Hearts of Fire
Page 19
Then it was keeping time, until he couldn’t tell one from the other. For the brief instant before he understood it, Meresin simply accepted it. With that acceptance came a sense of peace that washed over him in a wave—peace and contentment, things he was so sure he’d forgotten.
He watched Dru’s eyes widen as the wildness left them, knowing she’d felt what he’d done. That was when reality landed on him like a ton of bricks. Hadn’t he told her he couldn’t do this? He hadn’t been made for coupling.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, hoping that filling the silence would banish this strange spell that had been woven between them. “Please come down. I wasn’t awake.” She didn’t move, though she no longer looked as though she was on the verge of stabbing him. Desperate, he offered her an admission that might distract her. That might distract both of them, truth be told. Because what he really wanted to do was get up and gather her in his arms, to soothe her, to reassure her that he was the man again, not the weapon.
The strength of his desire took him by surprise. He was so used to Dru being the calm one. Seeing the warrior underneath revealed was incredibly arousing. And that, he was sure, would be the last thing she’d want him to be thinking about right now.
“I have very vivid nightmares,” he said, hoping the small explanation was enough. “It’s hard to wake up from them sometimes. I didn’t even know you were there. I swear it.”
“I believe you,” she said, though she didn’t move a muscle. The rough quality of her voice told him she must have dozed off, too. Tired or not, though, she was holding the fire sword as though she knew full well how to operate it, and could do so with skill. Still, after a moment, she slid to the floor with lethal grace.
“I’m as good as any Fallen with a sword,” she said flatly. “In case you were wondering.”
The hint of sarcasm he heard was a relief.
“I’m getting that,” he replied. “I don’t suppose you want to give it back now that I’m awake?”
“No. I think I’ll hang onto it for a few.” She still sounded wary, her eyes searching his face…though for what, he wasn’t sure.
The dream had taken a lot out of him, he realized. The rage inside was quiet now, like the strange calm after a storm. He felt empty…and tired. Was this what it might be like if Amriel could undo what had been done? He no longer remembered what he’d been like before that night. He didn’t even know if the remnants of the angel were still within him. Maybe if the lightning was gone he’d be nothing but a sad, empty shell. And all this trouble would be for nothing.
Hellfire, he was so tired of swinging between fury and despair. There had to be something else. Though with Dru, he did seem to have added one thing to his emotional repertoire.
“You really hurt me,” she said. “It was different than on the beach. You meant to hurt me. I couldn’t get through.”
She acted so surprised, as though she’d only just discovered he was capable of doing to her what he was always in danger of doing to everyone else. He didn’t think he was capable of harming her on purpose. Unfortunately, he did a lot of things that weren’t on purpose. No one was going to care about his intentions if Dru ended up a smoking pile of cinder. The guilt hit him again, threatening to drown him.
“I know,” he said. What else could he say? His natural defenses didn’t just keep enemies away. They kept everyone away. “I didn’t know it was you, I swear it. I get lost in my dreams sometimes.” Despair, an old friend by now, clawed at him. “I shouldn’t have brought you, Dru. This is what I do, what I am.”
There was a sadness in the way she watched him that he’d never seen before. He recognized it, though. It was the kind of sadness you could only feel when you’d lived lifetimes, when you’d been hurt in ways that would have taken a mortal down permanently. Even though he knew how old she was, that sort of sadness in her still surprised him. Dru was so vital, so strong—who could hurt her?
Someone had, apparently. And now, so had he.
Dru sighed and pushed her hair back over her shoulders. The platinum locks of her hair now fell in tangled waves down her back. Like this, rumpled and mussed and a little out of sorts, he found her even more appealing than he did when she was in her element in Terra Noctem. There, she always seemed untouchable to him, distant and collected and perfect. But this part of her—the part he’d seen in the church, when he’d been so drawn to her he could no longer resist—felt more real than what she let everyone else see, more dangerous…and more vulnerable.
It was strange to realize that he wasn’t the only one here who used others’ perceptions as a shield.
“You thought having me here would prevent this kind of thing, right? That’s why you let me come,” she said. When he said nothing, she offered a small, rueful smile. “I didn’t think it was my amazing powers of persuasion, Meresin. You were being practical. I’m practical. I get it. We have something, you and I. I don’t understand it any more than you do, but whatever it is, it’s stopped you from going nuclear before. Once you could bring me, it made sense to.”
“Yes,” he said. He found he appreciated her bluntness, if not the subject she wanted to discuss. “I wouldn’t have brought you, though, if you hadn’t been so determined to come. I’m not in the habit of denying people who want to fight. A bad decision all the way around, I guess.” He paused, then asked the question that had plagued him for nearly two years. Considering the way things were going, he might not have a better time to ask it.
