First Debt
Page 24
My heart exploded.
Finally. Confirmation.
Every day you do…
Not say, or text, or imply. Do—as in action—physical.
My hands shook as I replied.
Needle&Thread: Perhaps you need to drop your guard, in order to see in to others. You’re just as complex, just as confounding.
The second I pressed send, I panicked. He’d admitted we knew each other. I’d admitted it, too. This anonymous freedom was now a knowledgeable cage.
Kite007: Tell me one thing you’ve lied about. Tell me the truth. Let me see what you’re hiding.
My brain smarted. There were so many secrets, too many puzzles. I’d changed so much; I no longer knew what I should hide. The little kitten who didn’t have claws would’ve curled into a ball at such a revealing question, but that was no longer an option, and I didn’t want it to be.
I was no longer afraid of diving deep and finding out who I truly was.
Needle&Thread: You want something real? I’ve only come once in my life, and it was just a few days ago.
It seemed like a small confession, but it was huge after all my fibbing of releases and kinky messages.
Kite007: How is that even possible? What was with all the other fucking releases you had? I thought you were a master at self-pleasure.
Needle&Thread: You’re asking questions that will lead to finding out who I am. Are you ready for that, Kite? Truly? No turning back once you do.
Radio silence.
Typical.
He’d run again.
My fingers hovered over the keys, determined not to end this. Not when we were so close to admitting this charade.
Needle&Thread: I could continue pretending I’m the masturbating minx you think I am or be honest with you. Again, your choice.
I rolled my eyes. He’s a Hawk. Maybe he already knew everything about me? They’d probably had my family under surveillance for years. Maybe that was the whole reason why Kes messaged me on a wrong number—to drip-feed Jethro information on how pathetic and hopeless I was.
I slumped against my pillows. It made sense. And hurt far too much.
Kite007: Masturbating minx? I like that title.
My eyes flared; my stomach twisted with eagerness.
Kite007: I need to know more. Stick to the subject and give me the truth. Nothing more. Nothing less. What were you doing when you said you came?
My heart raced.
Needle&Thread: Releases for me were found either on my treadmill or from working until my brain was numb.
Five minutes passed.
Kite007: And the only time you came? How did that happen?
As if you don’t know.
Suddenly, I was over it all. Over the fibs, the half-truths, the veiled secrets. He knew how it happened. He’d watched his damn brother stick his tongue between my legs and make me combust.
Needle&Thread: I came with the tongue of my enemy between my legs. He drove me so damn high and hard that I gave him a piece of myself no one else ever had, and he used it as a weapon against me. There, you happy?
My chest rose and fell. Arguing via faceless messages wasn’t enough. I wanted to strike and hurt and scream.
Kite007: If you were here with me, I’d give you your second release. I’d finger you until you were soaking, then I’d do what I’ve wanted to fucking do since I set eyes on you.
My mouth went terribly dry.
Needle&Thread: What have you wanted to do?
Kite007: I want to feel how tight you are. I want to experience your wet heat as I fill you. I want to give you my cock, Needle. Would you let me?
Oh, my God. My body turned boneless with desire.
Another message from a different sender arrived.
Textile: Nila? I understand why you haven’t replied to me, but I thought you should know that V and I are closer to figuring a way to end this ridiculous nightmare. Don’t lose hope, sweetheart. I love you so much.
Oh, bad timing, father. Seriously bad timing.
My lust turned to smouldering rage.
Ridiculous? He thought this was ridiculous? This debt that killed my mother and all the firstborn women in my family tree was ridiculous?
I laughed at his choice of words. This wasn’t ridiculous; it was insane.
Needle&Thread: Father, you let them take me. You knew all along they were coming, yet you did nothing to protect me. You handed me over like a fattened calf with no tears or violence. How can you say you’re coming for me? How can you say you love me? I’m not losing hope. I’m building my own brand of hope, and for the first time in my life, it doesn’t hinge on you. Leave me the hell alone.
