Finding Eden
Page 14
"When she was sixteen, she had the power to take my very breath away. And she did it often. She made me miserable and blissful, and everything in between." He moved around the table a few in front of mine.
"I didn't know a lot about the world at the time. And as it turns out, I knew even less than I thought I did. I led a simple life. I bathed in a river until I was eighteen years old."
There was a collective sigh from the women around me and I moved my head around, looking at them and widening my eyes. "Well that's not an unwelcome vision," an old woman next to me said a little too loudly. I bit my lip, my eyes now trained on Calder.
"But what I did know was that I loved a girl. And I knew I loved her in a way I'd never, ever recover from. I knew I loved her to the very core of myself. And I knew she loved me back."
He stopped and looked back at my mom. "I also know what it feels like to lose her. I know what it feels like to have a piece of your heart missing." His voice lowered and he cleared his throat as it grew extra gravelly. My heart swelled and tears coursed down my cheeks. "I know what it feels like when the person who's your whole life is stolen from you and each day bleeds into the next in a blur of misery and longing."
My mom swiped at her eyes and hugged her body as she looked at Calder. Calder turned back to me.
"And I know what it feels like when your life is unexpectedly, miraculously returned to you." He paused. "We lived through things so horrific and unfathomable that most of the time I can't even bear to retell it all to myself." A brief look of sorrow passed over his features. "But what I've been thinking about all day today is the beauty we experienced, the love, and the wonder. I needed so much just to sit with that because somehow in the midst of the immense grief, I'd blocked out all the light, and there was so much of it, wasn't there?"
He reached my side and knelt down to where I was. I let out a small, strangled sob, nodding yes, and smiling through the tears as I brought my hand to his cheek. He leaned into it, closing his eyes. Someone handed me a napkin and I blotted at my eyes as Calder smiled up at me. As he knelt before me, I took a deep breath. He was alive. And he was here. His depth of kindness and warmth had been one of the reasons I had first fallen in love with him. He was still my same Calder.
"I'm sorry for interrupting the party," he said. "What I really came here to ask you," his eyes looked over my face, "is whether you wanted to go bowling with me?"
I blinked. "Bowling?" I asked, scrunching my face up in confusion.
"Yeah, it's this game where you knock down pins with—"
"Yes, I know what bowling is," I interrupted, laughing softly. "I'm caught up."
He grinned. "I just thought, you know, I've never had the chance to take you on a proper date and I had a feeling you'd like to bowl."
I laughed, leaning forward and placing my forehead on his. After a minute, I pulled away just a little bit and whispered, "Madison?"
Calder shook his head. "Did you even think it was a choice, Eden?" he whispered back. "For me it's not. I . . . " Looking into his eyes I saw vulnerability as if he wasn't sure of what I felt for him—how could that be? He sighed and bit his lip, and continued, "I want to make sure it's not for you either."
I opened my mouth, but the words stuck there. I shook my head back and forth.
A fresh batch of tears coursed down my cheeks. Relief filled Calder's expression before he leaned forward and kissed them away.
"Also, that's a really large flower." He nodded toward it, his eyes widening.
I laughed softly. "Shh, it's finally sleeping. Don't wake it."
We stood up and continued hugging and kissing and wiping away tears as everyone around us started clapping and whistling. I laughed up into Calder's handsome, beloved face and he smiled tenderly into mine.
I saw my mom approaching us in my peripheral vision and pulled away from Calder. She came up to us and reached out her hand saying, "I'm Carolyn." Her voice was wobbly.
"I'm Calder." Calder reached out to her and shook her hand. There was an awkward moment when their hands missed because they were both staring at me and then Calder went in to hug her and my mom turned to me and we all sort of collided. Laughing, we finally wrapped our arms around each other, standing there in a group hug as my mom and I sniffled back our tears.
When we pulled apart, Calder said, "I was wondering if I could take your daughter out tonight?" He smiled at her and then looked over at me.
