Finn
Page 47
My face must show that I have no idea what she's talking about because she gets up. "Tank told me he's invited you to dinner with us a few times but you're always too busy."
Her eyes are kind and I could easily take the out that she's given me. But I'm tired of allowing other people to make excuses for my bad behavior.
"My brother was trying to keep me from looking like a selfish jerk. I'm not too busy, I've just been too wrapped up in my own shit to care about being a real part of this family. I'm sorry for that. I'm going to try to do better."
Emma looks stunned but recovers quickly. "I'm really glad to hear that. Why don't we go into the kitchen? I'm sure Claire is going to be really happy to see you."
I walk beside her and then it occurs to me how odd it is for her not to be in the kitchen anyway. "What are you doing out here? Did Mom banish you from the kitchen again?"
She looks at me from the corner of her eye. "Maybe."
"So, you're using me as an excuse to get back in there?"
"Hey, don’t judge me."
We're still laughing when we enter the kitchen. Mom is at the stove stirring something. She looks up and when she sees Emma, she frowns. "You're supposed to be reading a magazine!"
Emma holds up her hands. "I'm not interfering, I promise. I was just coming in to tell you that Finn is here. That's all."
Mom narrows her eyes at Emma playfully. "I know you're dying to get in here and take over."
Emma pouts. "It's your dinner. I promised I wouldn't interfere and I won't."
Mom shakes her head. "Go ahead. I know it's killing you."
We watch as Emma runs over to the pot and tastes whatever's on the spoon. She reaches for some kind of spice on the counter and shakes a little in.
I look over at Mom. "Well, that made her happy."
"You've made me happy. I'm glad to see you here. But you don't look right. What's happened?" Suddenly she looks behind me expectantly. "Did you bring Marissa with you?"
I shake my head and she seems to instantly know. She turns to Emma who is still happily puttering behind the stove. "Emma, sweetheart would you mind keeping an eye on things? I'm going to sit down."
Then she pulls me into the living room and pushes me toward the sofa with more strength than I would have expected.
"Finn Marshall, you tell me what you did!"
I've never been good at explaining myself and this situation is strangely reminiscent of when I used to get in trouble as a kid.
"I hurt her."
The whole story comes spilling out and to her credit, Mom doesn't interrupt me. I go through the whole thing from my plan to rub Rissa's face in my newfound wealth, to our run ins with her ex, to falling in love with her and even the night I was higher than a kite and scared her to death. Mom listens to it all, sitting quietly on the couch next to me, her hands folded neatly in her lap.
I've just finished telling her about how Rissa found out about it all when she finally speaks.
"I always thought something was wrong between Andrew and Rissa. After you guys broke up and you deployed again, she never really looked happy. But I'm really surprised by this Finn. I raised you better than this."
I hang my head, knowing that her shame in my behavior is completely warranted.
"You've hurt a really lovely young woman and all because of pride. I'm sure that you want to get her back but I don't think you're in a place to even think about that yet."
I glance over at her. "But I have to make her see. She'll hate me if I can't find a way to explain this."
"Love is a powerful thing and I think that if you give her some time and show her through your actions that you've changed, that she might be able to forgive you. But the most important thing is that you're not healthy. And you haven't addressed that." She pulls me into a hug. "I blame myself for some of this. I knew that something wasn't right. All those pills disappearing. I think in my heart, I knew and I just didn't want to see it."
"It's not your fault, Mom. I only took the unfinished bottles when you got a new prescription. There's no way you could have known that. You've got more than enough on your own plate worrying about your own health."
She pins me with a hard look. "I'm a mother. Our plates expand. There's never so much going on that I don't worry about my children. That will never change."
I think about all the things she's gone through in her life. She was abandoned by my father, worked all sorts of jobs including a stint as a stripper to support us. Through it all, my mother has never lost her dignity. Because she was doing it all to protect her family. The only person I've been protecting all this time is myself.
"I looked up rehab centers. There's a private clinic in West Haven that can admit me next week. I have to get help. I was planning to do that even before Rissa found out about this."
Saying it out loud is a little scary but it also strengthens my resolve. I want to be the kind of person that my family, that Rissa can be proud of. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. Going into rehab is the only way I can make that happen.
She nods and then puts her hand on my shoulder. "We'll be there for you, you know that. No matter what. But nothing else you do will matter if you don't get yourself healthy first."
Tank appears in the doorway. "Hey, man. When did you get here?" The strange hairless cat he adopted when he first started dating Emma winds around his legs and then disappears behind the recliner in the corner.
