Forsaken
Page 36
“Leo.”
Leo turned when he heard her call for him. She closed the distance between them and he suddenly found himself fighting the urge to cry. To all out sob on her shoulder and spill his tears of pain into her hair. The need for succor was so powerfully overwhelming that he fought it, threw himself in the other direction, let himself flounder alone in the cold instead.
“Leo,” she said again, her tone so soft, her use of his name so beckoning, as she laid gentle hands on his back and shoulders.
“I can’t do it. I can’t stand to be in the same house as that…that fiend. That demon that cast me down into hell.”
“Kamenwati,” she said knowingly.
“Yes.”
“He is just a man. A man who made mistakes and knows it.”
“Am I to feel sympathy for him?” Leo raged at her suddenly. “Forgive me if I don’t!”
“I never meant that you should,” she railed back at him. “I only meant that he is just a man. Not a demon. Not this great force of evil. Just a man like any other man. And he will never be able to harm you again. Not while you are loved and protected by these people who are your friends.”
“These people are the ones who have taken him in and given him safe haven. They might be able to forgive and forget, but I am not so able!”
“And no one expects you to be. Do you really think everyone wants you to pretend you haven’t suffered through this terrible thing? I know the only reason I know about any of it is because of Grey. I know it’s not fair that you didn’t get to choose when to share your pain with me, but I know what it is just the same. And I want you to know…”
He watched as the laser blue of her wings slowly unfurled from her back, stretching far and wide, the beautiful grace of them curving forward and then surrounding him in the protective circle of her power. “I won’t ever let him hurt you again, Leo.”
“I don’t need your protection,” he rasped angrily, but he couldn’t seem to make himself turn away from her. He couldn’t back away when she stepped up closer to him.
“It’s all right if you do,” she said gently. “It’s not so horrible that you need others to help you. Aren’t you tired of being out there on that island all alone? Isn’t that the way you’ve been doing things all this time, even before Kamen and Chatha? Is that really what you want?”
“It’s not fair that you know all of this,” he said hoarsely. “You know things that I’ve never shared with anyone…”
“Including your best friends,” she agreed with him. “Because you were trying to protect them. And that’s all they were doing when they erased your memory. You hold them responsible for what happened afterward, and maybe they are responsible, but they were just trying to protect you. No more or less differently than what you’ve been doing for years.” She reached out and laid hands as gently as butterfly wings on the expanse of his chest. “But now they are strong and solid and no longer in need of protecting. Instead of looking at it like you are weaker than they are, why not look at it like they are finally strong enough to know…to really know you.”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly, his anger bleeding away as he looked down into the chartreuse of her eyes. “I don’t know if I can be this better person you seem to be expecting of me. I am who I am…bullshit and all.”
“This isn’t who you are. You are not the sum of your anger. It’s just what you feel. All I am hoping for is that it will fade in time. Hopefully in time for you to keep from alienating everyone who gives a damn about you.”
Leo reached up, unable to curb the impulse, and traced gentle fingertips over the rise of her right cheek. “We did it,” he said, a smile touching his lips briefly. “Didn’t we? I didn’t think we were going to pull it off, but we did it.”
“We make a pretty good team,” she agreed.
Leo felt the reflex of her wings coming even tighter around him. He felt utterly surrounded by their energy, felt it flowing into him in strong, potent waves. He reached out with his free hand and passed it through the laser edge of one wing, making them both gasp at the fiery connection. Leo looked down into her face, his expression full of curiosity. “What does that feel like to you?” he asked her. “Does that happen all the time with just anyone who does this?”
She shook her head, the sugary fall of her hair sweeping against his hand as she did so. When had she unbound it, he wondered? “No. There’s feedback yes, but no one…nothing like I feel when you touch me like that…or like this.” She reached out and stroked gentle fingers along the back of the hand touching her face. He had to admit that it was very different for him, too.
“I wonder why that is?” he asked absently as his fingers drifted up to her forehead. “I wonder why you make me feel like…”
“Like?” she asked when he paused for several long moments.
“Like I want to grab you, dip you, and kiss you till your toes curl like some corny romantic movie. The orchestra comes up with a sweeping, grandiose score and we just…”
“Kiss.” She laughed at him. “That is corny.”
