Four Letter Word
Page 99
I was falling back into old habits. It was as if nothing had changed between us.
“Hey, Wild,” he replied, falling with me.
The flip and twist happened.
God, that felt good.
I cleared my throat, tipped my chin up, and requested, “Can I come in?”
Brian’s mouth twitched. Fighting a smile, he stepped back and held the door open.
“Thank you,” I said, moving inside. I looked around, noticing the TV was on and expecting more noise.
“He’s outside,” Brian said behind me, reading my mind. He shut the door and crossed the room, grabbing the remote off the couch and turning down the volume.
“How is he?” I asked.
“Good. Misses you.” Brian dropped the remote and took a step closer. “I miss you.”
I watched him keep coming, slowly eliminating the distance between us.
Holding up my hand, I told him, “I’ve been doing some thinking, and before you come any closer or say anything else that’ll make me want to kiss you instead of saying what I need to say, I’d like to share my thoughts while keeping some space.”
Brian stopped moving toward me.
“You wanna kiss me?” he asked.
“Yes, but I know once we start kissing, I won’t wanna stop.”
He didn’t fight that smile anymore. He gave it to me, big and bright.
And it was beautiful.
“That’s not a bad thing, babe,” he said, tucking his hands inside his pockets. “Feel the same way, and now that I know you want that kiss as bad as I do, I suggest you get to talking. It’s been too long since I had your mouth and I’m feeling pretty impatient right now.”
I sucked in a breath. He was feeling impatient.
As instructed, I didn’t waste any time.
“I made a mistake,” I whispered.
Brian lost the smile. His eyes softened.
“I don’t need time to think,” I continued with tears building behind my lashes. “I don’t. I don’t know why I said that. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything, and hearing you tell me you fixed it …I wanted that so bad, Brian. I did, but I didn’t think it was possible. You promised me you would and I was so scared you’d fail. I was scared we’d never have us again. I didn’t want that. I would never want that. I love you. I love you so much.”
“Wild,” he said quietly.
“And I’ve been in agony being apart. The worst pain I’ve ever felt. I reached for my phone so many times to call you,” I continued, wiping a tear from my cheek.
“Babe,” he prompted.
“Mm?”
“Fuckin’ dying here.”
I knew what he meant. Brian wanted to get to me. I’d asked him to give me space and he was at the end of his patience.
So I told him it was okay and I did this by moving first and not doing it slowly.
I rushed at him and not a second later he rushed at me. We collided together somewhere in the middle, Brian wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tight while I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tighter. My head was pressed to his chest, turned so I could listen to his heartbeat while his face was lowered and buried in my hair.
“I love you,” he whispered over and over while I cried tears of joy and ones I knew were for everything we’d been through.
And like he always did, Brian held me through it.
When I composed myself enough to speak, I leaned back, tipped my head up, met his eyes, and said, “You’re still my boy. I didn’t really mean it when I said you weren’t. I was just—”
He shook his head, halting my explanation.
“You fixed it,” I blurted out, worrying he’d halt those words, too, and needing them to be heard.
His chest moved with a breath, then he bent and pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Yeah, baby.”
Baby.
I closed my eyes, moaned, and melted closer.
“Babe.”
“Mm?”
“Look at me.”
I opened my eyes.
Brian was staring down at me, looking like the saddest boy on earth again.
“I am so fucking sorry,” he said, his voice sounding thick as he slid his hands to my hips. “I fucked up. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be holding you right now. Doubt I ever will again. I just—”
“Trouble,” I interrupted him.
“Yeah?”
“I get to decide who holds me and I’m choosing you.”
He swallowed and kept looking into my eyes.
“I know you’re sorry,” I continued. “I know even though I’m telling you I forgive you, you’ll keep giving me your sorry. Just know you don’t have to. I feel it. You never meant to hurt me, and I know you really thought you were protecting me. I get that now.” I placed my hand on his cheek. He leaned into it. “I get why you did it, too,” I added a little quieter.
