Four Years Later
Page 30
His earlier denial sliced my heart in two.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me. About my mom,” he says, keeping his head downcast.
“I know. Because you never tell me what’s going on. I’m completely in the dark here, Owen.”
“Really? You feel that way? Because you don’t tell me shit either, Chels. I know nothing about you. Nothing. Beyond you being some sort of child prodigy and graduating high school when you were sixteen—that’s all I got. And that’s not enough,” he says, his angry words flowing out of him like a dammed river that’s finally been let free.
“So you’re saying I’m not enough. That’s why you told your mother that you don’t have a girlfriend.” I wrap my arms around my waist and rub my hands on my arms, but there’s nothing I can do to ease the shaking, or the cold, dark ache that’s consumed my chest, the weight so heavy I can hardly breathe.
“Now you’re just putting words in my mouth.”
“I heard you say it. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Those words came out of your mouth. Oh, and my favorite, ‘She’s nothing.’ That sentence hurt the most, Owen. Can you deny you said them?” I approach him, stretch my arms out so I can shove at his chest. He goes stumbling backward, his expression one of total shock, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. None of it does. I’m hurting too much. “No, you can’t. So guess what? You don’t have a girlfriend? And I’m nothing? Then you’re right. You don’t have me.”
“I had to say it. I had to tell her that.” His voice is ragged, his expression full of anguish. His eyes are dark and full of so much … too much emotion. I can hardly stand to look at him it’s so painful. “If she knows we’re really together, she’ll try and talk to you. Ruin you. Use you. She uses everyone. It’s what she does best.”
“She hates me.” I pause because I’m finding it hard to breathe. “She doesn’t even kn-know m-me.” My teeth are chattering and I will them to stop. I refuse to fall apart in front of him. He shouldn’t matter so much.
But he does.
“She hates me, too.” He exhales roughly and hangs his head. “And I don’t think she really knows me either,” he mumbles.
I stare at him, dumbfounded. I wonder if I really know him. Did I ever? I believed I did. Only a few minutes ago, I thought I did. “Where’s Fable?”
“Back at my house, chasing our mom out of there.” His expression crumples and I swear, he looks close to crying. My already broken heart threatens to crack deeper and I take a sharp breath, trying to keep everything together. “I should’ve told her Mom was back,” he says. “I’ve kept it from her for months.”
“You should’ve told the both of us. You should’ve been honest with me, Owen.” I turn on my heel and start to walk but he doesn’t chase after me. Not that I expected him to, but … well. Fine.
I did expect him to.
Turning, I look at him. He’s still standing in the same place I left him, in front of someone’s house, standing next to a white picket fence and staring at me as if he can’t believe I would leave him.
But he leaves me no choice.
“So you’re a drug addict, too,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around myself.
He winces. “I smoke pot sometimes. It’s no big deal.”
“You smoke pot more than I think you let on.” I pause. “Is it a problem for you?”
He says nothing, which is answer enough. We both remain quiet and I want to walk away, but I can’t.
I’m not strong enough. Not yet.
“You haven’t been honest with me either and you know it.” His voice is so cold. “You have your secrets. Just like I have mine.”
I say nothing because he’s right. I do have my secrets. But he wouldn’t understand. Not now. If I confessed everything to him about Dad, he’d think what he did for his mom was okay. He’d think I understand because of my no-good father. That I’d have no problem with Owen for enabling her. Giving his mom drugs, giving her money, keeping their relationship from Fable, from everyone. It wouldn’t be fair.
My secret will remain my secret.
“You can’t walk away from me like this, Chels,” he says. “Give me another chance.”
“I don’t want to be with someone who gets high all the time,” I murmur. “You’re just trying to escape your reality. And that makes me feel like you’re trying to escape me.”
“Never,” he whispers. “So I get high. So what? It’s no big deal, right? I can quit whenever I want. I haven’t smoked much this past week.”
Only a week. I just … I don’t even know what to think.
“You’re not who I thought you were, Owen Maguire. Not at all,” I say.
“Neither are you.”
I flinch. Those three words lash at my heart. Tear at my soul. I waver, my knees threatening to buckle, and I press my lips together to stifle my cry.
And with that, I turn and run. Escaping my troubles, my problems, the boy I love.
Same difference.
Owen
“It’s been a week, man.” Wade’s voice reaches deep within me, grabbing at my insides and trying to wake me up. “You need to get the f**k out of bed and start living again.”
No. Hell, no. That sounds like a nightmare. I’d rather stay in bed and sleep. Or wake up and drink. Smoke a little. Get high. Forget the pain. Forget Mom is mad at me. That Fable’s mad at me and won’t talk to me. Forget that Chelsea hates me.