My mom seemed conflicted. "Well . . ." She looked around at all the people staring anxiously at us, waiting for her to answer. She smiled a sad smile over at me and then looked at Calder. "Yes. But please bring her right back, okay? And take care of her?"
Calder nodded. "I promise."
My mom squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. I took Calder's hand as he led me out of the garden. When I got to the edge, I turned around and waved at everyone and called, "Thank you all so much." And then we walked inside the house to the sounds of the group calling out their goodbyes.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Calder
Eden's hand was warm in my own as we stepped into the deserted kitchen right off the garden.
"I should change first," she said, turning and gazing up at me.
For a few seconds I allowed myself to get lost in her eyes, those deep blue pools I never thought I'd get to gaze into again. I let the moment soothe my wounded, battered heart. Finally I nodded.
"Want me to wait, or—"
"No, come with me," she said, but neither of us moved. We stood there gripping each other tightly for several minutes before she pulled me by my hand through the large kitchen.
We climbed the stairs and Eden led me down the wide hall to her bedroom. She closed the door behind us and immediately started unzipping the side zipper on her dress. She let it pool around her feet, murmuring a "thank God," as the gargantuan flower fell away from her chin. I chuckled softly and then moved my eyes slowly up her body. I hadn't taken the proper time to drink her in the night before. She was still slim, but she looked more womanly now somehow, her h*ps just slightly more round, her waist even smaller, and her small br**sts round and firm in the white strapless bra she wore. My body surged to life, pressing uncomfortably against my new dress pants, the ones I'd bought just an hour ago so I could show up looking appropriate for her mom's party.
I'd spent the day just as I told her, reliving the beauty we'd experienced together. I hadn't had it in me to go there in my mind over the past three years and I had needed it. I had needed to spend time with the us we had been in order to feel ready to move forward into our future. I'd gone to Madison and told her. It hadn't been easy, but I owed it to her to be honest immediately. I had never envisioned a future with her. I’d never been able to. I should have given her all or nothing at all. And it had never been in me to give her my all. I'd have to live with the regret I felt for hurting her.
Eden rolled her tights down her legs and tossed them aside and then glanced over at me and paused, color moving into her cheeks. "Is it strange that I feel self-conscious in front of you?" she asked, sadness sweeping through her expression.
I walked over to her, taking her hands in mine and shaking my head. "We have a lot of reacquainting to do, Morning Glory. There's no handbook for this. I doubt if there's even a self-help book that could touch what we've gone through. We're on our own here."
Eden shook her head and looked down for a second before she met my eyes again. "Are we going to be okay, Calder? Do we even have a chance?"
I thought about that for a second. I had promised her so much before, promised her that I'd protect her, that we'd be okay . . . and I'd failed. I breathed deeply to force the guilt out of my lungs, the anger and loss, and self-hatred. Yes, that most of all. "We're going to try our damndest, Eden. That's all I can give you. That's all I can promise."
She licked her lips and looked to be considering my words. Finally she nodded. "That's enough," she said, meeting my eyes, her own gentle and willing. The trust shining from her face shocked me and almost took my breath away. After everything . . . she could still look at me like that? How? Why? I opened my mouth to ask her, but she leaned forward and kissed me. Her lips were soft and sweet just as they always were in my dreams. And though she'd been stolen from her family, isolated from friendships as a child, left to largely fend for herself in a strange city still recovering the harsh, brutal death of me and our baby . . . Despite all she'd suffered in her life, despite my failure to be there for her when she'd needed me, she still offered herself selflessly and without hesitation. I took it like the gift it was, opening my mouth and sliding my tongue against hers. We kissed deeply, Eden tilting her head and moaning sweetly into my mouth. I felt desperate to feel her skin against mine. But we were here in her mother's house with a party still going on downstairs. I wanted to get her back to my place where I could take my time with her. We deserved that. If we deserved anything, we deserved that.
