Hard to Love

Page 7

When I finally looked over at the man himself, I realized he was watching me from beneath hooded eyes. I took another sip of my beer and broke the connection. “What is it?” he asked.
“You said you’ve had Lily since you were eighteen. I’m just wondering…what happened to your parents?”
He pulled back a healthy swig of his own beer before answering. “That’s too generous a term for them.”
I kept quiet, wrapping my fingers around the chilled bottle, waiting for him to continue.
“I was raised by my grandparents, and was left this house when they passed away. I was only seventeen, and my mother had given birth to a baby, and dropped the toddler off here. Lily wasn’t walking yet and needed more care than they were prepared to give her.”
I couldn’t help but compare how very different our lives were. My parents and I vacationed in Italy and spent Christmases at our ski lodge, and I never wanted for anything growing up—except for maybe more freedom. Cade was saddled with a special-needs child.
“I took one look at that little girl, and she stole my heart. I graduated from high school early and started working, determined to give Lily the life my parents couldn’t. They were later busted for running a meth lab out of their trailer and are now in prison.”
Wow.
Sensing my inner turmoil, he gave my hand a squeeze. “I promise you, we’re managing.”
“I know, I can see that.” And they truly were. Cade, or Caden as Lily called him, was doing the best he could, providing a safe, loving home, even if he went about paying the bills in unconventional ways. Who was I to judge?
“Why’d you come today?”
I knew the question hadn’t been forgotten. I hesitated for just a second before recovering. “For Lily.” Which was mostly true.
He waited, eyeing me curiously. “Are you sure that’s all?”
Images from the sexy video replayed in my mind—the sensual curve of his mouth as he devoured hers with kisses. His large, rough hands softly caressing her skin. The skillful way his fingers spread her apart and rubbed slow circles in just the right spot. “I… I don’t know,” I breathed.
He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck, letting out a sigh. “Fuck. Don’t tempt me, Lex.” His voice was a rough plea in the silence of the room. The nickname on his lips felt far more intimate than it had any right to. Friends shortened my name all the time, but never before had it never made my heart jump.
I turned to face him on the couch, knowing this was crazy. He was a freakin’ porn star. A bad boy with a capital B. Not someone I should crush on, but there it was all the same, pulsing in my chest. A want, a fierce desire I couldn’t name. Something I definitely wasn’t supposed to explore.
I wanted to be at the receiving end of that touch. I wanted to have those big hands, strong and calloused from working construction, yet still gentle, all over my body.
I wondered if it could be a simple infatuation, like the kind you developed for a movie star. I’d watched him in the most intimate of moments, so maybe my brain had created some type of freaky fascination that wasn’t based on anything but his sexy body sending my sexless one into overdrive.
But when Cade turned to me and brought his hand up, cradling the back of my neck to pull me close to him and his waiting lips, all coherent thought escaped me.
He leaned in slowly, giving me time to pull away before his mouth captured mine in a scorching kiss. Oh, God, it was mouthwateringly good. Slow and sensual, worshipping at my mouth, nipping at my lips, tasting me and making my sex wet and needy. My tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip and his responded in turn, colliding with mine in a tangle of wet heat. His fingers threaded themselves farther into my hair while his thumb traced slow circles on the sensitive skin at the back of my neck.
A mix of emotions flooded my system. Everything from desire over this sexy man to fear that Lily might catch us, to shame that to my parents would never approve of him as my boyfriend. I knew I was getting way ahead of myself even thinking like that when Cade stopped suddenly, and pulled back.
His eyes studied me, trying to understand what had just transpired between us. “You’re going to be the death of me, cupcake.” He brushed the dampness from my top lip with his forefinger.
I glanced down and caught sight of the huge bulge straining against his jeans. I pressed my lips into a tight line, trying to avoid grinning like a fool at the thought that I’d affected him just as much as he did me.
He lifted my chin with a single finger and made me meet his eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t get shy on me now.”
