Fisher's Light
Page 61
“Everything is going to be okay, Ellie, I promise. I’m going to be here for you every step of the way. If you don’t want Bobby, I will be here. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her.
She lets out a groan, pulling out of my arms. “That’s the problem. I DO want Bobby! He’s such an arrogant ass, but he’s sweet and he loves me and fucking hell, I think I’m in love with him, too!”
Grabbing onto her hand, I yank her outside onto the veranda, pointing to a rocking chair. “Sit!”
She immediately complies. Leaning my butt against the railing, I cross my arms in front of me and stare at her.
“Speak.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m not a damn dog, Lucy. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be down at the parade?”
“Distraction is not going to work, missy. Explain what the hell I just witnessed in that kitchen. Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Bobby?”
Ellie sighs, pulling her legs up onto the chair and wrapping her arms around them. “Because we weren’t really dating, we were just sleeping together. It wasn’t that big of a deal until… it sort of became a big deal. I really started to like him and I wanted to spend time with him. It scared the hell out of me. I kept thinking about Daniel and how I was tarnishing his memory by having feelings for another man.”
Pushing away from the railing, I squat down in front of her. “Oh, honey, you aren’t tarnishing Daniel’s memory. Do you really think he’d want you to be alone for the rest of your life? To never experience love again and to never be happy? I can’t believe for one minute that he would’ve wanted that for you.”
Ellie brushes her hand against her cheek as more tears start to fall. “I know that, in my head I know that. The problem is that… I think I love Bobby more than I ever loved Daniel. I don’t know, it’s all happened so fast with him and all of these feelings came out of nowhere. I wasn’t looking for love and all of a sudden it smacked me up side the head. I feel guilty because my feelings for Bobby are so much stronger than they were for Daniel and I hate that. I hate that I’m forgetting him and Bobby is the one filling my thoughts.”
Grabbing onto her hand, I give it a squeeze. “You aren’t forgetting Daniel, you’re just moving on, sweetie. You loved Daniel when you were both really young. You should’ve had more time together, but you didn’t and that sucks. No one can ever take away the love you had for him, and there’s no shame in falling in love again. You’re older now, you’ve seen more of the world and life in general. You’ve learned more about love and you’ve found someone who challenges you and isn’t afraid to call you on your shit. If you love Bobby, and it seems like he really loves you, why should you punish yourself by not exploring it?”
Ellie sighs, leaning her head back against the chair. “I really want to marry him, Lucy. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it’s true. I can see a future with him and it makes me happy and excited. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”
“I think you need to tell him that,” I inform her.
“He’s never going to believe I’m saying yes because I actually want to marry him. He’s going to think I’m doing it because of the baby. Oh, my God, I’m going to have a baby,” Ellie suddenly whispers in shock.
I laugh at the look of horror on her face. “He’s going to believe you when you tell him exactly what you just told me. And when you two are living happily ever after together, you can name this baby after me as a thank you.”
“I really hope it’s not a boy, then, or he’s going to be the girliest little boy in the world,” Ellie finally laughs.
“I’m so happy for you, Ellie,” I tell her honestly.
“I’m happy for me, too,” she tells me with another laugh. “What about you? When are you going to get your happily ever after?”
I sigh, thinking about the things my mom said to me the other day about Fisher. I just need to get through today and then hopefully the two of us can talk. I want an explanation for all the things that happened between us and I want to be able to have a calm, rational talk with him about how I feel and what I want.
“I don’t know if a happily ever after is in the cards for me, but I’m going to try,” I admit.
“Does that mean you’re going to kick Stanley to the curb?” she asks with an excited look on her face.
“Seriously?” I ask her in annoyance.
“What? I mean, he made you happy for a little while and I gave the guy a chance, but Lucy, he’s a fucking dud. I like the way you are when you’re with Fisher, that’s all,” she says with a shrug.
“And how is that, exactly?” I question.
“You’re a little firecracker when you’re with him. And yes, I just made a Fourth of July joke ON the Fourth of July. You’re welcome,” she says sarcastically. “I don’t know, you come alive when you’re around him. You aren’t just going through the motions, doing what you think you have to do. You’re passionate and angry and happy and crazy. You’re actually living when you’re with him. I haven’t seen you do that in a while, and definitely not with Stan the Un-Man.”
Ellie and I talk for a few more minutes about Fisher and I tell her a little bit about what happened in the alley without going into too many intimate details.
