Finding Perfect
Page 30
“You can’t know that.”
He looked into her eyes. “Yes, I can.”
“I lost one of Crystal’s babies.”
“No,” he said quietly, for the first time understanding exactly what had happened. “We lost one of ours.”
Twins, he thought sadly. Twins, not triplets.
Her eyes widened. More tears came. “You’re right,” she said on a sob. “Oh, God. Make it come back.”
A prayer that would never be answered, he thought sadly as he held her.
They hung on to each other for a long time. When she seemed to have calmed down a little, he sat next to her on the bed and stroked her face.
“I look terrible,” she said. “Puffy and swollen and miserable.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re either a liar or you need your eyes checked.”
He gave her a smile, then let it fade. After kissing her mouth, he said, “Don’t for one minute think it’s your fault. It’s not. It can’t be. Blame comes with a deliberate action.”
He paused, then decided it was time. “You know that I was married before. Caro was a former beauty queen turned local news anchor. We met at a charity function in Dallas.”
Pia leaned back against her pillows. “Is it okay to hate her?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Because I do.”
At one time he had hated her more. But time had healed him. He would never understand, but he’d ceased wanting her punished.
“We were the perfect couple,” he continued. “Shortly after we got engaged, she was offered a job with a national affiliate in Los Angeles. Her career was important to her, so we moved to L.A. and during the season, I commuted.”
“That sounds very civilized.”
“It was. We talked about starting a family. We both wanted kids. One day I got a call that Caro was in the hospital. I came as fast as I could. I didn’t understand what was wrong and she didn’t want them to tell me.”
He could remember everything about that moment. Standing in the hallway, staring at a doctor who wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with his wife.
“I don’t understand,” Pia said. “The doctor wouldn’t tell you?”
“Not without her permission. I went into her room. She was pale. There were a couple of IVs and blood. I remember seeing the blood dripping into her.”
That had scared him the most. The thought that she might die.
He looked at Pia. “She’d had an abortion that afternoon and something had gone wrong. She’d been bleeding internally. She had surgery and was fine. That’s what she said. ‘I’m fine.’”
He shook his head. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She hadn’t told me. She said she wanted kids one day but not right then. Not when her career was going so well.” He turned away. “If she hadn’t ended up in the hospital, I never would have known. She made the decision without me. While I believe a woman has a right to choose, this was different. We were married. We were trying to have a kid—actively trying to get pregnant right then so I could be with her when it was born during the off-season. But it was all a lie.”
Pia’s breath caught. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That Raoul’s wife had betrayed him, betrayed them that way. It was one thing to put off having kids, or to discuss an unexpected pregnancy, but to pretend to be trying for a baby, then abort it when it happened was inexcusable.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know that’s a stupid thing to say, but I’m sorry.”
He turned back to her. She saw the hurt in his eyes and the loss.
“I’m sorry, too.”
They stared at each other, sharing their pain. Despite their practical arrangement, she’d never felt closer to him. More connected.
There was a short knock on the door. They both turned and saw Dr. Galloway walk in.
“Pia, my dear,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too.”
The doctor shook hands with Raoul, then moved to her side. “From what we can tell, the other two babies are hanging on just fine. They’re growing and look healthy.”
“You’re saying don’t give up hope.”
The older woman patted her shoulder. “I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about this. I want you to try to relax. You’ll stay here tonight and we’ll do another ultrasound in the morning. I expect everything will be fine and you’ll go home. There’s no reason for us to believe you’ll have any other problems, but we’ll take precautions, just to be sure.”
Pia nodded.
“I’m going to have the kitchen send up some dinner. I want you to eat. Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
“I’m staying,” Raoul said firmly. “I’ll make sure she eats.”
“I suspect you will,” the doctor said cheerfully. “All right, Pia. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Dr. Galloway’s mouth straightened. “No blaming yourself for this, hear me?”
“I’ll try.”
When the doctor left, Raoul moved to her side again.
“We’ll get through this,” he promised.
“I know.”
Having him here helped, she thought, relaxing back against the pillows. He was someone she could depend on, and right now that seemed like the best thing of all.
PIA STRETCHED OUT ON the sofa and tried to get comfortable. It wasn’t that she was hurting, she just felt weird inside. Unsettled. Afraid. Unworthy. Not exactly emotions designed to make her day restful.