“Where’s Des?” I croak, reaching toward my bedside table and knocking over the half-empty beer bottle that was sitting there, the golden liquid spilling all over the carpet. “Shit.”
“He’s gone. I kicked him out last night. Told him I was sick of how he’s keeping you on the shit when we should be getting you off it. I was wrong about him and you were right. Des is our friend but I’m tired of dealing with his … dealing.” Wade walks farther into my bedroom, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “It f**king stinks in here.”
It does. Like beer and weed and sweat and desperation. “I need Des.”
“You don’t need anything Des can give you, trust me.” Wade strides toward my window and yanks the blinds open, letting in the early afternoon light. I hiss like a f**king vampire, my entire body recoiling as though I’m going to disintegrate into a pile of dust the moment sun makes contact with my skin.
“Why the hell did you do that, asshole?” I sit up in bed, squinting my eyes against the brightness while rubbing the back of my neck. It aches. Everything aches. I’ve hardly left this room, let alone the house, since the night Mom ruined my life.
Correction. Since the night I ruined my life.
“Because you need to see some light instead of sleeping the day away. After you put in all that time trying to get your grades up and you actually f**king did it, you let it all go straight to hell over a girl.” Wade says the last word with disgust.
“Three girls, really,” I say, thumping the back of my head against the wall. Mom, Fable, and Chelsea.
“Whatever.” Wade waves his hand. “The fact that you’re letting a bunch of women ruin your life when you had everything going good is what’s tripping me up.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” I groan and slide back down, under the covers, pulling the comforter over my head. “I f**ked up.”
“You constantly f**k up. What else is new? You usually just keep moving on. That’s what I always liked about you. Shit would go down, you’d handle it, and then off you went. Ready to tackle something else if it came your way. You always acted like you didn’t have a care in the world. Nothing bothered you.”
“I’m real good at faking it,” I mutter. Everything bothered me. All the time. When I was younger, I’d absorb it, hold it in, and slowly let it take me over until the anger and the hurt consumed me. The pain, the guilt of having a fucked-up home life with a crazy mother did a number on me, especially when I was younger and had no outlet.
Until I discovered drugs and girls and partying and drinking. I could lose myself in those things. Forget my troubles. Forget everything.
Fable would always pull me back on track. Drew, too. I’d try my best to do right, to be good and make the right choices.
But those right choices are hard when you’re always staring temptation right in the face.
“Yeah well, what’s that saying? Fake it until you make it? That’s what you usually do. Until now.” Wade yanks the comforter from over my head and I find him glaring at me, his expression fierce. “You need to get up and take a shower. You’ll have a visitor here in an hour.”
I frown. “Who the hell is coming to see me? Des?” I ask hopefully.
Wade shakes his head, his mouth set in a grim line. “No more Des for a while, bro. He’s bad news for someone like you. You can’t hardly function because of all the weed you’ve smoked the last seven days.”
Good shit, too. Kept my mind hazy and thick with smoke, perfectly blank. So I wouldn’t slip and think about Chelsea.
Whoops. Just slipped. “There’s gotta be a joint around here somewhere, right? Where’s my bong?”
“I hid it.”
I tumble out of bed, nearly falling to the floor before I catch myself. I’m standing on wobbly feet, clad only in my underwear, and I wrinkle my nose. My skin feels grimy, my mouth tastes like a sewer, and I bet I smell like one, too.
Wade doesn’t even flinch. He stands there, the calm in my storm, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his expression firm. I see the sadness in his eyes, though. And the worry.
He’s sad and worried about me.
“Give me my bong,” I say, because it’s all I can focus on. All I’d rather focus on, because facing my reality is just way too difficult to contemplate.
“Fuck your bong. Fuck your weed. Go take a shower.” He shoves at my shoulders, pushing me toward my open bedroom door, and I let him. Give in because it’s easier and he’s right. I’m rank, and I need to take a shower before I stink myself out.
I go into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, turning the lock. Start digging through the cabinets, hoping to score a joint like the last time I looked, but I’m out of luck. I turn on the water in the shower, letting it warm up as I brush my teeth. The bathroom is cold as ice, but the steam from the shower starts to up the temperature. I think of Chelsea taking a shower in here. When my life was normal and good and everything was going my way.
But that’s ruined. I ruined it.
Way to feel sorry for yourself.
