Finn
Page 52
"He did. I was hurt at first but after I thought about it, I understood. Getting clean had to be about you. Not about us." She lifts her head and wraps both arms around my waist. "I'm so glad you're back. I missed you."
"I missed you, too. You have no idea."
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"Are you in pain?" she whispers.
"Every day."
She looks down at my leg. I made the choice to walk unassisted today. One of the most important parts of detoxing was focusing on the physical symptoms that my addiction was masking. I've been working with a physical therapist. That's something that I should have been doing all along but it was just easier to take the pills and forget the pain.
I can't pretend that it's been easy. Several times over the last six weeks, I've wondered why I ever thought that I could survive unmedicated. But now that I've seen how much I've been missing out on, how much life has been passing me by, I know I'll never go back. My leg still hurts but I've been embracing the pain. It keeps me grounded. It makes me focus. It reminds me that I'm alive.
And it reminds me how lucky I am to be here.
Rissa clenches her hands into fists as if she's trying not to reach out and grab me again. "You should be using your cane."
"I wasn't talking about my leg."
Her eyes meet mine. "I didn't think you were coming back. I really thought that maybe this was just some kind of sign that we're not good for each other and that we're better off apart."
"After everything, all the surgeries and the pain, I struggled for months to come to terms with what I lost. But what I really lost wasn't physical. It was you. And nothing I've done since has ever healed the wound. You are the phantom pain that I cannot escape."
"And you are the piece of my heart that I lost and then found again. What a pair we make." A tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. She swipes it away. "We're a little screwed up, huh?"
I laugh. "A little but that's okay. We make each other better. Because I know for sure you're what got me through the past six weeks. Reading your messages got me through each day."
"Me too. The first thing I did each morning was check my phone for another message from you."
I grab her hand and lead her back toward the car. "Come for a ride with me?"
"Well, I was supposed to be going on a job but somehow Tara and I got our schedules confused, so she’s covering it tonight. I was just going in to the office to catch up on some paperwork. But I’m more than happy to play hooky with you. Where are we going?"
"Back to my place. I want to show you all the changes I made."
Jonah opens the door for us and Rissa slides in first. Once I get in, she plasters herself against my side. I look down at her in amusement. She's feeling as giddy as I am.
When we arrive at my building, we walk through the lobby arm in arm. Rissa grins up at me. "I can't wait to see what you've done. I've missed being here with you.”
I know it's hard for her to say it. Insecurity is one of the things we talked about. But after today she'll know that she has nothing to be insecure about. After today she'll know without a shadow of a doubt exactly where she belongs.
I open the door with my key and then let her walk in first. She enters and looks around curiously. Then she stops and looks over her shoulder at me.
"Okay, what's going on?"
I gaze back at her innocently. "What do you mean?"
She gestures around her. "You said you made changes. But it's still completely empty."
I walk over to the kitchen counter. The only furniture I kept was the barstools that sit at this counter. I pick up the wrapped box sitting in one of the seats.
"I did buy something for this place. Something that changes everything." I hand her the box.
She covers her mouth with her hand. “Oh Finn. What did you do?”
"Open the box," I whisper. "Right now."
"Bossy," she mouths. Then she pulls the little bow off and pulls off the top. Inside is a plain black jewelers box. When she looks over at me, I'm watching her closely.
"I really hope you don't want me to get down on one knee for this part. Because I might not be able to get back up."
"Finn?" She's half crying, half laughing now. After another exasperated look my way she finally opens the box and then gasps. "Wow."
"Yeah, I might have gone a little overboard but I want everyone who sees you to know the truth."
"What's that?" she asks, her eyes sparkling.
"That you are loved. That you are mine."
She throws herself into my arms and kisses me. All that physical therapy was definitely worth it, I think as I carry her back to the bedroom. I set her down gently on the bed and then climb up next to her, tucking her under my arm.
"You never explained why this place is still so empty." She looks at me quizzically.
"When I was deciding what I wanted to change, I realized that there was only one thing I needed to turn this place into a home. And that's you.”
She pulls me down for a soft kiss. “You're going to make me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I missed being here so much. But it's not about where we are. I just want to be with you.”
