From Twinkle, with Love
Page 32
“Maddie doesn’t like to talk about it, but her mom died when she was two,” I explained.
“I remember that from elementary school.” He was still holding my hand, and he tugged on it, drawing me closer to him. “But you caught that on camera. You have the unique gift of catching the truths people keep hidden.”
I looked up into his eyes. I was close enough to him that I could smell his lemon soap. “So, what’s your truth?” I found myself asking, barely able to hear myself over the sound of my thundering heart. “What are you keeping hidden?”
Sahil looked down at our hands, clasped together, my dark fingers against his light-brown ones. “Sometimes …,” he said, his voice quiet and halting. “Sometimes I worry I don’t know who I really am. Sometimes I’m afraid nothing I do will ever be enough to set me apart.” I got the feeling he’d never said those words out loud before, that he’d probably never say them again.
I squeezed his hand gently, until his eyes found mine. “I understand,” I said, “more than you know.”
“I don’t believe that,” Sahil replied. “It’s so obvious that the world needs your voice.”
I shook my head. “I’m just as confident about you as you are about me. So if you don’t know you who are, Sahil, ask me and I’ll tell you.
“You’ll go on a botany hike on a ninety-degree day or to a headache-inducing music festival even if it’s not your thing because a friend asks you to. You’ll go out of your way to pick someone up in your car because you know they need it. You’re brilliant at giving your opinion on a scene we’re filming, but you’re equally good at stepping aside and letting me take over. You’re one of those rare people who can see when they’re being unreasonable and temper themselves. You see me as an artist in a way no one else has, and I think it’s because you have an artist’s soul too.”
We were looking into each other’s eyes as I talked, and when I fell silent, we were still gazing at each other. Sahil leaned in a bit, asking permission. After only the slightest pause, I leaned in too, giving it.
And then we were kissing, tentative at first, but soon hungrier, our arms snaking around each other, our breaths coming quicker and quicker. It was like a movie kiss. I don’t even care if that sounds childish. You know how people are always swooning over that kiss in the movie The Notebook, the one in the rain? That one would rate a -2 on the romance meter compared to the one Sahil and I shared.
When Sahil and I came up for air, I leaned back, just like I’d done before. “Remember when I said I wanted to keep things professional? I’m pretty sure this is an HR violation,” I said, but the fact that I was panting and flushed undermined my authority.
“Right,” he said, his voice shaky. “Professional. Until you figure things out.”
I nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
“And … what are you figuring out again?”
I wanted to tell him. I really, really did. But how could I? After everything he’d just told me, I couldn’t think of a single way to say I might want to date his twin brother without hurting him, and without hurting myself. Because I wasn’t foolish enough to delude myself for this long—I was absolutely, totally, and completely falling for Sahil Roy.
“I just need some more time. And then I’ll tell you everything.”
I would, I decided. Even if I ended up with Sahil, I’d still tell him about my secret admirer and my struggle. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad because we’d have our happy ending. But not now. Not yet. I could not let go of the idea of Neil and me, the one I’d had for so many years now.
“Okay,” he said. Then he smiled, this soft, sweet thing that made my heart squeeze. “Hey, T?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” Briefly, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. Then he pulled back. “I’m gonna go grab a soda. Can I get you anything?”
“Some cold water would be great,” I said, and he nodded and left.
So that’s where I am now. Sitting on Sahil’s chair, disappointed at my own idiotic stubbornness and so confused, too. Because it would feel so right to let things progress with Sahil. It would feel so right to fall in love with him.
Love,
Twinkle
<text message 3:31 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
I spent the morning with Twinkle but … something’s off
<text message 3:31 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
what do you mean? are you wearing deodorant like I said?
<text message 3:32 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Dude enough with the deodorant. It feels like she’s holding back but I don’t think it’s just the professional thing like she said before. Something else is up
<text message 3:32 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Have you asked her?
<text message 3:33 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Yeah all she says is she needs time
<text message 3:34 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
then you gotta give her time man
<text message 3:34 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk what if she’s not into me or she pities me or something man
<text message 3:35 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Sahil. How long have you had a crush on this girl?