“I know. But I’m going to do it just the same.”
And he reached for her, ringing her shoulders with one arm and swinging her around and down into a bona fide romantic dip before touching his lips to hers. The movement drew her wings tightly around him and it was like setting him on fire, the way their energy passed through him. But as electric as that was, none of it could compare with the static essence of the feel of her mouth against his. Somehow he had forgotten how much like kissing fire it felt like to kiss her. And he realized he always would forget it at least a little bit. There was just no way he would ever be able to get used to the power of the connection. After a long minute of simply tasting her, he swung her back up onto her feet and took some hard breaths as he stared deeply into her eyes, trying to figure some kind of resolution in his mind. Part of him was thundering out instructions that warned him to push her away before she got too close, other parts were conceding that it was already too late for that.
“One thing’s for sure,” he said softly to her as he found himself tracing the curves of her face once again. It was as though he needed to map them both physically and spiritually. “I’m thinking I need to make love to you, Faith.”
“Oh,” she breathed. “Really? Because I’m thinking I’d really like that.” Then she seemed to second-guess herself and withdrew from him. “But…I’m not a human woman, Leo. I’m not what you’d look for in the long run.”
“I don’t look for anyone in the long run,” he said with a frown. “I’ll be straight up about it, Faith. Outside of that kiss, I’m not a romantic guy. I’m not looking for Miss Right, I’m just fine with Miss Right Now.”
“Oh,” she said. Leo knew that what he’d said caused her some kind of pain, but he ignored it in order to make himself clear.
“We’re all grown-ups here, Faith. Am I right? You being what you are and me being who I am, it’s not like there’s sunsets and forevers in our future.”
“ ‘What you are’? What? Not who? Am I still a…a thing to you? Am I still not worthy of consideration in your eyes? I thought we’d gotten past that. I can see I was wrong.” She jerked away from him, her wings pulling back with a snap. “You might not be looking at me for the long haul, Leo, but you’re not looking at me for the short one either. You want to make love to me? Are you sure about that? Because it sounds to me like you just want to conquer this thing that is stronger than you are in whatever way you can possibly manage. Well, I’m not about to make it easy on you, Leo. I’ve got news for you. I have standards, too. And my standards say stop and no way when it comes to pigheaded, prejudiced jerks who don’t even think I deserve equal measure as a person. I know you’ve wondered about what I have been suffering from at home. That there’s been abuse?” She scoffed. “I flinch because there was a man once…a man who thought a princess was the fast track to power. And that controlling that princess by any means necessary would guarantee it. He didn’t think I deserved equal measure as a person either. Maybe you need to examine that parallel a little bit while you’re sitting there judging people.”
“There’s no way I’m like that sick son of a bitch!” Leo roared at her. “Not even close! I’ve never laid a hand on you!”
“The methods are different but the result is still the same! You hurt me, Leo! You really hurt me!” She stepped back when he reached for her. “Don’t you dare get pissy with me when you know it’s the truth! Until you can talk to me with respect for who and what I am, I don’t want you to talk to me at all!”
She turned her back on him sharply, the laser blue of her wings cutting through him like electric saw blades. They both started and gasped at the feedback, but then Faith shook it off and stomped away from him.
“Fine! Go off and have your tantrum!” he barked at her back. “Call me when you grow up a little!”
The fact that she kept going, that she didn’t turn around and fight him over that statement, made him a little sick to his stomach. Faith not fighting was a frightening thing to think about. She had kept him honest and kept him on his toes since the minute they’d met. For her to just give up…
Had she fought or given up before? he found himself wondering. What had she done and how had she eventually escaped that abusive situation? He hadn’t found that out and, damn him, Grey had left that little part out of their imagined future together.
But why should he even care? he asked himself. She obviously doesn’t want you bothering her, so let it go, Alvarez.
He watched her go back into the house and when the door closed behind her he felt an overwhelming sense of panic. He couldn’t explain the reason why. Couldn’t give it voice right then.
“So,” Grey said, suddenly appearing at Leo’s side. “Have you realized yet what you should be wishing for?”
“I told you. I’m not making any wish.”
“No, it wouldn’t be just any wish, now would it? It would have to be for the thing you want most in the world, yet you realize there is no other way on earth for you to achieve it.”
