Find You in the Dark
Page 99
Her well-intentioned encouragement made me snap and I flushed with anger. “Well, I can't do that okay. I love Clay and it wouldn't be right. So just drop it please.” I told them shortly. I didn't miss the look that passed between the two. And the subject was dropped.
Daniel and Rachel didn't stay much longer and sadly, I was relieved when they left. Trying to put on my happy face was proving difficult today. Not when I was just waiting to read Clay's letter.
Finally, after dinner, I excused myself and went to my room. My parents didn't question it, as this had become my normal routine. I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed. I slowly pulled out the crumpled letter from my pocket and held it, feeling its warmth from being tucked against me all day.
I inspected the envelope and saw that there was no return address. That seemed to speak pretty loudly that whatever Clayton Reed had to say to me required no response. I couldn't help but feel equal parts angry and hurt by that.
Tearing open the envelope, I carefully unfolded the paper. My name jumped out at me. I noticed the indentations where Clay had pressed his pen down hard. I could almost feel his anxiety. His fear. His grief. Undoubtedly because that was exactly how I was feeling. I closed my eyes, bracing myself and gearing up my nerve. Then I began to read. His love for me immediately lept up from the page. I was almost crippled with the intense relief. I realized then how scared I had been that he would stop loving me. That he would go on and live his life and forget all about me. But I guess I should have given him more credit than that.
Maggie,
I'm not sure I should be writing this. I feel like it's incredibly selfish of me to need to write these words and to need you to read them – to need you to know they are true. As if I am more entitled to these feelings than you are. But I'm not. Your thoughts, the way you feel, every single thing about you, means everything to me.
I guess that's why I'm writing. There isn't a second of every day that passes that I don't think about you. You are everywhere. I can still smell your hair, hear you cursing me when I drive too fast, and feel your breath as I fall asleep.
It hurts to remember you. But it scares me to try and forget. I remember you telling me that my love for you shouldn't hurt, that it should be something wonderful. And it is. It is the most wonderful thing I've ever had. But the truth is, it does hurt. My love for you destroyed everything around us and almost destroyed you, and I hate myself for that.
You deserve so much more than me. You always have. I hope you do find what you deserve one day. Someone who can love you selflessly and unconditionally without baggage and strings. Someone who doesn't let you leave your family behind. Someone you don't have to follow into hell.
I am a selfish person, Mags. Because I still love you and I know that I will until I die. And even as I tell you to move on with your life and live it - to find someone else, I pray you don't. Because I can't handle the thought of anyone else holding you, anyone else touching you, anyone else experiencing your love the way I did.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to tell you here. I can see the frown on your face as you're reading this and hear you telling me to spit it out and get on with it. (I smiled through my tear-filled eyes at that comment. Clay knew me too well).
I suppose what I'm really trying to say is thank you. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful and amazing months of my life. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. Thank you for giving me hope and light, even if it was only for a little while. And I want to tell you again, I'm sorry. I should have been stronger and let you lean on me, instead of forcing you to shoulder the burden for both of us.
I realize my love for you crippled both of us.
But your love saved me.
Which is why this has to be goodbye. I can't stomach the thought of you waiting for me, for a person that I may never be. I'm trying to get better. But it's a hard and bitter road and I don't know when, or even if, I will ever be completely okay.
I want you to move on. To live your life, even if it rips me apart to not live it with you. I can't even give you the hope that there is a maybe at the end of all this. Because I would hate to kill that hope again.
Just know that you are and always will be my world. You found me in the dark and saved me from myself. You have shown me the type of person I want to be and I strive to be him. For you and for me.
I will love you forever.
Always,
Clay
Wow. I dropped the letter at my feet and made no effort to wipe the tears that streamed down my face. Whatever I had been expecting, that wasn't it.
Damn Clay Reed and his stupid back and forth crap! How perfectly typical of him. Telling me how much he loved me and in the next breath pushing me away. He had effectively shut me out of his life. Again. He wanted me to move on. To live my life. He told me not to wait for him, that he wouldn't be coming back to me.
I found it hard to breathe as I faced the finality of his words. We were over. There was no more us. I couldn't help but feel anger and betrayal at how he gave up. How he just let go of all that we had.
I picked the letter up from the floor and balled it in my fist, planning to throw it away. But I stopped myself. I placed the paper on my desk and smoothed it out. I couldn't get rid of it. It was my last link to him, and I needed that.
So I put it in the very bottom of my desk drawer. I didn't want to see it again, but I couldn't let go of it either. I couldn’t read his goodbye, but I had to know that it was still there. That his love was a real thing. That I hadn't imagined it.
