Going Bovine

Page 91

I give one good cough. My legs finally get the command and I push out of there with enough force to take Gonzo with me.
“Where’s Balder?” I scream.
“I don’t know!”
“I am here!” The world’s most badass Viking yard gnome is on the counter by the cash register using a dinner plate as a shield and a steak knife as a sword. “No doubt Loki has sent this treacherous wizard and his dragons to test me,” he shouts. “Fear not! I will slay them all and use their bones to adorn my table at Breidablik before I would allow them to harm you, noble Cameron!”
“I’m here, too, you know!” Gonzo shouts.
“Live to fight another day, my friend,” I say, grabbing him and pushing through the door into the smoky parking lot. People race away from the burning restaurant, searching for a safe spot in the madness. The sky’s unnaturally dark. Lightning boxes the clouds with quick uppercuts of electricity. Howling, the fire giants stretch over the top of the restaurant and beat their chests in triumph.
Just then, an enormous boom rattles the entire parking lot, and everything—the Konstant Kettle, the Mister Motel, the cars and trucks—is sucked into the swirling black hole above. The sky closes. There’s nothing left but flames and smoke and bystanders, and curiously, the restaurant’s collection of snow globes.
Across the freeway, the freaked-out patrons of the Konstant Kettle wave down cars, yelling for help. We run as fast and as far as we can, until we’re about a mile down the road. In the distance, a fleet of fire trucks screams toward the big orange fireball that used to be a restaurant. The Kettle is Konstant no more.
Gonzo comes toward me, wild-eyed. He makes a time-out T with his hands. “Okay. Pause game: what the hell just happened?” He’s panting.
“From the depths of Hel,” Balder whispers.
“That guy was the same one we saw in New Orleans,” Gonzo continues. “What’s he doing here with those creepy fire acrobats? And don’t tell me this is about some old dead jazzman’s gambling debts, ’cause I ain’t buying that mierda anymore.”
“I—I think they’re following us.” I’d cry, but I’m too scared.
Gonzo puts his inhaler so far into his mouth I think he’s going to eat it. “Holy Shithenge,” he says when he can talk again. “Why? What did you do to piss them off? Whatever it was, tell them you’re sorry!”
Balder strokes his beard. “This is some treachery brought about by Loki, I’ve no doubt. The trickster god is ever in play and will do his part to bring about the twilight of the gods.”
“You are freaking me out, gnome man!” Gonzo screeches.
“Chill, both of you.” Another siren wails past us on its way to the fire. I take a deep breath, try to calm myself. “He’s called the Wizard of Reckoning, and those guys with him are the fire giants. They’re not from this world. They got here through the wormhole Dr. X opened up. They are the dark energy that’s going to destroy the world. I think they’re following us to Dr. X’s secret location, because he’s the only one who can close the portal. They take him out first, it’s game over for everybody.”
Gonzo takes another puff on his inhaler.
“That’s why we have to find Dr. X as soon as possible,” I explain.
“This Dr. X will heal the rift and make it all better, as you say?” Balder asks.
“Absolutely,” I promise.
Gonzo reaches into his pack and comes up with a bottle of SPF-to-the-tenth-power lotion. He rubs a big dollop on his face; it leaves big white streaks under his eyes. “Hold up—how do you know all of this is true?”
“Dulcie told me.”
Gonzo laughs. “Oh sure, right. It must be true because you heard it from the hot angel who lives in your head! For all we know, she’s the one bringing the end of the world,” Gonzo says.
“She’s not.”
“Ha!” Gonzo starts throwing stuff into his pack. “You know what? Forget this, yo. I’m-a call my mom as soon as I can get to a working phone.”
“She doesn’t live in my head. She’s real,” I say, but I don’t know if I’m trying to convince Gonzo or myself.
“Yeah? So how come she doesn’t come around?” Gonzo puts his hands on either side of his mouth and calls out, “Paging all supernatural chicks with wings! Conference on the side of the road near the burning pancake palace!”
“Fuck you.”
“Whatever,” Gonzo snaps right back. “I’m just saying, it’s hard to believe in all this crazy without a little proof.”