Forever with You
Page 66
I curled up, tucking my legs in. It wasn’t fair. None of this was fair, and I hadn’t hurt this badly since those two uniformed marines showed up at our front door when I was fifteen.
In the back of my head I knew I needed to pull myself out of this. I needed to get up, brush myself off, and I needed to get on with life. That’s what I always did, and I would have to do it again, but I hadn’t just lost the baby.
I’d lost a future.
Roxy attempted to get me to eat breakfast Friday morning, and I thought she looked as bad as I felt when she left the bedroom, her brown hair falling out of the topknot. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to stay. She had a life she needed to get back to. I would be fine.
I was always fine.
A few minutes before eleven in the morning, I heard the door open and I was expecting to see Roxy, but it was Katie who walked into my bedroom, closing the door behind her, and I almost didn’t recognize her.
Face cleared of all traces of makeup and her long blond hair pulled up in a high ponytail, she was wearing the plainest outfit I’d ever seen her in. Blue jeans and a white wool sweater. I’d never seen her so . . . low key.
Katie made her way to the bed and sat on the edge, her blue eyes bright without any of the eye shadow or dark liner. “Roxy had to run home.”
My throat was dry as I spoke. “You didn’t have to come. I’m just . . . taking it easy.”
“Kind of hard to take it easy after losing a baby.”
I sucked in a shallow breath. Apparently her normal bluntness was not missing. I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You must be feeling ill,” she added, hooking one knee over the other. “I know that when someone miscarries, they feel pretty shitty for a couple of days. Not just mentally. Roxy said you haven’t eaten breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said after a moment.
She folded her hands in her lap. “You should probably try to eat something.”
I didn’t respond as I squirmed under the blankets. A muggy, suffocating feeling draped over me. I was embarrassed by the attention—by the fact my friends thought I needed a babysitter right now when all I needed was . . .
I didn’t let myself finish that thought.
“I’m fine,” I told her from my prone position on the bed. There was a good chance my cheek was plastered to the pillow.
One eyebrow rose. “I warned you.”
My breathing slowed.
Katie shook her head slowly, sadly. “I just had this feeling, you know? I knew you were going to break his heart and you’re doing it.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Was God smiting me or something? I really didn’t need this right now.
“But I never thought you’d be this . . . stupid.”
My eyes flew open. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, you’re this confident, intelligent, and sexy woman. You could have men on their knees if you wanted them there. And you’re fucking dumb as a bag rocks right now.” She looked down at me. “Roxy told me you all but kicked Nick out of your apartment . . . after telling him you lost the baby. You know, the baby you two created together.”
Something hot and uncomfortable stirred in my gut. “I know how we made the baby, Katie. Thanks. And I know I broke his heart by losing the baby, so I really don’t need the reminder right now.”
Katie ignored my tone and continued. “She also said he mentioned that you didn’t even tell him until after you got back from the hospital. What the fuck, girl?”
My mouth dropped open as guilt moved like black smoke through me.
“You know, I get that you have these fears and concerns about how Nick really feels about you, but you have to be dumb as a motherfucker not to see the truth.”
“Okay,” I said after a second. “That’s like the second or third time you’ve called me dumb, and I really don’t like that or have the patience for this conversation right now.”
“Too bad,” she replied, eyes sharpening. “Because there’s something you’re not getting.”
I rolled onto my back, clenching my jaw. “I think I get it.”
“No. You don’t.” She waited until my gaze found hers. “But you will.”
Exhaling loudly, I struggled to keep a grasp on my patience. “I’m really tired. I think I need to—”
“Talk about how unfair it is that you lost the baby? Or how much it hurts?” she answered for me. “We can talk about it.”
“I don’t need to talk about that.”
She raised both brows. “That’s not true. You’re not okay. Talking is important. Get the anger and emotion out.” She paused. “Or when you’re feeling better, get on the pole. That’s one hell of a workout and a great way to get the anger out.”