I swallowed and relaxed into his hand. His thumb stroked my cheek and I automatically moved in to his caresses, my lids drowsily closing.
“That’s better.” He smiled and dropped his hand. “I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but if you ever really do want this, I’ll be the one to do it. Hell, I’d be honored. But you should do it when you’re ready, and with someone special.”
I nodded, sucking in my bottom lip so Cade wouldn’t see it tremble.
“It’s late. You should probably get going.” He stood and adjusted his erection. “Come back and see Lily anytime.”
He ushered me to the door and out of the house, and if I didn’t know better I would have thought he was trying desperately to get rid of me.
I drove home, exhausted, but most of all confused. But when I pushed the thoughts of Cade aside and remember Lily’s little face smiling up at mine, or her determination to excel at each exercise I showed her, it tugged at my heart and I held onto those memories, wondering if I’d see either of them again.
Chapter 9
Cade
As badly as I wanted Alexa, she deserved better, especially for her first time. It wasn’t right for her to just look for someone to get it over with. She wasn’t that kind of girl. She deserved roses, candles, that kind of shit. And I was not that kind of guy.
I’d ushered her out of my house as quickly as I could without seeming like an asshole, my dick screaming in protest all the while. I wanted her like crazy. Just the thought of burying myself in her tight, wet heat was enough to drive me insane. Yes, I’d made the right decision sending her home. But dammit if I hadn’t hid inside like some fucking pussy while she walked out to her car alone. I’d turned on the porch light and watched her from the window until she was safely inside her car and pulling away. I didn’t trust myself to be near her just then.
It was for the best. At least that was what I told myself as I climbed into bed with a raging hard-on that refused to go away.
The following morning I met Ian at the gym once I got Lily off to school. All she talked about over breakfast was ‘Lexa this and Lexa that.’ Drove me up a fucking wall. I had a hard enough time keeping the woman out of my own thoughts, but with Lily now firmly planted on Team Alexa, it was near impossible.
I’d hoped lifting weights with Ian would clear my head, but so far it had proven difficult.
“What’s got your panties in a twist?” Ian mocked me from a nearby weight bench. “You’re lifting like a pansy ass today.”
I sent him a don’t fuck with me scowl and added another set of forty-fives to my bench press. I was struggling under the weight by the fourth rep. Damn.
Ian pulled the bar up and helped me re-rack it. “Seriously, man. Talk to me.”
“This isn’t Oprah, bro. Mind your own damn business.”
He chuckled and shook his head, leaving me alone on my bench. When I met up with him in the steam room, he kept true to the sentiment. He hadn’t asked me any further questions about my shitty mood, and instead we talked strategy of his upcoming fight.
Ian was an up-and-coming mixed-martial-arts fighter. He was much better than me, and I was man enough to admit it. I also wasn’t afraid to spar with him in the ring, even though he was lightning quick and his kicks ripped the air from your lungs. But my left hooks were nothing to fuck with, and I occasionally caught him off guard. More often than not, though, he didn’t miss a blow—and my ribs had the bruises to prove it. Damn, he had to be good. He had a handful of local businesses sponsoring him, and had parents that had paid for every lesson imaginable growing up. He was born to do this. Me, on the other hand, I learned on the fly and won fights out of sheer determination.
Ian wiped the sweat from his eyes with a hand towel. “So what about you? Are you planning on fighting again anytime soon?”
The money was pretty good—if you won. “I don’t know man, you try working construction with cracked ribs and a broken finger.” Not to mention trying to explain to a six-year-old why you were black-and-blue and watching her eyes well up with tears when you explained it was from a fight. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do again. She wanted to know who I fought with and why he was mad at me. I didn’t like upsetting her like that. But it wasn’t like I could say to my opponent, hey man, no face shots, my little sister gets upset. There was no way around the bumps and bruises—and even if I won, I’d still usually be sporting the distinctive look of a black eye for weeks.
One way or another, I needed to get my shit together and find a well-paying job that didn’t require me to fight in a ring, or get naked on camera.
