Forever Innocent
Page 44
“Tore it apart with my bare hands.”
“I’m sure it’s what you needed to do at the time.” I stroked her head.
“I shouldn’t have done that. It was Finn’s.”
“It’s okay.”
Her breaths were fast and shallow, like they had been in the stairwell that day. I started to worry about her fainting again, but she quieted down, slowing down her exhales. I just held on and waited for her to come back around. At last she looked back up at me. “Thank you for the new ones.”
I kissed the top of her head. “You can thank me by getting naked on Black’s Beach.”
She half-smiled again and pulled away, punching me on the chest. “In your dreams. Besides, you’d pummel anybody who looked at me.”
I snatched up the shoes. “True. They’d have to call it Blood Beach.” I turned to lead her back to La Jolla and get her something to eat, but she stood staring at the waves. “You okay, Corabelle?”
She looked at me, her brown eyes so full of sorrow. “I don’t know how to be happy.”
My heart squeezed. “I think it can be a choice.”
“But I’m trying to choose it.”
“Here’s what I think.” I knelt and picked up a stick that had been washed ashore. “I can draw this line.” The end of the stick cut through the smooth surface of sand between us. “On your side is grief.” I pointed at her feet. “On my side is happiness.”
I stood up and tossed the stick away. “Now you can step across it and not look back.”
Corabelle kept looking at the line, the sharpness of it stark against the miles of smooth unbroken sand. “But I want to look back. I want to remember Finn.”
“Crossing the line isn’t about forgetting the people we love. It’s about not letting our past sorrow steal our future joy.”
She still didn’t move. I knew this was hard for her. I crossed over years ago, not exactly into happiness, but at least away from the misery. Our lives were made up of hundreds of these lines. Choosing when to cross was different for each person. We each had our own timeline for letting go.
She looked up at me, and I held out my hand. Her eyes shifted to it, waiting there for her to accept what I offered, hovering between us like an unspoken promise. Then she reached for it, closed her fingers around mine, and took that first tremulous step, out of her old world, and across the line into mine.
Chapter 28: Corabelle
I was pretty sure I’d never had a hot dog as good as this one.
Gavin laughed at me, mustard topping his upper lip like a mustache. He reached over with a yellow fingertip and traced my upper lip. I felt something cold left behind, and ran my hand over my mouth. It came back yellow. “You have not grown up one bit, Gavin Mays!”
We sat on the beach at La Jolla, surrounded by people soaking up the sun. Nobody was venturing into the water, due to the chill. My butt was covered in sand and the hot dog was gritty, but something about stepping over that line must have worked because I couldn’t stop laughing.
“You used to love it when I gave you a mustard mustache!” Gavin put on a goofy grin and rolled his eyes. “Mr. and Mrs. Mustardash!”
“When I was six!” I laughed and swiped his lip with a napkin, only succeeding in smearing it up to his nose. “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“You can take me to Black’s Beach. We don’t have to wear anything but our ’stach.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
Heat rose up from my belly, and I knew I’d be taking him into my bed again that night. I vibrated with need for him and already lamented wasting a day with my angst and indecision. Just going with it was so much easier, so much more natural.
He misunderstood my silence, running his hand along my arm. “I would never push you on this, Corabelle. I can wait for you to come back to me.”
I stuck my hot dog back in the paper tray and crashed into him, knocking us both into the sand. I leaned over him, ignoring the stares of families around us. “I think I’m already done waiting.”
He lifted his head, his mouth perilously close to my lips. “Then what the hell are we doing on this beach?” he whispered.
We snatched up our trash and dumped it into the nearest bin. Sand kicked up from our feet as we hightailed it back to my car. “You better drive fast!” Gavin insisted as we backed out of the parking space.
“I might run over small children!” I shouted, then realized I’d just made a reference to kids without feeling horrible inside. Gavin was right. We could choose to let go of the stranglehold our past had on us.
I careened through town, flooring it between lights as we headed back to my apartment. “God, remember that time the police pulled me over just a block away from my house?” I asked.
Gavin laughed. “The one time I thought it would be clever and sexy to unbutton your pants in the car.”
My face burned just remembering. “I just knew he was going to ask me to get out, then my parents would come and see me both half-dressed and with the cops.”
“What had you done?”
“I think a taillight was out or something.”
“It certainly wasn’t speeding.”
I stomped on the gas. “You mean like this?”
He laughed. “You are one terrible driver.” His hand snaked over to my thigh. “I think it was something like this, right?” He unsnapped my jeans.
