Find You in the Dark
Page 80
I had missed him so much. I literally craved him like I craved caffeine in the morning. But I forced myself to remember the way he had treated me the last time I saw him. I also thought about how he had effectively shut me out when I had wanted nothing more than to help him.
Rachel had said she'd never want a love like that. But did I?
I pulled into the field by the swimming hole and parked beside Clay's BMW. He was already here. Of course he was. I got out of the car and took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing.
I stomped through the tall grass and went into the trees. After a few more minutes, I got to the river. I saw Clay sitting on a rock by the water. He looked up when I arrived and I had to stifle a gasp at his appearance.
He looked horrible. He seemed to have lost weight and his complexion was ashy. Here was a man who had been to hell and back. I didn't know what to say. Everything I had imagined telling him slipped from my mind and I was at a loss.
“Maggie.” He said quietly, getting to his feet. I didn't move toward him. I started to feel the tell tell signs of my weakening and I tried to stay firm. So I didn't go to him, even as I fantasized about throwing myself into his arms. This boy had hurt me. Badly. I had to retain some control. Some, what do you call it? Oh, yeah. Self-respect.
“Hi, Clay.” I said and was proud of how cold my voice sounded. Clay winced at the chilly reception. He put his hand through his hair. It had grown out in the three weeks since I had seen him, the curls brushing his collar.
“You look beautiful.” He said softly, giving me a hint of the smile that I loved. I refrained from straightening my hair like a moron and instead stared cooly back at him. “And you look like shit.” I told him harshly. Wow, that was hateful. The bitch was out in force!
“Direct as always.” He remarked, scratching the side of his neck in nervousness. “What do you want, Clay? Cause I've got to get home soon.” I stated, getting to the point. Clay sighed and started to come toward me. But then, as though he picked up on my need for physical space, he stopped.
“I just needed to see you. I've missed you. So much.” He told me, his eyes meeting mine. “Yeah. Well, you made your feelings on seeing me pretty obvious.” I bit out. I hated the wobble in my voice and worked hard to clamp down on the tears that threatened to well up. Clay scrubbed his hands over his face in agitation. “I was an idiot. I've been a mess without you.”
Then without giving me time to react, he was in front of me, a breath away from touching. He reached out to caress my cheek and I flinched backwards. Clay dropped his hand as though it were on fire. I saw the hurt flash across his face and I wanted to scream at him.
He had no right to feel hurt! He was the one that had rejected me! “Clay, you pushed me away. I tried to be there for you, but you wouldn't let me! I can't go on feeling like I don't know if I'm coming or going! Stop screwing with my head!” I couldn't stop myself from pleading.
Clay closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were bright with unshed tears. Shit. Clay's tears were my kryptonite! I needed to get out of there and fast or I'd never stay strong enough to resist him. “I never meant to screw with your head, Maggie! You are the only thing that has ever kept me grounded. I was a complete and total ass. My parents came to town and it threw me. I started backsliding into my old destructive patterns. I was terrified of having you see me like that, so I pushed you away.”
He stopped and took a deep breath. I stood perfectly still, not wanting to move away but too scared to go to him. “I was so, so wrong. I've been in the worst kind of hell these last three weeks. I need you so much! I can't survive without you! Please, Maggie! Please tell me you'll give me another chance!” He implored, finally taking my hand and putting it to his cheek. He closed his eyes again at the touch of my skin against his. As though, that was all he needed to be okay.
God, I wish that were true.
“You destroyed me, Clay. I've been miserable without you.” I admitted quietly. Clay opened his eyes and I saw the hope there. “But, Clay. I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of worrying about you. Of going to sleep scared that you will do something to yourself. You're killing me.” The words wrung out of me and I could feel my exhaustion.
Clay pulled me closer until our chests were touching and I had to look up to see him. He reached down and pushed the bangs off of my face. I melted as his fingers glided over my skin. “I will never hurt you like that. As long as we're together, I have something to fight for.” He whispered.
I wanted to yell at him that he had hurt me like that a million times already. That he hadn't fought for us, or himself, despite the fact that I gave him all the love that I had. But he made me weak. I hated myself for not being able to verbalize the thoughts and doubts that swam through my head. Why couldn't I just say how I felt? Why did I allow myself to get sucked under by him time and time again?
“I love you. You are my life.” He placed my hand over his heart. I could feel it beating erratically beneath my palm. “Feel that? It's yours. For now and always!” He said emphatically before wrapping his arms around me.
He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder as we held each other. “I love you.” He whispered again before burying his face into my neck. I let him hold me for awhile before I pulled away. He looked at me with confusion as I stepped back, trying to give myself some space.