I shook hard when I pressed send. I’d never spoken to my father that way before. Never been so disrespectful. It made me feel sick but also free. Free from the fear of disappointing him.
Because he’d disappointed me first.
Kite007: Would you let me fuck you? Would you break the rules and give me what I need so fucking much?
My mind swarmed with images of sleeping with Kestrel, but try as I might, all I could see was Jethro. All I could feel was Jethro. All I wanted was Jethro.
Shit.
I wanted to throw my damn phone against the wall.
Needle&Thread: Answer me one question before I give you an answer.
Kite007: What?
Taking a deep breath, I typed:
Needle&Thread: Would you kiss me first? Or is that against the rules?
A minute. Then two.
Kite007: I wouldn’t just kiss you. I would hold your cheeks and worship your mouth. I would devour your lips and make drunken love to your tongue. I would fucking inhale you, so you would live forever in my lungs.
I couldn’t move.
Yet another difference between the Hawk brothers. One would kiss me, and one went out of his way to avoid it. One would adore me until the day of my death, and one would probably dance upon my grave because it meant his obligations were complete.
My heart crumbled into dust.
I couldn’t—I couldn’t do this anymore.
Turning my phone around, I undid the case, tore the battery out, and dumped the dismantled device into the drawer of the bedside table.
I didn’t care about replying.
I didn’t care if my silence hurt his feelings.
All I cared about was nursing the cyclonic pain inside me.
And trying to forget all about Jethro fucking Hawk.
The next morning, I was showered and clothed in a black maxi dress with a sequined orchid on the chest and purple ballet slippers.
I needed some space and planned to go for a walk around the estate. I still hadn’t turned my phone on and had no desire to do so. It was still in pieces in the drawer. For now, I didn’t care about the outside world or even Kite’s reply.
I didn’t care.
It was liberating.
Sitting on the end of my bed, I quickly plaited my hair and draped the long rope over my shoulder.
My head wrenched up as the door to my room slammed open.
“What the—”
Jethro stood breathing hard in the doorway. My cold-hearted nemesis wore black jeans and a grey t-shirt—seriously, didn’t he own any other colours?
“Where do you think you’re going?” His voice was gravel and granite and ice.
I stood up, planting my hands on my hips. “Good morning to you, too. If you must know, master, it’s time for my walk. I’m a good little pet, you see. Making sure I have my daily exercise.”
I knew I played with fire, or ice as the case might be, but I really didn’t give a damn.
The previous night in his office had broken something inside me and Kes/Kite had finished me off with talks of wanting me.
I couldn’t decipher my panic last night when Kite said he would kiss me—my sudden terror hadn’t made sense. But now it did.
If I let myself fall into Kes’s/Kite’s trap of kindness, I would lose everything I’d fought to gain. And I wasn’t willing to give that up. I was selfish and liked this new Nila. And if that meant I had to keep my distance from kind-hearted people and only surround myself with bastards, then so be it.
Jethro would be the only one permitted to spike my heart and draw reluctant wetness. No one else.
“Careful, Ms. Weaver,” Jethro murmured. Stalking into the room, he kicked the door closed behind him.
His presence was a challenge, and I was prepared to meet it. Crossing the small distance between us, we met in the middle of the carpet; every muscle tense and ready to fight.
His nostrils flared, golden eyes delving deeply into mine. “I thought you’d be hiding under your bed after your debacle in my office.”
I shrugged. “Everyone has a limit, and I crossed mine. Unluckily for you, my limit has now increased, so don’t expect me to break again anytime soon.” I smiled, thinking of my reply to my father. I’d finally had the balls to tell him to leave me alone. Jethro would be no different.
I was prepared to unplug him, just like I’d unplugged my phone.
Taking another step, my fingertips landed on his chest, dipping coyly to his belt. His eyes flared, but he held his ground. “Thank you for pushing me, Jethro. Without you, I would still be terrified. But now I feel surprisingly…calm.”