<text message 3:35 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
don’t forget that time we found her yearbook photo in his room UNDER HIS PILLOW
<text message 3:36 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
That happened ONCE and I was 11! I hadn’t figured out yet what was creepy when it came to girls
<text message 3:36 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Ignore him. Look you said the other night that Twinkle sees you for you. Like she gets you. So don’t throw that away man. She likes you. If she needs time just give her time
<text message 3:37 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
I’m with Aaron on this one bro
<text message 3:37 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Okay you’re right I can do that. She likes me and I can give her time
<text message 3:39 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Good. Now that that’s settled do you want to do something fun? Do you want to go to Taco Bell?
<text message 3:40 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Taco Bell? Wait. Are you quoting Mean Girls again?
<text message 3:41 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Well I mean it is the greatest movie of all time so
<text message 3:41 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Yeah ok fine. Pick you up in ten, losers
Sunday, June 14
East library bathroom
Dear Sofia Coppola, I didn’t know if Maddie would show up to the study group. I mean, she didn’t need it, let’s be honest, and she’s so mad at me. I’m mad at her too, for practically saying the one thing I’ve always been too afraid to confront head-on: that even if things changed for me with the movie, I wouldn’t be good enough to hang out with her and her new friends. That at heart, I’m a groundling, and I’ll always be one.
But I still love her. And I still want her to find her person. The one who’ll make her life feel more … complete. The one who can see her like she wants to be seen. I mean, everyone deserves that.
She and Brij are so made for each other. I think they’d be happy together. Happier than her and Lewis, who brought her to study group today. And then they’ve spent the entire thirty minutes—that’s how long we’ve been here—whispering to each other. She sat next to Brij, which was a good sign, I thought, until I saw her and Lewis having these hushed, private conversations. Poor Brij looked all wilted, too. But then she’d talk to him and laugh with him and put her hand on his arm to make a point. Talk about confusing, Maddie. Doesn’t she care about anyone’s feelings anymore??
“I remember that from elementary school.” He was still holding my hand, and he tugged on it, drawing me closer to him. “But you caught that on camera. You have the unique gift of catching the truths people keep hidden.”
I looked up into his eyes. I was close enough to him that I could smell his lemon soap. “So, what’s your truth?” I found myself asking, barely able to hear myself over the sound of my thundering heart. “What are you keeping hidden?”
Sahil looked down at our hands, clasped together, my dark fingers against his light-brown ones. “Sometimes …,” he said, his voice quiet and halting. “Sometimes I worry I don’t know who I really am. Sometimes I’m afraid nothing I do will ever be enough to set me apart.” I got the feeling he’d never said those words out loud before, that he’d probably never say them again.
I squeezed his hand gently, until his eyes found mine. “I understand,” I said, “more than you know.”
“I don’t believe that,” Sahil replied. “It’s so obvious that the world needs your voice.”
I shook my head. “I’m just as confident about you as you are about me. So if you don’t know you who are, Sahil, ask me and I’ll tell you.
“You’ll go on a botany hike on a ninety-degree day or to a headache-inducing music festival even if it’s not your thing because a friend asks you to. You’ll go out of your way to pick someone up in your car because you know they need it. You’re brilliant at giving your opinion on a scene we’re filming, but you’re equally good at stepping aside and letting me take over. You’re one of those rare people who can see when they’re being unreasonable and temper themselves. You see me as an artist in a way no one else has, and I think it’s because you have an artist’s soul too.”
We were looking into each other’s eyes as I talked, and when I fell silent, we were still gazing at each other. Sahil leaned in a bit, asking permission. After only the slightest pause, I leaned in too, giving it.
And then we were kissing, tentative at first, but soon hungrier, our arms snaking around each other, our breaths coming quicker and quicker. It was like a movie kiss. I don’t even care if that sounds childish. You know how people are always swooning over that kiss in the movie The Notebook, the one in the rain? That one would rate a -2 on the romance meter compared to the one Sahil and I shared.