Her eyes are kind and I could easily take the out that she's given me. But I'm tired of allowing other people to make excuses for my bad behavior.
"My brother was trying to keep me from looking like a selfish jerk. I'm not too busy, I've just been too wrapped up in my own shit to care about being a real part of this family. I'm sorry for that. I'm going to try to do better."
Emma looks stunned but recovers quickly. "I'm really glad to hear that. Why don't we go into the kitchen? I'm sure Claire is going to be really happy to see you."
I walk beside her and then it occurs to me how odd it is for her not to be in the kitchen anyway. "What are you doing out here? Did Mom banish you from the kitchen again?"
She looks at me from the corner of her eye. "Maybe."
"So, you're using me as an excuse to get back in there?"
"Hey, don’t judge me."
We're still laughing when we enter the kitchen. Mom is at the stove stirring something. She looks up and when she sees Emma, she frowns. "You're supposed to be reading a magazine!"
Emma holds up her hands. "I'm not interfering, I promise. I was just coming in to tell you that Finn is here. That's all."
Mom narrows her eyes at Emma playfully. "I know you're dying to get in here and take over."
Emma pouts. "It's your dinner. I promised I wouldn't interfere and I won't."
Mom shakes her head. "Go ahead. I know it's killing you."
We watch as Emma runs over to the pot and tastes whatever's on the spoon. She reaches for some kind of spice on the counter and shakes a little in.
I look over at Mom. "Well, that made her happy."
"You've made me happy. I'm glad to see you here. But you don't look right. What's happened?" Suddenly she looks behind me expectantly. "Did you bring Marissa with you?"
I shake my head and she seems to instantly know. She turns to Emma who is still happily puttering behind the stove. "Emma, sweetheart would you mind keeping an eye on things? I'm going to sit down."
Then she pulls me into the living room and pushes me toward the sofa with more strength than I would have expected.
"Finn Marshall, you tell me what you did!"
I've never been good at explaining myself and this situation is strangely reminiscent of when I used to get in trouble as a kid.
"I hurt her."
The whole story comes spilling out and to her credit, Mom doesn't interrupt me. I go through the whole thing from my plan to rub Rissa's face in my newfound wealth, to our run ins with her ex, to falling in love with her and even the night I was higher than a kite and scared her to death. Mom listens to it all, sitting quietly on the couch next to me, her hands folded neatly in her lap.
I've just finished telling her about how Rissa found out about it all when she finally speaks.
"I always thought something was wrong between Andrew and Rissa. After you guys broke up and you deployed again, she never really looked happy. But I'm really surprised by this Finn. I raised you better than this."
I hang my head, knowing that her shame in my behavior is completely warranted.
"You've hurt a really lovely young woman and all because of pride. I'm sure that you want to get her back but I don't think you're in a place to even think about that yet."
I glance over at her. "But I have to make her see. She'll hate me if I can't find a way to explain this."
"Love is a powerful thing and I think that if you give her some time and show her through your actions that you've changed, that she might be able to forgive you. But the most important thing is that you're not healthy. And you haven't addressed that." She pulls me into a hug. "I blame myself for some of this. I knew that something wasn't right. All those pills disappearing. I think in my heart, I knew and I just didn't want to see it."
"It's not your fault, Mom. I only took the unfinished bottles when you got a new prescription. There's no way you could have known that. You've got more than enough on your own plate worrying about your own health."
She pins me with a hard look. "I'm a mother. Our plates expand. There's never so much going on that I don't worry about my children. That will never change."
I think about all the things she's gone through in her life. She was abandoned by my father, worked all sorts of jobs including a stint as a stripper to support us. Through it all, my mother has never lost her dignity. Because she was doing it all to protect her family. The only person I've been protecting all this time is myself.
"I looked up rehab centers. There's a private clinic in West Haven that can admit me next week. I have to get help. I was planning to do that even before Rissa found out about this."
Saying it out loud is a little scary but it also strengthens my resolve. I want to be the kind of person that my family, that Rissa can be proud of. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. Going into rehab is the only way I can make that happen.
She nods and then puts her hand on my shoulder. "We'll be there for you, you know that. No matter what. But nothing else you do will matter if you don't get yourself healthy first."
Tank appears in the doorway. "Hey, man. When did you get here?" The strange hairless cat he adopted when he first started dating Emma winds around his legs and then disappears behind the recliner in the corner.
