Flawed Heart
Page 33
“Max,” I whisper against his neck. “I’m going to come.”
“Don’t hold back on me, Blue Belle. I need you to give it to me.”
I arch up, pressing my hardened nipples into his chest. He makes a throaty, pleasured sound and thrusts harder and deeper, until I’m climaxing around him, clutching his arms, whimpering his name and tightening my legs until he’s as close as I can possibly get him. He grunts and a moment later, his body jerks and then goes still. He drops his forehead against mine, and I just want to stay like this for as long as I can.
Gently, he rolls off and reaches over, flicking on the lamp. I squint my eyes and sit up, trying to control my emotions. Max reaches over to the chair beside the bed and pulls off a towel, cleaning himself before handing it to me. I take it and clean up as best I can, then I look over at him, sitting on the edge of the bed, his big body bare. God, he’s beautiful. I forgot how much so.
“Imogen is beautiful, Blue Belle,” he says, staring straight ahead. “She made me laugh so many times my face hurt.”
I smile, but it wobbles. “She’s got that thing about her,” I croak.
He looks over at me, his eyes scanning my face. “I don’t want to lose her again.”
He doesn’t want to lose her. That makes my heart ache with happiness. But he didn’t say me. That makes my heart burn. I stare down at my hands, because I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I don’t want to come off as needy, or desperate, but I want him to know I love him, that I don’t want to lose him again, that I understand.
But I hurt him, and he hurt me, and I’m not sure either of us knows where to go from here.
“I won’t take her from you,” I finally say. “I promise you that. I like it here. I’ll stay and get her life set up.”
He turns and stares into my eyes. “You’re goin’ to stay in town?”
“You’re her dad, Max. I’m not that horrible.”
His eyes flash with pain, and he turns back to staring at the wall.
“Did you mean it?”
I narrow my eyes. “Mean what?”
“Before—you said you still love me. Did you mean it?”
My heart pounds. “Of course I meant it,” I say in a small, pained voice. “How could you ever think that I stopped loving you, Max?”
He flinches. “You left me for five years.”
“I left because I was hurt, and pregnant. I didn’t leave because I fell out of love with you.”
He says nothing. He just looks forward, almost as if I didn’t speak.
“And you?” I say, chest clenching.
“I’ll never love anyone else, Blue Belle, but . . . we’re different people now.”
Oh God.
He doesn’t want this.
“I understand,” I say, shuffling off the bed. “I do.”
“I didn’t say it couldn’t happen,” he says, turning to stare at me. “But it’s not going to be as easy as just jumping back in. We have a child, and things are different, like I said. There’s a solid chance you won’t know the man I am now.”
“You’re right about that,” I admit. “There’s times I’ve looked at you since I’ve been back and wondered if I even know you anymore, but Max . . .” I look down at my hands. “I let you down, and I’m willing to take the chance and see if what was broken can be fixed.”
“I gotta do this slowly, kid,” he says, his voice thick. “I can’t promise you anything, and I can’t assure you this will work. I just . . . I gotta do this slow.”
“I get that, too.”
“Which means . . .” He looks at my lips, “we gotta stop fucking.”
My chest burns, but I nod. “Are you . . . Will you . . . Is there any other . . .”
He stands, walking over and gripping my chin in one of his big hands. “I’m not going to give this a second chance, and be fucking other women.”
Jealousy burns in my stomach at the thought that there have been others, and I can’t stop the question that blurts from my mouth. “How many?”
He drops my chin. “Why are you askin’ questions that will only hurt you?”
“Please, Max.”
He grunts and runs his hand over his head. “I didn’t fucking count. Maybe twenty.”
Twenty.
Twenty women have had my husband in their beds.
That hurts more than I could have imagined. I look away because I can’t bear to look at him right now. It’s not because I’m angry—I’m not—but because it hurts so damned much, and I don’t want him to see the pain.
“Hey.”
He steps up close, curling his fingers around the back of my neck and gently squeezing until I look up. I meet his now black eyes.