She’d come home from the hospital that morning. It had taken a while to convince Raoul that it was perfectly safe to leave her for a few hours. Actually, it hadn’t been her words that had done the trick—instead it had been the steady stream of visitors, showing up with flowers, cards, food and baby gifts for the remaining twins. When he’d figured out she was unlikely to be alone for more than a few minutes at a time, he’d agreed to head out to check in at his office.
Now she breathed a sigh of relief at the silence and hoped it would be hours until she next heard a knock on the door. It was a whole lot easier to feel sorry for herself and guilty when she was alone.
The second ultrasound had shown the two remaining babies were doing very well. They seemed unaffected by what had happened to their sibling. One of her visitors— Nina, the nurse from the hospital—had brought over a chicken casserole and had explained about vanishing twins. That it wasn’t uncommon to lose one baby during gestation.
Pia appreciated the attempts to make her feel better, but right now she felt mired in guilt and depression. It was possible that in time she would feel better, but she couldn’t imagine that ever happening.
There was a knock on her front door.
“Come in,” she called, hoping she sounded at least slightly enthusiastic.
Denise Hendrix pushed open the door and walked into Pia’s living room.
“Hi,” she said, smiling gently. “How are you feeling?”
Pia shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Sad.”
“Sure you are. You’re going to be for a while.” Denise held up the grocery bag she had. “Ice cream. Nearly every Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Think of it as your dairy. I’ll go put it in the freezer.”
She returned in a few minutes. Instead of sitting in the chair opposite the sofa where Pia lay, Denise sat on the coffee table and leaned close.
“You look miserable,” she said flatly. “Like you lost your best friend.”
“Or killed her baby,” Pia murmured, then shook her head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.”
“You didn’t kill Crystal’s baby.”
“It feels like it. They weren’t real to me, Denise. I was going through the motions.”
“So? Why isn’t that enough? You’re growing children inside of you, not providing a spiritual education. Right now your only job is to take care of yourself and them to the best of your ability.” She sighed. “I raised six kids. Do you think I was fully present every second of every day? Do you think I liked it when the boys were fighting and the girls had colic? That I didn’t wish myself away to some tropical island with nothing more than a quiet room to sleep in and a good book to read?”
Pia blinked at her. “But you’re a great mom.”
“Thank you. I loved my kids and tried my best, but I wasn’t perfect. No one is. And if the babies you had implanted aren’t real to you, so what? You’ll get there. It’s not as if you’ve violated the universal pregnancy time line. This is a huge change in your life, Pia. You’ve given up so many things to honor your friend’s request. I liked Crystal a lot, but I have to tell you, there’s a part of me that thinks she had no right to do this to you.”
Pia felt her eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
“You don’t just leave someone embryos without talking to them first. It’s wrong. She should have talked to you, made sure this was what you wanted, too. She was asking a hell of a lot, and she didn’t give you the chance to say no.”
Pia hadn’t thought about it that way. “I could have walked away.”
“Walking away was a possibility, yes, but not for you. That’s not who you are. We all see it in how you are with this town. You get the details right, you do the work. And anyone who knows you personally, knows that you’ve been hurt by the people who were supposed to protect you. And that you would never do that to anyone else. You don’t need to worry about connecting with the babies you’re carrying. It will happen. The reason you’re sad is you’ve lost one of your children, as well. If this was just about Crystal, you’d only feel guilty.”
Pia turned the other woman’s words over in her mind. “You’re right,” she said slowly. “If I didn’t care, I guess I’d secretly be relieved. Two babies is going to be a lot easier than three. But I can’t get away from the sense of loss. And letting Crystal down.”
“This isn’t about your emotions. An embryo could have been lost at any point in the process. It’s a miracle all three of them got this far. Do you know how unlikely it was for you to get pregnant at all? You’ve done great.”
“Thanks.”
Somehow Denise had cut to the heart of the problem. In a way, exposing the issue to the light made Pia feel better.
“I worry that I won’t do a good job,” she admitted. “I’m not ready to buy maternity clothes or look at baby furniture.”
“Most women get married, then plan having a baby. This was thrust upon you without warning. You need time to catch up. As for maternity clothes, trust me, it won’t be long until you don’t have a choice.” She smiled. “The baby-furniture issue will take care of itself. Pretty soon you’ll have freakish hormones coursing through your body. You’ll be biologically compelled to nest. But until that happens, don’t sweat it. You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“I’ll try to do better.”