When Sahil and I came up for air, I leaned back, just like I’d done before. “Remember when I said I wanted to keep things professional? I’m pretty sure this is an HR violation,” I said, but the fact that I was panting and flushed undermined my authority.
“Right,” he said, his voice shaky. “Professional. Until you figure things out.”
I nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
“And … what are you figuring out again?”
I wanted to tell him. I really, really did. But how could I? After everything he’d just told me, I couldn’t think of a single way to say I might want to date his twin brother without hurting him, and without hurting myself. Because I wasn’t foolish enough to delude myself for this long—I was absolutely, totally, and completely falling for Sahil Roy.
“I just need some more time. And then I’ll tell you everything.”
I would, I decided. Even if I ended up with Sahil, I’d still tell him about my secret admirer and my struggle. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad because we’d have our happy ending. But not now. Not yet. I could not let go of the idea of Neil and me, the one I’d had for so many years now.
“Okay,” he said. Then he smiled, this soft, sweet thing that made my heart squeeze. “Hey, T?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.” Briefly, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. Then he pulled back. “I’m gonna go grab a soda. Can I get you anything?”
“Some cold water would be great,” I said, and he nodded and left.
So that’s where I am now. Sitting on Sahil’s chair, disappointed at my own idiotic stubbornness and so confused, too. Because it would feel so right to let things progress with Sahil. It would feel so right to fall in love with him.
Love,
Twinkle
<text message 3:31 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
I spent the morning with Twinkle but … something’s off
<text message 3:31 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
what do you mean? are you wearing deodorant like I said?
<text message 3:32 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Dude enough with the deodorant. It feels like she’s holding back but I don’t think it’s just the professional thing like she said before. Something else is up
<text message 3:32 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Have you asked her?
<text message 3:33 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Yeah all she says is she needs time
<text message 3:34 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
then you gotta give her time man
<text message 3:34 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Idk what if she’s not into me or she pities me or something man
<text message 3:35 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Sahil. How long have you had a crush on this girl?
<text message 3:35 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
don’t forget that time we found her yearbook photo in his room UNDER HIS PILLOW
<text message 3:36 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
That happened ONCE and I was 11! I hadn’t figured out yet what was creepy when it came to girls
<text message 3:36 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Ignore him. Look you said the other night that Twinkle sees you for you. Like she gets you. So don’t throw that away man. She likes you. If she needs time just give her time
<text message 3:37 p.m.>
From: Skid
To: Sahil, Aaron
I’m with Aaron on this one bro
<text message 3:37 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Okay you’re right I can do that. She likes me and I can give her time
<text message 3:39 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Good. Now that that’s settled do you want to do something fun? Do you want to go to Taco Bell?
<text message 3:40 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Taco Bell? Wait. Are you quoting Mean Girls again?
<text message 3:41 p.m.>
From: Aaron
To: Sahil, Skid
Well I mean it is the greatest movie of all time so
<text message 3:41 p.m.>
From: Sahil
To: Skid, Aaron
Yeah ok fine. Pick you up in ten, losers
Sunday, June 14
East library bathroom
Dear Sofia Coppola, I didn’t know if Maddie would show up to the study group. I mean, she didn’t need it, let’s be honest, and she’s so mad at me. I’m mad at her too, for practically saying the one thing I’ve always been too afraid to confront head-on: that even if things changed for me with the movie, I wouldn’t be good enough to hang out with her and her new friends. That at heart, I’m a groundling, and I’ll always be one.
But I still love her. And I still want her to find her person. The one who’ll make her life feel more … complete. The one who can see her like she wants to be seen. I mean, everyone deserves that.
She and Brij are so made for each other. I think they’d be happy together. Happier than her and Lewis, who brought her to study group today. And then they’ve spent the entire thirty minutes—that’s how long we’ve been here—whispering to each other. She sat next to Brij, which was a good sign, I thought, until I saw her and Lewis having these hushed, private conversations. Poor Brij looked all wilted, too. But then she’d talk to him and laugh with him and put her hand on his arm to make a point. Talk about confusing, Maddie. Doesn’t she care about anyone’s feelings anymore??