“They meant nothin’. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I’ve only ever had one woman in my bed that I loved, Blue Belle.”
I nod. It’s the best I can do.
“Mommy?”
I hear Immy’s little cry, and quickly step back from Max. I pull on my clothes and then rush out of the room. Immy is sitting up in her bed, looking disorientated. I rush in, sitting on the side and pulling her into my arms. “I’m here, baby. I’m home.”
“I didn’t know where you were,” she cries.
“I was with Nanna, remember? I’m here now, though.”
“Are you sleeping over, too?”
“I am, baby.”
“Max said we can have pancakes in the morning.”
I smile, pressing my face into her hair and breathing her in. I lift my eyes and see Max standing in the doorway, pants sitting low on his hips. His eyes are on both of us, and his face is soft.
“I’m sure if Max said that, then that’s what you get.”
“Momma?”
I pull back and look down at her. “Yes, baby?”
“Is Max going to be my new daddy?”
I flinch and look over to Max to see his jaw is tight. She deserves to know and he deserves her to know, so I answer truthfully.
“Max is your daddy, honey.”
She blinks and then her little eyes widen. “He’s my daddy like the kids at school have a daddy?”
I smile and fight back my tears. “Yes, that’s right.”
“Will I get to live with him and you, if he’s my daddy?”
“We’ll see honey, okay?”
She looks over to Max. “Do I get to call you daddy?”
His face—God, his face. He nods, because it appears it’s all he can do.
“Yippee!” she cries.
Kids. Everything is so simple in their world.
“Okay, well, you need to go back to sleep because it’s still very late. Tomorrow we’ll make pancakes.”
She yawns and I tuck her back in. “I love you, Mommy.”
“Love you too, princess.”
“And Daddy, I love Daddy too.”
I look over to Max and he looks as if he’s about to lose his shit. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. He’s speechless.
“Daddy loves you right back. Now off to bed,” I say, kissing her again.
She snuggles in and I step out, closing the door. Max is standing in the hallway now, staring at his clenched fists.
“Don’t hold back on me, Blue Belle. I need you to give it to me.”
I arch up, pressing my hardened nipples into his chest. He makes a throaty, pleasured sound and thrusts harder and deeper, until I’m climaxing around him, clutching his arms, whimpering his name and tightening my legs until he’s as close as I can possibly get him. He grunts and a moment later, his body jerks and then goes still. He drops his forehead against mine, and I just want to stay like this for as long as I can.
Gently, he rolls off and reaches over, flicking on the lamp. I squint my eyes and sit up, trying to control my emotions. Max reaches over to the chair beside the bed and pulls off a towel, cleaning himself before handing it to me. I take it and clean up as best I can, then I look over at him, sitting on the edge of the bed, his big body bare. God, he’s beautiful. I forgot how much so.
“Imogen is beautiful, Blue Belle,” he says, staring straight ahead. “She made me laugh so many times my face hurt.”
I smile, but it wobbles. “She’s got that thing about her,” I croak.
He looks over at me, his eyes scanning my face. “I don’t want to lose her again.”
He doesn’t want to lose her. That makes my heart ache with happiness. But he didn’t say me. That makes my heart burn. I stare down at my hands, because I honestly don’t know how to answer that. I don’t want to come off as needy, or desperate, but I want him to know I love him, that I don’t want to lose him again, that I understand.
But I hurt him, and he hurt me, and I’m not sure either of us knows where to go from here.
“I won’t take her from you,” I finally say. “I promise you that. I like it here. I’ll stay and get her life set up.”
He turns and stares into my eyes. “You’re goin’ to stay in town?”
“You’re her dad, Max. I’m not that horrible.”
His eyes flash with pain, and he turns back to staring at the wall.
“Did you mean it?”
I narrow my eyes. “Mean what?”
“Before—you said you still love me. Did you mean it?”
My heart pounds. “Of course I meant it,” I say in a small, pained voice. “How could you ever think that I stopped loving you, Max?”
He flinches. “You left me for five years.”