“I hope so. You’re going to be a great mother. You already are. If you need anything, you know we’ll all be there for you. This whole town loves you.”
The two women hugged. As Denise straightened, Pia heard footsteps on the stairs. Seconds later, Raoul entered the apartment.
He’d brought a small duffel with him. More clothes, she thought.
“Denise,” he said. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“I had to see our girl. She’s doing better.”
Raoul glanced at her anxiously. “I hope so.” He hesitated, then said, “I’m trying to convince her to move in with me, at least temporarily. My house is all one level.”
Pia rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”
“You can’t take the stairs.”
There was a difference between can’t and don’t want to, Pia thought. Although she was supposed to take it easy for the next few days, after that, there weren’t any restrictions. Which might be medically sound, but emotionally, the thought of taking stairs made her beyond nervous.
Denise glanced between them. “Pia, it might be a good idea. You’d be more relaxed if you didn’t have to worry about stairs. It’s only for a week or so, then you can move back.” She raised her eyebrows. “Although I’m not sure how long you’re going to want to climb those three flights as your pregnancy progresses.”
Raoul looked both pleading and smug. “See.”
It might be the practical solution, but Pia didn’t like it. Moving in with Raoul said something about their relationship. Or maybe it simply made things more real. Not that she’d been able to ignore the very large engagement ring on her left hand.
“I’ll think about it,” she promised. It was the best she could do.
Denise hugged her again. As she was bent over, she whispered, “He’s very handsome and doting. There are worse traits in a man.”
“I know. Thanks for coming by and talking to me.”
Denise kissed her forehead. “Anytime.” She straightened. “Take care of her. She’s precious to all of us.”
“I will,” Raoul told her, then walked her to the door.
They spoke for a few seconds. Pia couldn’t hear what they were saying, which was probably the point. She leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. Despite being exhausted, she couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Every time she tried, she flashed back to the sight of the blood on the chair and felt the same terror flooding her. Not exactly a sequence designed to get her to nod off.
He looked into her eyes. “Yes, I can.”
“I lost one of Crystal’s babies.”
“No,” he said quietly, for the first time understanding exactly what had happened. “We lost one of ours.”
Twins, he thought sadly. Twins, not triplets.
Her eyes widened. More tears came. “You’re right,” she said on a sob. “Oh, God. Make it come back.”
A prayer that would never be answered, he thought sadly as he held her.
They hung on to each other for a long time. When she seemed to have calmed down a little, he sat next to her on the bed and stroked her face.
“I look terrible,” she said. “Puffy and swollen and miserable.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re either a liar or you need your eyes checked.”
He gave her a smile, then let it fade. After kissing her mouth, he said, “Don’t for one minute think it’s your fault. It’s not. It can’t be. Blame comes with a deliberate action.”
He paused, then decided it was time. “You know that I was married before. Caro was a former beauty queen turned local news anchor. We met at a charity function in Dallas.”
Pia leaned back against her pillows. “Is it okay to hate her?”
“Sure.”
“Good. Because I do.”
At one time he had hated her more. But time had healed him. He would never understand, but he’d ceased wanting her punished.
“We were the perfect couple,” he continued. “Shortly after we got engaged, she was offered a job with a national affiliate in Los Angeles. Her career was important to her, so we moved to L.A. and during the season, I commuted.”
“That sounds very civilized.”
“It was. We talked about starting a family. We both wanted kids. One day I got a call that Caro was in the hospital. I came as fast as I could. I didn’t understand what was wrong and she didn’t want them to tell me.”
He could remember everything about that moment. Standing in the hallway, staring at a doctor who wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with his wife.
“I don’t understand,” Pia said. “The doctor wouldn’t tell you?”
“Not without her permission. I went into her room. She was pale. There were a couple of IVs and blood. I remember seeing the blood dripping into her.”
That had scared him the most. The thought that she might die.
He looked at Pia. “She’d had an abortion that afternoon and something had gone wrong. She’d been bleeding internally. She had surgery and was fine. That’s what she said. ‘I’m fine.’”
