Four Letter Word
Page 2
I didn’t know if it was from my frantic pacing, or from Tori’s confession sinking in, but suddenly I needed to steady myself with a hand on the wall.
The room began to spin.
I blinked everything into focus before finding my own voice, which I kept quiet.
“Oh, my God, Tori. My God. How did you find out? What happened?”
“Saw him with her at the mall, pushing a damn stroller through the food court,” she answered, sounding equal parts disgusted and destroyed. “They looked so fucking perfect together, I didn’t know whether to throw up or scream.”
She groaned, and I heard more things rattling in the background.
I pictured Tori testing the weight of different glass objects before she chose one to hurl against the closest wall.
“I walked right up to the son of a bitch. I saw her ring. I saw his. I was ready to confront him then and there. You know me. But you know what that bastard did?”
She sniffed loudly through the phone.
It broke my heart to hear her like this, but I didn’t get to tell her that before she continued.
“He …he threw his arm around her, smiled at me, and introduced us. He actually introduced his wife to me, Sydney. Told her I was an old friend from high school. Can you believe that? A friend.”
She chuckled derisively at the word.
“I’ve done things with him I’ve never done with other men. I’ve talked with him …you know? That kind of talking where you just share yourself with someone for hours and hours and you can’t think of anything else you’d rather be doing. I don’t know if I loved him, but I could’ve. I know I could’ve.”
“What did you do?”
She breathed through a tight laugh.
“I know what I should’ve done. I should’ve called him out on it. Stomped his balls out. His wife deserved to know. I would want to know, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t. I stood there like some freak, staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I probably looked psychotic. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After God knows how long they walked away and I …I just kept standing there until a security guard came up to me and asked if I was okay.” She paused, then whispered, “I wasn’t. I’m not.”
I moved to the bed and sank onto the mattress, elbows on my knees, and rubbed my palm across my forehead.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing either. I couldn’t believe people could be this malicious as to openly hurt someone this way, even though I was suffering from a pain similar to what Tori was experiencing. But at least she was acknowledging it. Admitting the effect it had on her and even going as far as confessing it to someone.
I couldn’t do that yet. I wasn’t feeling anything.
Until now.
The change was swift. I suddenly felt everything, as if someone had taken a book filled with the range of human emotions and chucked it at my head. I was overwhelmed. Alive with reaction. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was full of rage and bitterness, pain …God, the pain was undeniable now. It felt like a cancer eating away at my bones.
Tori let out a strangled yell. Something else shattered through the line.
I closed my eyes and imagined doing the same thing.
I knew her adoration for Wes ran deep and threatened to run deeper the more time she had spent with that man.
She saw him as her future.
He’d already planned one out with another woman.
Are all men complete pieces of shit?
My eyes flashed down at my left hand, lifeless on my leg. One particular finger felt foreign to me. Irritating. Like an itch I couldn’t reach to scratch.
I couldn’t remain still anymore.
My skin pricked at the base of my neck as I stood and pulled my suitcases from the walk-in closet, dragging them to the bed.
I knew my best friend better than anyone. I knew that sometimes she simply needed me to listen instead of offering my assurance or advice. Just knowing someone was there for you spoke louder than a lot of words.
So that’s what I gave her. Silence.
She cried softly into my ear as I threw my entire life into two suitcases and one duffle bag. I ransacked the bathroom, not caring how I left it as I packed away my toiletries. I wiped away every memory of myself from that room.
Every photo. Anything tying me to Marcus. Everything personal.
I wanted them gone. But more important, I wanted to be gone.
I stripped the ring from my finger and held it tight in my fist, the blunt edge of the diamond threatening to break skin.
Tori dragged out an edgy breath, then told me quietly, “I’m sorry, hon. I just needed to get that off my chest. You’re probably busy, right? Are you at work? It’s cool, I’ll let you go.”
Work. That was another thing I had to deal with. Immediately. Sooner the better.