I take a quick shower, thankful that Wade pushed me into it because I feel semi-human again. His words are on repeat in my head, reminding me that I am acting like a mopey, good-for-nothing asshole. I need to pull my head out of my ass and get back to living. Fuck it if Mom’s mad at me. If Fable won’t speak to me. If Chelsea won’t ever look at me again. I can’t let that shit get me down.
Fake it until you make it.
After I throw on some clothes, I check my phone, ignoring the text messages from Des, and from some girl in my English class who has the hots for me and somehow got my number. There’s a voice mail from my coach, and another from my boss at The District, but I choose not to listen to them right now. They’re probably full of nothing but bad news.
I can’t handle that. Not right now.
Then I see Drew’s number. He left me a voice mail. I hit the play button and hold the phone to my ear, the sound of Drew’s familiar voice filling my head, making me sit on the edge of the mattress and nervously bounce my knee. I dread hearing what he’ll say.
What if he hates me?
“I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing, but ignoring your sister isn’t doing you or me any favors. She’s mad, but more than anything, she’s worried about you, Owen. Call her. You two need to talk.”
That was it. That was all he said. He didn’t beat me up, didn’t tell me I was a rotten, no-good as**ole brother who’d ditched his sister. Just simple and to the point. Call your sister. She’s mad. She’s worried.
The end.
Taking a deep breath, I stare at my phone’s screen, contemplating giving Fable a call. But I can’t do it. I’m scared to hear her voice. Hear the accusations, the questions. She’s got plenty to say, I’m sure. She always does.
Instead, I text her. Two simple words I should probably send to Chelsea as well, but I’m not ready for that confrontation yet.
I’m sorry.
One step at a time. Fake it till you make it. I can do this. Approaching Fable is the first step. Figuring out what I’m going to do with Mom is the second step.
Begging Chelsea’s forgiveness will be the third and final step. The scariest step of all.
“You dressed?” Wade asks as he barges into my room.
“Would it matter if I was, considering you just busted right in?” I stand and shove my phone into the front pocket of my jeans, pretending it’s no big deal that I haven’t heard back from Fable after my text. She’s usually so quick, texting me back as fast as I answer her.
My phone is silent. Mocking me. Making me feel like a failure.
“Come on.” Wade flicks his head toward the front of the house. “Your guest is waiting.”
I follow Wade out into the living room, nerves gnawing at my gut, making me almost nauseous. I haven’t eaten much this last week either, so that could contribute to the queasy feeling I’m having.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me. About my mom,” he says, keeping his head downcast.
“I know. Because you never tell me what’s going on. I’m completely in the dark here, Owen.”
“Really? You feel that way? Because you don’t tell me shit either, Chels. I know nothing about you. Nothing. Beyond you being some sort of child prodigy and graduating high school when you were sixteen—that’s all I got. And that’s not enough,” he says, his angry words flowing out of him like a dammed river that’s finally been let free.
“So you’re saying I’m not enough. That’s why you told your mother that you don’t have a girlfriend.” I wrap my arms around my waist and rub my hands on my arms, but there’s nothing I can do to ease the shaking, or the cold, dark ache that’s consumed my chest, the weight so heavy I can hardly breathe.
“Now you’re just putting words in my mouth.”
“I heard you say it. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’ Those words came out of your mouth. Oh, and my favorite, ‘She’s nothing.’ That sentence hurt the most, Owen. Can you deny you said them?” I approach him, stretch my arms out so I can shove at his chest. He goes stumbling backward, his expression one of total shock, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. None of it does. I’m hurting too much. “No, you can’t. So guess what? You don’t have a girlfriend? And I’m nothing? Then you’re right. You don’t have me.”
“I had to say it. I had to tell her that.” His voice is ragged, his expression full of anguish. His eyes are dark and full of so much … too much emotion. I can hardly stand to look at him it’s so painful. “If she knows we’re really together, she’ll try and talk to you. Ruin you. Use you. She uses everyone. It’s what she does best.”
“She hates me.” I pause because I’m finding it hard to breathe. “She doesn’t even kn-know m-me.” My teeth are chattering and I will them to stop. I refuse to fall apart in front of him. He shouldn’t matter so much.
But he does.
“She hates me, too.” He exhales roughly and hangs his head. “And I don’t think she really knows me either,” he mumbles.
I stare at him, dumbfounded. I wonder if I really know him. Did I ever? I believed I did. Only a few minutes ago, I thought I did. “Where’s Fable?”
“Back at my house, chasing our mom out of there.” His expression crumples and I swear, he looks close to crying. My already broken heart threatens to crack deeper and I take a sharp breath, trying to keep everything together. “I should’ve told her Mom was back,” he says. “I’ve kept it from her for months.”
