From Twinkle, with Love
Page 46
Brij looked at me again. “Can we just …? Do we have to talk here?”
I sighed and tried not to let my impatience show. This was either about Maddie leaving with Lewis or the film, neither of which were high on my list at the moment. “Look, Brij, whatever you want to say, you can say it in front of Sahil. Just … can you please make it quick? I have to go do something.”
He stared at me for another long moment in silence. I waited, my eyebrows up, and then sighed as I tried to push past him. “Okay, well, if you aren’t going to say anything, I’m just gonna—”
“I’m N.”
I stopped breathing. To be more accurate, it felt like the entire world stopped breathing. The wind kept whistling and pushing, but the rest of it—the stars, Sahil, the lake, the earth—everything stilled. After a while, I realized I was shaking my head and forced myself to speak. My voice came out like a croak, so I cleared my throat and tried again. “Wait. What?” I stutter-laughed. “That doesn’t make any sense. Your … Your name is Brij.”
“You’re the only one who calls me that,” he said quietly, digging the toe of his shoe into the dirt.
“Right.” I heard the blood whoosh through my ears. “Because everyone else calls you Nath.” Nath. N. How had I not seen that? “And your middle name is …”
“Indresh.”
BINadmiringyou. Brij Indresh Nath. I nodded and swallowed. “You … you like me?”
“Yes. No. I mean, I did at first.” He glanced down at his shoes. “But then …”
“Maddie,” I said. It wasn’t a question. It was pretty clear to see that he liked her. That she liked him, too, even though she had temporarily lost the plot and was going after Lewis Shore for some reason.
He nodded. “I kept trying to make things work with you, wanting them to work because I’d already e-mailed you and you’d e-mailed back and everything. But the more I spent time with her …” He shrugged.
“That’s why you canceled our meet-up at the Perk. And why you sounded so unenthusiastic.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I was … I was about to tell, um, N tonight that I wasn’t interested. That’s where I was going.”
“Right.” Brij frowned. “But you didn’t know it was me. So … who did you think it was?”
I glanced up the path, where Neil and his swim-team buddies were hanging out, laughing.
“Neil Roy?” Brij’s face was alit with disbelief. “You thought Neil Roy was e-mailing you?”
I glared at him, offended. “You don’t have to sound so surprised. It could happen.”
“Wait.” Sahil was suddenly standing beside us. Ohhhhhh crap. I’d forgotten for a moment that he was listening to everything. Oh, no, no, no. “You had a secret e-mail admirer who you were e-mailing back and forth with, and you thought it was my brother?”
Brij shifted. I saw him in my peripheral vision as Sahil and I stared at each other. “Um, guys? I’m gonna … just … yeah. Okay.” He hurried off.
My heart was sinking, but I rallied. This was bad, but not unsalvageable. I mean, I could just explain. He had to understand. “I did think it was Neil. But I was going to tell him tonight that—”
“You know what?” Sahil scoffed, putting his hands in his hoodie pockets. “I am such an idiot.”
“What?” I frowned and reached for him, but he stepped back. “No, you’re not. Don’t say that.”
“No, I am, actually.” His eyes were full of a brilliant, burning hurt. “Because I thought that for once in my life someone important to me was appreciating me for who I was. I thought you were falling for me, that you saw me just for me, outside of my brother.”
“I did,” I said, my heart breaking at the pain in his voice, on his face.
“No, you didn’t! The entire time, you were comparing me to Neil. The entire time I was falling for you, Twinkle, you were falling for who you thought was my brother. You were weighing your options. That’s why you wouldn’t fully commit to me. You wanted to see if my brother would be better boyfriend material. That’s what it was all about. But don’t you know by now? In the comparison between Neil and Sahil Roy, Neil Roy will always come out on top. He’s smarter, more athletically gifted, Harvard bound. He’s the golden boy. I could’ve saved you a lot of time if you’d just asked me.” He laughed mirthlessly and kicked a rock.
“Stop,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “That’s not what I was doing at all; I wasn’t weighing you against him! Sahil, I was falling for you, too. That’s the realization I was coming to this whole time. That I liked you. I had this idealized, fantasy version of Neil in my head. But my fantasy wasn’t about Neil at all. Okay? It was about me, my need to be more than just some wallflower!”
“But Neil was the one you wanted. I’m not even surprised.” He looked away, out at the lake.
I grabbed his upper arm and he looked back at me. “So what? So what that I thought I wanted Neil? I’ve fallen for you, Sahil. That’s what I was going to do tonight—to tell Neil I didn’t have feelings for him. Because you’re the one I want.”
