Flawed Heart
Page 11
I got home only an hour ago and I smiled a big fake smile at Tina and Pippa, then I slipped into my room and I’ve been sitting here ever since. I can’t think about anything, can’t function—can’t breathe properly. I hurt him tonight, I know I did, and I don’t even know why I did it. I went there to see if he was fit to be with my daughter, and instead I lost focus because I was flooded with emotion.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope, because I know the kind of man Max is. My words might have hurt, but he’s not going to give up anytime soon. He will want answers, he will want closure, and when he finds out about Imogen, he’ll want to be in her life. Like it or not, I’m going to have to find a way to deal with Max. I just don’t know how the hell I’m going to do that when I miss him so much my heart aches.
“Knock, knock.”
I look up to see my door opening. Pippa steps inside with a cup of tea in her hands.
“I thought you might like this. I saw your light on.”
“Thanks,” I croak.
She walks over and puts the cup down on my bedside table, then she sits on my bed and stares over at me. “Is everything okay? Did something happen?”
“I saw him tonight,” I whisper.
“Oh Belle, it didn’t go well then?”
“No.”
Pippa turns and tucks her legs beneath her, leaning over so she’s nice and close. “What happened?”
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and stare at my hands. “He chased me out of the club, pinned me against the wall and tried to talk to me.”
“And you didn’t let him?”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t, Pip. I didn’t know how. He was saying he was in a bad way, and that he hadn’t stopped thinking of me, but I don’t understand how that could be so when he told me himself five years ago that he had fallen out of love with me.”
“It’s just a thought,” she says hesitantly. “But do you ever think he said that back then because he wanted you to leave him?”
“Of course he wanted me to leave,” I murmur. “He didn’t love me.”
“No, I mean because he hated who he was and thought you deserved better?”
I never thought of that.
And thinking of it makes my chest ache.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I really don’t know what happened back then. He went out one night. I know there was an accident that he saw, but he never told me what happened. He came home and he was never the same. He started drinking, gambling, and eventually he told me he didn’t love me.”
“Maybe he didn’t know what he was saying.”
I shrug. “Maybe. It still doesn’t change the fact that it’s been five years and so much has changed since then. I have a daughter; we have a daughter. He’s different; he’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s scarier, meaner, and lives a life that frightens me. I just don’t know how we’re going to make any of this work.”
“All you need to do is work enough that Immy has a good life.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. “It’s just so hard when I . . . when . . .”
“When you love him so much still?”
I meet her eyes. “Yeah.”
“That’s normal, and it’s okay to feel it. Don’t beat yourself up for it, Belle. Your feelings aren’t bad, or wrong.”
“Thanks, Pip.”
“Listen,” she says, climbing off the bed, “if you can manage to get Tina on the weekend, I’d love for you to come and meet my friend Rainer. The girls from the club and I are going for a girls’ night out at his bar. Do you want to come?”
“You know,” I say, “I think that’s exactly what I need.”
“I think you might be right.” She grins.
“It’s a plan then.”
God knows I need the distraction.
“Imogen!” I yell, chasing my daughter down the store aisles as she runs happily, hair flying out behind her. She’s got a candy bar in her hand and she’s unwilling to return it. It’s my fault, I fully accept all responsibility. I always used to let her have candy when we stocked up on food, but today she’s already had a candy bar, so she’s not having another one.
She’s got other ideas.
“Catch me, Mommy!”
“No, baby,” I call, pushing my cart at a faster-than-safe rate after her. “If you don’t stop, I’ll stop and you’ll lose me.”
She stops and turns, facing me. “Can I have the candy?”
“No. You’ve already had one today.”
She starts running again. Four-years-olds. They aren’t easy. I sigh and start running after her again. She rounds a corner and I panic when she goes out of sight. I pick up the pace, letting go of the cart. I skid around the corner and stop dead when I see her standing, staring up at Max. My heart feels as if it skids to a complete stop and my legs wobble.
No.
This isn’t how this is meant to happen.
Max looks down at Imogen, then up to me, then back down to Imogen, and his entire body jerks. Emotion floods his face and he clenches his fists into tight balls. There’s no way that he doesn’t know she belongs to him. Her curly hair is as dark as his, and her eyes are mine. She looks like the perfect mix of both of us. He couldn’t pass her as anyone else’s, or think perhaps I’d had another lover. No, there’s no missing it.
“Imogen,” I say, my voice raspy. “Come here.”
She turns and runs towards me, throwing her arms around my legs. I meet Max’s eyes and there’s so much pain on his face. I want to scream and yell, cry and wail, but all I do is stand there. I’ve pictured how this would go in my head a thousand times over. I’ve thought about him rushing forward and scooping Imogen into his arms, or taking me and kissing me deep and hard. I’ve even thought of him screaming at me for not telling him.
I never expected the reaction he gives me.
I never imagined it.
I never saw it coming.
Max looks to me, then to Imogen.
And then he turns and walks away.
My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THEN – COLLEGE – MAX
I’ve avoided her at all costs. I know what kind of man that makes me. I’m fully aware. The reality of the situation has hit me hard, and I realized that Belle and I are from two different worlds. Reese accepts her, but he only does it because he’s my best friend. As much as he hates Demi, he knows she’s better for me. To be with Belle would mean to take a step down from being the king of the school. From being that popular kid everyone wants to be friends with.
It’s what I’ve worked for since I came to this place.
My career in football relies on it.
But every single fucking time I think of those blue eyes, I think fuck it, I could go forever without football, but I can’t go a day without those eyes.