“Clay. I love you too...” I started but he cut me off. “And that's all that matters! We love each other! That's all we need!” He seemed so sure. But then again, he always had. But this time, I wasn't. “No, Clay. That's not all we need. You need help!” I told him.
Rachel had said she'd never want a love like that. But did I?
I pulled into the field by the swimming hole and parked beside Clay's BMW. He was already here. Of course he was. I got out of the car and took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing.
I stomped through the tall grass and went into the trees. After a few more minutes, I got to the river. I saw Clay sitting on a rock by the water. He looked up when I arrived and I had to stifle a gasp at his appearance.
He looked horrible. He seemed to have lost weight and his complexion was ashy. Here was a man who had been to hell and back. I didn't know what to say. Everything I had imagined telling him slipped from my mind and I was at a loss.
“Maggie.” He said quietly, getting to his feet. I didn't move toward him. I started to feel the tell tell signs of my weakening and I tried to stay firm. So I didn't go to him, even as I fantasized about throwing myself into his arms. This boy had hurt me. Badly. I had to retain some control. Some, what do you call it? Oh, yeah. Self-respect.
“Hi, Clay.” I said and was proud of how cold my voice sounded. Clay winced at the chilly reception. He put his hand through his hair. It had grown out in the three weeks since I had seen him, the curls brushing his collar.
“You look beautiful.” He said softly, giving me a hint of the smile that I loved. I refrained from straightening my hair like a moron and instead stared cooly back at him. “And you look like shit.” I told him harshly. Wow, that was hateful. The bitch was out in force!
“Direct as always.” He remarked, scratching the side of his neck in nervousness. “What do you want, Clay? Cause I've got to get home soon.” I stated, getting to the point. Clay sighed and started to come toward me. But then, as though he picked up on my need for physical space, he stopped.
“I just needed to see you. I've missed you. So much.” He told me, his eyes meeting mine. “Yeah. Well, you made your feelings on seeing me pretty obvious.” I bit out. I hated the wobble in my voice and worked hard to clamp down on the tears that threatened to well up. Clay scrubbed his hands over his face in agitation. “I was an idiot. I've been a mess without you.”
Then without giving me time to react, he was in front of me, a breath away from touching. He reached out to caress my cheek and I flinched backwards. Clay dropped his hand as though it were on fire. I saw the hurt flash across his face and I wanted to scream at him.
He had no right to feel hurt! He was the one that had rejected me! “Clay, you pushed me away. I tried to be there for you, but you wouldn't let me! I can't go on feeling like I don't know if I'm coming or going! Stop screwing with my head!” I couldn't stop myself from pleading.
Clay closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were bright with unshed tears. Shit. Clay's tears were my kryptonite! I needed to get out of there and fast or I'd never stay strong enough to resist him. “I never meant to screw with your head, Maggie! You are the only thing that has ever kept me grounded. I was a complete and total ass. My parents came to town and it threw me. I started backsliding into my old destructive patterns. I was terrified of having you see me like that, so I pushed you away.”
He stopped and took a deep breath. I stood perfectly still, not wanting to move away but too scared to go to him. “I was so, so wrong. I've been in the worst kind of hell these last three weeks. I need you so much! I can't survive without you! Please, Maggie! Please tell me you'll give me another chance!” He implored, finally taking my hand and putting it to his cheek. He closed his eyes again at the touch of my skin against his. As though, that was all he needed to be okay.
God, I wish that were true.
“You destroyed me, Clay. I've been miserable without you.” I admitted quietly. Clay opened his eyes and I saw the hope there. “But, Clay. I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of worrying about you. Of going to sleep scared that you will do something to yourself. You're killing me.” The words wrung out of me and I could feel my exhaustion.
Clay pulled me closer until our chests were touching and I had to look up to see him. He reached down and pushed the bangs off of my face. I melted as his fingers glided over my skin. “I will never hurt you like that. As long as we're together, I have something to fight for.” He whispered.
I wanted to yell at him that he had hurt me like that a million times already. That he hadn't fought for us, or himself, despite the fact that I gave him all the love that I had. But he made me weak. I hated myself for not being able to verbalize the thoughts and doubts that swam through my head. Why couldn't I just say how I felt? Why did I allow myself to get sucked under by him time and time again?
“I love you. You are my life.” He placed my hand over his heart. I could feel it beating erratically beneath my palm. “Feel that? It's yours. For now and always!” He said emphatically before wrapping his arms around me.
He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder as we held each other. “I love you.” He whispered again before burying his face into my neck. I let him hold me for awhile before I pulled away. He looked at me with confusion as I stepped back, trying to give myself some space.
“Clay. I love you too...” I started but he cut me off. “And that's all that matters! We love each other! That's all we need!” He seemed so sure. But then again, he always had. But this time, I wasn't. “No, Clay. That's not all we need. You need help!” I told him.
