From Twinkle, with Love
Page 48
Victoria nodded. I’d already apologized to her in her car yesterday.
“So, she just refused to accept my apology. Which, okay, after I talked to Sahil, I kinda get why she was mad.” Glancing at Vic, I shook my head. “I was making some bad choices, and Maddie was right to call me out on it. But at the same time, she isn’t blame-free. She’s been pulling away from me and blowing me off for Hannah and her other friends for a long time. She’s changed so much about herself, but somehow it’s all my fault for how I’ve changed? I told you, right, how she didn’t even want me to come to Hannah’s party?” It stung to talk about it, and I rubbed my chin and looked away, at my twinkle-light photo wall. I’d put up more pictures of me and Sahil, Skid, Aaron, and the others who were in the film. Maddie’s and my pictures were off to the sides now, no longer the main focus of my life.
Victoria leaned back in my squeaky chair and picked up one of my pens. Tapping it against the palm of her other hand, she said, “Hmm. Okay, so first, Maddie pulling away from you? Totally sucks. She didn’t handle that well at all. I even told her a couple of times that she should invite you to my place to hang out. But then Hannah would just say, ‘Twinkle’s just going to be out of place here. She doesn’t know all the people we know, so it’s better for her if we just leave her out.’”
“Great.”
“And Maddie went along with it. But here’s the thing—I don’t think Maddie wanted to leave you out. It was more like … she didn’t know how to integrate you into her new life. Especially with the loudest, most convincing one among us—Hannah—telling her it was for your own good.”
“So it’s not Maddie’s fault at all? It’s all Hannah’s fault?” I shook my head. “I can’t accept that.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Victoria frowned. “Like I said, Maddie didn’t handle it well. I’m just trying to help you understand from my perspective what went down. Anyway, I don’t even think it’s Hannah’s fault, exactly. I mean, sure, she’s constantly worked to keep you excluded, saying someone like you would just feel uncomfortable with people like us.”
“Stop trying to cheer me up,” I mumbled.
“But,” Victoria said, holding up one pointy finger, “I think that has to do more with Hannah’s insecurities than about you. She’s … super jealous.”
I jerked my head up. “Wait, what? You think she’s jealous … of me? Are you drunk?”
Vic threw her arms up and grinned. “On youth and beauty!” Then, seeing my raised eyebrow, she lowered her arms and got serious. “Look, Hannah’s BFF is Maddie, okay? But Maddie’s BFF, no question, has always been you. Even when she hangs out with us, she used to bring you up in every other conversation. ‘Oh, Twinkle had me watch that movie once. I didn’t get it, but she was talking about the symbolism and structure. She’s such a genius.’ ‘This one time, Twinkle and I made these peanut butter brownies, but we ended up almost burning down the kitchen and then her dadi tried to do a spell or something to get rid of the bad juju we’d invited into the house. Her parents were soooo mad. It was hilarious! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!’” Victoria looked at me. “And you’re always so sharp in AP English with all your comments and questions, and Maddie just about burst with pride when you won that essay competition. You see what I’m saying?”
I bit my lip, still not convinced. “I think so. …”
“Hannah just can’t compete. So she reacts the only way she knows how: by trying to keep the two of you apart. Han’s never been super good at managing her negative emotions. She’s so used to everyone loving her best. It’s not easy for her. I tried to suggest including you more, so she could get to know you too, but she was not on board for that. It’s scary for her.” Victoria shrugged. “I mean, it’s not an excuse and she’s spoiled, no question. But maybe it’ll help for you to see why she’s like that.”
I couldn’t believe it. Hannah, with her cool palindrome of a name and her shiny, purple VW Bug, was jealous of me? Of how much Maddie loved me? The entire time I thought I was an invisible wallflower, I was intimidating to Hannah Macintosh? It made me feel bad for her. Maddie’s such a cool person. I know how much it sucks to lose her as a friend. But what if I’d never had the opportunity to be her best friend at all? What if I’d always known that there was someone else she liked more? What if I had to be relegated to second place all the time? That would suck even worse.
“Wow,” I breathed after a moment.
“Yeah. Case in point …” Vic pulled something out of the pocket of her skirt and held it out, her fist closed around it.
“What is it?” I asked, automatically extending my hand, palm open, so she could drop it in.
“Maddie wanted you to have that.”
I looked at the shiny metal in my palm. It was a silver charm bracelet with two charms on it. One was a video camera, and the other was half a broken heart with the words “Twinkle Mehra, Director” engraved on it. I looked up at Vic, blinking.
“She’s got the other half of that heart charm,” she said. “Hers says ‘Lead Actress, Maddie Tanaka’ on it. She told me she ordered it when you first cast her; it just came in.”