“I’m sure it’s what you needed to do at the time.” I stroked her head.
“I shouldn’t have done that. It was Finn’s.”
“It’s okay.”
Her breaths were fast and shallow, like they had been in the stairwell that day. I started to worry about her fainting again, but she quieted down, slowing down her exhales. I just held on and waited for her to come back around. At last she looked back up at me. “Thank you for the new ones.”
I kissed the top of her head. “You can thank me by getting naked on Black’s Beach.”
She half-smiled again and pulled away, punching me on the chest. “In your dreams. Besides, you’d pummel anybody who looked at me.”
I snatched up the shoes. “True. They’d have to call it Blood Beach.” I turned to lead her back to La Jolla and get her something to eat, but she stood staring at the waves. “You okay, Corabelle?”
She looked at me, her brown eyes so full of sorrow. “I don’t know how to be happy.”
My heart squeezed. “I think it can be a choice.”
“But I’m trying to choose it.”
“Here’s what I think.” I knelt and picked up a stick that had been washed ashore. “I can draw this line.” The end of the stick cut through the smooth surface of sand between us. “On your side is grief.” I pointed at her feet. “On my side is happiness.”
I stood up and tossed the stick away. “Now you can step across it and not look back.”
Corabelle kept looking at the line, the sharpness of it stark against the miles of smooth unbroken sand. “But I want to look back. I want to remember Finn.”
“Crossing the line isn’t about forgetting the people we love. It’s about not letting our past sorrow steal our future joy.”
She still didn’t move. I knew this was hard for her. I crossed over years ago, not exactly into happiness, but at least away from the misery. Our lives were made up of hundreds of these lines. Choosing when to cross was different for each person. We each had our own timeline for letting go.
She looked up at me, and I held out my hand. Her eyes shifted to it, waiting there for her to accept what I offered, hovering between us like an unspoken promise. Then she reached for it, closed her fingers around mine, and took that first tremulous step, out of her old world, and across the line into mine.
Chapter 28: Corabelle
I was pretty sure I’d never had a hot dog as good as this one.
Gavin laughed at me, mustard topping his upper lip like a mustache. He reached over with a yellow fingertip and traced my upper lip. I felt something cold left behind, and ran my hand over my mouth. It came back yellow. “You have not grown up one bit, Gavin Mays!”
We sat on the beach at La Jolla, surrounded by people soaking up the sun. Nobody was venturing into the water, due to the chill. My butt was covered in sand and the hot dog was gritty, but something about stepping over that line must have worked because I couldn’t stop laughing.
“You used to love it when I gave you a mustard mustache!” Gavin put on a goofy grin and rolled his eyes. “Mr. and Mrs. Mustardash!”
“When I was six!” I laughed and swiped his lip with a napkin, only succeeding in smearing it up to his nose. “I can’t take you anywhere.”
“You can take me to Black’s Beach. We don’t have to wear anything but our ’stach.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
Heat rose up from my belly, and I knew I’d be taking him into my bed again that night. I vibrated with need for him and already lamented wasting a day with my angst and indecision. Just going with it was so much easier, so much more natural.
He misunderstood my silence, running his hand along my arm. “I would never push you on this, Corabelle. I can wait for you to come back to me.”
I stuck my hot dog back in the paper tray and crashed into him, knocking us both into the sand. I leaned over him, ignoring the stares of families around us. “I think I’m already done waiting.”
He lifted his head, his mouth perilously close to my lips. “Then what the hell are we doing on this beach?” he whispered.
We snatched up our trash and dumped it into the nearest bin. Sand kicked up from our feet as we hightailed it back to my car. “You better drive fast!” Gavin insisted as we backed out of the parking space.
“I might run over small children!” I shouted, then realized I’d just made a reference to kids without feeling horrible inside. Gavin was right. We could choose to let go of the stranglehold our past had on us.
I careened through town, flooring it between lights as we headed back to my apartment. “God, remember that time the police pulled me over just a block away from my house?” I asked.
Gavin laughed. “The one time I thought it would be clever and sexy to unbutton your pants in the car.”
My face burned just remembering. “I just knew he was going to ask me to get out, then my parents would come and see me both half-dressed and with the cops.”
“What had you done?”
“I think a taillight was out or something.”
“It certainly wasn’t speeding.”
I stomped on the gas. “You mean like this?”
He laughed. “You are one terrible driver.” His hand snaked over to my thigh. “I think it was something like this, right?” He unsnapped my jeans.