*****
By the time I got home from the gym, Lily was due home from school. I had just enough time to make the phone call before I chickened out. I couldn’t get Alexa and the way she’d left the night before off my mind. She’d done nothing but help out with Lily and I’d practically mauled her on my couch, told her I wanted to fuck her, and then sent her packing. I dialed the number to the hospital and asked to be connected to Alexa in nursing. I realized I didn’t know her last name, but thankfully, a few minutes later, they tracked her down for me.
“Cade? Is everything okay…?”
Her voice was frantic. Shit. She’d probably assumed this call was about Lily. “Everything’s fine. Listen, I’ll keep this quick because you’re at work, but I needed to call and tell you I’m sorry if things got weird last night. That was my fault.”
She hesitated for a minute. “That’s okay. I had a lot of fun with Lily and—” she stopped short.
“Me too. Listen, can I return the favor? I’d like to make you dinner. Or at least buy you dinner, since you probably don’t want me cooking.”
Soft feminine laughter filled the silence between us. “Okay.”
“Are you free tomorrow night?”
“Yes. What time should I come over?”
I liked that she volunteered to come over, knowing it would be easiest for me and Lily if she came to my house again. Other girls I’d tried to date usually pitched a fit that I couldn’t go out much. “Six okay?”
“Yep. It’s a date. I mean, I’ll see you then.”
“Great. Oh, and I should probably get your number. You know, just in case I ever need help with Lily. You probably don’t want me calling you at work. And I’ll give you my cell number, in case you ever need anything too.” Like me.
“Okay,” she said softly. Just the sound of her voice brought out the alpha male in me. I knew being alone with her again probably wasn’t a good idea, but I also knew I was powerless to stop it.
Chapter 10
Alexa
MacKenzie and I sat in a corner booth in the hospital cafeteria, taking our lunch break. Well, we called it lunch, but it was three in the morning. I stuck with breakfast foods, while Kenz usually opted for dinner. The one thing we shared in common, though, was the consumption of mass quantities of coffee.
“Part of me does want to break out of my Little-Miss-Goody-Two-shoes image—do something crazy. Grasp onto experiences while I’m still young. I mean is that so bad?” I didn’t mention Cade’s invite to her to. I needed to test the water first.
“Amen, sister.” She raised her cup in a salute.
“I mean, would it be totally crazy if I wanted to, I don’t know, mess around with Cade, see what all the fuss is about…”
MacKenzie spit out a mouthful of coffee. “I didn’t realize we were talking about that!” I mopped the warm liquid from the table in front of her with a stack of napkins. “You do what you want, babe. But you do know he’s not going to be satisfied with straight vanilla sex, right? He’s probably done things we’ve only dreamed about.”
I didn’t know what her dreams consisted of, but vanilla sex was the extent of mine. “Like?”
“Threesomes, orgies, anal sex…”
I held up my hand, stopping her. “Okay. Enough, thanks.” My cheeks flamed at her tirade. I was interested in exploring my sexuality with Cade, but there was no way I was ready for any of that. I couldn’t even hear the words without blushing.
MacKenzie chuckled. “Relax, Lex. I told you. He’d be freakin’ lucky to get a girl like you. I still think you’re too good for the likes of him, but that’s my opinion. Just promise me one thing if you really are set on this.”
Was I set on this? I wasn’t sure. The only thing I was sure about—Cade provoked strange reactions in my body. “What’s that?”
“Have your fun with the porn star, but promise me that you won’t involve your heart.”
I nearly laughed at her ridiculous warning. My heart? I wanted to assure MacKenzie that there was no possibility of me falling for Cade, but my mind flickered back to his gentle nature with Lily and the words stuck in my throat. I nodded my consent. “My parents set me up with another son-in-law candidate. His name’s Peter and he’s taking me to lunch tomorrow.”
She rolled her eyes. MacKenzie was well-briefed in my parents’ meddling ways. “Okay. Can I give you one tip, in all seriousness, if you’re going to do this?”