“Nice, Lucy likes it rough,” Ellie says with a laugh.
She lets out a groan, pulling out of my arms. “That’s the problem. I DO want Bobby! He’s such an arrogant ass, but he’s sweet and he loves me and fucking hell, I think I’m in love with him, too!”
Grabbing onto her hand, I yank her outside onto the veranda, pointing to a rocking chair. “Sit!”
She immediately complies. Leaning my butt against the railing, I cross my arms in front of me and stare at her.
“Speak.”
She rolls her eyes. “I’m not a damn dog, Lucy. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be down at the parade?”
“Distraction is not going to work, missy. Explain what the hell I just witnessed in that kitchen. Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Bobby?”
Ellie sighs, pulling her legs up onto the chair and wrapping her arms around them. “Because we weren’t really dating, we were just sleeping together. It wasn’t that big of a deal until… it sort of became a big deal. I really started to like him and I wanted to spend time with him. It scared the hell out of me. I kept thinking about Daniel and how I was tarnishing his memory by having feelings for another man.”
Pushing away from the railing, I squat down in front of her. “Oh, honey, you aren’t tarnishing Daniel’s memory. Do you really think he’d want you to be alone for the rest of your life? To never experience love again and to never be happy? I can’t believe for one minute that he would’ve wanted that for you.”
Ellie brushes her hand against her cheek as more tears start to fall. “I know that, in my head I know that. The problem is that… I think I love Bobby more than I ever loved Daniel. I don’t know, it’s all happened so fast with him and all of these feelings came out of nowhere. I wasn’t looking for love and all of a sudden it smacked me up side the head. I feel guilty because my feelings for Bobby are so much stronger than they were for Daniel and I hate that. I hate that I’m forgetting him and Bobby is the one filling my thoughts.”
Grabbing onto her hand, I give it a squeeze. “You aren’t forgetting Daniel, you’re just moving on, sweetie. You loved Daniel when you were both really young. You should’ve had more time together, but you didn’t and that sucks. No one can ever take away the love you had for him, and there’s no shame in falling in love again. You’re older now, you’ve seen more of the world and life in general. You’ve learned more about love and you’ve found someone who challenges you and isn’t afraid to call you on your shit. If you love Bobby, and it seems like he really loves you, why should you punish yourself by not exploring it?”
Ellie sighs, leaning her head back against the chair. “I really want to marry him, Lucy. I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it’s true. I can see a future with him and it makes me happy and excited. I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”
“I think you need to tell him that,” I inform her.
“He’s never going to believe I’m saying yes because I actually want to marry him. He’s going to think I’m doing it because of the baby. Oh, my God, I’m going to have a baby,” Ellie suddenly whispers in shock.
I laugh at the look of horror on her face. “He’s going to believe you when you tell him exactly what you just told me. And when you two are living happily ever after together, you can name this baby after me as a thank you.”
“I really hope it’s not a boy, then, or he’s going to be the girliest little boy in the world,” Ellie finally laughs.
“I’m so happy for you, Ellie,” I tell her honestly.
“I’m happy for me, too,” she tells me with another laugh. “What about you? When are you going to get your happily ever after?”
I sigh, thinking about the things my mom said to me the other day about Fisher. I just need to get through today and then hopefully the two of us can talk. I want an explanation for all the things that happened between us and I want to be able to have a calm, rational talk with him about how I feel and what I want.
“I don’t know if a happily ever after is in the cards for me, but I’m going to try,” I admit.
“Does that mean you’re going to kick Stanley to the curb?” she asks with an excited look on her face.
“Seriously?” I ask her in annoyance.
“What? I mean, he made you happy for a little while and I gave the guy a chance, but Lucy, he’s a fucking dud. I like the way you are when you’re with Fisher, that’s all,” she says with a shrug.
“And how is that, exactly?” I question.
“You’re a little firecracker when you’re with him. And yes, I just made a Fourth of July joke ON the Fourth of July. You’re welcome,” she says sarcastically. “I don’t know, you come alive when you’re around him. You aren’t just going through the motions, doing what you think you have to do. You’re passionate and angry and happy and crazy. You’re actually living when you’re with him. I haven’t seen you do that in a while, and definitely not with Stan the Un-Man.”
Ellie and I talk for a few more minutes about Fisher and I tell her a little bit about what happened in the alley without going into too many intimate details.
“Nice, Lucy likes it rough,” Ellie says with a laugh.
