Half-Off Ragnarok
Page 64
“Speaking of forgetting things,” I said, as delicately as I could, “weren’t we supposed to be discussing what our next move was going to be?”
“Don’t worry: it was not forgotten, merely . . . set aside for a short time, to allow us to remember that we are all friends here. We are all friends here, are we not?” Hannah’s smile suddenly seemed to contain a few too many teeth, and those teeth were very, very sharp.
There are times when no amount of reminding myself that I am a trained professional can override the small, frightened part of the mammalian brain, the one that is always six inches away from being eaten by something larger. I managed to swallow my shudder, but I couldn’t stop my skin from breaking out in goose bumps. “I’d certainly like to be, ma’am.”
“Good.” Hannah turned her attention on Dee, and I suddenly found it much easier to breathe. It’s never fun to be reminded that humans aren’t necessarily the apex predators on this planet. “What did your brother have to tell you?”
“That he’s lost a cockatrice recently, although he didn’t realize it until we came to see him; one of his little farmhands sold it to someone who came through the woods claiming to have been sent by us.”
“I see. Please do tell Walter that I am displeased with his ability to mind his people. I expected better of him than this. Your father always kept the fringe separate and safe. Your brother should do the same, if he expects to be allowed to keep it.”
Dee flinched, and nodded. “I’ll tell him.”
“So we know where the cockatrice was acquired, and better, we know that it is unlikely whoever is responsible will have access to more than one.” Hannah turned back to me as the gorgon teens returned with trays of cheese and fruit. “Are you satisfied that none of us is responsible for this horror?”
Every instinct I had shrieked at me to tell the nice giant snake-lady that yes, of course I was satisfied, now if she would please just refrain from eating me, that would be swell. Sometimes, training wins out over common sense. “Respectfully, ma’am, I am convinced of the exact opposite. I do believe you have not, as a community, declared war on the city of Columbus with nothing more than a single cockatrice. If you chose to break the peace, you would be much more efficient, and we wouldn’t be sitting here now. But Walter—who seems to keep his people on a very tight leash—was able to lose a cockatrice without realizing it. Dee comes and goes with impunity, and she can’t be the only one. I can’t say for sure that someone here is responsible for this. I can’t say for sure that the opposite is true, either.” I decided not to mention the lindworm. No cockatrice could have petrified it, but that would just complicate things in the here and now.
“What Alex means to say is ‘no,’” said Shelby. “Forgive him. His mother was a dictionary, and he feels like he’s dishonoring her if he uses simple words.”
I opened my mouth to protest, and stopped as I saw that Hannah was laughing silently, her mouth open and her fangs on casual display. Sinking back in my seat, I blinked and waited to hear what she would say next.
“Your point is a valid, if long-winded, one,” she said finally. “Go, then, Alexander Healy, and I will speak to those who dwell here with me. If there is a traitor or a misguided crusader in our midst, I will find them.”
“And will you tell me?” I asked. I didn’t bother to correct her on my last name. If she was a fan of my great-grandfather’s, I might as well take advantage of whatever goodwill that was going to buy me.
“I will,” she said. “I will not surrender them to you, but I assure you, justice will be done, within the standards of our law.”
Based on what I knew of gorgon law, that meant the offender would either get a stern lecture, or a swift death. I took a breath. “If there is any danger remaining to the people of Ohio—”
“There won’t be,” she said, and this time, when she smiled, there was no mistaking her fangs for teeth.
“I think that went well,” said Shelby amiably, as Dee and Frank walked us both out to my car. Faces peeked at us through the darkness; the gorgon teens who had served during dinner, trying to get one last look at their interesting guests. “No one got bitten and we didn’t need antivenin, so I’m calling it a victory.”
“You have an interesting definition of ‘victory,’” said Dee. She sounded exhausted.
“I’m with Shelby here, actually,” I said. “We’ve learned a lot, we’ve established that we mean no harm, and nobody got hurt, unless you count the poor lindworm.”
“We put that creature out of its misery,” said Frank. “Nothing reverses petrifaction that has gone that far. It would have died anyway, writhing and in pain.”
“Cheerful,” I said. I turned to Dee. “See you at work tomorrow?”
She blinked, and the snakes atop her head hissed in genuine surprise. “You still want me to come to work?”
“Dee, I knew you were a gorgon when I hired you, and I know neither you nor your husband is responsible for what’s happening at the zoo. I don’t think I can manage a cockatrice hunt and keep the reptile house running if I don’t have my assistant. Not to mention the part where I’m pretty much expecting the rest of the staff to stop showing up any day now. Most folks don’t like going to work when they’re afraid it will get them killed.”
Dee smiled a little. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good.” I extended my hand toward Frank. “It was a pleasure to meet you. If you ever need a source for larger medical supplies, let me know. My mother knows a Bigfoot metalworker who makes his own extra-large tools and equipment. She swears by his products.”
Frank looked pleased as he took my hand, his fingers eclipsing mine completely. “I will keep that in mind, Mr. Price,” he said. “This has been a very . . . edifying . . . evening. I look forward to seeing you again under less troubled circumstances.”
“Nice meeting everyone,” said Shelby. “You throw a good party. I wish everyone would arrange for giant lizard fights as an icebreaker.”
Dee laughed. There didn’t seem to be a better farewell than that, and so I got into the car, waiting for Shelby to do the same before I fastened my seat belt, started the engine, and pulled away.