A calm where I’d stopped fretting over the future. A calm where I was just as volatile and just as unhinged as they were.
“I can’t keep up with you.” His voice was dark with a trace of anger. He cocked his head, his salt-and-pepper hair catching the morning sun glinting through the window. “You’ve surprised me again, Ms. Weaver, and once again, I don’t like it.” He leaned forward, his lips so close to mine. “I’m beginning to wonder if everything I know about you is a lie.”
I stood firm. “You don’t know a thing about me.”
Why does this conversation sound like the one I had yesterday by phone?
He chuckled. “We Hawks have our ways. I know more than you think.”
His cryptic comment didn’t derail me. He’d read Kite’s messages. He knew everything about me that I’d meant for a perfect stranger.
I stared harder, trying to uncover his many, many layers. But it was pointless—like staring into a black lake with no reflection other than myself.
“Come. It’s time for Gemstone and breakfast.” He smiled coldly. “I have no doubt you’ll be starving after your…what was that? Would you prefer the word breakdown or hysterics?”
I straightened my shoulders. “Neither.”
“You have to pick one.”
“No, I don’t. If you want me to define it, I’ll call it my way of saying goodbye.”
He jerked. “Goodbye?” His knuckles went white as his hands clenched into fists. “To whom?”
My eyes tightened, trying to read him. He played the perfect part. If he knew Kestrel messaged me, he hid his deception so well—too well. The perfect liar.
“To my past, to who I used to be, to a friend called Kite.”
The reaction was subtle.
The small intake of breath. The slight whitening of his face. The indiscernible flinch of his muscles.
Then it was gone, hidden beneath the snowy exterior he held so well. “Ah yes, the James Bond idiot, 007. The same idiot who just can’t seem to stop messaging you.” Moving quickly, he grabbed my elbow, dragging me toward the door. “Well, I’m glad you said your goodbyes. Nothing worse than dying with unfinished business.” His smile sent gale-force winds howling through my suddenly torn-open chest.
I slammed to a halt. “You can’t help yourself, can you?”
He paused, forehead furrowed.
“You just have to be so damn cruel.”
He sighed dramatically, backing me away from the door and toward the centre of the room again. “I’m not cruel.”
I laughed. “Says the heartless human who probably doesn’t have a reflection when he stares in the mirror.”
He took another threatening step. I took one, too. Backing away from him, waltzing slowly around the room as hunter and prey.
“You’re saying I’m soulless?”
I nodded. “Completely soulless.”
He smirked. “Okay, try me. Ask me to do something. Make me prove to you that I have a soul.”
I frowned. “Like what?”
He took another step, pressing me closer to the bed. The anger throbbing around him switched to sexual interest. My breathing picked up as his golden eyes darkened. “You’re the one who needs proof, Ms. Weaver. You make the choice.”
What could I make him do?
What would prove he had a heart and my resolution to seduce him would actually work?
I know.
The one thing that seemed to be the epicentre of whatever I was trying to do.
I stopped retreating, locking my knees to prevent myself from losing confidence and running. “I have something. A test. It will prove you’re not the monster I think you are.”
He came closer, a slow smile spreading his lips. “Go on.”
I balled my hands, taking a deep breath. The precipice opened wide. I took a leap of faith and leapt. “Kiss me.”
The oxygen in the room disappeared. My heart erupted into flurries.
Jethro froze. “Excuse me?”
Standing tall, I said, “You’ve come so close to kissing me. By the stables, in the forest, when you made me pay the First Debt, even in your office. I’m done with your teasing, Jethro. I’m done with you pulling away whenever things get interesting. I want to know why.”
Jethro’s hands clenched by his sides. “And you think a stupid kiss will prove—what will it prove?”
I narrowed my eyes. “That you’re not as cold as you think you are. That you do care—care enough to be affected by kissing your arch enemy.”
Jethro laughed, but it was laced with uncertainty and…was that fear? “I’m not kissing you to prove such a ridiculous point.”
