Finders Keepers
Page 41
“But it wasn’t just Jesse and me who became inseparable. We had a third partner in crime, and the first day I saw her, I convinced myself she was an angel.” Josie’s head tilted, but her back was still to me. “And then when I asked her on the playground if she really was an angel and could I try her wings out, she stuck her tongue out at me and walked away . . . thus ruining my angel theory.” A low laugh resonated through the room. Even I smiled at the memory. “The three of us became best friends, never doing anything without inviting the other two. Just like with Jesse, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve her friendship or care . . . or love.” I had to pause and clear my throat. “My whole life, I let people tell me what I did and didn’t deserve, and my whole life, I believed them. But here’s what I learned from Jesse.” I squeezed his shoulder again before letting go.
“Who we choose to love, and who chooses to love us has nothing to do with being deserving or undeserving. It has to do with who you simply have to love and who simply has to love you. It took me years to realize that my two best friends didn’t love me because I did or didn’t deserve it or that I loved them because they did or didn’t. We loved each other because we wanted to. We chose to. I know another certain someone he had to drill that into as well. A certain someone who promised a lifetime to him this afternoon.” I glanced at Rowen, and she was almost teary-eyed. I’d been under the impression Rowen did teary about as often as I did.
“So that’s what this guy taught me about love. It was nothing to do with deserving, and everything to do with who we want and choose to love. I learned something else about love from our other best friend.” Josie was sitting forward in her seat, still not facing me, but she didn’t have to—I knew she heard every word. “She taught me how to love. She taught me who I wanted to love. Even though I failed at it, stumbled over my own two feet so many times I was face-planting more than I was walking, she showed me the perseverance of love.” I probably should have been looking out into the crowd or at the bride and groom, but all I could do was stare at Josie and spill my guts. I never realized how many guts I had to spill. It was a messy operation.
“I learned something else about love from Rowen. She taught me that when you do find the person you want to love for the rest of your life, it’s okay to embrace change. It’s okay to change yourself. Everyone likes to think that when they find that special someone, that person should accept them and their flaws, vices, and short-comings. Maybe they’re an amazing enough person that they do . . . but they shouldn’t have to. A person should want to change themselves for the better when they find that person. Rowen might not have come out and said it, but she showed me by example.” I nodded at her as she wiped her eyes, then shot me a thumbs-up.
“So Jesse taught me something about love. Rowen taught me something about love. And the example they set for loving each other should teach us all something about love.” I motioned between them. “These two are the couple to beat. The love they have for each other is the kind to aspire to. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t mind having someone beside me who could give these two a run for their money.” A few people in the crowd clapped. I wasn’t sure if it was because they were trying to give me a hint that it was time to wrap it up or if they just really liked what I was saying. Because, Jesus Christ, I was saying a lot. It was time to wrap it up before I became any more transparent. “I’m going to wrap up this hour and a half sermon with just one more thing—totally off-topic and unrelated, and I’m sorry to Jesse and Rowen and the rest of you. But I have to say this now because I have the mic, and she’s close by, and this might be the only chance I get to say this.” I shot Jesse and Rowen an apologetic look—they just waved me on.
“I want to say I’m sorry for hurting her when all I ever wanted to do was protect her. I’m sorry for running away and being a coward and making you cry . . . and I’m sorry for the million things I need to apologize for.” Since I was staring right at her, I wasn’t making my apology very anonymous. “You were right about everything. Right about how I felt for you, and why I did the things I did, and why I ran away. You were right about so much.” I wanted her to look at me. I wanted to find the strength I always did in her eyes. “But you were wrong about one thing. You told me I was running away because I was afraid to admit I loved you. That wasn’t it.” Finally, her head turned my way and her eyes met mine. They looked as tortured as I felt. “I wasn’t the guy who fell in love with you this past winter.” I shook my head. Pain flashed across her face. “I was the boy who fell in love with you that day on the school bus when we were five. And I’m the man that always will.”
I’d said what I needed to; I’d survived the speech. I couldn’t stand to look at Josie’s pained face any longer. I couldn’t stand knowing I was responsible for it. So I tipped my hat at Jesse and Rowen, set down the mic, and headed out of the tent. I needed a hell of a lot more than fresh air, but it was a start. I made it all the way to the giant maple tree way back on the Walkers’ property. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do more: keep walking until I’d found the end of the earth, then take a flying leap off of it, or drop to my knees and curse at the stars for shining so brightly when my own personal darkness was setting in.