I broke the kiss and pulled away regretfully. I looked into her eyes and saw the same desire reflected back at me. My beautiful girl. I wanted her badly, but we needed time together in this new world. It felt necessary to experience a new normal together.
"So," she said pulling away and grabbing a pair of jeans lying at the end of her bed, "this bowling thing . . . how good are you?"
"Oh," I said, sitting down on her bed, "I've never bowled. Xander and I used to go to this bowling alley on Monday nights a couple years back." I paused, recalling the shell of a person I had been, sitting there blankly watching people whoop and laugh and pour beer from pitchers. "We were dirt poor," I said, shaking my head. "They had this all-you-can-eat nacho bar." I made a gagging motion. "I swear if I never see another vat of orange cheese for as long as I live, it will be too soon."
Eden laughed a small laugh, but there was sadness in her eyes. She opened her dresser drawer to get a tank top and pulled it over her head. I leaned back on her pillows, turning my face to the side and inhaling the clean, apple blossom scent of the fabric. If I had anything to say about it, my own sheets were going to smell like that tomorrow and every day for the rest of my days.
She closed her drawer. "No more all-you-can-eat nacho bars for you, famous artist," she said. She walked to her closet and opened the door just a crack and reached inside.
I breathed out a small chuckle. "Hardly famous," I said, feeling slightly embarrassed for some reason.
She turned her head and regarded me for a few beats. "You will be though," she said, like it was just a certainty.
"I—" I sat up, my words halting and my blood running cold. "Eden, what is that in there?"
Eden grabbed a shirt and shut the door quickly. "Nothing," she said. She licked her lips nervously, holding the shirt in her hand up against her br**sts. "Just, um, some research I've been doing."
I stood up and walked over to her, putting my hand on the closet door handle.
"Calder—" Eden started, reaching for my hand. I halted, but her hand fell away from mine and she stepped back, breathing out a resigned breath.
I opened the closet door and there on the back of it, covering every inch of space, were news clips of Acadia, pictures of the council members they had found and identified. There was a picture of Clive Richter—what had originally caught my attention when I glimpsed it from the bed—that she must have printed out from somewhere online, a rough sketch of who I was guessing was supposed to be Hector, and countless small notes written in Eden's handwriting. Toward the middle, there was something that looked like a timeline. My eyes moved from one side of the corkboard she'd adhered to the back of the door and all the items pinned to it and then to the other. It went practically down to the floor.
"What are you doing, Eden?" I asked, my voice sounding flat.
Color stained her cheeks and she looked away. "You don't have to sound like I'm a nutcase. I'm just . . . researching. I'm . . ." She made a small sound of frustration. "I'm gathering knowledge. It helps me feel in control. It helps me feel less scared, I guess. Less . . ." Her final words came out softly and then trailed off.
I studied her. "Morning Glory," I finally said, taking her in my arms again and hugging her to me. "What are you trying to find here?"
She shook her head against my chest, her arms trapped between our bodies where she still held onto her shirt. She stepped back a very small step and looked up at me. She sighed and pulled the black, loose top over her head. "They haven't been able to identify Hector," she said quietly. She reached back and took her hair out of the smooth ponytail it was in and ran her fingers through it as it fell over her shoulders in a beautiful cascade of light morning sunshine. I inhaled as the sweet smell of her shampoo filled the air. "And I just thought, if I could figure out who he was, where he came from, you know, it would help me see him more as a man and not a—"
"Monster?" I finished.
Her eyes flew to mine and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. Finally she said, "Yes."
I let out a loud breath and furrowed my brow. "I get it, I do. You know more than anyone on planet earth, I do. But this," I waved my hand over to the board with all her research pinned to it, "this can't be good for you—to spend so much time with them, it can't be healthy."
She crossed her arms in front of herself and looked over at the board, seeming to consider. "I thought it might help me figure out who your parents were, too," she said, sadness flashing in her eyes. "They're still not even close to identifying so many of the bodies."