“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I replied, which wasn’t entirely a lie. I knew she would assume that meant I was at the hospital, when in reality I was in the middle of letting go of the life I thought I was meant to have.
The one I wrote vows for.
I had to get off the phone. The sooner I finished this, the better.
“All right. I gotta go anyway. There’s glass everywhere. I should probably clean it up before I step on it. Call me tomorrow if you have a chance.”
The call disconnected.
I chuckled, which seemed so strange given the reality of the situation.
My current, completely fucked-up situation.
Tori never waited on the line to hear anyone’s good-bye. I knew that about her. I’d overheard many conversations she held growing up, but every time we spoke, I still readied myself with a response.
It was habitual, and the normal thing to do.
I envied her ability to cut the world off like that. To dominate life.
It wasn’t too late for me to become a wrecking force. I had absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
I had nothing at all.
Securing the duffle strap over my shoulder, I lifted the suitcases and marched down the hallway.
Noise from the television grew louder as I descended the stairs. Marcus was continuing on with his night as if nothing had been revealed. As if we were still an “us,” and he hadn’t taken all of that away from me.
I briefly glanced in his direction when I moved past the living room.
He was sitting in his favorite chair and nursing a beer, his feet crossed at the ankles and propped up on our coffee table. His eyes glued to the game.
Typical.
He was a creature of habit, and he had already come to terms with a world we were no longer facing together. He chose it willingly.
Why should my departure affect him? He’d already let go of me.
Marcus didn’t speak. I knew he wouldn’t, but what surprised me was my silence. I had so much to say, to scream, in his face or from this distance, it didn’t matter, but more than anything I wanted to get on the road before darkness blanketed the sky. I hated driving at night.
And most important, I wanted to get to my friend.
I didn’t need to free up a hand to open the door. Our storm door never latched properly, and with a swift kick at the base, it would swing free and open, creaking at the hinges.
For the first time since we’d moved into that house, I was grateful for the minor imperfection.
I didn’t need to free up my hand, but I did need to open it slightly. Two fingers letting go of the weight burning against my flesh.
The room began to spin.
I blinked everything into focus before finding my own voice, which I kept quiet.
“Oh, my God, Tori. My God. How did you find out? What happened?”
“Saw him with her at the mall, pushing a damn stroller through the food court,” she answered, sounding equal parts disgusted and destroyed. “They looked so fucking perfect together, I didn’t know whether to throw up or scream.”
She groaned, and I heard more things rattling in the background.
I pictured Tori testing the weight of different glass objects before she chose one to hurl against the closest wall.
“I walked right up to the son of a bitch. I saw her ring. I saw his. I was ready to confront him then and there. You know me. But you know what that bastard did?”
She sniffed loudly through the phone.
It broke my heart to hear her like this, but I didn’t get to tell her that before she continued.
“He …he threw his arm around her, smiled at me, and introduced us. He actually introduced his wife to me, Sydney. Told her I was an old friend from high school. Can you believe that? A friend.”
She chuckled derisively at the word.
“I’ve done things with him I’ve never done with other men. I’ve talked with him …you know? That kind of talking where you just share yourself with someone for hours and hours and you can’t think of anything else you’d rather be doing. I don’t know if I loved him, but I could’ve. I know I could’ve.”
“What did you do?”
She breathed through a tight laugh.
“I know what I should’ve done. I should’ve called him out on it. Stomped his balls out. His wife deserved to know. I would want to know, but I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t. I stood there like some freak, staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I probably looked psychotic. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After God knows how long they walked away and I …I just kept standing there until a security guard came up to me and asked if I was okay.” She paused, then whispered, “I wasn’t. I’m not.”
I moved to the bed and sank onto the mattress, elbows on my knees, and rubbed my palm across my forehead.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing either. I couldn’t believe people could be this malicious as to openly hurt someone this way, even though I was suffering from a pain similar to what Tori was experiencing. But at least she was acknowledging it. Admitting the effect it had on her and even going as far as confessing it to someone.