Brian closed his eyes, inhaled and exhaled slowly, then resumed looking at me.
“You told them about the money,” he rasped.
“They needed to know.”
He bent closer. “Thank you.”
My eyes flickered wider, and my breathing paused. Brian straightened again and kept his eyes on my face.
I knew what he was meaning. He wasn’t thanking me for giving him recognition. He was thanking me for healing that last final piece of his soul.
Those people didn’t blame Brian. They were grateful for his gift.
He was finally free of that guilt.
I closed my eyes, nuzzled his chest, and announced, figuring he needed to know my plans, “Moving back in.”
Brian’s arm tensed around me.
“Good. Missed you,” he replied with a smile in his voice.
“Missed you, too,” I said. “And I wanna meet your parents.”
“Think they’d like that.”
“I don’t care anymore if you meet my mom. I have everything I need with the family we got here.”
I felt Brian’s face graze the top of my head again. His breath warmed my hair.
“You change your mind, you tell me. I’ll make that happen,” he vowed.
I didn’t think I’d ever change my mind, but it felt good knowing Brian was with me if I did.
Opening my eyes, I looked up to ask, “Can we dance to ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ at our wedding?”
I had to know.
If Brian wanted to compromise on this, I would. I loved that song but I loved Brian more.
But I had a feeling …
His eyes went soft as he stared back at me. I knew he was picturing that day.
I was picturing it, too.
Then his arm tugged me closer as his other hand came underneath my chin and tilted it back at the same time as he bent down, bringing our mouths together where he pledged, “Whatever you want, babe.”
Whatever I want.
He was promising. That meant it was going to happen, just like everything else he ever promised me.
My feeling was right.
I smiled against his lips, then I kissed him.
And just like every other kiss Brian gave me, it was the best.
Epilogue
SYDNEY
One Week Later
“Wild, you ready?” Brian called out from somewhere in the house, most likely near the front door since he’d been waiting on me for the past twenty minutes to get changed, a task which always took me less than five, just like today, except Brian didn’t know that.
“Hey, Wild,” he replied, falling with me.
The flip and twist happened.
God, that felt good.
I cleared my throat, tipped my chin up, and requested, “Can I come in?”
Brian’s mouth twitched. Fighting a smile, he stepped back and held the door open.
“Thank you,” I said, moving inside. I looked around, noticing the TV was on and expecting more noise.
“He’s outside,” Brian said behind me, reading my mind. He shut the door and crossed the room, grabbing the remote off the couch and turning down the volume.
“How is he?” I asked.
“Good. Misses you.” Brian dropped the remote and took a step closer. “I miss you.”
I watched him keep coming, slowly eliminating the distance between us.
Holding up my hand, I told him, “I’ve been doing some thinking, and before you come any closer or say anything else that’ll make me want to kiss you instead of saying what I need to say, I’d like to share my thoughts while keeping some space.”
Brian stopped moving toward me.
“You wanna kiss me?” he asked.
“Yes, but I know once we start kissing, I won’t wanna stop.”
He didn’t fight that smile anymore. He gave it to me, big and bright.
And it was beautiful.
“That’s not a bad thing, babe,” he said, tucking his hands inside his pockets. “Feel the same way, and now that I know you want that kiss as bad as I do, I suggest you get to talking. It’s been too long since I had your mouth and I’m feeling pretty impatient right now.”
I sucked in a breath. He was feeling impatient.
As instructed, I didn’t waste any time.
“I made a mistake,” I whispered.
Brian lost the smile. His eyes softened.
“I don’t need time to think,” I continued with tears building behind my lashes. “I don’t. I don’t know why I said that. I think I was just overwhelmed by everything, and hearing you tell me you fixed it …I wanted that so bad, Brian. I did, but I didn’t think it was possible. You promised me you would and I was so scared you’d fail. I was scared we’d never have us again. I didn’t want that. I would never want that. I love you. I love you so much.”
“Wild,” he said quietly.
