Hearts of Blue
Page 58
He heaved a breath. “No, I suppose not.”
A long quiet elapsed, Lee’s chin resting on my shoulder, his breath warming the side of my neck. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been held like this, skin to skin, feeling cut open and exposed, yet sewn up and healed all at once.
Lee’s voice was low and solemn when he said, “We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.”
His words hit me square in the gut, the sentiment causing my eyes to grow a little wet, and I wondered who he was quoting from.
“Who said that?” I whispered.
“Hemingway.”
A soft, surprised laugh escaped me, even though my eyes were still watery. “You read Hemingway?”
I felt him move his head in a shake. “There used to be this tunnel near where an old friend of mine lived. Lots of graffiti on the walls. I remember walking home one night and seeing this mural in crazy vibrant colours with that quote as the centrepiece. You ever read words and they just make sense to you? I had one of those moments.”
“Yeah, the truth of them just kind of…resonates,” I said.
Lee caught my chin between his fingers, turning my face so he could look me straight in the eye. I’d never seen his expressin so sincere. “The strongest part of you is the broken one, and having kids isn’t the only way you can become a parent, Karla. The way you protect people makes you a mother to the world.”
His statement struck the centre of my heart and I clung to it, feeling a renewed sense of meaning about myself. I’d never thought of it that way before. Seriously, I had to change the subject, because otherwise I was seriously going to start bawling. The warmth of his hand felt soothing, and I was suddenly curious about him. “You’ll probably have a dozen kids running around one day. I can definitely see that for you. You practically raised your own brothers, after all.”
He was silent for longer than I expected, and he seemed thoughtful. Maybe it was the insinuation that his future would be with someone else, filled with someone else’s children. The idea pained me more than it should have. His breath warmed my cheeks as he mustered a reply. “Nah, maybe raising my brothers was enough for one lifetime. And let’s remember, I didn’t exactly do a bang-up job.”
“You did your best. You were only a kid yourself.”
“I was ruthless, but that’s only because I had to be.”
I snuggled further into his arms and placed a hand on his cheek. “You know, I might end up regretting telling you this someday, but if I’d been in your position, I’d probably have made the exact same choices.”
Lee’s nostrils flared, and his gaze intensified at my words. They were the truth. I could sit on my high horse, spouting moral virtues, but I knew that if I’d been born into Lee’s situation, I would have done whatever it took to survive. Perhaps we were more similar than I cared to admit.
Dipping his head, he caught my lips in a kiss and pulled me on top of him. Both his hands stroked my thighs as he stared up at me, his eyes hooded.
“I like you,” he murmured.
“I like you, too.”
“You shouldn’t be so cynical about what we could be, you know.”
I crinkled my brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know what you were playing at just now, talking about me having kids, like the idea of you being in my future is such an impossibility.”
“Lee,” I said, air whooshing out of me when his thumbs dug into my muscles, massaging out the kinks. “My dad would disown me if he knew I was with you.”
“So what? You don’t even like the man.”
“I know that, but he’s my father. Besides, he’s a product of his environment. My parents grew up at a time when you couldn’t walk down the street without worrying if a bomb was going to go off. That kind of thing hardens people.”
“Hmm.” Lee grinned.
“Don’t ‘hmm’ me, you cheeky little shit. And what’s the grin for?”
“It’s for the fact that you’re gonna forget all this serious talk in a minute when I fuck you.”
“Oh, really?”
“Really. So hard it’ll rewire that brain of yours, so afterward, when you think about the future, all you can see is me in it.”
Reaching up, he palmed both my breasts, then bent forward and captured one of my nipples in his mouth. The action rendered me incapable of doing anything but surrendering. And when he flipped me over and pulled me onto all fours, he made good on his promise, because it might have been morning, but I really did see stars.
Thirteen
I was laughing so hard I had to bend over and hold my stomach, so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks. Tony and I were sitting in the break room eating lunch and trying not to wet ourselves as Keira did an impression of DI Jennings.
“Constable, tuck your shirt in and straighten your tie. You look like the vagrant lovechild of Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge.”
“Stop!” I begged, trying to calm my laughter. “I haven’t heard anyone use Worzel Gummidge as a reference since I was five years old.”
“That’s because you never bloody listen, do you, Sheehan? Cotton wool in the ears,” Keira clipped, not dropping the act.
I swiped a thumb under my eyes, finally calming down, and glanced up. The smile immediately fled my features, because standing in the doorway was none other than Jennings herself. Keira had her back turned, continuing with her impression. Jennings’ face was indecipherable, and I went completely silent, waiting for her to stride into the room and put Keira in her place. But she didn’t do that. Instead, she cast me a quick, uncomfortable glance, turned on her heel, and left without a word.