Leo’s frown darkened and for a moment he entertained the idea of taking Grey up on that offer. Faith was a beautiful woman. One of extraordinary strength and impressive force of will. And once he began to think of one or two attributes, it opened a floodgate of others. She was honest and trustworthy. If he’d learned nothing else in their journey, he had most certainly learned that. And that honesty was clearly rooted in her compassion and her need to do the right thing at any cost to herself. She had proven that by making that extraordinarily dangerous wish…and sticking to it even when she had been faced with the ultimate terror of a powerfully deadly enemy. Her bravery in the face of the Wraiths was something he would never forget.
He stole a glance at Grey. What he wouldn’t give, he thought in that moment, to be a different man. To be the kind of man who could truly, deeply love a deserving woman like Faith. Outside of Suzy Bigelow in the eighth grade, he’d never fancied himself to be in love. He hadn’t had the time or the luxury of being worthy of that kind of relationship. Besides that he would be doing the woman a terrible injustice, taking into consideration his mercenary work and the amount of time it took him away from home…and the constant knowledge that he was always in mortal danger, putting himself into situation after situation that would risk him not coming home…leaving her heartbroken.
But if he had ever thought to fall in love, it would have been with a woman like Faith. Independent, understanding of what it really meant to be the love of a soldier, and even able to fight by his side in the very thick of it. God, how tempting that was, he thought, running an agitated hand over his hair.
“I suppose you think I should ask you to make me be able to ride off into the sunset with her,” he said, his tone irritable…a perfect match to his feelings. Though he couldn’t understand why this felt like he was shoving pins under his nails.
“I wouldn’t presume,” Grey said with a low chuckle. “Women are a great difficulty in the lives of independent men like you and I. Without a woman we can live our lives on our own terms, live exactly the way we want to, absolutely no apologies given or expected. A woman makes things…complicated. Suddenly we find ourselves bending and compromising in order to make her happy. We alter our true selves in some kind of ridiculous effort at trying to live up to whatever image it is that she deems makes us the perfect man. It’s utterly exhausting work. I would in good conscience have to try to talk you out of a wish like that, and that says a great deal coming from a Djynn.”
Leo turned when he heard her call for him. She closed the distance between them and he suddenly found himself fighting the urge to cry. To all out sob on her shoulder and spill his tears of pain into her hair. The need for succor was so powerfully overwhelming that he fought it, threw himself in the other direction, let himself flounder alone in the cold instead.
“Leo,” she said again, her tone so soft, her use of his name so beckoning, as she laid gentle hands on his back and shoulders.
“I can’t do it. I can’t stand to be in the same house as that…that fiend. That demon that cast me down into hell.”
“Kamenwati,” she said knowingly.
“Yes.”
“He is just a man. A man who made mistakes and knows it.”
“Am I to feel sympathy for him?” Leo raged at her suddenly. “Forgive me if I don’t!”
“I never meant that you should,” she railed back at him. “I only meant that he is just a man. Not a demon. Not this great force of evil. Just a man like any other man. And he will never be able to harm you again. Not while you are loved and protected by these people who are your friends.”
“These people are the ones who have taken him in and given him safe haven. They might be able to forgive and forget, but I am not so able!”
“And no one expects you to be. Do you really think everyone wants you to pretend you haven’t suffered through this terrible thing? I know the only reason I know about any of it is because of Grey. I know it’s not fair that you didn’t get to choose when to share your pain with me, but I know what it is just the same. And I want you to know…”
He watched as the laser blue of her wings slowly unfurled from her back, stretching far and wide, the beautiful grace of them curving forward and then surrounding him in the protective circle of her power. “I won’t ever let him hurt you again, Leo.”
“I don’t need your protection,” he rasped angrily, but he couldn’t seem to make himself turn away from her. He couldn’t back away when she stepped up closer to him.
“It’s all right if you do,” she said gently. “It’s not so horrible that you need others to help you. Aren’t you tired of being out there on that island all alone? Isn’t that the way you’ve been doing things all this time, even before Kamen and Chatha? Is that really what you want?”
