Find You in the Dark
Page 92
“God, no mom. Clay would never hurt me! What have Clay's parents told you?” I asked coldly. “That Clay has a history of violent and suicidal behaviors. His mother said he needs to be back in treatment but he refuses to go. Then she told us that he....that he tried to stab them.” I blew out a breath. “It wasn't like that, Mom. Please don't believe everything they tell you.” I urged.
“So you're saying there's nothing to these stories they told us? That they're making everything up?” My mother asked in disbelief. Here was the moment of truth. Do I lie, like I've been doing for months? Or do I finally come clean?
I was silent for awhile, prompting my mother to say my name again. “Maggie? What is it?” She asked. I felt the tears slide down my cheeks and suddenly I was sobbing. I cried and cried until there was nothing left. And then I told my mom everything. Every last bit of Clay's story. This was the second time in as many days that I had shared what was going on. And it felt good to do so. I had been holding onto this stuff for too long and I couldn't shoulder it alone any longer.
“My god, Maggie May. Why in the world didn't you say something?” She asked, her voice quiet and hurting. I sighed after I had calmed down. “You would have just told me to stay away from him. I know how you feel about Clay. You haven't tried to hide it. And he needed me. I couldn't turn my back on him like everyone else had. I love him!” I struggled to keep my voice down, not wanting to wake Clay.
My mom was quiet for awhile. “You're right. We would have judged him. I would have told you to never talk to him again. And that's wrong. I'm sorry.” My mom's words surprised me. “You're sorry?” I asked, needing clarification.
“Yes, Maggie. Because maybe if your father and I hadn't been so narrow minded, you would have felt you could talk to us. Because we know Clay isn't a bad kid. But he needs help. And we'd like to help you both. If you'll let us.”
She said exactly what I needed to hear. I wanted my parents. I needed their help to figure out what to do for Clay. “I want to come home too. I'm worried about him. But what about his parents? The charges? I can't walk him back into all that.” I argued. I looked back at the motel door, making sure I was still alone.
My mom sighed again. “I know sweetie. I don't know what will happen. But I do know, being on your own, trying to deal with all of this by yourself, is not the way to handle it. Clay needs help, serious help. I'm scared for you. And him. I know you love him, but there's no way out of this but coming home and facing things. And I swear, darling, your father and I will help you both in any way that we can.”
My mom had officially broken through all of my arguments. And I was tired of fighting them and everything else. My heart hurt to think of what would become of Clay. But what would happen if we stayed on the run? And he continued to fade away. What would happen to him then? Or me? It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. But one thing was for sure, I needed my family. Maybe more than I needed Clay at that moment. Because I was in way over my head and I was scared to death of making the wrong choice.
“Okay Mom. I know you're right. Clay needs help. I'll get him home. One way or another. I'll let you know when we're on our way.” I said. I heard my mom's relief. “Oh thank God! Please be careful! And call us!” I told her that I loved her and hung up.
“I'm not going back there!” Clay growled from behind me. I whipped around, to see him standing in the doorway. How much had he heard? How did I not hear him open the door?
He looked livid. “How could you do this to me? I trusted you!” He yelled at me, the betrayal on his face stinging me. “Clay, please. Just listen!” I begged. Clay's eyes flashed at me and I saw how hurt he was underneath the anger.
“After everything I've told you. You know what they'll do to me if I go back. And you're trying to hand me over like a goddamn birthday present! They'll lock me up! I thought you loved me! What a f**king lie!” His voice became dangerously quiet.
I tried to reach for him but he yanked his arm away. “I do love you, Clay! I'm just so worried about you! I just think you need help...” Clay's bitter laugh cut me off. “Help? Help?” His voice rose. “You don't know a damn thing about what I need! You're just as bad as them. No, actually you're worse, because at least my parents never pretended to love me. I knew what I was getting with them.” My mouth gaped open, not being able to believe the hatefulness spewing from my boyfriend's mouth.
Clay gripped his hair in his hands as though he were going to pull it out. It was clear something in him had snapped. That I pushed him over the edge. “But you! I thought I was safe with you! But you were just biding your time weren't you, Maggie? Until you could get rid of me, just like the rest of them. Well, I hope you're happy, because you're about to get your f**king wish!” Clay bellowed at me, making me flinch. He was being completely irrational. How could he possibly believe the things he was saying to me? Hadn't I proven over and over again how willing I was to sacrifice just about anything for him? If I wasn't so scared for him, I'd probably be seriously pissed off.