“Why haven’t you ever just let me be?” He didn’t know why he cared. Reaching Amriel was the important thing. Not losing himself in the lightning was the important thing. This was about him, not her.
Except right now, that didn’t feel true at all. He’d hurt her. Scared her. Those things mattered to him, though he knew they shouldn’t. And despite everything, she was still standing here, sword in hand. She hadn’t tried to use it on him, either.
Dru looked surprised by the question, but she took her time considering it.
“Why did you follow me into that church?” she asked. It was a question he’d refused to answer before, even to himself. But considering he could have killed her, it didn’t seem right not to answer the question. He had been many things in his time as a demon lord, but a liar had never been one of them. It had been a hindrance in many ways, but here, he didn’t think it could hurt. Not any more than he already had.
“I wanted you. You know I did,” he said softly. It felt strange to finally say the words. Her expressive face remained inscrutable, though her eyes never left him.
“Did?” she asked. “Or do?”
He flexed his hands nervously. No woman had ever asked him this sort of thing. No woman had ever asked him anything. Not like this.
He let the words fall from his lips, knowing his honesty here would change everything. “I do,” he said. He hadn’t realized how worried she’d been about the answer until she released the shaking breath she’d been holding.
Dru nodded slowly, and he saw her relief. He didn’t understand. His desire couldn’t possibly please anyone, least of all her. Not when she’d seen him at his worst. But her simple pleasure was impossible to misconstrue.
“Okay,” she said. Then, incredibly, she smiled—a soft, sweet, seductive thing. She studied the sword in her hand, then bent to gently lay it on the floor. She rose, squared her shoulders, and came slowly toward him. The nerves that only she could bring on tangled into a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. He shot gracelessly to his feet at the last second, when he realized she wasn’t going to stop.
“What are you doing?” he asked, suddenly very aware of the fact that he was trapped between Dru and the bed.
“You wanted to know why I won’t let you be,” she said. “It’s because I want you, too. Because I care about you.” Her words stilled the breath in his chest. Care about him? He didn’t even remember the last time someone had said those words to him. Or if anyone ever had. He’d been a young angel when he’d Fallen, young and foolish and solitary besides. When Dru came to him, she was the only light in all the darkness that surrounded him.
“You shouldn’t,” were the only words he could force out. But he couldn’t move. The bed pressed against the backs of his legs, and Dru was only a breath away from him, her head tilted back to gaze at him. Her lips curved at his words.
“No kidding,” she said. “But I’ve lived so long that I know what’s worth fighting, Meresin, and this isn’t. I care. I can’t change it. If it makes you feel any better, it hasn’t been making me very happy for about two years now.”
He swallowed hard. “But…why bother, then?”
Emotions played over her fine features, and he marveled at her, the way he always did. She was incredibly beautiful, but it was more than that. She was so fully herself, without a hint of the torment that every demon carried. Her confidence was a balm to him, to the ragged and empty place where his heart and soul had once been. She infuriated him sometimes, but she also made him stop hurting. It was the other reason he had brought her, the one he couldn’t bring himself to say.
Dru was the only other creature, Above or Below, who made him feel as though he wasn’t alone.
She simply shook her head. “I told you. We have something. I’m just trying to figure out what it is.”
He attempted a laugh and only managed a nervous, shaky breath. Her scent enveloped him in its sweet warmth, and every one of his senses stirred, awakened in ways that he was unused to. He couldn’t do this…she would laugh at him. Though the only part of his body that appeared deterred by that was his mind.
“I understand why you don’t like to be touched,” she said, her voice soft and coaxing. “I would never hurt you, but if you don’t like this, I’ll stop.” She lifted one hand to brush it gently over his heart, and he shivered. All she would have to do was drop her focus, and she would see exactly how much he liked this. His breath came in shallow sips, and he hoped he wasn’t embarrassing himself. Desire ran over the surface of his skin like lightning, and his muscles tensed, quivered. Not want her touch? He wanted it so badly that it was the only thing in the world that mattered right now. Outside of this room, nothing else existed. Not tonight.
She trailed her fingers slowly up over his collarbone, along the sensitive side of his neck. He turned his face into her hand, seeking more, without thinking about it.
“No one touches me like this,” he said softly.
She smiled. “I’ve noticed. Maybe that’s because you’re a pretty big burn risk. But I like touching you, Meresin.” She stroked the back of her hand down his cheek, then ran her hands through his hair. Every place her fingers touched tingled with pleasure. His eyes slipped shut when she traced his lips with her thumb, his will weakening. He shouldn’t…it wouldn’t work…it would only make both of them unhappy…
But, hellfire, he wanted to.