He shook his head. “I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She hadn’t told me. She said she wanted kids one day but not right then. Not when her career was going so well.” He turned away. “If she hadn’t ended up in the hospital, I never would have known. She made the decision without me. While I believe a woman has a right to choose, this was different. We were married. We were trying to have a kid—actively trying to get pregnant right then so I could be with her when it was born during the off-season. But it was all a lie.”
Pia’s breath caught. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. That Raoul’s wife had betrayed him, betrayed them that way. It was one thing to put off having kids, or to discuss an unexpected pregnancy, but to pretend to be trying for a baby, then abort it when it happened was inexcusable.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I know that’s a stupid thing to say, but I’m sorry.”
He turned back to her. She saw the hurt in his eyes and the loss.
“I’m sorry, too.”
They stared at each other, sharing their pain. Despite their practical arrangement, she’d never felt closer to him. More connected.
There was a short knock on the door. They both turned and saw Dr. Galloway walk in.
“Pia, my dear,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me, too.”
The doctor shook hands with Raoul, then moved to her side. “From what we can tell, the other two babies are hanging on just fine. They’re growing and look healthy.”
“You’re saying don’t give up hope.”
The older woman patted her shoulder. “I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about this. I want you to try to relax. You’ll stay here tonight and we’ll do another ultrasound in the morning. I expect everything will be fine and you’ll go home. There’s no reason for us to believe you’ll have any other problems, but we’ll take precautions, just to be sure.”
Pia nodded.
“I’m going to have the kitchen send up some dinner. I want you to eat. Do you promise?”
“Yes.”
“I’m staying,” Raoul said firmly. “I’ll make sure she eats.”
“I suspect you will,” the doctor said cheerfully. “All right, Pia. Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Dr. Galloway’s mouth straightened. “No blaming yourself for this, hear me?”
“I’ll try.”
When the doctor left, Raoul moved to her side again.
“We’ll get through this,” he promised.
“I know.”
Having him here helped, she thought, relaxing back against the pillows. He was someone she could depend on, and right now that seemed like the best thing of all.
PIA STRETCHED OUT ON the sofa and tried to get comfortable. It wasn’t that she was hurting, she just felt weird inside. Unsettled. Afraid. Unworthy. Not exactly emotions designed to make her day restful.
She’d come home from the hospital that morning. It had taken a while to convince Raoul that it was perfectly safe to leave her for a few hours. Actually, it hadn’t been her words that had done the trick—instead it had been the steady stream of visitors, showing up with flowers, cards, food and baby gifts for the remaining twins. When he’d figured out she was unlikely to be alone for more than a few minutes at a time, he’d agreed to head out to check in at his office.
Now she breathed a sigh of relief at the silence and hoped it would be hours until she next heard a knock on the door. It was a whole lot easier to feel sorry for herself and guilty when she was alone.
The second ultrasound had shown the two remaining babies were doing very well. They seemed unaffected by what had happened to their sibling. One of her visitors— Nina, the nurse from the hospital—had brought over a chicken casserole and had explained about vanishing twins. That it wasn’t uncommon to lose one baby during gestation.
Pia appreciated the attempts to make her feel better, but right now she felt mired in guilt and depression. It was possible that in time she would feel better, but she couldn’t imagine that ever happening.
There was a knock on her front door.
“Come in,” she called, hoping she sounded at least slightly enthusiastic.
Denise Hendrix pushed open the door and walked into Pia’s living room.
“Hi,” she said, smiling gently. “How are you feeling?”
Pia shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Sad.”
“Sure you are. You’re going to be for a while.” Denise held up the grocery bag she had. “Ice cream. Nearly every Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Think of it as your dairy. I’ll go put it in the freezer.”
She returned in a few minutes. Instead of sitting in the chair opposite the sofa where Pia lay, Denise sat on the coffee table and leaned close.
“You look miserable,” she said flatly. “Like you lost your best friend.”
“Or killed her baby,” Pia murmured, then shook her head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.”
“You didn’t kill Crystal’s baby.”
“It feels like it. They weren’t real to me, Denise. I was going through the motions.”
“So? Why isn’t that enough? You’re growing children inside of you, not providing a spiritual education. Right now your only job is to take care of yourself and them to the best of your ability.” She sighed. “I raised six kids. Do you think I was fully present every second of every day? Do you think I liked it when the boys were fighting and the girls had colic? That I didn’t wish myself away to some tropical island with nothing more than a quiet room to sleep in and a good book to read?”