I didn't respond, choosing to silently let him vent his crap at me. When he wasn't getting the reaction he obviously wanted, he turned away from me. I tried grabbing him again but he threw my hands off of him with enough force to cause me to fall on my butt. The pain in my backside was instantaneous and took my breath away. “Clay!” I gasped.
“So you're saying there's nothing to these stories they told us? That they're making everything up?” My mother asked in disbelief. Here was the moment of truth. Do I lie, like I've been doing for months? Or do I finally come clean?
I was silent for awhile, prompting my mother to say my name again. “Maggie? What is it?” She asked. I felt the tears slide down my cheeks and suddenly I was sobbing. I cried and cried until there was nothing left. And then I told my mom everything. Every last bit of Clay's story. This was the second time in as many days that I had shared what was going on. And it felt good to do so. I had been holding onto this stuff for too long and I couldn't shoulder it alone any longer.
“My god, Maggie May. Why in the world didn't you say something?” She asked, her voice quiet and hurting. I sighed after I had calmed down. “You would have just told me to stay away from him. I know how you feel about Clay. You haven't tried to hide it. And he needed me. I couldn't turn my back on him like everyone else had. I love him!” I struggled to keep my voice down, not wanting to wake Clay.
My mom was quiet for awhile. “You're right. We would have judged him. I would have told you to never talk to him again. And that's wrong. I'm sorry.” My mom's words surprised me. “You're sorry?” I asked, needing clarification.
“Yes, Maggie. Because maybe if your father and I hadn't been so narrow minded, you would have felt you could talk to us. Because we know Clay isn't a bad kid. But he needs help. And we'd like to help you both. If you'll let us.”
She said exactly what I needed to hear. I wanted my parents. I needed their help to figure out what to do for Clay. “I want to come home too. I'm worried about him. But what about his parents? The charges? I can't walk him back into all that.” I argued. I looked back at the motel door, making sure I was still alone.
My mom sighed again. “I know sweetie. I don't know what will happen. But I do know, being on your own, trying to deal with all of this by yourself, is not the way to handle it. Clay needs help, serious help. I'm scared for you. And him. I know you love him, but there's no way out of this but coming home and facing things. And I swear, darling, your father and I will help you both in any way that we can.”
My mom had officially broken through all of my arguments. And I was tired of fighting them and everything else. My heart hurt to think of what would become of Clay. But what would happen if we stayed on the run? And he continued to fade away. What would happen to him then? Or me? It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. But one thing was for sure, I needed my family. Maybe more than I needed Clay at that moment. Because I was in way over my head and I was scared to death of making the wrong choice.
“Okay Mom. I know you're right. Clay needs help. I'll get him home. One way or another. I'll let you know when we're on our way.” I said. I heard my mom's relief. “Oh thank God! Please be careful! And call us!” I told her that I loved her and hung up.
“I'm not going back there!” Clay growled from behind me. I whipped around, to see him standing in the doorway. How much had he heard? How did I not hear him open the door?
He looked livid. “How could you do this to me? I trusted you!” He yelled at me, the betrayal on his face stinging me. “Clay, please. Just listen!” I begged. Clay's eyes flashed at me and I saw how hurt he was underneath the anger.
“After everything I've told you. You know what they'll do to me if I go back. And you're trying to hand me over like a goddamn birthday present! They'll lock me up! I thought you loved me! What a f**king lie!” His voice became dangerously quiet.
I tried to reach for him but he yanked his arm away. “I do love you, Clay! I'm just so worried about you! I just think you need help...” Clay's bitter laugh cut me off. “Help? Help?” His voice rose. “You don't know a damn thing about what I need! You're just as bad as them. No, actually you're worse, because at least my parents never pretended to love me. I knew what I was getting with them.” My mouth gaped open, not being able to believe the hatefulness spewing from my boyfriend's mouth.
Clay gripped his hair in his hands as though he were going to pull it out. It was clear something in him had snapped. That I pushed him over the edge. “But you! I thought I was safe with you! But you were just biding your time weren't you, Maggie? Until you could get rid of me, just like the rest of them. Well, I hope you're happy, because you're about to get your f**king wish!” Clay bellowed at me, making me flinch. He was being completely irrational. How could he possibly believe the things he was saying to me? Hadn't I proven over and over again how willing I was to sacrifice just about anything for him? If I wasn't so scared for him, I'd probably be seriously pissed off.
I didn't respond, choosing to silently let him vent his crap at me. When he wasn't getting the reaction he obviously wanted, he turned away from me. I tried grabbing him again but he threw my hands off of him with enough force to cause me to fall on my butt. The pain in my backside was instantaneous and took my breath away. “Clay!” I gasped.