“I left because I was hurt, and pregnant. I didn’t leave because I fell out of love with you.”
He says nothing. He just looks forward, almost as if I didn’t speak.
“And you?” I say, chest clenching.
“I’ll never love anyone else, Blue Belle, but . . . we’re different people now.”
Oh God.
He doesn’t want this.
“I understand,” I say, shuffling off the bed. “I do.”
“I didn’t say it couldn’t happen,” he says, turning to stare at me. “But it’s not going to be as easy as just jumping back in. We have a child, and things are different, like I said. There’s a solid chance you won’t know the man I am now.”
“You’re right about that,” I admit. “There’s times I’ve looked at you since I’ve been back and wondered if I even know you anymore, but Max . . .” I look down at my hands. “I let you down, and I’m willing to take the chance and see if what was broken can be fixed.”
“I gotta do this slowly, kid,” he says, his voice thick. “I can’t promise you anything, and I can’t assure you this will work. I just . . . I gotta do this slow.”
“I get that, too.”
“Which means . . .” He looks at my lips, “we gotta stop fucking.”
My chest burns, but I nod. “Are you . . . Will you . . . Is there any other . . .”
He stands, walking over and gripping my chin in one of his big hands. “I’m not going to give this a second chance, and be fucking other women.”
Jealousy burns in my stomach at the thought that there have been others, and I can’t stop the question that blurts from my mouth. “How many?”
He drops my chin. “Why are you askin’ questions that will only hurt you?”
“Please, Max.”
He grunts and runs his hand over his head. “I didn’t fucking count. Maybe twenty.”
Twenty.
Twenty women have had my husband in their beds.
That hurts more than I could have imagined. I look away because I can’t bear to look at him right now. It’s not because I’m angry—I’m not—but because it hurts so damned much, and I don’t want him to see the pain.
“Hey.”
He steps up close, curling his fingers around the back of my neck and gently squeezing until I look up. I meet his now black eyes.
“They meant nothin’. I know that doesn’t make it better, but I’ve only ever had one woman in my bed that I loved, Blue Belle.”
I nod. It’s the best I can do.
“Mommy?”
I hear Immy’s little cry, and quickly step back from Max. I pull on my clothes and then rush out of the room. Immy is sitting up in her bed, looking disorientated. I rush in, sitting on the side and pulling her into my arms. “I’m here, baby. I’m home.”
“I didn’t know where you were,” she cries.
“I was with Nanna, remember? I’m here now, though.”
“Are you sleeping over, too?”
“I am, baby.”
“Max said we can have pancakes in the morning.”
I smile, pressing my face into her hair and breathing her in. I lift my eyes and see Max standing in the doorway, pants sitting low on his hips. His eyes are on both of us, and his face is soft.
“I’m sure if Max said that, then that’s what you get.”
“Momma?”
I pull back and look down at her. “Yes, baby?”
“Is Max going to be my new daddy?”
I flinch and look over to Max to see his jaw is tight. She deserves to know and he deserves her to know, so I answer truthfully.
“Max is your daddy, honey.”
She blinks and then her little eyes widen. “He’s my daddy like the kids at school have a daddy?”
I smile and fight back my tears. “Yes, that’s right.”
“Will I get to live with him and you, if he’s my daddy?”
“We’ll see honey, okay?”
She looks over to Max. “Do I get to call you daddy?”
His face—God, his face. He nods, because it appears it’s all he can do.
“Yippee!” she cries.
Kids. Everything is so simple in their world.
“Okay, well, you need to go back to sleep because it’s still very late. Tomorrow we’ll make pancakes.”
She yawns and I tuck her back in. “I love you, Mommy.”
“Love you too, princess.”
“And Daddy, I love Daddy too.”
I look over to Max and he looks as if he’s about to lose his shit. He opens his mouth, then closes it, then opens it again. He’s speechless.
“Daddy loves you right back. Now off to bed,” I say, kissing her again.
She snuggles in and I step out, closing the door. Max is standing in the hallway now, staring at his clenched fists.