I’d said what I needed to—I’d apologized—and Josie knew how I felt. She knew I loved her, just as she’d suspected. After all I’d said, she hadn’t done anything about it. She’d stayed in her seat, her eyes pained, her mouth closed, and I feared, her heart closed as well. Fifteen years of build-up to when I finally confessed my love for her, and I was two months too late. As usual, my timing sucked. Knowing Josie was back in that tent, sitting beside some other guy, and that she could have been mine if I hadn’t turned my back and run . . . the emotions bottled inside of me exploded. The old maple took the brunt of it.
“Now what did that tree ever do to you?” The voice came from behind me as I considered going back at it for another round.
If they weren’t already, my toes were about to break if I kept kicking it. “Nothing. But in case you haven’t noticed, I do a lot of f**ked-up things to things and people who don’t deserve it.” I wiped the tree bark from my knuckles and watched Josie come toward me. In that light purple dress, with the way the moon and stars were shining, she really was an angel gliding toward me. It was such a beautiful sight—almost painfully so—the breath caught in my lungs.
“I noticed,” she replied, stopping in front of me. Her face gave nothing away, but her eyes did—that fire was back.
“Are you going to slap me?” I braced myself for it.
“I’m thinking about it, but I’ve got a couple questions for you to answer first. Then I’ll decide.” I nodded. “That was some speech in there, Black. Was it real? Was it the truth?” Josie’s voice was flat and emotionless. I knew mine would be neither.
“Every word.” I didn’t think it was possible for a voice to wobble so much over three syllables.
Her eyes closed then flashed open. “I’m here with Colt.”
That was a dagger through my heart, but instead of keeping it there and letting it slow me down, I pulled it out and dropped it at my feet. “You might be here with him, but your heart isn’t here with him.”
That fire in her eyes spread to the rest of her face. “Who are you to tell me who I do and don’t love? Who the hell do you think you are?”
I maybe should have been flinching for a forthcoming slap, but instead I stepped closer. “The person you love. The person who loves you. That’s who I am.” My voice didn’t wobble that time. “The person who will love you every second of every day until our days run out. Until we’re buried beside each other under an old tree like this. I’m not running away anymore. I’m not going anywhere, so if any of that love you used to have for me hasn’t turned to hate, tell me. Please, Joze, tell me. Do you still love me? Do you still want to love me? Because I know I’ve been piss-poor at showing it, but I meant what I said in there—I’ve loved you since the day I met you. And I meant what I just said out here—I’m going to continue loving you until the day I die.” I had so much more to say, but I’d said the important things. If she turned her back on me and I never saw her again, at least she’d know the important things. If she threw her arms around me and decided to be with me like I hoped, I had the rest of our lives to fill in the rest.
“You said I was wrong about something. Wrong about when you fell in love with me.” I nodded and waited as she put her thoughts together. “Well, I was wrong about something else, too.” A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, and when I lifted my hand to wipe it away, she didn’t flinch away from me.
“What else were you wrong about?”
“When you walked away from me a couple of months ago, that love I had for you did change—like I thought it would.” Another tear fell, followed by another, so I just kept my hand pressed against her cheek to catch them.
“It changed to hate. I walked away, and your love changed to hate.” Saying those words was a thousand times more painful than thinking them.
“No.” She shook her head, her eyes dropping. “It changed when it grew. I realized that even though you were gone, there was no one else I wanted to love. I had no love that didn’t belong to you left to give.”
Oh my god. Was she saying what it sounded like she was saying? I wasn’t sure, so I needed to ask. I needed to know, and hopefully my question didn’t sound as lame as the one I’d asked myself. “Joze, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” So much for not sounding as lame. “Are you saying you still love me?”
Her head bobbed. “So much I’ve been sick with it these past two months.”
She still loved me. Josie Gibson still loved me, and I was finally ready to accept that love. I’d waited for that moment for so long, I didn’t know what the hell to say. Or do? What did I say to that . . .? “I love you, Joze. I love you so f**king much. Yeah, I realize saying f**k while confessing one’s love probably isn’t romantic—”
My confession was cut short when her mouth crashed into mine. Her arms wound around my neck while I drew her close and kissed her back. That whole time I’d been anticipating a slap when I should have been expecting a kiss. The story of my life. Josie kissed me so forcefully, she managed to back me up into that old maple, and then she kissed me for so long, I’m sure the sun was thinking about rising before her lips left mine.
