looked a little shy, his hair flopping in his eyes as he looked at me.
“What do you have there?” I teased, trying to pry his fingers apart. Clay smiled endearingly and pulled back, falling onto his side beside me. He leaned up on his elbow, his hand cradling his head as he looked down at me. Slowly, he opened his hand and dropped a silver chain into a shimmery puddle on my stomach.
I sat up and scooped the piece of jewelry into my hand before it got lost in the sheets. It was a necklace. The delicate silver chain fell between my fingers as I held it up. Hanging from it was a beautiful butterfly, made of thin silver and tiny slivers of what looked like diamonds.
It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. My breath stopped as I stared at it. I looked at Clay, who was watching me nervously. “I wanted to give this to you last night. I had planned to, anyway. But then after everything that happened, I just didn't feel like it was the right time.” I swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in my throat.
I didn't say anything, I was too overcome with the depth of emotion I had for the boy laying beside me. Taking my silence as disapproval, Clay continued on quickly. “I've had it for awhile, actually. I had it made for you by this lady Ruby knows who makes her own jewelry.”
His thoughtfulness overwhelmed me. What was it about the butterflies? He had said once that it was because I made him feel free. Wanting more of an answer, I asked him.
“I was this sad and lonely creature before you came along. And then, just being with you, knowing you love me, has transformed me. My entire life has become this metamorphosis into something beautiful, something happy. I told you before that you've freed me. You've reminded me of what it means to believe and hope.”
Tears gathered in my eyes and threatened to spill. Seeing this, Clay rubbed his thumb beneath my eye, gathering the wetness there. “Don't cry. I'm sorry if it upset you. I just wanted to give you something as beautiful as everything you've given me. I'll take it back. Forget about it.” He said, totally misreading my silence. I could hear the hurt in his voice as he tried to take the necklace from my hand.
Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the nagging concerns that threatened to ruin my good mood.
I found a clean pair of underwear and put them on and then slipped into my favorite pair of yoga pants and a white cami. I looked outside and was taken aback by all the white stuff.
It had probably snowed five inches last night and it was beautiful. I hoped we could get out of here today, or I would have some major explaining to do to my parents. I cringed even thinking about it.
I heard Clay stirring in the bed and I looked over my shoulder. He blinked his eyes sleepily. “Come back to bed, baby. I'm missing you.” His voice was raspy and I smiled at how amazing he looked first thing in the morning.
I crossed the room slowly, feeling strangely shy with him. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what to do. Things were different now, on so many levels. Clay smiled at me. “I like waking up with you.” He said huskily, watching me with sleepy eyes.
My insides clenched as his fingers inched toward me and gently rubbed along my arm. “What's wrong?” He asked me. I rolled my head to the side to look at him. He seemed more awake and I could see the worry on his face. “Do you regret it?” He asked, the horror evident in his tone.
Did I regret it? His fingers stopped their dance on my skin and I looked at my boyfriend. His love for me was startlingly clear and I could see how much the idea of me regretting our intimacy would crush him.
I couldn't tell him that I was worried that I had simply brushed our bigger problems under the rug. That we weren't really addressing his on going issues. For all of our closeness, there was still so much that he kept from me. Things that I didn't feel comfortable with voicing to him. What did that really say about our relationship?
“Maggie.” He breathed, scooting closer. He laid his arm across my stomach. His face was close to mine, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I realized I had been silent for quite awhile. But damn if my body didn't start to heat up as his fingers went under my shirt to lay against my bare skin.
Did I regret it? I closed my eyes as he rubbed his nose against my cheek. No. I didn't. Because even with all of our shit, I still loved him. More than I probably should.
“No, Clay. I could never regret being with you.” I told him truthfully. As if taking that as an invitation, Clay rolled on top of me and kissed my chin. I couldn't help but laugh at the sudden change in him. From sad and worried, to delighted and giddy in the span of seconds.
“You were scaring me, love.” He murmured as he nipped at my bottom lip. I ran my hands up his back, enjoying the feel of his flesh beneath my fingers. “You don't ever need to be scared of little ol' me.” I joked as I wrapped my legs around his hips. I was instantly aware of the fact that he was still very naked. And very happy to see me.
Clay pulled back. “You scare me more than anything.” He told me quietly, looking into my eyes in that intense way of his, as though I were the air that he breathed. “If you leave me, I would be destroyed. I don't know that I could come back from that.” His vulnerability broke my heart. How could needing me this much be good for him?
Suddenly, Clay leaned over the side of the bed and started rooting around in his duffel bag. After a few seconds, he righted himself and held his hand firmly fisted before me. He looked a little shy, his hair flopping in his eyes as he looked at me.
“What do you have there?” I teased, trying to pry his fingers apart. Clay smiled endearingly and pulled back, falling onto his side beside me. He leaned up on his elbow, his hand cradling his head as he looked down at me. Slowly, he opened his hand and dropped a silver chain into a shimmery puddle on my stomach.
I sat up and scooped the piece of jewelry into my hand before it got lost in the sheets. It was a necklace. The delicate silver chain fell between my fingers as I held it up. Hanging from it was a beautiful butterfly, made of thin silver and tiny slivers of what looked like diamonds.
It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. My breath stopped as I stared at it. I looked at Clay, who was watching me nervously. “I wanted to give this to you last night. I had planned to, anyway. But then after everything that happened, I just didn't feel like it was the right time.” I swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in my throat.
I didn't say anything, I was too overcome with the depth of emotion I had for the boy laying beside me. Taking my silence as disapproval, Clay continued on quickly. “I've had it for awhile, actually. I had it made for you by this lady Ruby knows who makes her own jewelry.”
His thoughtfulness overwhelmed me. What was it about the butterflies? He had said once that it was because I made him feel free. Wanting more of an answer, I asked him.
“I was this sad and lonely creature before you came along. And then, just being with you, knowing you love me, has transformed me. My entire life has become this metamorphosis into something beautiful, something happy. I told you before that you've freed me. You've reminded me of what it means to believe and hope.”
Tears gathered in my eyes and threatened to spill. Seeing this, Clay rubbed his thumb beneath my eye, gathering the wetness there. “Don't cry. I'm sorry if it upset you. I just wanted to give you something as beautiful as everything you've given me. I'll take it back. Forget about it.” He said, totally misreading my silence. I could hear the hurt in his voice as he tried to take the necklace from my hand.
