Forgiving Lies
Page 71
“He’ll be fine, sweetheart.” Blake set down the iPad to better contain me and his lips were at my ear. “I want you to be a good girl and do exactly as I tell you. Or next time, he won’t be walking away.”
“Anything!” I promised, and craned my neck to look down at the screen to see George rolling over and getting up on his hands and knees as he looked toward the burning mass in his driveway. “Anything, I swear! Just please don’t hurt him!”
“Smart girl.”
“What do you need me to do?”
Once again his lips were on my neck before brushing against the lobe of my ear. “Be mine.”
I HAD TO take deep, calming breaths before I could even open the door of my car. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, threatening to crush down, breaking my heart even more than it already was.
I’d called Kash, asking him to meet me outside of a coffee shop. I needed to do this in public, not just because I knew Blake was watching, but because if I went back to one of our apartments, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle not being able to fall into his arms and tell him everything. I knew he would help if I told him what was going on, but I needed to keep Candice and her parents safe and alive. Just the same as I had to do for Kash.
He stood from where he’d been sitting at one of the outdoor tables and his wide smile had the weight on my chest pressing down. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t crush him this way. Tears pricked the back of my eyes and I blinked quickly, trying to hold them off. Turning my head so I wouldn’t see his face, I saw where Blake was parked, watching. Just as he said he would.
“Hey, did you get all your classes dropped?” Kash started to pull me into his arms, but I put my hands against his chest and pushed back. “Rach, what’s wrong?”
“We, uh—we n-need to . . . we need to talk, Logan.”
His head jerked back, and while he let me push him back, he kept his hands on my upper arms. His brow wrinkled as his eyes searched my face.
“Um . . .”
“Rachel, what is going on? Talk to me. Did something happen with Candice? With Blake?”
I inhaled sharply but shook my head and tried to put more distance between us; his hands kept me where I was. “No. Nothing about them.” It had everything to do with them. “Look, Logan—”
“Why the f**k are you calling me Logan right now?”
“I’m sorry, so sorry to be doing this to you . . .” A short sob rose from my throat and I tried to hold it together as I removed my hands from his chest and grabbed my engagement ring, tugging it slowly off my finger.
Kash’s eyes went wide and his face fell. “Rachel,” he whispered, and the tears that had been threatening their release finally spilled down my cheeks at the heartbreak in that one word.
“. . . but I can’t marry you.”
“What?”
“I don’t love you, Logan.”
He took a stumbling step away from me and another sob tore through me as I held the ring up to him. “You’re—you’re lying.” His eyes turned glassy and I had to look down at my feet. “Why are you doing this?”
“Please, Logan, don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just take the ring back. I don’t want it, I don’t want you.” I cried the last words and took a step toward him, pushing the ring against his chest.
His hand came up to wrap around mine, but I dropped the ring into his palm and jerked my hand away. “Babe, you—I don’t—just yesterday you begged me to go elope! If this is because I said no, babe, we’ll do it. Whatever you want, we’ll do it. If you don’t want the wedding with your friends and Candice’s family, I’ll marry you today. But I don’t understand! We were fine when I left with Mase a couple hours ago, and now you want to call off our engagement?”
My vision started blurring and it had nothing to do with the tears that wouldn’t stop. I thought about George’s car exploding right before my eyes. I thought about Blake’s threats to kill his aunt and uncle first. I worked at breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth as I turned and began walking away.
“Rachel!” He grabbed my hand and I whirled on him, my voice rising in my near-hysteria.
“I don’t want you, Logan! I’ve never wanted you! Can’t you understand that? You were fun. That’s it. You were dangerous, and new, and it was what I needed at the time. But all you’re good for is a good time. I’m sorry I got caught up in the whole marriage thing, but at least I’m doing this before we go through with it!”
He recoiled like I’d slapped him and dropped my hand. A single tear fell down his cheek and he shook his head slowly back and forth as he continued to retreat from me.
Everything in me screamed to run into his arms, to take back all I’d said. But I needed to keep the only family I had left safe. And though he might never understand it, I needed to keep Kash safe too. Forcing myself away, I put my head down and walked quickly to my car. As soon as I was in, the roar of his motorcycle starting up and speeding out of the parking lot had the weight finally crashing in on me and I slumped against the steering wheel as sobs overtook my body.
I was still sitting in the parking lot an hour later. My sobs had run their course, and all that was left was a steady stream of tears. I felt hollow. It didn’t matter that I had just broken his heart or that I’d done it for him. I would never again get to enjoy being in his arms, feeling his lips on mine, or waking up with his tattooed arm curled tight around my waist. Knowing I’d just lost the most important person in my life had shattered me, and I didn’t know how to begin to cope with that.