“You should’ve told the both of us. You should’ve been honest with me, Owen.” I turn on my heel and start to walk but he doesn’t chase after me. Not that I expected him to, but … well. Fine.
I did expect him to.
Turning, I look at him. He’s still standing in the same place I left him, in front of someone’s house, standing next to a white picket fence and staring at me as if he can’t believe I would leave him.
But he leaves me no choice.
“So you’re a drug addict, too,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around myself.
He winces. “I smoke pot sometimes. It’s no big deal.”
“You smoke pot more than I think you let on.” I pause. “Is it a problem for you?”
He says nothing, which is answer enough. We both remain quiet and I want to walk away, but I can’t.
I’m not strong enough. Not yet.
“You haven’t been honest with me either and you know it.” His voice is so cold. “You have your secrets. Just like I have mine.”
I say nothing because he’s right. I do have my secrets. But he wouldn’t understand. Not now. If I confessed everything to him about Dad, he’d think what he did for his mom was okay. He’d think I understand because of my no-good father. That I’d have no problem with Owen for enabling her. Giving his mom drugs, giving her money, keeping their relationship from Fable, from everyone. It wouldn’t be fair.
My secret will remain my secret.
“You can’t walk away from me like this, Chels,” he says. “Give me another chance.”
“I don’t want to be with someone who gets high all the time,” I murmur. “You’re just trying to escape your reality. And that makes me feel like you’re trying to escape me.”
“Never,” he whispers. “So I get high. So what? It’s no big deal, right? I can quit whenever I want. I haven’t smoked much this past week.”
Only a week. I just … I don’t even know what to think.
“You’re not who I thought you were, Owen Maguire. Not at all,” I say.
“Neither are you.”
I flinch. Those three words lash at my heart. Tear at my soul. I waver, my knees threatening to buckle, and I press my lips together to stifle my cry.
And with that, I turn and run. Escaping my troubles, my problems, the boy I love.
Same difference.
Owen
“It’s been a week, man.” Wade’s voice reaches deep within me, grabbing at my insides and trying to wake me up. “You need to get the f**k out of bed and start living again.”
No. Hell, no. That sounds like a nightmare. I’d rather stay in bed and sleep. Or wake up and drink. Smoke a little. Get high. Forget the pain. Forget Mom is mad at me. That Fable’s mad at me and won’t talk to me. Forget that Chelsea hates me.
“Where’s Des?” I croak, reaching toward my bedside table and knocking over the half-empty beer bottle that was sitting there, the golden liquid spilling all over the carpet. “Shit.”
“He’s gone. I kicked him out last night. Told him I was sick of how he’s keeping you on the shit when we should be getting you off it. I was wrong about him and you were right. Des is our friend but I’m tired of dealing with his … dealing.” Wade walks farther into my bedroom, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “It f**king stinks in here.”
It does. Like beer and weed and sweat and desperation. “I need Des.”
“You don’t need anything Des can give you, trust me.” Wade strides toward my window and yanks the blinds open, letting in the early afternoon light. I hiss like a f**king vampire, my entire body recoiling as though I’m going to disintegrate into a pile of dust the moment sun makes contact with my skin.
“Why the hell did you do that, asshole?” I sit up in bed, squinting my eyes against the brightness while rubbing the back of my neck. It aches. Everything aches. I’ve hardly left this room, let alone the house, since the night Mom ruined my life.
Correction. Since the night I ruined my life.
“Because you need to see some light instead of sleeping the day away. After you put in all that time trying to get your grades up and you actually f**king did it, you let it all go straight to hell over a girl.” Wade says the last word with disgust.
“Three girls, really,” I say, thumping the back of my head against the wall. Mom, Fable, and Chelsea.
“Whatever.” Wade waves his hand. “The fact that you’re letting a bunch of women ruin your life when you had everything going good is what’s tripping me up.”
“You wouldn’t understand.” I groan and slide back down, under the covers, pulling the comforter over my head. “I f**ked up.”
“You constantly f**k up. What else is new? You usually just keep moving on. That’s what I always liked about you. Shit would go down, you’d handle it, and then off you went. Ready to tackle something else if it came your way. You always acted like you didn’t have a care in the world. Nothing bothered you.”
“I’m real good at faking it,” I mutter. Everything bothered me. All the time. When I was younger, I’d absorb it, hold it in, and slowly let it take me over until the anger and the hurt consumed me. The pain, the guilt of having a fucked-up home life with a crazy mother did a number on me, especially when I was younger and had no outlet.
Until I discovered drugs and girls and partying and drinking. I could lose myself in those things. Forget my troubles. Forget everything.