Dumbfounded, all I could do was stare. “Are you psychic and a counselor?”
“Aren’t they one in the same?”
“What even . . . ?” I lifted my hand, pressing it to my forehead. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
“No one expects you to deal. This is something tragic, girl. Happens all the time, to people all across the world. Doesn’t mean it sucks any less. And it doesn’t mean your pain is any less. You’re not okay.”
The air got stuck in my throat. “I am okay.”
Katie shook her head. “Nope.”
My eyes narrowed. “Yeah, I am.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
I sat up, staring at her. “What in the hell? I said I’m okay. I’m okay, for fuck’s sake.”
She folded slender arms across her waist. “You can tell me that all you want, but I know better. Everyone knows better.”
“Everyone knows . . .” I shook my head, painfully aware of the limp strands of hair smacking my cheeks. In that moment, I don’t think there was anyone I hated more than Katie. “I can’t deal with this right now,” I repeated, my hand curling into a fist.
Katie tilted her head to the side. “Of course not. Who would be able to deal with this right now?”
There were no words, because, good God, we were talking in one giant, messed up circle.
A tide of violent, unstable emotions rose inside me as I reached down and grabbed the comforter. My hand shook as I tossed it off my legs. I stood, pushing my hair out of my face with a frantic shove. “I’m okay.”
Katie said nothing.
The trembling danced over my fingers and rose up my arms. “I’m fine,” I said, and the tide overcame me, rising up and washing over, like a levee breaking. “I”m okay.” I backed up, hitting the wall. “I’m okay!”
She rose from the bed, her face crumbling as she whispered, “It’s all right.”
No.
That was the thing. It wasn’t all right. Oh God, none of this was okay.
Something strong broke inside of me. The burning in my eyes and throat were no longer manageable. Katie’s shape blurred, and somewhere, someone was screaming those two damn words over and over, and it was a lie. It was such a stupid, fucking lie.
And I’d messed up. I knew I had in more ways than I was even considering, and it wasn’t okay. And I didn’t know how to make it okay or where to even start. There was no manual on this, no amount of Googling that was going to fix this.
In the back of my head I knew I needed to pull myself out of this. I needed to get up, brush myself off, and I needed to get on with life. That’s what I always did, and I would have to do it again, but I hadn’t just lost the baby.
I’d lost a future.
Roxy attempted to get me to eat breakfast Friday morning, and I thought she looked as bad as I felt when she left the bedroom, her brown hair falling out of the topknot. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to stay. She had a life she needed to get back to. I would be fine.
I was always fine.
A few minutes before eleven in the morning, I heard the door open and I was expecting to see Roxy, but it was Katie who walked into my bedroom, closing the door behind her, and I almost didn’t recognize her.
Face cleared of all traces of makeup and her long blond hair pulled up in a high ponytail, she was wearing the plainest outfit I’d ever seen her in. Blue jeans and a white wool sweater. I’d never seen her so . . . low key.
Katie made her way to the bed and sat on the edge, her blue eyes bright without any of the eye shadow or dark liner. “Roxy had to run home.”
My throat was dry as I spoke. “You didn’t have to come. I’m just . . . taking it easy.”
“Kind of hard to take it easy after losing a baby.”
I sucked in a shallow breath. Apparently her normal bluntness was not missing. I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You must be feeling ill,” she added, hooking one knee over the other. “I know that when someone miscarries, they feel pretty shitty for a couple of days. Not just mentally. Roxy said you haven’t eaten breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry,” I said after a moment.
She folded her hands in her lap. “You should probably try to eat something.”
I didn’t respond as I squirmed under the blankets. A muggy, suffocating feeling draped over me. I was embarrassed by the attention—by the fact my friends thought I needed a babysitter right now when all I needed was . . .
I didn’t let myself finish that thought.
“I’m fine,” I told her from my prone position on the bed. There was a good chance my cheek was plastered to the pillow.
One eyebrow rose. “I warned you.”
My breathing slowed.