I couldn’t do that yet. I wasn’t feeling anything.
Until now.
The change was swift. I suddenly felt everything, as if someone had taken a book filled with the range of human emotions and chucked it at my head. I was overwhelmed. Alive with reaction. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I was full of rage and bitterness, pain …God, the pain was undeniable now. It felt like a cancer eating away at my bones.
Tori let out a strangled yell. Something else shattered through the line.
I closed my eyes and imagined doing the same thing.
I knew her adoration for Wes ran deep and threatened to run deeper the more time she had spent with that man.
She saw him as her future.
He’d already planned one out with another woman.
Are all men complete pieces of shit?
My eyes flashed down at my left hand, lifeless on my leg. One particular finger felt foreign to me. Irritating. Like an itch I couldn’t reach to scratch.
I couldn’t remain still anymore.
My skin pricked at the base of my neck as I stood and pulled my suitcases from the walk-in closet, dragging them to the bed.
I knew my best friend better than anyone. I knew that sometimes she simply needed me to listen instead of offering my assurance or advice. Just knowing someone was there for you spoke louder than a lot of words.
So that’s what I gave her. Silence.
She cried softly into my ear as I threw my entire life into two suitcases and one duffle bag. I ransacked the bathroom, not caring how I left it as I packed away my toiletries. I wiped away every memory of myself from that room.
Every photo. Anything tying me to Marcus. Everything personal.
I wanted them gone. But more important, I wanted to be gone.
I stripped the ring from my finger and held it tight in my fist, the blunt edge of the diamond threatening to break skin.
Tori dragged out an edgy breath, then told me quietly, “I’m sorry, hon. I just needed to get that off my chest. You’re probably busy, right? Are you at work? It’s cool, I’ll let you go.”
Work. That was another thing I had to deal with. Immediately. Sooner the better.
“Yeah, I’m kind of in the middle of something,” I replied, which wasn’t entirely a lie. I knew she would assume that meant I was at the hospital, when in reality I was in the middle of letting go of the life I thought I was meant to have.
The one I wrote vows for.
I had to get off the phone. The sooner I finished this, the better.
“All right. I gotta go anyway. There’s glass everywhere. I should probably clean it up before I step on it. Call me tomorrow if you have a chance.”
The call disconnected.
I chuckled, which seemed so strange given the reality of the situation.
My current, completely fucked-up situation.
Tori never waited on the line to hear anyone’s good-bye. I knew that about her. I’d overheard many conversations she held growing up, but every time we spoke, I still readied myself with a response.
It was habitual, and the normal thing to do.
I envied her ability to cut the world off like that. To dominate life.
It wasn’t too late for me to become a wrecking force. I had absolutely nothing to lose anymore.
I had nothing at all.
Securing the duffle strap over my shoulder, I lifted the suitcases and marched down the hallway.
Noise from the television grew louder as I descended the stairs. Marcus was continuing on with his night as if nothing had been revealed. As if we were still an “us,” and he hadn’t taken all of that away from me.
I briefly glanced in his direction when I moved past the living room.
He was sitting in his favorite chair and nursing a beer, his feet crossed at the ankles and propped up on our coffee table. His eyes glued to the game.
Typical.
He was a creature of habit, and he had already come to terms with a world we were no longer facing together. He chose it willingly.
Why should my departure affect him? He’d already let go of me.
Marcus didn’t speak. I knew he wouldn’t, but what surprised me was my silence. I had so much to say, to scream, in his face or from this distance, it didn’t matter, but more than anything I wanted to get on the road before darkness blanketed the sky. I hated driving at night.
And most important, I wanted to get to my friend.
I didn’t need to free up a hand to open the door. Our storm door never latched properly, and with a swift kick at the base, it would swing free and open, creaking at the hinges.
For the first time since we’d moved into that house, I was grateful for the minor imperfection.
I didn’t need to free up my hand, but I did need to open it slightly. Two fingers letting go of the weight burning against my flesh.