Fable would always pull me back on track. Drew, too. I’d try my best to do right, to be good and make the right choices.
But those right choices are hard when you’re always staring temptation right in the face.
“Yeah well, what’s that saying? Fake it until you make it? That’s what you usually do. Until now.” Wade yanks the comforter from over my head and I find him glaring at me, his expression fierce. “You need to get up and take a shower. You’ll have a visitor here in an hour.”
I frown. “Who the hell is coming to see me? Des?” I ask hopefully.
Wade shakes his head, his mouth set in a grim line. “No more Des for a while, bro. He’s bad news for someone like you. You can’t hardly function because of all the weed you’ve smoked the last seven days.”
Good shit, too. Kept my mind hazy and thick with smoke, perfectly blank. So I wouldn’t slip and think about Chelsea.
Whoops. Just slipped. “There’s gotta be a joint around here somewhere, right? Where’s my bong?”
“I hid it.”
I tumble out of bed, nearly falling to the floor before I catch myself. I’m standing on wobbly feet, clad only in my underwear, and I wrinkle my nose. My skin feels grimy, my mouth tastes like a sewer, and I bet I smell like one, too.
Wade doesn’t even flinch. He stands there, the calm in my storm, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his expression firm. I see the sadness in his eyes, though. And the worry.
He’s sad and worried about me.
“Give me my bong,” I say, because it’s all I can focus on. All I’d rather focus on, because facing my reality is just way too difficult to contemplate.
“Fuck your bong. Fuck your weed. Go take a shower.” He shoves at my shoulders, pushing me toward my open bedroom door, and I let him. Give in because it’s easier and he’s right. I’m rank, and I need to take a shower before I stink myself out.
I go into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, turning the lock. Start digging through the cabinets, hoping to score a joint like the last time I looked, but I’m out of luck. I turn on the water in the shower, letting it warm up as I brush my teeth. The bathroom is cold as ice, but the steam from the shower starts to up the temperature. I think of Chelsea taking a shower in here. When my life was normal and good and everything was going my way.
But that’s ruined. I ruined it.
Way to feel sorry for yourself.
I take a quick shower, thankful that Wade pushed me into it because I feel semi-human again. His words are on repeat in my head, reminding me that I am acting like a mopey, good-for-nothing asshole. I need to pull my head out of my ass and get back to living. Fuck it if Mom’s mad at me. If Fable won’t speak to me. If Chelsea won’t ever look at me again. I can’t let that shit get me down.
Fake it until you make it.
After I throw on some clothes, I check my phone, ignoring the text messages from Des, and from some girl in my English class who has the hots for me and somehow got my number. There’s a voice mail from my coach, and another from my boss at The District, but I choose not to listen to them right now. They’re probably full of nothing but bad news.
I can’t handle that. Not right now.
Then I see Drew’s number. He left me a voice mail. I hit the play button and hold the phone to my ear, the sound of Drew’s familiar voice filling my head, making me sit on the edge of the mattress and nervously bounce my knee. I dread hearing what he’ll say.
What if he hates me?
“I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing, but ignoring your sister isn’t doing you or me any favors. She’s mad, but more than anything, she’s worried about you, Owen. Call her. You two need to talk.”
That was it. That was all he said. He didn’t beat me up, didn’t tell me I was a rotten, no-good as**ole brother who’d ditched his sister. Just simple and to the point. Call your sister. She’s mad. She’s worried.
The end.
Taking a deep breath, I stare at my phone’s screen, contemplating giving Fable a call. But I can’t do it. I’m scared to hear her voice. Hear the accusations, the questions. She’s got plenty to say, I’m sure. She always does.
Instead, I text her. Two simple words I should probably send to Chelsea as well, but I’m not ready for that confrontation yet.
I’m sorry.
One step at a time. Fake it till you make it. I can do this. Approaching Fable is the first step. Figuring out what I’m going to do with Mom is the second step.
Begging Chelsea’s forgiveness will be the third and final step. The scariest step of all.
“You dressed?” Wade asks as he barges into my room.
“Would it matter if I was, considering you just busted right in?” I stand and shove my phone into the front pocket of my jeans, pretending it’s no big deal that I haven’t heard back from Fable after my text. She’s usually so quick, texting me back as fast as I answer her.
My phone is silent. Mocking me. Making me feel like a failure.
“Come on.” Wade flicks his head toward the front of the house. “Your guest is waiting.”
I follow Wade out into the living room, nerves gnawing at my gut, making me almost nauseous. I haven’t eaten much this last week either, so that could contribute to the queasy feeling I’m having.
