From Twinkle, with Love
Page 18
I thought maybe it was just another Monday for a couple of computer science geniuses, but Brij told me that they were fundraising to build the school a better firewall because apparently our security posture is sorely lacking and is an utter disgrace to the school district.
“Okay, Nath, I’m sure the girl understands all the big words you just said,” Matthew said, rolling his eyes at me.
“Hey,” I said, leaning forward so Pikachu and I were eye to nose, “I may not be a computer prodigy, but I do know what a firewall is. Furthermore, I do not appreciate you saying what you said on the basis of my gender. Let’s not further those outdated patriarchal stereotypes here in the sanctified institute of learning that is PPC, Matthew.”
Okay, so I didn’t say that. The most nonconfrontational girl in the world, remember? Mostly I just glared at Matthew, which was hard to do because I did not know whether to look into Pikachu’s eyeballs or his nostrils, which is where Matthew’s eyeballs were.
Matthew appeared not at all intimidated (as far as I could tell, given the stupid costume), but then Brij said, “Dude, Twinkle’s a genius in her own way. I bet you don’t know the first thing about filmmaking,” which I thought was super nice. Standing up to your friends is not the easiest thing to do.
I passed Maddie, Hannah, and Victoria in the stairway as they were heading off to art. “Hey,” I said to Maddie. She was now wearing the capelet, the faux fur swishing around her elbows as she strutted around. “So, is that, like, method acting?” I joked. “We don’t have a replacement, so just remember that Dracu-lass probably wouldn’t get paint on her clothes.”
Hannah rolled her eyes and looked at Victoria, who didn’t respond, but just wrapped her already luscious red curls around each finger to curl them more. Excuse me, Hannah? What was there to roll your eyes about that joke?
I know Maddie saw her, but she didn’t say anything. Well, she did, but it was to me. “I won’t!” she chirped, and then they all headed off downstairs together. She didn’t stop to talk to me about the movie or anything.
And when they were at the bottom of the stairs, Hannah laughed. I thought I heard Maddie say, “Come on, Hannah,” in a slightly irritated way, and then Hannah started to argue. Embarrassingly hopeful, I held myself still so I could hear more, but they were too far away by then.
Come on, Hannah. It doesn’t sound like much. But I feel like maybe Maddie at least stood up for me a bit. Kind of? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to clutch at drips and drabs of my old best friend, hoping she’s still in there somewhere.
Love,
Twinkle
Monday, June 8
My room
Dear Haifaa al-Mansour, I have an e-mail from Maddie. Stapling it below:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Today
Hannah was only joking today in the stairway. I just wanted you to know.
<3 M
Okay, so first: Great. Take Hannah’s side, Maddie. Right when I thought you’d been a friend to me today. Fabulous.
Also? An e-mail? Maddie almost never sends me e-mails. She’s avoiding me because clearly her conscience is eating away at her and soon she will be nothing but an oily husk of regret.
And third, this isn’t an apology?? What does she expect me to say, Oh, no problem. It’s all good. I thought it was pretty funny how she was rolling her eyes and laughing at me anyways because you know how I love to pulverize my already sketchy self-esteem?
I don’t even know how to respond to this. Seriously, I don’t. There’s nothing I can say. If Maddie can’t even put herself in my shoes for more than half a second—ugggghh. I’m just not gonna respond.
A bit later
Obviously I responded. See below. From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Right. Okay. But just so you know, it’s never okay to roll your eyes or laugh at someone. I mean, that’s just rude.
—Twinkle
I bet she won’t respond to that. I mean, what could she even say?
Still later
OMG she responded. From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Hannah was doing that at something else, not you. She told me.
—M
So Hannah just happened to roll her eyes at the exact same time I made that joke? Mm-hmm. Super believable. And she just happened to make a joke and laugh right after, but that also had nothing to do with me.
What does Maddie not understand about how awful it feels to be made fun of for just existing? Why is this something I have to spell out for her?
Also? Still no apology. I’m not responding.
My computer just dinged. I thought it was an e-mail from Maddie again, maybe detailing exactly what joke Hannah was laughing at, or, if the universe liked me, another e-mail from N (I still haven’t responded to his poem; I’m trying to think of a cute thing to say), but it was Sahil!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Font
Hi T,
Which font do you like better? See samples attached.
—Sahil
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Font? Why do you want me to pick a font?
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
All will be revealed soon! Pick, por favor.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Hmm, #1.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Excellent.
Wanna hang out after school tomorrow? Skid, Aaron, and I are going hiking at Red Fox Trail.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Sure! But hiking after school?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
I know, I know. Skid’s into botany and there’s an elusive variety of musk thistle that he’s desperate to track down. Aaron and I mostly just laugh at him and his nerdy plant guidebook the entire time, but it’s pretty fun.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
You had me at musk thistle. I’ll be there.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Awesome! I’ll give you a ride after school if you want.
I can hang out with Sahil without all that electricity crackling between us. I’m sure I can do that. Also, I know I was being facetious about that whole musk thistle thing, but hiking with them does sound fun. (Even though most days I’d rather die than go outside to wheel the trash can to the curb.)
Love,
Twinkle
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Dudes. She’s coming on the hike with us tomorrow
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
yeah but is she coming as a friend or as a PGF?
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
PGF?
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
potential girlfriend
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’m gonna make it clear that I like her as a PGF
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?
<Text message 10:15 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’ve got moves you guys haven’t even seen yet
<Text message 10:15 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
lol right like how you knocked over the napkin dispenser at Perk? Come to think of it I HADN’T ever seen that move before
<Text message 10:16 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
HILARIOUS
<Text message 10:16 p.m.>
“Okay, Nath, I’m sure the girl understands all the big words you just said,” Matthew said, rolling his eyes at me.