“Don’t worry: it was not forgotten, merely . . . set aside for a short time, to allow us to remember that we are all friends here. We are all friends here, are we not?” Hannah’s smile suddenly seemed to contain a few too many teeth, and those teeth were very, very sharp.
There are times when no amount of reminding myself that I am a trained professional can override the small, frightened part of the mammalian brain, the one that is always six inches away from being eaten by something larger. I managed to swallow my shudder, but I couldn’t stop my skin from breaking out in goose bumps. “I’d certainly like to be, ma’am.”
“Good.” Hannah turned her attention on Dee, and I suddenly found it much easier to breathe. It’s never fun to be reminded that humans aren’t necessarily the apex predators on this planet. “What did your brother have to tell you?”
“That he’s lost a cockatrice recently, although he didn’t realize it until we came to see him; one of his little farmhands sold it to someone who came through the woods claiming to have been sent by us.”
“I see. Please do tell Walter that I am displeased with his ability to mind his people. I expected better of him than this. Your father always kept the fringe separate and safe. Your brother should do the same, if he expects to be allowed to keep it.”
Dee flinched, and nodded. “I’ll tell him.”
“So we know where the cockatrice was acquired, and better, we know that it is unlikely whoever is responsible will have access to more than one.” Hannah turned back to me as the gorgon teens returned with trays of cheese and fruit. “Are you satisfied that none of us is responsible for this horror?”
Every instinct I had shrieked at me to tell the nice giant snake-lady that yes, of course I was satisfied, now if she would please just refrain from eating me, that would be swell. Sometimes, training wins out over common sense. “Respectfully, ma’am, I am convinced of the exact opposite. I do believe you have not, as a community, declared war on the city of Columbus with nothing more than a single cockatrice. If you chose to break the peace, you would be much more efficient, and we wouldn’t be sitting here now. But Walter—who seems to keep his people on a very tight leash—was able to lose a cockatrice without realizing it. Dee comes and goes with impunity, and she can’t be the only one. I can’t say for sure that someone here is responsible for this. I can’t say for sure that the opposite is true, either.” I decided not to mention the lindworm. No cockatrice could have petrified it, but that would just complicate things in the here and now.
“What Alex means to say is ‘no,’” said Shelby. “Forgive him. His mother was a dictionary, and he feels like he’s dishonoring her if he uses simple words.”
I opened my mouth to protest, and stopped as I saw that Hannah was laughing silently, her mouth open and her fangs on casual display. Sinking back in my seat, I blinked and waited to hear what she would say next.
“Your point is a valid, if long-winded, one,” she said finally. “Go, then, Alexander Healy, and I will speak to those who dwell here with me. If there is a traitor or a misguided crusader in our midst, I will find them.”
“And will you tell me?” I asked. I didn’t bother to correct her on my last name. If she was a fan of my great-grandfather’s, I might as well take advantage of whatever goodwill that was going to buy me.
“I will,” she said. “I will not surrender them to you, but I assure you, justice will be done, within the standards of our law.”
Based on what I knew of gorgon law, that meant the offender would either get a stern lecture, or a swift death. I took a breath. “If there is any danger remaining to the people of Ohio—”
“There won’t be,” she said, and this time, when she smiled, there was no mistaking her fangs for teeth.
“I think that went well,” said Shelby amiably, as Dee and Frank walked us both out to my car. Faces peeked at us through the darkness; the gorgon teens who had served during dinner, trying to get one last look at their interesting guests. “No one got bitten and we didn’t need antivenin, so I’m calling it a victory.”
“You have an interesting definition of ‘victory,’” said Dee. She sounded exhausted.
“I’m with Shelby here, actually,” I said. “We’ve learned a lot, we’ve established that we mean no harm, and nobody got hurt, unless you count the poor lindworm.”
“We put that creature out of its misery,” said Frank. “Nothing reverses petrifaction that has gone that far. It would have died anyway, writhing and in pain.”
“Cheerful,” I said. I turned to Dee. “See you at work tomorrow?”
She blinked, and the snakes atop her head hissed in genuine surprise. “You still want me to come to work?”
“Dee, I knew you were a gorgon when I hired you, and I know neither you nor your husband is responsible for what’s happening at the zoo. I don’t think I can manage a cockatrice hunt and keep the reptile house running if I don’t have my assistant. Not to mention the part where I’m pretty much expecting the rest of the staff to stop showing up any day now. Most folks don’t like going to work when they’re afraid it will get them killed.”
Dee smiled a little. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good.” I extended my hand toward Frank. “It was a pleasure to meet you. If you ever need a source for larger medical supplies, let me know. My mother knows a Bigfoot metalworker who makes his own extra-large tools and equipment. She swears by his products.”
Frank looked pleased as he took my hand, his fingers eclipsing mine completely. “I will keep that in mind, Mr. Price,” he said. “This has been a very . . . edifying . . . evening. I look forward to seeing you again under less troubled circumstances.”
“Nice meeting everyone,” said Shelby. “You throw a good party. I wish everyone would arrange for giant lizard fights as an icebreaker.”
Dee laughed. There didn’t seem to be a better farewell than that, and so I got into the car, waiting for Shelby to do the same before I fastened my seat belt, started the engine, and pulled away.