"I didn't know a lot about the world at the time. And as it turns out, I knew even less than I thought I did. I led a simple life. I bathed in a river until I was eighteen years old."
There was a collective sigh from the women around me and I moved my head around, looking at them and widening my eyes. "Well that's not an unwelcome vision," an old woman next to me said a little too loudly. I bit my lip, my eyes now trained on Calder.
"But what I did know was that I loved a girl. And I knew I loved her in a way I'd never, ever recover from. I knew I loved her to the very core of myself. And I knew she loved me back."
He stopped and looked back at my mom. "I also know what it feels like to lose her. I know what it feels like to have a piece of your heart missing." His voice lowered and he cleared his throat as it grew extra gravelly. My heart swelled and tears coursed down my cheeks. "I know what it feels like when the person who's your whole life is stolen from you and each day bleeds into the next in a blur of misery and longing."
My mom swiped at her eyes and hugged her body as she looked at Calder. Calder turned back to me.
"And I know what it feels like when your life is unexpectedly, miraculously returned to you." He paused. "We lived through things so horrific and unfathomable that most of the time I can't even bear to retell it all to myself." A brief look of sorrow passed over his features. "But what I've been thinking about all day today is the beauty we experienced, the love, and the wonder. I needed so much just to sit with that because somehow in the midst of the immense grief, I'd blocked out all the light, and there was so much of it, wasn't there?"
He reached my side and knelt down to where I was. I let out a small, strangled sob, nodding yes, and smiling through the tears as I brought my hand to his cheek. He leaned into it, closing his eyes. Someone handed me a napkin and I blotted at my eyes as Calder smiled up at me. As he knelt before me, I took a deep breath. He was alive. And he was here. His depth of kindness and warmth had been one of the reasons I had first fallen in love with him. He was still my same Calder.
"I'm sorry for interrupting the party," he said. "What I really came here to ask you," his eyes looked over my face, "is whether you wanted to go bowling with me?"
I blinked. "Bowling?" I asked, scrunching my face up in confusion.
"Yeah, it's this game where you knock down pins with—"
"Yes, I know what bowling is," I interrupted, laughing softly. "I'm caught up."
He grinned. "I just thought, you know, I've never had the chance to take you on a proper date and I had a feeling you'd like to bowl."
I laughed, leaning forward and placing my forehead on his. After a minute, I pulled away just a little bit and whispered, "Madison?"
Calder shook his head. "Did you even think it was a choice, Eden?" he whispered back. "For me it's not. I . . . " Looking into his eyes I saw vulnerability as if he wasn't sure of what I felt for him—how could that be? He sighed and bit his lip, and continued, "I want to make sure it's not for you either."
I opened my mouth, but the words stuck there. I shook my head back and forth.
A fresh batch of tears coursed down my cheeks. Relief filled Calder's expression before he leaned forward and kissed them away.
"Also, that's a really large flower." He nodded toward it, his eyes widening.
I laughed softly. "Shh, it's finally sleeping. Don't wake it."
We stood up and continued hugging and kissing and wiping away tears as everyone around us started clapping and whistling. I laughed up into Calder's handsome, beloved face and he smiled tenderly into mine.
I saw my mom approaching us in my peripheral vision and pulled away from Calder. She came up to us and reached out her hand saying, "I'm Carolyn." Her voice was wobbly.
"I'm Calder." Calder reached out to her and shook her hand. There was an awkward moment when their hands missed because they were both staring at me and then Calder went in to hug her and my mom turned to me and we all sort of collided. Laughing, we finally wrapped our arms around each other, standing there in a group hug as my mom and I sniffled back our tears.
When we pulled apart, Calder said, "I was wondering if I could take your daughter out tonight?" He smiled at her and then looked over at me.