“Being with you is all I want, too. As long as you're here, I'm happy. So you can choose to decorate this place however you want."
"I missed you, too. You have no idea."
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"Are you in pain?" she whispers.
"Every day."
She looks down at my leg. I made the choice to walk unassisted today. One of the most important parts of detoxing was focusing on the physical symptoms that my addiction was masking. I've been working with a physical therapist. That's something that I should have been doing all along but it was just easier to take the pills and forget the pain.
I can't pretend that it's been easy. Several times over the last six weeks, I've wondered why I ever thought that I could survive unmedicated. But now that I've seen how much I've been missing out on, how much life has been passing me by, I know I'll never go back. My leg still hurts but I've been embracing the pain. It keeps me grounded. It makes me focus. It reminds me that I'm alive.
And it reminds me how lucky I am to be here.
Rissa clenches her hands into fists as if she's trying not to reach out and grab me again. "You should be using your cane."
"I wasn't talking about my leg."
Her eyes meet mine. "I didn't think you were coming back. I really thought that maybe this was just some kind of sign that we're not good for each other and that we're better off apart."
"After everything, all the surgeries and the pain, I struggled for months to come to terms with what I lost. But what I really lost wasn't physical. It was you. And nothing I've done since has ever healed the wound. You are the phantom pain that I cannot escape."
"And you are the piece of my heart that I lost and then found again. What a pair we make." A tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. She swipes it away. "We're a little screwed up, huh?"
I laugh. "A little but that's okay. We make each other better. Because I know for sure you're what got me through the past six weeks. Reading your messages got me through each day."
"Me too. The first thing I did each morning was check my phone for another message from you."
I grab her hand and lead her back toward the car. "Come for a ride with me?"
"Well, I was supposed to be going on a job but somehow Tara and I got our schedules confused, so she’s covering it tonight. I was just going in to the office to catch up on some paperwork. But I’m more than happy to play hooky with you. Where are we going?"
"Back to my place. I want to show you all the changes I made."
Jonah opens the door for us and Rissa slides in first. Once I get in, she plasters herself against my side. I look down at her in amusement. She's feeling as giddy as I am.
When we arrive at my building, we walk through the lobby arm in arm. Rissa grins up at me. "I can't wait to see what you've done. I've missed being here with you.”
I know it's hard for her to say it. Insecurity is one of the things we talked about. But after today she'll know that she has nothing to be insecure about. After today she'll know without a shadow of a doubt exactly where she belongs.
I open the door with my key and then let her walk in first. She enters and looks around curiously. Then she stops and looks over her shoulder at me.
"Okay, what's going on?"
I gaze back at her innocently. "What do you mean?"
She gestures around her. "You said you made changes. But it's still completely empty."
I walk over to the kitchen counter. The only furniture I kept was the barstools that sit at this counter. I pick up the wrapped box sitting in one of the seats.
"I did buy something for this place. Something that changes everything." I hand her the box.
She covers her mouth with her hand. “Oh Finn. What did you do?”
"Open the box," I whisper. "Right now."
"Bossy," she mouths. Then she pulls the little bow off and pulls off the top. Inside is a plain black jewelers box. When she looks over at me, I'm watching her closely.
"I really hope you don't want me to get down on one knee for this part. Because I might not be able to get back up."
"Finn?" She's half crying, half laughing now. After another exasperated look my way she finally opens the box and then gasps. "Wow."
"Yeah, I might have gone a little overboard but I want everyone who sees you to know the truth."
"What's that?" she asks, her eyes sparkling.
"That you are loved. That you are mine."
She throws herself into my arms and kisses me. All that physical therapy was definitely worth it, I think as I carry her back to the bedroom. I set her down gently on the bed and then climb up next to her, tucking her under my arm.
"You never explained why this place is still so empty." She looks at me quizzically.
"When I was deciding what I wanted to change, I realized that there was only one thing I needed to turn this place into a home. And that's you.”
She pulls me down for a soft kiss. “You're going to make me cry. That's exactly how I feel. I missed being here so much. But it's not about where we are. I just want to be with you.”
“Being with you is all I want, too. As long as you're here, I'm happy. So you can choose to decorate this place however you want."