I was one of her charm bracelet buddies now. Was that Maddie’s way of telling me I was just as important to her as the rest of them? I closed my fist around the bracelet. “She gave it to you, not me,” I said, my voice thick.
“Yeah.” Victoria sighed. “She wanted you to have it, but …”
“But she didn’t want to see me or talk to me.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, not surprised that Maddie still had so much power over me.
“She’s pretty mad,” Vic explained.
We sat in silence. There wasn’t much to say about that.
After a few moments, Vic said, “It’s Sahil, right?”
Startled, I looked at her. “What?”
“You know.” She waved my pen around in the air. “The one you’re pining after. The one you dressed up for that one night. The one you’re so completely in love with.”
I shrugged.
“Mm-hmm.” She tossed my pen back on my desk and hopped up. “Come on.”
I frowned. “Where are we going?”
“Perk—we need some caffeine and sugar. I can’t have you Eeyoring it up tomorrow at Midsummer Night, Miss Director. So we’re going to flush this whatever-it-is out of your system. Let’s go.”
What choice did I have? Vic’s like a gale-force wind, sweeping people up in her wake like helpless little leaves. Setting the charm bracelet down on my desk, I followed her, and now we’re hurtling toward Perk. More soon; she’s trying to peek into this diary while also incessantly asking me questions.
Love,
Twinkle
Twenty-Two
Friday, June 26
Perk
Dear Sofia Coppola, Maybe I’m stuck in one of those repeating wormholes or something (is that a thing? Neil, the future astrophysicist, would know) where time loops infinitely and I’m forced to just repeat a sucky time in my life forever. Like that old movie? What’s it called? Warthog Day or something?
So I’m standing in line at Perk, about to order a caramel frap for myself and a skinny soy latte for Vic (she was in the bathroom) when the door dings and someone comes in. I look up to see Sahil, who sees me at the same time. And we both just sort of … stop. It was like the entire buzzy, loud chatter of the other people in there went silent. I stared at him; he stared at me.
Finally, his paralysis broke and he forced himself to trudge toward me. It killed me a little to see that, the forcing and the trudging, both. It was like he couldn’t even stand to wait in line with me anymore.
“Hey,” I said, smiling a little.
He just nodded, his hands deep in his jeans pockets. He barely looked at me. His hair was adorably mussed, his vintage Poltergeist T-shirt hugging his frame nicely. I missed him so much. I just wanted to throw my arms around his neck, snuggle into his chest, and smell him. But I didn’t. I forced myself to keep my distance.
“So, she just refused to accept my apology. Which, okay, after I talked to Sahil, I kinda get why she was mad.” Glancing at Vic, I shook my head. “I was making some bad choices, and Maddie was right to call me out on it. But at the same time, she isn’t blame-free. She’s been pulling away from me and blowing me off for Hannah and her other friends for a long time. She’s changed so much about herself, but somehow it’s all my fault for how I’ve changed? I told you, right, how she didn’t even want me to come to Hannah’s party?” It stung to talk about it, and I rubbed my chin and looked away, at my twinkle-light photo wall. I’d put up more pictures of me and Sahil, Skid, Aaron, and the others who were in the film. Maddie’s and my pictures were off to the sides now, no longer the main focus of my life.
Victoria leaned back in my squeaky chair and picked up one of my pens. Tapping it against the palm of her other hand, she said, “Hmm. Okay, so first, Maddie pulling away from you? Totally sucks. She didn’t handle that well at all. I even told her a couple of times that she should invite you to my place to hang out. But then Hannah would just say, ‘Twinkle’s just going to be out of place here. She doesn’t know all the people we know, so it’s better for her if we just leave her out.’”
“Great.”
“And Maddie went along with it. But here’s the thing—I don’t think Maddie wanted to leave you out. It was more like … she didn’t know how to integrate you into her new life. Especially with the loudest, most convincing one among us—Hannah—telling her it was for your own good.”
“So it’s not Maddie’s fault at all? It’s all Hannah’s fault?” I shook my head. “I can’t accept that.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” Victoria frowned. “Like I said, Maddie didn’t handle it well. I’m just trying to help you understand from my perspective what went down. Anyway, I don’t even think it’s Hannah’s fault, exactly. I mean, sure, she’s constantly worked to keep you excluded, saying someone like you would just feel uncomfortable with people like us.”
“Stop trying to cheer me up,” I mumbled.
“But,” Victoria said, holding up one pointy finger, “I think that has to do more with Hannah’s insecurities than about you. She’s … super jealous.”
I jerked my head up. “Wait, what? You think she’s jealous … of me? Are you drunk?”