Pia blinked at her. “But you’re a great mom.”
“Thank you. I loved my kids and tried my best, but I wasn’t perfect. No one is. And if the babies you had implanted aren’t real to you, so what? You’ll get there. It’s not as if you’ve violated the universal pregnancy time line. This is a huge change in your life, Pia. You’ve given up so many things to honor your friend’s request. I liked Crystal a lot, but I have to tell you, there’s a part of me that thinks she had no right to do this to you.”
Pia felt her eyes widen. “What are you talking about?”
“You don’t just leave someone embryos without talking to them first. It’s wrong. She should have talked to you, made sure this was what you wanted, too. She was asking a hell of a lot, and she didn’t give you the chance to say no.”
Pia hadn’t thought about it that way. “I could have walked away.”
“Walking away was a possibility, yes, but not for you. That’s not who you are. We all see it in how you are with this town. You get the details right, you do the work. And anyone who knows you personally, knows that you’ve been hurt by the people who were supposed to protect you. And that you would never do that to anyone else. You don’t need to worry about connecting with the babies you’re carrying. It will happen. The reason you’re sad is you’ve lost one of your children, as well. If this was just about Crystal, you’d only feel guilty.”
Pia turned the other woman’s words over in her mind. “You’re right,” she said slowly. “If I didn’t care, I guess I’d secretly be relieved. Two babies is going to be a lot easier than three. But I can’t get away from the sense of loss. And letting Crystal down.”
“This isn’t about your emotions. An embryo could have been lost at any point in the process. It’s a miracle all three of them got this far. Do you know how unlikely it was for you to get pregnant at all? You’ve done great.”
“Thanks.”
Somehow Denise had cut to the heart of the problem. In a way, exposing the issue to the light made Pia feel better.
“I worry that I won’t do a good job,” she admitted. “I’m not ready to buy maternity clothes or look at baby furniture.”
“Most women get married, then plan having a baby. This was thrust upon you without warning. You need time to catch up. As for maternity clothes, trust me, it won’t be long until you don’t have a choice.” She smiled. “The baby-furniture issue will take care of itself. Pretty soon you’ll have freakish hormones coursing through your body. You’ll be biologically compelled to nest. But until that happens, don’t sweat it. You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“I’ll try to do better.”
“I hope so. You’re going to be a great mother. You already are. If you need anything, you know we’ll all be there for you. This whole town loves you.”
The two women hugged. As Denise straightened, Pia heard footsteps on the stairs. Seconds later, Raoul entered the apartment.
He’d brought a small duffel with him. More clothes, she thought.
“Denise,” he said. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“I had to see our girl. She’s doing better.”
Raoul glanced at her anxiously. “I hope so.” He hesitated, then said, “I’m trying to convince her to move in with me, at least temporarily. My house is all one level.”
Pia rolled her eyes. “I’m fine.”
“You can’t take the stairs.”
There was a difference between can’t and don’t want to, Pia thought. Although she was supposed to take it easy for the next few days, after that, there weren’t any restrictions. Which might be medically sound, but emotionally, the thought of taking stairs made her beyond nervous.
Denise glanced between them. “Pia, it might be a good idea. You’d be more relaxed if you didn’t have to worry about stairs. It’s only for a week or so, then you can move back.” She raised her eyebrows. “Although I’m not sure how long you’re going to want to climb those three flights as your pregnancy progresses.”
Raoul looked both pleading and smug. “See.”
It might be the practical solution, but Pia didn’t like it. Moving in with Raoul said something about their relationship. Or maybe it simply made things more real. Not that she’d been able to ignore the very large engagement ring on her left hand.
“I’ll think about it,” she promised. It was the best she could do.
Denise hugged her again. As she was bent over, she whispered, “He’s very handsome and doting. There are worse traits in a man.”
“I know. Thanks for coming by and talking to me.”
Denise kissed her forehead. “Anytime.” She straightened. “Take care of her. She’s precious to all of us.”
“I will,” Raoul told her, then walked her to the door.
They spoke for a few seconds. Pia couldn’t hear what they were saying, which was probably the point. She leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. Despite being exhausted, she couldn’t seem to fall asleep. Every time she tried, she flashed back to the sight of the blood on the chair and felt the same terror flooding her. Not exactly a sequence designed to get her to nod off.