“It’s not fair that you know all of this,” he said hoarsely. “You know things that I’ve never shared with anyone…”
“Including your best friends,” she agreed with him. “Because you were trying to protect them. And that’s all they were doing when they erased your memory. You hold them responsible for what happened afterward, and maybe they are responsible, but they were just trying to protect you. No more or less differently than what you’ve been doing for years.” She reached out and laid hands as gently as butterfly wings on the expanse of his chest. “But now they are strong and solid and no longer in need of protecting. Instead of looking at it like you are weaker than they are, why not look at it like they are finally strong enough to know…to really know you.”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly, his anger bleeding away as he looked down into the chartreuse of her eyes. “I don’t know if I can be this better person you seem to be expecting of me. I am who I am…bullshit and all.”
“This isn’t who you are. You are not the sum of your anger. It’s just what you feel. All I am hoping for is that it will fade in time. Hopefully in time for you to keep from alienating everyone who gives a damn about you.”
Leo reached up, unable to curb the impulse, and traced gentle fingertips over the rise of her right cheek. “We did it,” he said, a smile touching his lips briefly. “Didn’t we? I didn’t think we were going to pull it off, but we did it.”
“We make a pretty good team,” she agreed.
Leo felt the reflex of her wings coming even tighter around him. He felt utterly surrounded by their energy, felt it flowing into him in strong, potent waves. He reached out with his free hand and passed it through the laser edge of one wing, making them both gasp at the fiery connection. Leo looked down into her face, his expression full of curiosity. “What does that feel like to you?” he asked her. “Does that happen all the time with just anyone who does this?”
She shook her head, the sugary fall of her hair sweeping against his hand as she did so. When had she unbound it, he wondered? “No. There’s feedback yes, but no one…nothing like I feel when you touch me like that…or like this.” She reached out and stroked gentle fingers along the back of the hand touching her face. He had to admit that it was very different for him, too.
“I wonder why that is?” he asked absently as his fingers drifted up to her forehead. “I wonder why you make me feel like…”
“Like?” she asked when he paused for several long moments.
“Like I want to grab you, dip you, and kiss you till your toes curl like some corny romantic movie. The orchestra comes up with a sweeping, grandiose score and we just…”
“Kiss.” She laughed at him. “That is corny.”
“I know. But I’m going to do it just the same.”
And he reached for her, ringing her shoulders with one arm and swinging her around and down into a bona fide romantic dip before touching his lips to hers. The movement drew her wings tightly around him and it was like setting him on fire, the way their energy passed through him. But as electric as that was, none of it could compare with the static essence of the feel of her mouth against his. Somehow he had forgotten how much like kissing fire it felt like to kiss her. And he realized he always would forget it at least a little bit. There was just no way he would ever be able to get used to the power of the connection. After a long minute of simply tasting her, he swung her back up onto her feet and took some hard breaths as he stared deeply into her eyes, trying to figure some kind of resolution in his mind. Part of him was thundering out instructions that warned him to push her away before she got too close, other parts were conceding that it was already too late for that.
“One thing’s for sure,” he said softly to her as he found himself tracing the curves of her face once again. It was as though he needed to map them both physically and spiritually. “I’m thinking I need to make love to you, Faith.”
“Oh,” she breathed. “Really? Because I’m thinking I’d really like that.” Then she seemed to second-guess herself and withdrew from him. “But…I’m not a human woman, Leo. I’m not what you’d look for in the long run.”
“I don’t look for anyone in the long run,” he said with a frown. “I’ll be straight up about it, Faith. Outside of that kiss, I’m not a romantic guy. I’m not looking for Miss Right, I’m just fine with Miss Right Now.”
“Oh,” she said. Leo knew that what he’d said caused her some kind of pain, but he ignored it in order to make himself clear.
“We’re all grown-ups here, Faith. Am I right? You being what you are and me being who I am, it’s not like there’s sunsets and forevers in our future.”
“ ‘What you are’? What? Not who? Am I still a…a thing to you? Am I still not worthy of consideration in your eyes? I thought we’d gotten past that. I can see I was wrong.” She jerked away from him, her wings pulling back with a snap. “You might not be looking at me for the long haul, Leo, but you’re not looking at me for the short one either. You want to make love to me? Are you sure about that? Because it sounds to me like you just want to conquer this thing that is stronger than you are in whatever way you can possibly manage. Well, I’m not about to make it easy on you, Leo. I’ve got news for you. I have standards, too. And my standards say stop and no way when it comes to pigheaded, prejudiced jerks who don’t even think I deserve equal measure as a person. I know you’ve wondered about what I have been suffering from at home. That there’s been abuse?” She scoffed. “I flinch because there was a man once…a man who thought a princess was the fast track to power. And that controlling that princess by any means necessary would guarantee it. He didn’t think I deserved equal measure as a person either. Maybe you need to examine that parallel a little bit while you’re sitting there judging people.”