Katie shook her head slowly, sadly. “I just had this feeling, you know? I knew you were going to break his heart and you’re doing it.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Was God smiting me or something? I really didn’t need this right now.
“But I never thought you’d be this . . . stupid.”
My eyes flew open. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, you’re this confident, intelligent, and sexy woman. You could have men on their knees if you wanted them there. And you’re fucking dumb as a bag rocks right now.” She looked down at me. “Roxy told me you all but kicked Nick out of your apartment . . . after telling him you lost the baby. You know, the baby you two created together.”
Something hot and uncomfortable stirred in my gut. “I know how we made the baby, Katie. Thanks. And I know I broke his heart by losing the baby, so I really don’t need the reminder right now.”
Katie ignored my tone and continued. “She also said he mentioned that you didn’t even tell him until after you got back from the hospital. What the fuck, girl?”
My mouth dropped open as guilt moved like black smoke through me.
“You know, I get that you have these fears and concerns about how Nick really feels about you, but you have to be dumb as a motherfucker not to see the truth.”
“Okay,” I said after a second. “That’s like the second or third time you’ve called me dumb, and I really don’t like that or have the patience for this conversation right now.”
“Too bad,” she replied, eyes sharpening. “Because there’s something you’re not getting.”
I rolled onto my back, clenching my jaw. “I think I get it.”
“No. You don’t.” She waited until my gaze found hers. “But you will.”
Exhaling loudly, I struggled to keep a grasp on my patience. “I’m really tired. I think I need to—”
“Talk about how unfair it is that you lost the baby? Or how much it hurts?” she answered for me. “We can talk about it.”
“I don’t need to talk about that.”
She raised both brows. “That’s not true. You’re not okay. Talking is important. Get the anger and emotion out.” She paused. “Or when you’re feeling better, get on the pole. That’s one hell of a workout and a great way to get the anger out.”
Dumbfounded, all I could do was stare. “Are you psychic and a counselor?”
“Aren’t they one in the same?”
“What even . . . ?” I lifted my hand, pressing it to my forehead. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
“No one expects you to deal. This is something tragic, girl. Happens all the time, to people all across the world. Doesn’t mean it sucks any less. And it doesn’t mean your pain is any less. You’re not okay.”
The air got stuck in my throat. “I am okay.”
Katie shook her head. “Nope.”
My eyes narrowed. “Yeah, I am.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
I sat up, staring at her. “What in the hell? I said I’m okay. I’m okay, for fuck’s sake.”
She folded slender arms across her waist. “You can tell me that all you want, but I know better. Everyone knows better.”
“Everyone knows . . .” I shook my head, painfully aware of the limp strands of hair smacking my cheeks. In that moment, I don’t think there was anyone I hated more than Katie. “I can’t deal with this right now,” I repeated, my hand curling into a fist.
Katie tilted her head to the side. “Of course not. Who would be able to deal with this right now?”
There were no words, because, good God, we were talking in one giant, messed up circle.
A tide of violent, unstable emotions rose inside me as I reached down and grabbed the comforter. My hand shook as I tossed it off my legs. I stood, pushing my hair out of my face with a frantic shove. “I’m okay.”
Katie said nothing.
The trembling danced over my fingers and rose up my arms. “I’m fine,” I said, and the tide overcame me, rising up and washing over, like a levee breaking. “I”m okay.” I backed up, hitting the wall. “I’m okay!”
She rose from the bed, her face crumbling as she whispered, “It’s all right.”
No.
That was the thing. It wasn’t all right. Oh God, none of this was okay.
Something strong broke inside of me. The burning in my eyes and throat were no longer manageable. Katie’s shape blurred, and somewhere, someone was screaming those two damn words over and over, and it was a lie. It was such a stupid, fucking lie.
And I’d messed up. I knew I had in more ways than I was even considering, and it wasn’t okay. And I didn’t know how to make it okay or where to even start. There was no manual on this, no amount of Googling that was going to fix this.