My mom seemed conflicted. "Well . . ." She looked around at all the people staring anxiously at us, waiting for her to answer. She smiled a sad smile over at me and then looked at Calder. "Yes. But please bring her right back, okay? And take care of her?"
Calder nodded. "I promise."
My mom squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. I took Calder's hand as he led me out of the garden. When I got to the edge, I turned around and waved at everyone and called, "Thank you all so much." And then we walked inside the house to the sounds of the group calling out their goodbyes.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Calder
Eden's hand was warm in my own as we stepped into the deserted kitchen right off the garden.
"I should change first," she said, turning and gazing up at me.
For a few seconds I allowed myself to get lost in her eyes, those deep blue pools I never thought I'd get to gaze into again. I let the moment soothe my wounded, battered heart. Finally I nodded.
"Want me to wait, or—"
"No, come with me," she said, but neither of us moved. We stood there gripping each other tightly for several minutes before she pulled me by my hand through the large kitchen.
We climbed the stairs and Eden led me down the wide hall to her bedroom. She closed the door behind us and immediately started unzipping the side zipper on her dress. She let it pool around her feet, murmuring a "thank God," as the gargantuan flower fell away from her chin. I chuckled softly and then moved my eyes slowly up her body. I hadn't taken the proper time to drink her in the night before. She was still slim, but she looked more womanly now somehow, her h*ps just slightly more round, her waist even smaller, and her small br**sts round and firm in the white strapless bra she wore. My body surged to life, pressing uncomfortably against my new dress pants, the ones I'd bought just an hour ago so I could show up looking appropriate for her mom's party.
I'd spent the day just as I told her, reliving the beauty we'd experienced together. I hadn't had it in me to go there in my mind over the past three years and I had needed it. I had needed to spend time with the us we had been in order to feel ready to move forward into our future. I'd gone to Madison and told her. It hadn't been easy, but I owed it to her to be honest immediately. I had never envisioned a future with her. I’d never been able to. I should have given her all or nothing at all. And it had never been in me to give her my all. I'd have to live with the regret I felt for hurting her.
Eden rolled her tights down her legs and tossed them aside and then glanced over at me and paused, color moving into her cheeks. "Is it strange that I feel self-conscious in front of you?" she asked, sadness sweeping through her expression.
I walked over to her, taking her hands in mine and shaking my head. "We have a lot of reacquainting to do, Morning Glory. There's no handbook for this. I doubt if there's even a self-help book that could touch what we've gone through. We're on our own here."
Eden shook her head and looked down for a second before she met my eyes again. "Are we going to be okay, Calder? Do we even have a chance?"
I thought about that for a second. I had promised her so much before, promised her that I'd protect her, that we'd be okay . . . and I'd failed. I breathed deeply to force the guilt out of my lungs, the anger and loss, and self-hatred. Yes, that most of all. "We're going to try our damndest, Eden. That's all I can give you. That's all I can promise."
She licked her lips and looked to be considering my words. Finally she nodded. "That's enough," she said, meeting my eyes, her own gentle and willing. The trust shining from her face shocked me and almost took my breath away. After everything . . . she could still look at me like that? How? Why? I opened my mouth to ask her, but she leaned forward and kissed me. Her lips were soft and sweet just as they always were in my dreams. And though she'd been stolen from her family, isolated from friendships as a child, left to largely fend for herself in a strange city still recovering the harsh, brutal death of me and our baby . . . Despite all she'd suffered in her life, despite my failure to be there for her when she'd needed me, she still offered herself selflessly and without hesitation. I took it like the gift it was, opening my mouth and sliding my tongue against hers. We kissed deeply, Eden tilting her head and moaning sweetly into my mouth. I felt desperate to feel her skin against mine. But we were here in her mother's house with a party still going on downstairs. I wanted to get her back to my place where I could take my time with her. We deserved that. If we deserved anything, we deserved that.