“And I’ve been in agony being apart. The worst pain I’ve ever felt. I reached for my phone so many times to call you,” I continued, wiping a tear from my cheek.
“Babe,” he prompted.
“Mm?”
“Fuckin’ dying here.”
I knew what he meant. Brian wanted to get to me. I’d asked him to give me space and he was at the end of his patience.
So I told him it was okay and I did this by moving first and not doing it slowly.
I rushed at him and not a second later he rushed at me. We collided together somewhere in the middle, Brian wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tight while I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tighter. My head was pressed to his chest, turned so I could listen to his heartbeat while his face was lowered and buried in my hair.
“I love you,” he whispered over and over while I cried tears of joy and ones I knew were for everything we’d been through.
And like he always did, Brian held me through it.
When I composed myself enough to speak, I leaned back, tipped my head up, met his eyes, and said, “You’re still my boy. I didn’t really mean it when I said you weren’t. I was just—”
He shook his head, halting my explanation.
“You fixed it,” I blurted out, worrying he’d halt those words, too, and needing them to be heard.
His chest moved with a breath, then he bent and pressed his lips to my forehead.
“Yeah, baby.”
Baby.
I closed my eyes, moaned, and melted closer.
“Babe.”
“Mm?”
“Look at me.”
I opened my eyes.
Brian was staring down at me, looking like the saddest boy on earth again.
“I am so fucking sorry,” he said, his voice sounding thick as he slid his hands to my hips. “I fucked up. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be holding you right now. Doubt I ever will again. I just—”
“Trouble,” I interrupted him.
“Yeah?”
“I get to decide who holds me and I’m choosing you.”
He swallowed and kept looking into my eyes.
“I know you’re sorry,” I continued. “I know even though I’m telling you I forgive you, you’ll keep giving me your sorry. Just know you don’t have to. I feel it. You never meant to hurt me, and I know you really thought you were protecting me. I get that now.” I placed my hand on his cheek. He leaned into it. “I get why you did it, too,” I added a little quieter.
Brian closed his eyes, inhaled and exhaled slowly, then resumed looking at me.
“You told them about the money,” he rasped.
“They needed to know.”
He bent closer. “Thank you.”
My eyes flickered wider, and my breathing paused. Brian straightened again and kept his eyes on my face.
I knew what he was meaning. He wasn’t thanking me for giving him recognition. He was thanking me for healing that last final piece of his soul.
Those people didn’t blame Brian. They were grateful for his gift.
He was finally free of that guilt.
I closed my eyes, nuzzled his chest, and announced, figuring he needed to know my plans, “Moving back in.”
Brian’s arm tensed around me.
“Good. Missed you,” he replied with a smile in his voice.
“Missed you, too,” I said. “And I wanna meet your parents.”
“Think they’d like that.”
“I don’t care anymore if you meet my mom. I have everything I need with the family we got here.”
I felt Brian’s face graze the top of my head again. His breath warmed my hair.
“You change your mind, you tell me. I’ll make that happen,” he vowed.
I didn’t think I’d ever change my mind, but it felt good knowing Brian was with me if I did.
Opening my eyes, I looked up to ask, “Can we dance to ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ at our wedding?”
I had to know.
If Brian wanted to compromise on this, I would. I loved that song but I loved Brian more.
But I had a feeling …
His eyes went soft as he stared back at me. I knew he was picturing that day.
I was picturing it, too.
Then his arm tugged me closer as his other hand came underneath my chin and tilted it back at the same time as he bent down, bringing our mouths together where he pledged, “Whatever you want, babe.”
Whatever I want.
He was promising. That meant it was going to happen, just like everything else he ever promised me.
My feeling was right.
I smiled against his lips, then I kissed him.
And just like every other kiss Brian gave me, it was the best.
Epilogue
SYDNEY
One Week Later
“Wild, you ready?” Brian called out from somewhere in the house, most likely near the front door since he’d been waiting on me for the past twenty minutes to get changed, a task which always took me less than five, just like today, except Brian didn’t know that.