Finally. Confirmation.
Every day you do…
Not say, or text, or imply. Do—as in action—physical.
My hands shook as I replied.
Needle&Thread: Perhaps you need to drop your guard, in order to see in to others. You’re just as complex, just as confounding.
The second I pressed send, I panicked. He’d admitted we knew each other. I’d admitted it, too. This anonymous freedom was now a knowledgeable cage.
Kite007: Tell me one thing you’ve lied about. Tell me the truth. Let me see what you’re hiding.
My brain smarted. There were so many secrets, too many puzzles. I’d changed so much; I no longer knew what I should hide. The little kitten who didn’t have claws would’ve curled into a ball at such a revealing question, but that was no longer an option, and I didn’t want it to be.
I was no longer afraid of diving deep and finding out who I truly was.
Needle&Thread: You want something real? I’ve only come once in my life, and it was just a few days ago.
It seemed like a small confession, but it was huge after all my fibbing of releases and kinky messages.
Kite007: How is that even possible? What was with all the other fucking releases you had? I thought you were a master at self-pleasure.
Needle&Thread: You’re asking questions that will lead to finding out who I am. Are you ready for that, Kite? Truly? No turning back once you do.
Radio silence.
Typical.
He’d run again.
My fingers hovered over the keys, determined not to end this. Not when we were so close to admitting this charade.
Needle&Thread: I could continue pretending I’m the masturbating minx you think I am or be honest with you. Again, your choice.
I rolled my eyes. He’s a Hawk. Maybe he already knew everything about me? They’d probably had my family under surveillance for years. Maybe that was the whole reason why Kes messaged me on a wrong number—to drip-feed Jethro information on how pathetic and hopeless I was.
I slumped against my pillows. It made sense. And hurt far too much.
Kite007: Masturbating minx? I like that title.
My eyes flared; my stomach twisted with eagerness.
Kite007: I need to know more. Stick to the subject and give me the truth. Nothing more. Nothing less. What were you doing when you said you came?
My heart raced.
Needle&Thread: Releases for me were found either on my treadmill or from working until my brain was numb.
Five minutes passed.
Kite007: And the only time you came? How did that happen?
As if you don’t know.
Suddenly, I was over it all. Over the fibs, the half-truths, the veiled secrets. He knew how it happened. He’d watched his damn brother stick his tongue between my legs and make me combust.
Needle&Thread: I came with the tongue of my enemy between my legs. He drove me so damn high and hard that I gave him a piece of myself no one else ever had, and he used it as a weapon against me. There, you happy?
My chest rose and fell. Arguing via faceless messages wasn’t enough. I wanted to strike and hurt and scream.
Kite007: If you were here with me, I’d give you your second release. I’d finger you until you were soaking, then I’d do what I’ve wanted to fucking do since I set eyes on you.
My mouth went terribly dry.
Needle&Thread: What have you wanted to do?
Kite007: I want to feel how tight you are. I want to experience your wet heat as I fill you. I want to give you my cock, Needle. Would you let me?
Oh, my God. My body turned boneless with desire.
Another message from a different sender arrived.
Textile: Nila? I understand why you haven’t replied to me, but I thought you should know that V and I are closer to figuring a way to end this ridiculous nightmare. Don’t lose hope, sweetheart. I love you so much.
Oh, bad timing, father. Seriously bad timing.
My lust turned to smouldering rage.
Ridiculous? He thought this was ridiculous? This debt that killed my mother and all the firstborn women in my family tree was ridiculous?
I laughed at his choice of words. This wasn’t ridiculous; it was insane.
Needle&Thread: Father, you let them take me. You knew all along they were coming, yet you did nothing to protect me. You handed me over like a fattened calf with no tears or violence. How can you say you’re coming for me? How can you say you love me? I’m not losing hope. I’m building my own brand of hope, and for the first time in my life, it doesn’t hinge on you. Leave me the hell alone.
