Finding Faith

Page 52

I reached out for the rusted doorknob and gave it a turn. The door was silent as I pushed it open enough for me to peek in. A mauve-covered room stood before me. My eyes skimmed the room carefully, taking in the matching bedspread and curtains. Then my eyes landed on Finn and his mom. They were in the master bathroom across the room from me. Finn held back her hair as she puked in the toilet and cried.
“It’s hurts so bad, Jimmy.” She moaned.
My heart broke for her. Finn told me before that she had multiple sclerosis, but I had no idea what that really meant.
“I know, Mom. I’m here. I promise I won’t leave you,” Finn said softly.
I saw another side of him in that moment. I’d always known he was a guy who would take care of anyone he loved, but seeing it with my own two eyes made it more real. He was a caretaker—a good man—and I was a lucky girl to have him.
I felt awful for prying into their business, but it was such an honest moment that I couldn’t look away.
“Don’t leave me. Please just stay until I’m not dizzy anymore,” she asked as Finn wiped at her cheeks with a rag.
I stood there until he helped her back to her bed. Something happened to me as I watched a very personal story unfold in front of me. Whatever it was changed my entire thought process, and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t stay with Finn and risk my dad having him arrested for drugs. His mom needed him too much. She was sick, and as badly as I wanted to be with Finn, I couldn’t be selfish.
I quickly made my way back to his room, peeled off my dress so he wouldn’t know I’d been awake, and fell back into his bed with my eyes shut tightly. His door squeaked a little and I could see the light through my eyelids when he came back into his room. Darkness consumed me, and the door clicked into place as he shut the world out again.
I pretended to sleep as he slid back into bed with me. His side of the mattress dipped and pulled me closer to him. Warm arms came around me and he snuggled his body up to mine and spooned me. I wanted to cry for what I would be losing if I walked away. I was almost positive it was what I had to do.
He kissed the side of my neck and sighed happily. Once I heard his breathing even out again, I stared at the wall and watched it blink red again. I sat in the same spot for an hour as I went over my options over and over again. In the end, I came to the conclusion that I had to do the right thing. I had to move to California with my parents, and I had to do it without telling Finn.
I knew Finn and I knew he would fight for me… He’d said so himself earlier that night. If the situation had been different, I would’ve fought harder for him, but someone else needed him more than me, and if I stayed, it could mean prison for Finn. That wasn’t something I could live with.
Hot tears streamed down my face as I quietly slipped from his bed. I put my bra and panties back on and then I pulled my dress over my head. My cross warmed my palm as I stared down at Finn and his sweet face. I imagined that everything I was poured into my cross. More than just my soul, more than my emotions that were crumbling at that exact moment, but my essence—all that was Faith.
I didn’t need any part of myself anymore. I was going to be lifeless without Finn anyway. I loved him and since he couldn’t have me, I wanted him to have the biggest and most important part of me—my soul.
Unhooking my necklace, I let the cross slide from the chain and into my palm. It felt hotter than usual, and the back of my neck felt weird without the weight pulling against it. Closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer that my cross would always keep Finn safe, and then I made a promise to the air in the room that when I could, I’d come back to Finn.
Kissing the cross, I laid it on the pillow next to his head. My heart was breaking into pieces and everything ached. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his cheek. He smiled in his sleep, his dimples popping out for me one last time.
Wiping my face with the back of my sleeve, I stepped away from him. I crept through his house like a criminal until I stepped into his yard and into the cold morning air. The world was silent as I walked toward the closest store and called my parents. I didn’t pass a single person on the way, not that anyone could hurt me any worse than I’d hurt myself at that point.
An hour later, I was in the back of my dad’s car on my way back to hell. There was a belt and a plane ticket waiting for me when I got there. By ten a.m., my father had me on the way to the airport. My plane left at noon. I cried the entire time.
A week later, I was dying. I couldn’t take it anymore. Dad had yet to prove to me that he had any evidence against Finn, and when I pushed it too much, he’d pull off his belt. Except, instead of taking it the way I had before we left South Carolina, I fought back. It made the beatings worse, and I was forced to live at the church to pray for my sins, but I refused to lie there and take it anymore.