Find You in the Dark
Page 75
“My son is a very sick boy. He has been on a self- destructive path for a long time now. He hurts those around him, lacking regard for anything but his own feelings. His doctors in Florida are very concerned that he will relapse. They've encouraged us to have him readmitted for prolonged inpatient treatment. He is a danger to himself and others.” Her eyes flashed at me as she watched me absorb her words.
They wanted to put him back in the hospital? They can't do that to him! What Clay needed was love and support, not to be shoved inside an institution with no way out. I knew then that I hated this woman, and her complete disregard for Clay and what was truly best for him.
“I haven't seen him being a danger to himself or others Mrs. Reed.” I lied, effortlessly. I couldn't tell her how worried I'd been for Clay, and how I often wondered if he needed more intense help than I was capable of giving him. But she didn’t need to know any of that. She didn't deserve to know. This woman, who had thrown her son away because his issues had become an inconvenience in her life.
Mrs. Reed watched me closely and I swore she saw straight through my lie. “Well that's good.” she said in that fake, syrup-sweet voice of hers. “But to be on the safe side, Clay's father and I will be staying for awhile. We have serious concerns about him. So if you notice anything troublesome about Clay, please let me know so we can can get him the help he so desperately needs.”
I wanted to gag. No, she just wanted to shut Clay away, like an ugly family secret. I saw right through her and she knew that. “No offense, Mrs. Reed, but I don't feel comfortable discussing Clay like this behind his back. He and I are very open and honest with each other.” I started to stand up. I couldn't take sitting here with this woman any longer.
Mrs. Reed's eyes went cold. “Honesty is wonderful. But are you sure he's been entirely truthful with you?” She asked, making it clear she didn’t expect me to answer her. She wanted her words to creep into my brain like a parasite, feeding on any doubt I had about him – about us. She was an evil and manipulative person.
Talk about trying to sabotage Clay's happiness. This woman could give a shit about what was good for her son, that much was painfully clear. Without saying another word, I turned my back on Clay's horrible parents and left.
I looked for Clay in the living room and found Lisa at her computer. She glanced up at me when I walked in. “I think he went up to his room.” She said. I nodded and turned to leave. “Maggie.” She called out. “Please keep an eye on him. I'm worried, with them here. This won't be good for him. If you had seen him when he came to us...” Her words trailed off and I could see how much she truly cared for her girlfriend's nephew. Clay was lucky to have she and Ruby in his court.
“He loves you, and I think he probably listens to you more than anyone else. Ruby and I know how hard things are for him. We've tried to get him to see someone here in town. But he's stubborn. And Ruby and I are hesitant to step on any toes. It's not that we don't care, but the relationship between Clay and his parents and Ruby and her sister is extremely complicated.” She said sadly. Her words shocked me. I had no idea Ruby and Lisa had tried to intervene. Clay always made it out as though they were clueless.
“Clay acted as though you and Ruby didn't know.” I said quietly. Lisa shook her head. “We know, Maggie. We see the cuts and the crazy mood swings. We hear him shattering things up in his room. Ruby is scared for him but she's even more scared to involve his parents. Because they still have full guardianship, Ruby has zero say in any treatment he has, even though he's living here. His father made sure of that.” Lisa spit out in disgust.
“He's tough to be around, we get that. But he has been better since the two of you got together. So just love and support him the best you can. And, if you ever worry about what's going on with him, do not go to them.” Lisa's eyes darted in the direction of the kitchen in frustration. “Come to Ruby or I. We'll try to figure something out.”
I smiled at her, though it didn't reach my eyes. I knew she was trying to be supportive but her words only made me feel cold inside. Because the truth was, his parents seemed to control everything. And, not for the first time, I felt even more alone.
I made my way up to Clay's bedroom. My stomach was in knots. I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the door. I didn't knock, I just walked in.
Clay sat on his bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung down. His right hand was clenched in a tight fist. I sat beside him, hesitant to touch him. “You okay?” I asked, realizing how stupid the question was. Of course he wasn't okay. Nothing about his body language said he was all right. His hands were shaking and he slowly opened his tightened fist. “Here.” He rasped, dropping a razor blade in my hand.
I trembled as I took the small piece of metal and quickly wrapped it in a piece of tissue before putting it in my pocket. I didn't say anything, scared that I would make everything worse for him. “I don't know if I can do this, Maggie. Not with them here. It makes me want to take that f**king razor blade across my skin, just to stop the way I feel in here!” Clay pulled at his tee shirt over his chest. His breath came in rapid pants and I knew he was struggling for control.
I clasped my hands tightly together, trying to stop their shaking. “I can feel myself losing it! I can't hold it together knowing they can show up and walk into my house whenever they want! I wish I could just end all of this shit!” His voice rose in anguish and he started pulling at his hair. Then he started rocking, like he had that first night I found him freaking out after the bonfire. He made a horrible keening noise in the back of his throat. His tenuous hold on sanity was quickly slipping away.