I shook hard when I pressed send. I’d never spoken to my father that way before. Never been so disrespectful. It made me feel sick but also free. Free from the fear of disappointing him.
Because he’d disappointed me first.
Kite007: Would you let me fuck you? Would you break the rules and give me what I need so fucking much?
My mind swarmed with images of sleeping with Kestrel, but try as I might, all I could see was Jethro. All I could feel was Jethro. All I wanted was Jethro.
Shit.
I wanted to throw my damn phone against the wall.
Needle&Thread: Answer me one question before I give you an answer.
Kite007: What?
Taking a deep breath, I typed:
Needle&Thread: Would you kiss me first? Or is that against the rules?
A minute. Then two.
Kite007: I wouldn’t just kiss you. I would hold your cheeks and worship your mouth. I would devour your lips and make drunken love to your tongue. I would fucking inhale you, so you would live forever in my lungs.
I couldn’t move.
Yet another difference between the Hawk brothers. One would kiss me, and one went out of his way to avoid it. One would adore me until the day of my death, and one would probably dance upon my grave because it meant his obligations were complete.
My heart crumbled into dust.
I couldn’t—I couldn’t do this anymore.
Turning my phone around, I undid the case, tore the battery out, and dumped the dismantled device into the drawer of the bedside table.
I didn’t care about replying.
I didn’t care if my silence hurt his feelings.
All I cared about was nursing the cyclonic pain inside me.
And trying to forget all about Jethro fucking Hawk.
The next morning, I was showered and clothed in a black maxi dress with a sequined orchid on the chest and purple ballet slippers.
I needed some space and planned to go for a walk around the estate. I still hadn’t turned my phone on and had no desire to do so. It was still in pieces in the drawer. For now, I didn’t care about the outside world or even Kite’s reply.
I didn’t care.
It was liberating.
Sitting on the end of my bed, I quickly plaited my hair and draped the long rope over my shoulder.
My head wrenched up as the door to my room slammed open.
“What the—”
Jethro stood breathing hard in the doorway. My cold-hearted nemesis wore black jeans and a grey t-shirt—seriously, didn’t he own any other colours?
“Where do you think you’re going?” His voice was gravel and granite and ice.
I stood up, planting my hands on my hips. “Good morning to you, too. If you must know, master, it’s time for my walk. I’m a good little pet, you see. Making sure I have my daily exercise.”
I knew I played with fire, or ice as the case might be, but I really didn’t give a damn.
The previous night in his office had broken something inside me and Kes/Kite had finished me off with talks of wanting me.
I couldn’t decipher my panic last night when Kite said he would kiss me—my sudden terror hadn’t made sense. But now it did.
If I let myself fall into Kes’s/Kite’s trap of kindness, I would lose everything I’d fought to gain. And I wasn’t willing to give that up. I was selfish and liked this new Nila. And if that meant I had to keep my distance from kind-hearted people and only surround myself with bastards, then so be it.
Jethro would be the only one permitted to spike my heart and draw reluctant wetness. No one else.
“Careful, Ms. Weaver,” Jethro murmured. Stalking into the room, he kicked the door closed behind him.
His presence was a challenge, and I was prepared to meet it. Crossing the small distance between us, we met in the middle of the carpet; every muscle tense and ready to fight.
His nostrils flared, golden eyes delving deeply into mine. “I thought you’d be hiding under your bed after your debacle in my office.”
I shrugged. “Everyone has a limit, and I crossed mine. Unluckily for you, my limit has now increased, so don’t expect me to break again anytime soon.” I smiled, thinking of my reply to my father. I’d finally had the balls to tell him to leave me alone. Jethro would be no different.
I was prepared to unplug him, just like I’d unplugged my phone.
Taking another step, my fingertips landed on his chest, dipping coyly to his belt. His eyes flared, but he held his ground. “Thank you for pushing me, Jethro. Without you, I would still be terrified. But now I feel surprisingly…calm.”