I broke the kiss and pulled away regretfully. I looked into her eyes and saw the same desire reflected back at me. My beautiful girl. I wanted her badly, but we needed time together in this new world. It felt necessary to experience a new normal together.
"So," she said pulling away and grabbing a pair of jeans lying at the end of her bed, "this bowling thing . . . how good are you?"
"Oh," I said, sitting down on her bed, "I've never bowled. Xander and I used to go to this bowling alley on Monday nights a couple years back." I paused, recalling the shell of a person I had been, sitting there blankly watching people whoop and laugh and pour beer from pitchers. "We were dirt poor," I said, shaking my head. "They had this all-you-can-eat nacho bar." I made a gagging motion. "I swear if I never see another vat of orange cheese for as long as I live, it will be too soon."
Eden laughed a small laugh, but there was sadness in her eyes. She opened her dresser drawer to get a tank top and pulled it over her head. I leaned back on her pillows, turning my face to the side and inhaling the clean, apple blossom scent of the fabric. If I had anything to say about it, my own sheets were going to smell like that tomorrow and every day for the rest of my days.
She closed her drawer. "No more all-you-can-eat nacho bars for you, famous artist," she said. She walked to her closet and opened the door just a crack and reached inside.
I breathed out a small chuckle. "Hardly famous," I said, feeling slightly embarrassed for some reason.
She turned her head and regarded me for a few beats. "You will be though," she said, like it was just a certainty.
"I—" I sat up, my words halting and my blood running cold. "Eden, what is that in there?"
Eden grabbed a shirt and shut the door quickly. "Nothing," she said. She licked her lips nervously, holding the shirt in her hand up against her br**sts. "Just, um, some research I've been doing."
I stood up and walked over to her, putting my hand on the closet door handle.
"Calder—" Eden started, reaching for my hand. I halted, but her hand fell away from mine and she stepped back, breathing out a resigned breath.
I opened the closet door and there on the back of it, covering every inch of space, were news clips of Acadia, pictures of the council members they had found and identified. There was a picture of Clive Richter—what had originally caught my attention when I glimpsed it from the bed—that she must have printed out from somewhere online, a rough sketch of who I was guessing was supposed to be Hector, and countless small notes written in Eden's handwriting. Toward the middle, there was something that looked like a timeline. My eyes moved from one side of the corkboard she'd adhered to the back of the door and all the items pinned to it and then to the other. It went practically down to the floor.
"What are you doing, Eden?" I asked, my voice sounding flat.
Color stained her cheeks and she looked away. "You don't have to sound like I'm a nutcase. I'm just . . . researching. I'm . . ." She made a small sound of frustration. "I'm gathering knowledge. It helps me feel in control. It helps me feel less scared, I guess. Less . . ." Her final words came out softly and then trailed off.
I studied her. "Morning Glory," I finally said, taking her in my arms again and hugging her to me. "What are you trying to find here?"
She shook her head against my chest, her arms trapped between our bodies where she still held onto her shirt. She stepped back a very small step and looked up at me. She sighed and pulled the black, loose top over her head. "They haven't been able to identify Hector," she said quietly. She reached back and took her hair out of the smooth ponytail it was in and ran her fingers through it as it fell over her shoulders in a beautiful cascade of light morning sunshine. I inhaled as the sweet smell of her shampoo filled the air. "And I just thought, if I could figure out who he was, where he came from, you know, it would help me see him more as a man and not a—"
"Monster?" I finished.
Her eyes flew to mine and she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth. Finally she said, "Yes."
I let out a loud breath and furrowed my brow. "I get it, I do. You know more than anyone on planet earth, I do. But this," I waved my hand over to the board with all her research pinned to it, "this can't be good for you—to spend so much time with them, it can't be healthy."
She crossed her arms in front of herself and looked over at the board, seeming to consider. "I thought it might help me figure out who your parents were, too," she said, sadness flashing in her eyes. "They're still not even close to identifying so many of the bodies."