I have to shake those thoughts from my head, force myself to focus. Belle and I can never be anything more than friends, and the feelings I have for her will fade the more I put distance between us. Maybe I need to take Demi away, try and focus on why I’m with her to begin with. God, who am I fucking kidding? I can hardly stand being near her. This is a big, fucking mess.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope, because I know the kind of man Max is. My words might have hurt, but he’s not going to give up anytime soon. He will want answers, he will want closure, and when he finds out about Imogen, he’ll want to be in her life. Like it or not, I’m going to have to find a way to deal with Max. I just don’t know how the hell I’m going to do that when I miss him so much my heart aches.
“Knock, knock.”
I look up to see my door opening. Pippa steps inside with a cup of tea in her hands.
“I thought you might like this. I saw your light on.”
“Thanks,” I croak.
She walks over and puts the cup down on my bedside table, then she sits on my bed and stares over at me. “Is everything okay? Did something happen?”
“I saw him tonight,” I whisper.
“Oh Belle, it didn’t go well then?”
“No.”
Pippa turns and tucks her legs beneath her, leaning over so she’s nice and close. “What happened?”
I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and stare at my hands. “He chased me out of the club, pinned me against the wall and tried to talk to me.”
“And you didn’t let him?”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t, Pip. I didn’t know how. He was saying he was in a bad way, and that he hadn’t stopped thinking of me, but I don’t understand how that could be so when he told me himself five years ago that he had fallen out of love with me.”
“It’s just a thought,” she says hesitantly. “But do you ever think he said that back then because he wanted you to leave him?”
“Of course he wanted me to leave,” I murmur. “He didn’t love me.”
“No, I mean because he hated who he was and thought you deserved better?”
I never thought of that.
And thinking of it makes my chest ache.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I really don’t know what happened back then. He went out one night. I know there was an accident that he saw, but he never told me what happened. He came home and he was never the same. He started drinking, gambling, and eventually he told me he didn’t love me.”
“Maybe he didn’t know what he was saying.”
I shrug. “Maybe. It still doesn’t change the fact that it’s been five years and so much has changed since then. I have a daughter; we have a daughter. He’s different; he’s not the man I fell in love with. He’s scarier, meaner, and lives a life that frightens me. I just don’t know how we’re going to make any of this work.”
“All you need to do is work enough that Immy has a good life.”
“You’re right.” I sigh. “It’s just so hard when I . . . when . . .”
“When you love him so much still?”
I meet her eyes. “Yeah.”
“That’s normal, and it’s okay to feel it. Don’t beat yourself up for it, Belle. Your feelings aren’t bad, or wrong.”
“Thanks, Pip.”
“Listen,” she says, climbing off the bed, “if you can manage to get Tina on the weekend, I’d love for you to come and meet my friend Rainer. The girls from the club and I are going for a girls’ night out at his bar. Do you want to come?”
“You know,” I say, “I think that’s exactly what I need.”
“I think you might be right.” She grins.
“It’s a plan then.”
God knows I need the distraction.
“Imogen!” I yell, chasing my daughter down the store aisles as she runs happily, hair flying out behind her. She’s got a candy bar in her hand and she’s unwilling to return it. It’s my fault, I fully accept all responsibility. I always used to let her have candy when we stocked up on food, but today she’s already had a candy bar, so she’s not having another one.
She’s got other ideas.
“Catch me, Mommy!”
“No, baby,” I call, pushing my cart at a faster-than-safe rate after her. “If you don’t stop, I’ll stop and you’ll lose me.”
She stops and turns, facing me. “Can I have the candy?”
“No. You’ve already had one today.”
She starts running again. Four-years-olds. They aren’t easy. I sigh and start running after her again. She rounds a corner and I panic when she goes out of sight. I pick up the pace, letting go of the cart. I skid around the corner and stop dead when I see her standing, staring up at Max. My heart feels as if it skids to a complete stop and my legs wobble.
No.
This isn’t how this is meant to happen.
Max looks down at Imogen, then up to me, then back down to Imogen, and his entire body jerks. Emotion floods his face and he clenches his fists into tight balls. There’s no way that he doesn’t know she belongs to him. Her curly hair is as dark as his, and her eyes are mine. She looks like the perfect mix of both of us. He couldn’t pass her as anyone else’s, or think perhaps I’d had another lover. No, there’s no missing it.
“Imogen,” I say, my voice raspy. “Come here.”
She turns and runs towards me, throwing her arms around my legs. I meet Max’s eyes and there’s so much pain on his face. I want to scream and yell, cry and wail, but all I do is stand there. I’ve pictured how this would go in my head a thousand times over. I’ve thought about him rushing forward and scooping Imogen into his arms, or taking me and kissing me deep and hard. I’ve even thought of him screaming at me for not telling him.
I never expected the reaction he gives me.
I never imagined it.
I never saw it coming.
Max looks to me, then to Imogen.
And then he turns and walks away.
My heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THEN – COLLEGE – MAX
I’ve avoided her at all costs. I know what kind of man that makes me. I’m fully aware. The reality of the situation has hit me hard, and I realized that Belle and I are from two different worlds. Reese accepts her, but he only does it because he’s my best friend. As much as he hates Demi, he knows she’s better for me. To be with Belle would mean to take a step down from being the king of the school. From being that popular kid everyone wants to be friends with.
It’s what I’ve worked for since I came to this place.
My career in football relies on it.
But every single fucking time I think of those blue eyes, I think fuck it, I could go forever without football, but I can’t go a day without those eyes.
I have to shake those thoughts from my head, force myself to focus. Belle and I can never be anything more than friends, and the feelings I have for her will fade the more I put distance between us. Maybe I need to take Demi away, try and focus on why I’m with her to begin with. God, who am I fucking kidding? I can hardly stand being near her. This is a big, fucking mess.