“Hey,” I said, leaning forward so Pikachu and I were eye to nose, “I may not be a computer prodigy, but I do know what a firewall is. Furthermore, I do not appreciate you saying what you said on the basis of my gender. Let’s not further those outdated patriarchal stereotypes here in the sanctified institute of learning that is PPC, Matthew.”
Okay, so I didn’t say that. The most nonconfrontational girl in the world, remember? Mostly I just glared at Matthew, which was hard to do because I did not know whether to look into Pikachu’s eyeballs or his nostrils, which is where Matthew’s eyeballs were.
Matthew appeared not at all intimidated (as far as I could tell, given the stupid costume), but then Brij said, “Dude, Twinkle’s a genius in her own way. I bet you don’t know the first thing about filmmaking,” which I thought was super nice. Standing up to your friends is not the easiest thing to do.
I passed Maddie, Hannah, and Victoria in the stairway as they were heading off to art. “Hey,” I said to Maddie. She was now wearing the capelet, the faux fur swishing around her elbows as she strutted around. “So, is that, like, method acting?” I joked. “We don’t have a replacement, so just remember that Dracu-lass probably wouldn’t get paint on her clothes.”
Hannah rolled her eyes and looked at Victoria, who didn’t respond, but just wrapped her already luscious red curls around each finger to curl them more. Excuse me, Hannah? What was there to roll your eyes about that joke?
I know Maddie saw her, but she didn’t say anything. Well, she did, but it was to me. “I won’t!” she chirped, and then they all headed off downstairs together. She didn’t stop to talk to me about the movie or anything.
And when they were at the bottom of the stairs, Hannah laughed. I thought I heard Maddie say, “Come on, Hannah,” in a slightly irritated way, and then Hannah started to argue. Embarrassingly hopeful, I held myself still so I could hear more, but they were too far away by then.
Come on, Hannah. It doesn’t sound like much. But I feel like maybe Maddie at least stood up for me a bit. Kind of? I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to clutch at drips and drabs of my old best friend, hoping she’s still in there somewhere.
Love,
Twinkle
Monday, June 8
My room
Dear Haifaa al-Mansour, I have an e-mail from Maddie. Stapling it below:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Today
Hannah was only joking today in the stairway. I just wanted you to know.
<3 M
Okay, so first: Great. Take Hannah’s side, Maddie. Right when I thought you’d been a friend to me today. Fabulous.
Also? An e-mail? Maddie almost never sends me e-mails. She’s avoiding me because clearly her conscience is eating away at her and soon she will be nothing but an oily husk of regret.
And third, this isn’t an apology?? What does she expect me to say, Oh, no problem. It’s all good. I thought it was pretty funny how she was rolling her eyes and laughing at me anyways because you know how I love to pulverize my already sketchy self-esteem?
I don’t even know how to respond to this. Seriously, I don’t. There’s nothing I can say. If Maddie can’t even put herself in my shoes for more than half a second—ugggghh. I’m just not gonna respond.
A bit later
Obviously I responded. See below. From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Right. Okay. But just so you know, it’s never okay to roll your eyes or laugh at someone. I mean, that’s just rude.
—Twinkle
I bet she won’t respond to that. I mean, what could she even say?
Still later
OMG she responded. From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Today
Hannah was doing that at something else, not you. She told me.
—M
So Hannah just happened to roll her eyes at the exact same time I made that joke? Mm-hmm. Super believable. And she just happened to make a joke and laugh right after, but that also had nothing to do with me.
What does Maddie not understand about how awful it feels to be made fun of for just existing? Why is this something I have to spell out for her?
Also? Still no apology. I’m not responding.
My computer just dinged. I thought it was an e-mail from Maddie again, maybe detailing exactly what joke Hannah was laughing at, or, if the universe liked me, another e-mail from N (I still haven’t responded to his poem; I’m trying to think of a cute thing to say), but it was Sahil!
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Font
Hi T,
Which font do you like better? See samples attached.
—Sahil
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Font? Why do you want me to pick a font?
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
All will be revealed soon! Pick, por favor.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Hmm, #1.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Excellent.
Wanna hang out after school tomorrow? Skid, Aaron, and I are going hiking at Red Fox Trail.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Sure! But hiking after school?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
I know, I know. Skid’s into botany and there’s an elusive variety of musk thistle that he’s desperate to track down. Aaron and I mostly just laugh at him and his nerdy plant guidebook the entire time, but it’s pretty fun.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
You had me at musk thistle. I’ll be there.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Font
Awesome! I’ll give you a ride after school if you want.
I can hang out with Sahil without all that electricity crackling between us. I’m sure I can do that. Also, I know I was being facetious about that whole musk thistle thing, but hiking with them does sound fun. (Even though most days I’d rather die than go outside to wheel the trash can to the curb.)
Love,
Twinkle
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Dudes. She’s coming on the hike with us tomorrow
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
yeah but is she coming as a friend or as a PGF?
<Text message 10:13 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
PGF?
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
potential girlfriend
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’m gonna make it clear that I like her as a PGF
<Text message 10:14 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Oh yeah? How are you gonna do that?
<Text message 10:15 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk but I’ve got moves you guys haven’t even seen yet
<Text message 10:15 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
lol right like how you knocked over the napkin dispenser at Perk? Come to think of it I HADN’T ever seen that move before
<Text message 10:16 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
HILARIOUS
<Text message 10:16 p.m.>