Shaking his head, he pulled his arm from my hand. “It’s too late, Twinkle,” he said, thrusting a shaky hand through his hair. “We can’t be together now without me constantly wondering if I’m just some—some sloppy seconds. Your e-mail admirer wasn’t my brother. Your feelings for him are still unrequited. That will always, always be between us, like a shadow of him there. You never just CHOSE ME!”
“I’m choosing you now! And my feelings aren’t unrequited.” I tried not to yell, but I was getting desperate. This couldn’t be it. It just couldn’t. Sahil had to understand. “My feelings were never for him, Sahil. They were always for you.”
Sahil shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and began to walk backward, away from me. “Well, I wish you would’ve realized that sooner.”
“Wait, Sahil—”
He turned and was gone.
Victoria tried to rope me into staying late, but I literally felt like my entire body was numb. I could barely talk. So she gave me a ride home instead. She asked me a few times what was wrong, but when I just kept shaking my head, she left me alone and told me to call her if I wanted to talk to her later.
I don’t want to talk later. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m a horrible person. I deserve to live out the rest of my days underground, like the naked mole rat that’s absolutely revolting to look at and lives forever in darkness and isolation.
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Behind-the-scenes footage
Skid,
I’m sorry to change this so late in the game. But I think I want to go in a different direction for the end footage than what I was originally thinking. Can you just do the best you can with this (attached)?
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage
You sure? This is … pretty different.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage
I’m sure. Just do your best, okay? Thanks, Skid.
Twenty-One
Friday, June 26
1 day until Midsummer Night
Backyard
Dear Jane Campion, Today I was moping around after school. Mummy was substitute teaching again (sometimes she likes to stay late to help grade tests) and Papa was at the youth home, where he’d be all weekend. I’d hidden in the library at lunch again and had pretty much avoided or been avoided by all the people I didn’t want to see. Once I caught sight of Sahil coming down the hallway and leaped into the janitor’s closet. Does that surprise you? I think it’s pretty clear by now that I don’t always make the best choices.
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, watching some show about a police dog who was getting a medal for bravery (why does everyone else’s life have to be so full of colorful, interesting things?) when Dadi came to sit beside me. She just sat there and watched with me for a while, but I could tell from the way she kept shifting around and drumming her fingers on her sari-clad thigh that she was bubbling with something. There should’ve been steam coming out of her ears and nose like a pressure cooker.
I sighed and tried not to let my impatience show. This was either about Maddie leaving with Lewis or the film, neither of which were high on my list at the moment. “Look, Brij, whatever you want to say, you can say it in front of Sahil. Just … can you please make it quick? I have to go do something.”
He stared at me for another long moment in silence. I waited, my eyebrows up, and then sighed as I tried to push past him. “Okay, well, if you aren’t going to say anything, I’m just gonna—”
“I’m N.”
I stopped breathing. To be more accurate, it felt like the entire world stopped breathing. The wind kept whistling and pushing, but the rest of it—the stars, Sahil, the lake, the earth—everything stilled. After a while, I realized I was shaking my head and forced myself to speak. My voice came out like a croak, so I cleared my throat and tried again. “Wait. What?” I stutter-laughed. “That doesn’t make any sense. Your … Your name is Brij.”
“You’re the only one who calls me that,” he said quietly, digging the toe of his shoe into the dirt.
“Right.” I heard the blood whoosh through my ears. “Because everyone else calls you Nath.” Nath. N. How had I not seen that? “And your middle name is …”
“Indresh.”
BINadmiringyou. Brij Indresh Nath. I nodded and swallowed. “You … you like me?”
“Yes. No. I mean, I did at first.” He glanced down at his shoes. “But then …”
“Maddie,” I said. It wasn’t a question. It was pretty clear to see that he liked her. That she liked him, too, even though she had temporarily lost the plot and was going after Lewis Shore for some reason.
He nodded. “I kept trying to make things work with you, wanting them to work because I’d already e-mailed you and you’d e-mailed back and everything. But the more I spent time with her …” He shrugged.
“That’s why you canceled our meet-up at the Perk. And why you sounded so unenthusiastic.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I was … I was about to tell, um, N tonight that I wasn’t interested. That’s where I was going.”
“Right.” Brij frowned. “But you didn’t know it was me. So … who did you think it was?”
I glanced up the path, where Neil and his swim-team buddies were hanging out, laughing.
“Neil Roy?” Brij’s face was alit with disbelief. “You thought Neil Roy was e-mailing you?”
I glared at him, offended. “You don’t have to sound so surprised. It could happen.”