Vic threw her arms up and grinned. “On youth and beauty!” Then, seeing my raised eyebrow, she lowered her arms and got serious. “Look, Hannah’s BFF is Maddie, okay? But Maddie’s BFF, no question, has always been you. Even when she hangs out with us, she used to bring you up in every other conversation. ‘Oh, Twinkle had me watch that movie once. I didn’t get it, but she was talking about the symbolism and structure. She’s such a genius.’ ‘This one time, Twinkle and I made these peanut butter brownies, but we ended up almost burning down the kitchen and then her dadi tried to do a spell or something to get rid of the bad juju we’d invited into the house. Her parents were soooo mad. It was hilarious! I’ve never laughed so hard in my life!’” Victoria looked at me. “And you’re always so sharp in AP English with all your comments and questions, and Maddie just about burst with pride when you won that essay competition. You see what I’m saying?”
I bit my lip, still not convinced. “I think so. …”
“Hannah just can’t compete. So she reacts the only way she knows how: by trying to keep the two of you apart. Han’s never been super good at managing her negative emotions. She’s so used to everyone loving her best. It’s not easy for her. I tried to suggest including you more, so she could get to know you too, but she was not on board for that. It’s scary for her.” Victoria shrugged. “I mean, it’s not an excuse and she’s spoiled, no question. But maybe it’ll help for you to see why she’s like that.”
I couldn’t believe it. Hannah, with her cool palindrome of a name and her shiny, purple VW Bug, was jealous of me? Of how much Maddie loved me? The entire time I thought I was an invisible wallflower, I was intimidating to Hannah Macintosh? It made me feel bad for her. Maddie’s such a cool person. I know how much it sucks to lose her as a friend. But what if I’d never had the opportunity to be her best friend at all? What if I’d always known that there was someone else she liked more? What if I had to be relegated to second place all the time? That would suck even worse.
“Wow,” I breathed after a moment.
“Yeah. Case in point …” Vic pulled something out of the pocket of her skirt and held it out, her fist closed around it.
“What is it?” I asked, automatically extending my hand, palm open, so she could drop it in.
“Maddie wanted you to have that.”
I looked at the shiny metal in my palm. It was a silver charm bracelet with two charms on it. One was a video camera, and the other was half a broken heart with the words “Twinkle Mehra, Director” engraved on it. I looked up at Vic, blinking.
“She’s got the other half of that heart charm,” she said. “Hers says ‘Lead Actress, Maddie Tanaka’ on it. She told me she ordered it when you first cast her; it just came in.”
I was one of her charm bracelet buddies now. Was that Maddie’s way of telling me I was just as important to her as the rest of them? I closed my fist around the bracelet. “She gave it to you, not me,” I said, my voice thick.
“Yeah.” Victoria sighed. “She wanted you to have it, but …”
“But she didn’t want to see me or talk to me.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, not surprised that Maddie still had so much power over me.
“She’s pretty mad,” Vic explained.
We sat in silence. There wasn’t much to say about that.
After a few moments, Vic said, “It’s Sahil, right?”
Startled, I looked at her. “What?”
“You know.” She waved my pen around in the air. “The one you’re pining after. The one you dressed up for that one night. The one you’re so completely in love with.”
I shrugged.
“Mm-hmm.” She tossed my pen back on my desk and hopped up. “Come on.”
I frowned. “Where are we going?”
“Perk—we need some caffeine and sugar. I can’t have you Eeyoring it up tomorrow at Midsummer Night, Miss Director. So we’re going to flush this whatever-it-is out of your system. Let’s go.”
What choice did I have? Vic’s like a gale-force wind, sweeping people up in her wake like helpless little leaves. Setting the charm bracelet down on my desk, I followed her, and now we’re hurtling toward Perk. More soon; she’s trying to peek into this diary while also incessantly asking me questions.
Love,
Twinkle
Twenty-Two
Friday, June 26
Perk
Dear Sofia Coppola, Maybe I’m stuck in one of those repeating wormholes or something (is that a thing? Neil, the future astrophysicist, would know) where time loops infinitely and I’m forced to just repeat a sucky time in my life forever. Like that old movie? What’s it called? Warthog Day or something?
So I’m standing in line at Perk, about to order a caramel frap for myself and a skinny soy latte for Vic (she was in the bathroom) when the door dings and someone comes in. I look up to see Sahil, who sees me at the same time. And we both just sort of … stop. It was like the entire buzzy, loud chatter of the other people in there went silent. I stared at him; he stared at me.
Finally, his paralysis broke and he forced himself to trudge toward me. It killed me a little to see that, the forcing and the trudging, both. It was like he couldn’t even stand to wait in line with me anymore.
“Hey,” I said, smiling a little.
He just nodded, his hands deep in his jeans pockets. He barely looked at me. His hair was adorably mussed, his vintage Poltergeist T-shirt hugging his frame nicely. I missed him so much. I just wanted to throw my arms around his neck, snuggle into his chest, and smell him. But I didn’t. I forced myself to keep my distance.