“There’s no way I’m like that sick son of a bitch!” Leo roared at her. “Not even close! I’ve never laid a hand on you!”
“The methods are different but the result is still the same! You hurt me, Leo! You really hurt me!” She stepped back when he reached for her. “Don’t you dare get pissy with me when you know it’s the truth! Until you can talk to me with respect for who and what I am, I don’t want you to talk to me at all!”
She turned her back on him sharply, the laser blue of her wings cutting through him like electric saw blades. They both started and gasped at the feedback, but then Faith shook it off and stomped away from him.
“Fine! Go off and have your tantrum!” he barked at her back. “Call me when you grow up a little!”
The fact that she kept going, that she didn’t turn around and fight him over that statement, made him a little sick to his stomach. Faith not fighting was a frightening thing to think about. She had kept him honest and kept him on his toes since the minute they’d met. For her to just give up…
Had she fought or given up before? he found himself wondering. What had she done and how had she eventually escaped that abusive situation? He hadn’t found that out and, damn him, Grey had left that little part out of their imagined future together.
But why should he even care? he asked himself. She obviously doesn’t want you bothering her, so let it go, Alvarez.
He watched her go back into the house and when the door closed behind her he felt an overwhelming sense of panic. He couldn’t explain the reason why. Couldn’t give it voice right then.
“So,” Grey said, suddenly appearing at Leo’s side. “Have you realized yet what you should be wishing for?”
“I told you. I’m not making any wish.”
“No, it wouldn’t be just any wish, now would it? It would have to be for the thing you want most in the world, yet you realize there is no other way on earth for you to achieve it.”
Leo’s frown darkened and for a moment he entertained the idea of taking Grey up on that offer. Faith was a beautiful woman. One of extraordinary strength and impressive force of will. And once he began to think of one or two attributes, it opened a floodgate of others. She was honest and trustworthy. If he’d learned nothing else in their journey, he had most certainly learned that. And that honesty was clearly rooted in her compassion and her need to do the right thing at any cost to herself. She had proven that by making that extraordinarily dangerous wish…and sticking to it even when she had been faced with the ultimate terror of a powerfully deadly enemy. Her bravery in the face of the Wraiths was something he would never forget.
He stole a glance at Grey. What he wouldn’t give, he thought in that moment, to be a different man. To be the kind of man who could truly, deeply love a deserving woman like Faith. Outside of Suzy Bigelow in the eighth grade, he’d never fancied himself to be in love. He hadn’t had the time or the luxury of being worthy of that kind of relationship. Besides that he would be doing the woman a terrible injustice, taking into consideration his mercenary work and the amount of time it took him away from home…and the constant knowledge that he was always in mortal danger, putting himself into situation after situation that would risk him not coming home…leaving her heartbroken.
But if he had ever thought to fall in love, it would have been with a woman like Faith. Independent, understanding of what it really meant to be the love of a soldier, and even able to fight by his side in the very thick of it. God, how tempting that was, he thought, running an agitated hand over his hair.
“I suppose you think I should ask you to make me be able to ride off into the sunset with her,” he said, his tone irritable…a perfect match to his feelings. Though he couldn’t understand why this felt like he was shoving pins under his nails.
“I wouldn’t presume,” Grey said with a low chuckle. “Women are a great difficulty in the lives of independent men like you and I. Without a woman we can live our lives on our own terms, live exactly the way we want to, absolutely no apologies given or expected. A woman makes things…complicated. Suddenly we find ourselves bending and compromising in order to make her happy. We alter our true selves in some kind of ridiculous effort at trying to live up to whatever image it is that she deems makes us the perfect man. It’s utterly exhausting work. I would in good conscience have to try to talk you out of a wish like that, and that says a great deal coming from a Djynn.”