“Wait.” Sahil was suddenly standing beside us. Ohhhhhh crap. I’d forgotten for a moment that he was listening to everything. Oh, no, no, no. “You had a secret e-mail admirer who you were e-mailing back and forth with, and you thought it was my brother?”
Brij shifted. I saw him in my peripheral vision as Sahil and I stared at each other. “Um, guys? I’m gonna … just … yeah. Okay.” He hurried off.
My heart was sinking, but I rallied. This was bad, but not unsalvageable. I mean, I could just explain. He had to understand. “I did think it was Neil. But I was going to tell him tonight that—”
“You know what?” Sahil scoffed, putting his hands in his hoodie pockets. “I am such an idiot.”
“What?” I frowned and reached for him, but he stepped back. “No, you’re not. Don’t say that.”
“No, I am, actually.” His eyes were full of a brilliant, burning hurt. “Because I thought that for once in my life someone important to me was appreciating me for who I was. I thought you were falling for me, that you saw me just for me, outside of my brother.”
“I did,” I said, my heart breaking at the pain in his voice, on his face.
“No, you didn’t! The entire time, you were comparing me to Neil. The entire time I was falling for you, Twinkle, you were falling for who you thought was my brother. You were weighing your options. That’s why you wouldn’t fully commit to me. You wanted to see if my brother would be better boyfriend material. That’s what it was all about. But don’t you know by now? In the comparison between Neil and Sahil Roy, Neil Roy will always come out on top. He’s smarter, more athletically gifted, Harvard bound. He’s the golden boy. I could’ve saved you a lot of time if you’d just asked me.” He laughed mirthlessly and kicked a rock.
“Stop,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “That’s not what I was doing at all; I wasn’t weighing you against him! Sahil, I was falling for you, too. That’s the realization I was coming to this whole time. That I liked you. I had this idealized, fantasy version of Neil in my head. But my fantasy wasn’t about Neil at all. Okay? It was about me, my need to be more than just some wallflower!”
“But Neil was the one you wanted. I’m not even surprised.” He looked away, out at the lake.
I grabbed his upper arm and he looked back at me. “So what? So what that I thought I wanted Neil? I’ve fallen for you, Sahil. That’s what I was going to do tonight—to tell Neil I didn’t have feelings for him. Because you’re the one I want.”
Shaking his head, he pulled his arm from my hand. “It’s too late, Twinkle,” he said, thrusting a shaky hand through his hair. “We can’t be together now without me constantly wondering if I’m just some—some sloppy seconds. Your e-mail admirer wasn’t my brother. Your feelings for him are still unrequited. That will always, always be between us, like a shadow of him there. You never just CHOSE ME!”
“I’m choosing you now! And my feelings aren’t unrequited.” I tried not to yell, but I was getting desperate. This couldn’t be it. It just couldn’t. Sahil had to understand. “My feelings were never for him, Sahil. They were always for you.”
Sahil shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and began to walk backward, away from me. “Well, I wish you would’ve realized that sooner.”
“Wait, Sahil—”
He turned and was gone.
Victoria tried to rope me into staying late, but I literally felt like my entire body was numb. I could barely talk. So she gave me a ride home instead. She asked me a few times what was wrong, but when I just kept shaking my head, she left me alone and told me to call her if I wanted to talk to her later.
I don’t want to talk later. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m a horrible person. I deserve to live out the rest of my days underground, like the naked mole rat that’s absolutely revolting to look at and lives forever in darkness and isolation.
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Behind-the-scenes footage
Skid,
I’m sorry to change this so late in the game. But I think I want to go in a different direction for the end footage than what I was originally thinking. Can you just do the best you can with this (attached)?
—Twinkle
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage
You sure? This is … pretty different.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Behind-the-scenes footage
I’m sure. Just do your best, okay? Thanks, Skid.
Twenty-One
Friday, June 26
1 day until Midsummer Night
Backyard
Dear Jane Campion, Today I was moping around after school. Mummy was substitute teaching again (sometimes she likes to stay late to help grade tests) and Papa was at the youth home, where he’d be all weekend. I’d hidden in the library at lunch again and had pretty much avoided or been avoided by all the people I didn’t want to see. Once I caught sight of Sahil coming down the hallway and leaped into the janitor’s closet. Does that surprise you? I think it’s pretty clear by now that I don’t always make the best choices.
Anyway, I was sitting on the couch, watching some show about a police dog who was getting a medal for bravery (why does everyone else’s life have to be so full of colorful, interesting things?) when Dadi came to sit beside me. She just sat there and watched with me for a while, but I could tell from the way she kept shifting around and drumming her fingers on her sari-clad thigh that she was bubbling with something. There should’ve been steam coming out of her ears and nose like a pressure cooker.