She was smiling with that fire still burning in her eyes. “I came here with Colt you know.” Her smile went higher on one side.
“Yeah, yeah, too bad for him because you’re here with me now, and I’m not letting go.” Drawing her back to me, I lowered my mouth just outside of her ear. “Finders keepers.”
“Who we choose to love, and who chooses to love us has nothing to do with being deserving or undeserving. It has to do with who you simply have to love and who simply has to love you. It took me years to realize that my two best friends didn’t love me because I did or didn’t deserve it or that I loved them because they did or didn’t. We loved each other because we wanted to. We chose to. I know another certain someone he had to drill that into as well. A certain someone who promised a lifetime to him this afternoon.” I glanced at Rowen, and she was almost teary-eyed. I’d been under the impression Rowen did teary about as often as I did.
“So that’s what this guy taught me about love. It was nothing to do with deserving, and everything to do with who we want and choose to love. I learned something else about love from our other best friend.” Josie was sitting forward in her seat, still not facing me, but she didn’t have to—I knew she heard every word. “She taught me how to love. She taught me who I wanted to love. Even though I failed at it, stumbled over my own two feet so many times I was face-planting more than I was walking, she showed me the perseverance of love.” I probably should have been looking out into the crowd or at the bride and groom, but all I could do was stare at Josie and spill my guts. I never realized how many guts I had to spill. It was a messy operation.
“I learned something else about love from Rowen. She taught me that when you do find the person you want to love for the rest of your life, it’s okay to embrace change. It’s okay to change yourself. Everyone likes to think that when they find that special someone, that person should accept them and their flaws, vices, and short-comings. Maybe they’re an amazing enough person that they do . . . but they shouldn’t have to. A person should want to change themselves for the better when they find that person. Rowen might not have come out and said it, but she showed me by example.” I nodded at her as she wiped her eyes, then shot me a thumbs-up.
“So Jesse taught me something about love. Rowen taught me something about love. And the example they set for loving each other should teach us all something about love.” I motioned between them. “These two are the couple to beat. The love they have for each other is the kind to aspire to. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t mind having someone beside me who could give these two a run for their money.” A few people in the crowd clapped. I wasn’t sure if it was because they were trying to give me a hint that it was time to wrap it up or if they just really liked what I was saying. Because, Jesus Christ, I was saying a lot. It was time to wrap it up before I became any more transparent. “I’m going to wrap up this hour and a half sermon with just one more thing—totally off-topic and unrelated, and I’m sorry to Jesse and Rowen and the rest of you. But I have to say this now because I have the mic, and she’s close by, and this might be the only chance I get to say this.” I shot Jesse and Rowen an apologetic look—they just waved me on.
“I want to say I’m sorry for hurting her when all I ever wanted to do was protect her. I’m sorry for running away and being a coward and making you cry . . . and I’m sorry for the million things I need to apologize for.” Since I was staring right at her, I wasn’t making my apology very anonymous. “You were right about everything. Right about how I felt for you, and why I did the things I did, and why I ran away. You were right about so much.” I wanted her to look at me. I wanted to find the strength I always did in her eyes. “But you were wrong about one thing. You told me I was running away because I was afraid to admit I loved you. That wasn’t it.” Finally, her head turned my way and her eyes met mine. They looked as tortured as I felt. “I wasn’t the guy who fell in love with you this past winter.” I shook my head. Pain flashed across her face. “I was the boy who fell in love with you that day on the school bus when we were five. And I’m the man that always will.”
I’d said what I needed to; I’d survived the speech. I couldn’t stand to look at Josie’s pained face any longer. I couldn’t stand knowing I was responsible for it. So I tipped my hat at Jesse and Rowen, set down the mic, and headed out of the tent. I needed a hell of a lot more than fresh air, but it was a start. I made it all the way to the giant maple tree way back on the Walkers’ property. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do more: keep walking until I’d found the end of the earth, then take a flying leap off of it, or drop to my knees and curse at the stars for shining so brightly when my own personal darkness was setting in.
I’d said what I needed to—I’d apologized—and Josie knew how I felt. She knew I loved her, just as she’d suspected. After all I’d said, she hadn’t done anything about it. She’d stayed in her seat, her eyes pained, her mouth closed, and I feared, her heart closed as well. Fifteen years of build-up to when I finally confessed my love for her, and I was two months too late. As usual, my timing sucked. Knowing Josie was back in that tent, sitting beside some other guy, and that she could have been mine if I hadn’t turned my back and run . . . the emotions bottled inside of me exploded. The old maple took the brunt of it.