“Anything!” I promised, and craned my neck to look down at the screen to see George rolling over and getting up on his hands and knees as he looked toward the burning mass in his driveway. “Anything, I swear! Just please don’t hurt him!”
“Smart girl.”
“What do you need me to do?”
Once again his lips were on my neck before brushing against the lobe of my ear. “Be mine.”
I HAD TO take deep, calming breaths before I could even open the door of my car. It felt like there was a weight on my chest, threatening to crush down, breaking my heart even more than it already was.
I’d called Kash, asking him to meet me outside of a coffee shop. I needed to do this in public, not just because I knew Blake was watching, but because if I went back to one of our apartments, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle not being able to fall into his arms and tell him everything. I knew he would help if I told him what was going on, but I needed to keep Candice and her parents safe and alive. Just the same as I had to do for Kash.
He stood from where he’d been sitting at one of the outdoor tables and his wide smile had the weight on my chest pressing down. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t crush him this way. Tears pricked the back of my eyes and I blinked quickly, trying to hold them off. Turning my head so I wouldn’t see his face, I saw where Blake was parked, watching. Just as he said he would.
“Hey, did you get all your classes dropped?” Kash started to pull me into his arms, but I put my hands against his chest and pushed back. “Rach, what’s wrong?”
“We, uh—we n-need to . . . we need to talk, Logan.”
His head jerked back, and while he let me push him back, he kept his hands on my upper arms. His brow wrinkled as his eyes searched my face.
“Um . . .”
“Rachel, what is going on? Talk to me. Did something happen with Candice? With Blake?”
I inhaled sharply but shook my head and tried to put more distance between us; his hands kept me where I was. “No. Nothing about them.” It had everything to do with them. “Look, Logan—”
“Why the f**k are you calling me Logan right now?”
“I’m sorry, so sorry to be doing this to you . . .” A short sob rose from my throat and I tried to hold it together as I removed my hands from his chest and grabbed my engagement ring, tugging it slowly off my finger.
Kash’s eyes went wide and his face fell. “Rachel,” he whispered, and the tears that had been threatening their release finally spilled down my cheeks at the heartbreak in that one word.
“. . . but I can’t marry you.”
“What?”
“I don’t love you, Logan.”
He took a stumbling step away from me and another sob tore through me as I held the ring up to him. “You’re—you’re lying.” His eyes turned glassy and I had to look down at my feet. “Why are you doing this?”
“Please, Logan, don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just take the ring back. I don’t want it, I don’t want you.” I cried the last words and took a step toward him, pushing the ring against his chest.
His hand came up to wrap around mine, but I dropped the ring into his palm and jerked my hand away. “Babe, you—I don’t—just yesterday you begged me to go elope! If this is because I said no, babe, we’ll do it. Whatever you want, we’ll do it. If you don’t want the wedding with your friends and Candice’s family, I’ll marry you today. But I don’t understand! We were fine when I left with Mase a couple hours ago, and now you want to call off our engagement?”
My vision started blurring and it had nothing to do with the tears that wouldn’t stop. I thought about George’s car exploding right before my eyes. I thought about Blake’s threats to kill his aunt and uncle first. I worked at breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth as I turned and began walking away.
“Rachel!” He grabbed my hand and I whirled on him, my voice rising in my near-hysteria.
“I don’t want you, Logan! I’ve never wanted you! Can’t you understand that? You were fun. That’s it. You were dangerous, and new, and it was what I needed at the time. But all you’re good for is a good time. I’m sorry I got caught up in the whole marriage thing, but at least I’m doing this before we go through with it!”
He recoiled like I’d slapped him and dropped my hand. A single tear fell down his cheek and he shook his head slowly back and forth as he continued to retreat from me.
Everything in me screamed to run into his arms, to take back all I’d said. But I needed to keep the only family I had left safe. And though he might never understand it, I needed to keep Kash safe too. Forcing myself away, I put my head down and walked quickly to my car. As soon as I was in, the roar of his motorcycle starting up and speeding out of the parking lot had the weight finally crashing in on me and I slumped against the steering wheel as sobs overtook my body.
I was still sitting in the parking lot an hour later. My sobs had run their course, and all that was left was a steady stream of tears. I felt hollow. It didn’t matter that I had just broken his heart or that I’d done it for him. I would never again get to enjoy being in his arms, feeling his lips on mine, or waking up with his tattooed arm curled tight around my waist. Knowing I’d just lost the most important person in my life had shattered me, and I didn’t know how to begin to cope with that.