A long quiet elapsed, Lee’s chin resting on my shoulder, his breath warming the side of my neck. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been held like this, skin to skin, feeling cut open and exposed, yet sewn up and healed all at once.
Lee’s voice was low and solemn when he said, “We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.”
His words hit me square in the gut, the sentiment causing my eyes to grow a little wet, and I wondered who he was quoting from.
“Who said that?” I whispered.
“Hemingway.”
A soft, surprised laugh escaped me, even though my eyes were still watery. “You read Hemingway?”
I felt him move his head in a shake. “There used to be this tunnel near where an old friend of mine lived. Lots of graffiti on the walls. I remember walking home one night and seeing this mural in crazy vibrant colours with that quote as the centrepiece. You ever read words and they just make sense to you? I had one of those moments.”
“Yeah, the truth of them just kind of…resonates,” I said.
Lee caught my chin between his fingers, turning my face so he could look me straight in the eye. I’d never seen his expressin so sincere. “The strongest part of you is the broken one, and having kids isn’t the only way you can become a parent, Karla. The way you protect people makes you a mother to the world.”
His statement struck the centre of my heart and I clung to it, feeling a renewed sense of meaning about myself. I’d never thought of it that way before. Seriously, I had to change the subject, because otherwise I was seriously going to start bawling. The warmth of his hand felt soothing, and I was suddenly curious about him. “You’ll probably have a dozen kids running around one day. I can definitely see that for you. You practically raised your own brothers, after all.”
He was silent for longer than I expected, and he seemed thoughtful. Maybe it was the insinuation that his future would be with someone else, filled with someone else’s children. The idea pained me more than it should have. His breath warmed my cheeks as he mustered a reply. “Nah, maybe raising my brothers was enough for one lifetime. And let’s remember, I didn’t exactly do a bang-up job.”
“You did your best. You were only a kid yourself.”
“I was ruthless, but that’s only because I had to be.”
I snuggled further into his arms and placed a hand on his cheek. “You know, I might end up regretting telling you this someday, but if I’d been in your position, I’d probably have made the exact same choices.”
Lee’s nostrils flared, and his gaze intensified at my words. They were the truth. I could sit on my high horse, spouting moral virtues, but I knew that if I’d been born into Lee’s situation, I would have done whatever it took to survive. Perhaps we were more similar than I cared to admit.
Dipping his head, he caught my lips in a kiss and pulled me on top of him. Both his hands stroked my thighs as he stared up at me, his eyes hooded.
“I like you,” he murmured.
“I like you, too.”
“You shouldn’t be so cynical about what we could be, you know.”
I crinkled my brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I know what you were playing at just now, talking about me having kids, like the idea of you being in my future is such an impossibility.”
“Lee,” I said, air whooshing out of me when his thumbs dug into my muscles, massaging out the kinks. “My dad would disown me if he knew I was with you.”
“So what? You don’t even like the man.”
“I know that, but he’s my father. Besides, he’s a product of his environment. My parents grew up at a time when you couldn’t walk down the street without worrying if a bomb was going to go off. That kind of thing hardens people.”
“Hmm.” Lee grinned.
“Don’t ‘hmm’ me, you cheeky little shit. And what’s the grin for?”
“It’s for the fact that you’re gonna forget all this serious talk in a minute when I fuck you.”
“Oh, really?”
“Really. So hard it’ll rewire that brain of yours, so afterward, when you think about the future, all you can see is me in it.”
Reaching up, he palmed both my breasts, then bent forward and captured one of my nipples in his mouth. The action rendered me incapable of doing anything but surrendering. And when he flipped me over and pulled me onto all fours, he made good on his promise, because it might have been morning, but I really did see stars.
Thirteen
I was laughing so hard I had to bend over and hold my stomach, so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks. Tony and I were sitting in the break room eating lunch and trying not to wet ourselves as Keira did an impression of DI Jennings.
“Constable, tuck your shirt in and straighten your tie. You look like the vagrant lovechild of Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge.”
“Stop!” I begged, trying to calm my laughter. “I haven’t heard anyone use Worzel Gummidge as a reference since I was five years old.”
“That’s because you never bloody listen, do you, Sheehan? Cotton wool in the ears,” Keira clipped, not dropping the act.
I swiped a thumb under my eyes, finally calming down, and glanced up. The smile immediately fled my features, because standing in the doorway was none other than Jennings herself. Keira had her back turned, continuing with her impression. Jennings’ face was indecipherable, and I went completely silent, waiting for her to stride into the room and put Keira in her place. But she didn’t do that. Instead, she cast me a quick, uncomfortable glance, turned on her heel, and left without a word.