Daniel and Rachel didn't stay much longer and sadly, I was relieved when they left. Trying to put on my happy face was proving difficult today. Not when I was just waiting to read Clay's letter.
Finally, after dinner, I excused myself and went to my room. My parents didn't question it, as this had become my normal routine. I closed the door behind me and sat on my bed. I slowly pulled out the crumpled letter from my pocket and held it, feeling its warmth from being tucked against me all day.
I inspected the envelope and saw that there was no return address. That seemed to speak pretty loudly that whatever Clayton Reed had to say to me required no response. I couldn't help but feel equal parts angry and hurt by that.
Tearing open the envelope, I carefully unfolded the paper. My name jumped out at me. I noticed the indentations where Clay had pressed his pen down hard. I could almost feel his anxiety. His fear. His grief. Undoubtedly because that was exactly how I was feeling. I closed my eyes, bracing myself and gearing up my nerve. Then I began to read. His love for me immediately lept up from the page. I was almost crippled with the intense relief. I realized then how scared I had been that he would stop loving me. That he would go on and live his life and forget all about me. But I guess I should have given him more credit than that.
Maggie,
I'm not sure I should be writing this. I feel like it's incredibly selfish of me to need to write these words and to need you to read them – to need you to know they are true. As if I am more entitled to these feelings than you are. But I'm not. Your thoughts, the way you feel, every single thing about you, means everything to me.
I guess that's why I'm writing. There isn't a second of every day that passes that I don't think about you. You are everywhere. I can still smell your hair, hear you cursing me when I drive too fast, and feel your breath as I fall asleep.
It hurts to remember you. But it scares me to try and forget. I remember you telling me that my love for you shouldn't hurt, that it should be something wonderful. And it is. It is the most wonderful thing I've ever had. But the truth is, it does hurt. My love for you destroyed everything around us and almost destroyed you, and I hate myself for that.
You deserve so much more than me. You always have. I hope you do find what you deserve one day. Someone who can love you selflessly and unconditionally without baggage and strings. Someone who doesn't let you leave your family behind. Someone you don't have to follow into hell.
I am a selfish person, Mags. Because I still love you and I know that I will until I die. And even as I tell you to move on with your life and live it - to find someone else, I pray you don't. Because I can't handle the thought of anyone else holding you, anyone else touching you, anyone else experiencing your love the way I did.
I don't know exactly what I'm trying to tell you here. I can see the frown on your face as you're reading this and hear you telling me to spit it out and get on with it. (I smiled through my tear-filled eyes at that comment. Clay knew me too well).
I suppose what I'm really trying to say is thank you. Thank you for giving me the most beautiful and amazing months of my life. Thank you for loving me in spite of me. Thank you for giving me hope and light, even if it was only for a little while. And I want to tell you again, I'm sorry. I should have been stronger and let you lean on me, instead of forcing you to shoulder the burden for both of us.
I realize my love for you crippled both of us.
But your love saved me.
Which is why this has to be goodbye. I can't stomach the thought of you waiting for me, for a person that I may never be. I'm trying to get better. But it's a hard and bitter road and I don't know when, or even if, I will ever be completely okay.
I want you to move on. To live your life, even if it rips me apart to not live it with you. I can't even give you the hope that there is a maybe at the end of all this. Because I would hate to kill that hope again.
Just know that you are and always will be my world. You found me in the dark and saved me from myself. You have shown me the type of person I want to be and I strive to be him. For you and for me.
I will love you forever.
Always,
Clay
Wow. I dropped the letter at my feet and made no effort to wipe the tears that streamed down my face. Whatever I had been expecting, that wasn't it.
Damn Clay Reed and his stupid back and forth crap! How perfectly typical of him. Telling me how much he loved me and in the next breath pushing me away. He had effectively shut me out of his life. Again. He wanted me to move on. To live my life. He told me not to wait for him, that he wouldn't be coming back to me.
I found it hard to breathe as I faced the finality of his words. We were over. There was no more us. I couldn't help but feel anger and betrayal at how he gave up. How he just let go of all that we had.
I picked the letter up from the floor and balled it in my fist, planning to throw it away. But I stopped myself. I placed the paper on my desk and smoothed it out. I couldn't get rid of it. It was my last link to him, and I needed that.
So I put it in the very bottom of my desk drawer. I didn't want to see it again, but I couldn't let go of it either. I couldn’t read his goodbye, but I had to know that it was still there. That his love was a real thing. That I hadn't imagined it.