“Now what did that tree ever do to you?” The voice came from behind me as I considered going back at it for another round.
If they weren’t already, my toes were about to break if I kept kicking it. “Nothing. But in case you haven’t noticed, I do a lot of f**ked-up things to things and people who don’t deserve it.” I wiped the tree bark from my knuckles and watched Josie come toward me. In that light purple dress, with the way the moon and stars were shining, she really was an angel gliding toward me. It was such a beautiful sight—almost painfully so—the breath caught in my lungs.
“I noticed,” she replied, stopping in front of me. Her face gave nothing away, but her eyes did—that fire was back.
“Are you going to slap me?” I braced myself for it.
“I’m thinking about it, but I’ve got a couple questions for you to answer first. Then I’ll decide.” I nodded. “That was some speech in there, Black. Was it real? Was it the truth?” Josie’s voice was flat and emotionless. I knew mine would be neither.
“Every word.” I didn’t think it was possible for a voice to wobble so much over three syllables.
Her eyes closed then flashed open. “I’m here with Colt.”
That was a dagger through my heart, but instead of keeping it there and letting it slow me down, I pulled it out and dropped it at my feet. “You might be here with him, but your heart isn’t here with him.”
That fire in her eyes spread to the rest of her face. “Who are you to tell me who I do and don’t love? Who the hell do you think you are?”
I maybe should have been flinching for a forthcoming slap, but instead I stepped closer. “The person you love. The person who loves you. That’s who I am.” My voice didn’t wobble that time. “The person who will love you every second of every day until our days run out. Until we’re buried beside each other under an old tree like this. I’m not running away anymore. I’m not going anywhere, so if any of that love you used to have for me hasn’t turned to hate, tell me. Please, Joze, tell me. Do you still love me? Do you still want to love me? Because I know I’ve been piss-poor at showing it, but I meant what I said in there—I’ve loved you since the day I met you. And I meant what I just said out here—I’m going to continue loving you until the day I die.” I had so much more to say, but I’d said the important things. If she turned her back on me and I never saw her again, at least she’d know the important things. If she threw her arms around me and decided to be with me like I hoped, I had the rest of our lives to fill in the rest.
“You said I was wrong about something. Wrong about when you fell in love with me.” I nodded and waited as she put her thoughts together. “Well, I was wrong about something else, too.” A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye, and when I lifted my hand to wipe it away, she didn’t flinch away from me.
“What else were you wrong about?”
“When you walked away from me a couple of months ago, that love I had for you did change—like I thought it would.” Another tear fell, followed by another, so I just kept my hand pressed against her cheek to catch them.
“It changed to hate. I walked away, and your love changed to hate.” Saying those words was a thousand times more painful than thinking them.
“No.” She shook her head, her eyes dropping. “It changed when it grew. I realized that even though you were gone, there was no one else I wanted to love. I had no love that didn’t belong to you left to give.”
Oh my god. Was she saying what it sounded like she was saying? I wasn’t sure, so I needed to ask. I needed to know, and hopefully my question didn’t sound as lame as the one I’d asked myself. “Joze, are you saying what I think you’re saying?” So much for not sounding as lame. “Are you saying you still love me?”
Her head bobbed. “So much I’ve been sick with it these past two months.”
She still loved me. Josie Gibson still loved me, and I was finally ready to accept that love. I’d waited for that moment for so long, I didn’t know what the hell to say. Or do? What did I say to that . . .? “I love you, Joze. I love you so f**king much. Yeah, I realize saying f**k while confessing one’s love probably isn’t romantic—”
My confession was cut short when her mouth crashed into mine. Her arms wound around my neck while I drew her close and kissed her back. That whole time I’d been anticipating a slap when I should have been expecting a kiss. The story of my life. Josie kissed me so forcefully, she managed to back me up into that old maple, and then she kissed me for so long, I’m sure the sun was thinking about rising before her lips left mine.
She was smiling with that fire still burning in her eyes. “I came here with Colt you know.” Her smile went higher on one side.
“Yeah, yeah, too bad for him because you’re here with me now, and I’m not letting go.” Drawing her back to me, I lowered my mouth just outside of her ear. “Finders keepers.”