A calm where I’d stopped fretting over the future. A calm where I was just as volatile and just as unhinged as they were.
“I can’t keep up with you.” His voice was dark with a trace of anger. He cocked his head, his salt-and-pepper hair catching the morning sun glinting through the window. “You’ve surprised me again, Ms. Weaver, and once again, I don’t like it.” He leaned forward, his lips so close to mine. “I’m beginning to wonder if everything I know about you is a lie.”
I stood firm. “You don’t know a thing about me.”
Why does this conversation sound like the one I had yesterday by phone?
He chuckled. “We Hawks have our ways. I know more than you think.”
His cryptic comment didn’t derail me. He’d read Kite’s messages. He knew everything about me that I’d meant for a perfect stranger.
I stared harder, trying to uncover his many, many layers. But it was pointless—like staring into a black lake with no reflection other than myself.
“Come. It’s time for Gemstone and breakfast.” He smiled coldly. “I have no doubt you’ll be starving after your…what was that? Would you prefer the word breakdown or hysterics?”
I straightened my shoulders. “Neither.”
“You have to pick one.”
“No, I don’t. If you want me to define it, I’ll call it my way of saying goodbye.”
He jerked. “Goodbye?” His knuckles went white as his hands clenched into fists. “To whom?”
My eyes tightened, trying to read him. He played the perfect part. If he knew Kestrel messaged me, he hid his deception so well—too well. The perfect liar.
“To my past, to who I used to be, to a friend called Kite.”
The reaction was subtle.
The small intake of breath. The slight whitening of his face. The indiscernible flinch of his muscles.
Then it was gone, hidden beneath the snowy exterior he held so well. “Ah yes, the James Bond idiot, 007. The same idiot who just can’t seem to stop messaging you.” Moving quickly, he grabbed my elbow, dragging me toward the door. “Well, I’m glad you said your goodbyes. Nothing worse than dying with unfinished business.” His smile sent gale-force winds howling through my suddenly torn-open chest.
I slammed to a halt. “You can’t help yourself, can you?”
He paused, forehead furrowed.
“You just have to be so damn cruel.”
He sighed dramatically, backing me away from the door and toward the centre of the room again. “I’m not cruel.”
I laughed. “Says the heartless human who probably doesn’t have a reflection when he stares in the mirror.”
He took another threatening step. I took one, too. Backing away from him, waltzing slowly around the room as hunter and prey.
“You’re saying I’m soulless?”
I nodded. “Completely soulless.”
He smirked. “Okay, try me. Ask me to do something. Make me prove to you that I have a soul.”
I frowned. “Like what?”
He took another step, pressing me closer to the bed. The anger throbbing around him switched to sexual interest. My breathing picked up as his golden eyes darkened. “You’re the one who needs proof, Ms. Weaver. You make the choice.”
What could I make him do?
What would prove he had a heart and my resolution to seduce him would actually work?
I know.
The one thing that seemed to be the epicentre of whatever I was trying to do.
I stopped retreating, locking my knees to prevent myself from losing confidence and running. “I have something. A test. It will prove you’re not the monster I think you are.”
He came closer, a slow smile spreading his lips. “Go on.”
I balled my hands, taking a deep breath. The precipice opened wide. I took a leap of faith and leapt. “Kiss me.”
The oxygen in the room disappeared. My heart erupted into flurries.
Jethro froze. “Excuse me?”
Standing tall, I said, “You’ve come so close to kissing me. By the stables, in the forest, when you made me pay the First Debt, even in your office. I’m done with your teasing, Jethro. I’m done with you pulling away whenever things get interesting. I want to know why.”
Jethro’s hands clenched by his sides. “And you think a stupid kiss will prove—what will it prove?”
I narrowed my eyes. “That you’re not as cold as you think you are. That you do care—care enough to be affected by kissing your arch enemy.”
Jethro laughed, but it was laced with uncertainty and…was that fear? “I’m not kissing you to prove such a ridiculous point.”