They wanted to put him back in the hospital? They can't do that to him! What Clay needed was love and support, not to be shoved inside an institution with no way out. I knew then that I hated this woman, and her complete disregard for Clay and what was truly best for him.
“I haven't seen him being a danger to himself or others Mrs. Reed.” I lied, effortlessly. I couldn't tell her how worried I'd been for Clay, and how I often wondered if he needed more intense help than I was capable of giving him. But she didn’t need to know any of that. She didn't deserve to know. This woman, who had thrown her son away because his issues had become an inconvenience in her life.
Mrs. Reed watched me closely and I swore she saw straight through my lie. “Well that's good.” she said in that fake, syrup-sweet voice of hers. “But to be on the safe side, Clay's father and I will be staying for awhile. We have serious concerns about him. So if you notice anything troublesome about Clay, please let me know so we can can get him the help he so desperately needs.”
I wanted to gag. No, she just wanted to shut Clay away, like an ugly family secret. I saw right through her and she knew that. “No offense, Mrs. Reed, but I don't feel comfortable discussing Clay like this behind his back. He and I are very open and honest with each other.” I started to stand up. I couldn't take sitting here with this woman any longer.
Mrs. Reed's eyes went cold. “Honesty is wonderful. But are you sure he's been entirely truthful with you?” She asked, making it clear she didn’t expect me to answer her. She wanted her words to creep into my brain like a parasite, feeding on any doubt I had about him – about us. She was an evil and manipulative person.
Talk about trying to sabotage Clay's happiness. This woman could give a shit about what was good for her son, that much was painfully clear. Without saying another word, I turned my back on Clay's horrible parents and left.
I looked for Clay in the living room and found Lisa at her computer. She glanced up at me when I walked in. “I think he went up to his room.” She said. I nodded and turned to leave. “Maggie.” She called out. “Please keep an eye on him. I'm worried, with them here. This won't be good for him. If you had seen him when he came to us...” Her words trailed off and I could see how much she truly cared for her girlfriend's nephew. Clay was lucky to have she and Ruby in his court.
“He loves you, and I think he probably listens to you more than anyone else. Ruby and I know how hard things are for him. We've tried to get him to see someone here in town. But he's stubborn. And Ruby and I are hesitant to step on any toes. It's not that we don't care, but the relationship between Clay and his parents and Ruby and her sister is extremely complicated.” She said sadly. Her words shocked me. I had no idea Ruby and Lisa had tried to intervene. Clay always made it out as though they were clueless.
“Clay acted as though you and Ruby didn't know.” I said quietly. Lisa shook her head. “We know, Maggie. We see the cuts and the crazy mood swings. We hear him shattering things up in his room. Ruby is scared for him but she's even more scared to involve his parents. Because they still have full guardianship, Ruby has zero say in any treatment he has, even though he's living here. His father made sure of that.” Lisa spit out in disgust.
“He's tough to be around, we get that. But he has been better since the two of you got together. So just love and support him the best you can. And, if you ever worry about what's going on with him, do not go to them.” Lisa's eyes darted in the direction of the kitchen in frustration. “Come to Ruby or I. We'll try to figure something out.”
I smiled at her, though it didn't reach my eyes. I knew she was trying to be supportive but her words only made me feel cold inside. Because the truth was, his parents seemed to control everything. And, not for the first time, I felt even more alone.
I made my way up to Clay's bedroom. My stomach was in knots. I wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the door. I didn't knock, I just walked in.
Clay sat on his bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung down. His right hand was clenched in a tight fist. I sat beside him, hesitant to touch him. “You okay?” I asked, realizing how stupid the question was. Of course he wasn't okay. Nothing about his body language said he was all right. His hands were shaking and he slowly opened his tightened fist. “Here.” He rasped, dropping a razor blade in my hand.
I trembled as I took the small piece of metal and quickly wrapped it in a piece of tissue before putting it in my pocket. I didn't say anything, scared that I would make everything worse for him. “I don't know if I can do this, Maggie. Not with them here. It makes me want to take that f**king razor blade across my skin, just to stop the way I feel in here!” Clay pulled at his tee shirt over his chest. His breath came in rapid pants and I knew he was struggling for control.
I clasped my hands tightly together, trying to stop their shaking. “I can feel myself losing it! I can't hold it together knowing they can show up and walk into my house whenever they want! I wish I could just end all of this shit!” His voice rose in anguish and he started pulling at his hair. Then he started rocking, like he had that first night I found him freaking out after the bonfire. He made a horrible keening noise in the back of his throat. His tenuous hold on sanity was quickly slipping away.