“Dru,” he said, his voice strained as she pressed against him. And now he knew she could feel every inch of his arousal, so hard he ached. Her br**sts pressed into his chest, and he could feel her heart beating against him, inside him. It felt so right to have her in his arms that he was sure it couldn’t be. Nothing worked this way for him, nothing.
But despite his fears, he melted against her, gently lifting his hands to her back to hold her to him. She nuzzled into his neck, and the brush of her lips was tender and soft, as was the flick of her tongue. He moaned, fingers digging into her back.
“Be with me tonight,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of doing this dance, Meresin. Just be with me.”
Slowly, he relented. Maybe it wouldn’t be the disaster he’d feared. And even if it was…indulging this mutual fascination here, in this place they might never leave, couldn’t hurt much more than he had already been hurt. With that in mind, something deep inside, hard and ancient, crumbled and gave way.
He buried his face in her hair, nerves and desire tangling together until he no longer knew which was which.
“I want to,” he said, his lips brushing silken softness. “I’m just not sure…I…don’t know what I’m doing, Dru.”
It was hard to get the words out, but she deserved to know, even if his immediate reaction was to tense and wait for her ridicule. The eunuch, Lucifer had called him. Sometimes approvingly, sometimes mockingly. But they had wanted him cold, unfeeling, and for ages he had been. There had only been the lightning and power and destruction…and the occasional slip of emotion that had brought swift and terrible retribution. There had never been this warm, soft, consuming desire. On some level, it terrified him…he had never wanted anything this badly that hadn’t wounded him in the end.
She lifted her eyes to him. There was no ridicule in her eyes, only curiosity…and overwhelming need.
“You don’t…oh. Oh.” He saw understanding dawn, and he briefly wanted to sink through the floor. His brothers, because they didn’t enjoy pain, rarely gave him a hard time about his lack of experience. Dru, though—he didn’t know what she would think. He dreaded seeing any pity in her eyes. But as he waited, none appeared. What he saw was something very different. It was something like awe.
“Wow,” she said, her tone reverent. Then she scanned him from head to toe, slowly, and with enough heat in her eyes to start a fire of her own. Then she said, “I’m not even going to ask how that could have happened. I just want you. I want to make it good for you. If you’re sure.”
He watched Dru’s eyes widen as the wildness left them, knowing she’d felt what he’d done. That was when reality landed on him like a ton of bricks. Hadn’t he told her he couldn’t do this? He hadn’t been made for coupling.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, hoping that filling the silence would banish this strange spell that had been woven between them. “Please come down. I wasn’t awake.” She didn’t move, though she no longer looked as though she was on the verge of stabbing him. Desperate, he offered her an admission that might distract her. That might distract both of them, truth be told. Because what he really wanted to do was get up and gather her in his arms, to soothe her, to reassure her that he was the man again, not the weapon.
The strength of his desire took him by surprise. He was so used to Dru being the calm one. Seeing the warrior underneath revealed was incredibly arousing. And that, he was sure, would be the last thing she’d want him to be thinking about right now.
“I have very vivid nightmares,” he said, hoping the small explanation was enough. “It’s hard to wake up from them sometimes. I didn’t even know you were there. I swear it.”
“I believe you,” she said, though she didn’t move a muscle. The rough quality of her voice told him she must have dozed off, too. Tired or not, though, she was holding the fire sword as though she knew full well how to operate it, and could do so with skill. Still, after a moment, she slid to the floor with lethal grace.
“I’m as good as any Fallen with a sword,” she said flatly. “In case you were wondering.”
The hint of sarcasm he heard was a relief.
“I’m getting that,” he replied. “I don’t suppose you want to give it back now that I’m awake?”
“No. I think I’ll hang onto it for a few.” She still sounded wary, her eyes searching his face…though for what, he wasn’t sure.
The dream had taken a lot out of him, he realized. The rage inside was quiet now, like the strange calm after a storm. He felt empty…and tired. Was this what it might be like if Amriel could undo what had been done? He no longer remembered what he’d been like before that night. He didn’t even know if the remnants of the angel were still within him. Maybe if the lightning was gone he’d be nothing but a sad, empty shell. And all this trouble would be for nothing.
Hellfire, he was so tired of swinging between fury and despair. There had to be something else. Though with Dru, he did seem to have added one thing to his emotional repertoire.
“You really hurt me,” she said. “It was different than on the beach. You meant to hurt me. I couldn’t get through.”
She acted so surprised, as though she’d only just discovered he was capable of doing to her what he was always in danger of doing to everyone else. He didn’t think he was capable of harming her on purpose. Unfortunately, he did a lot of things that weren’t on purpose. No one was going to care about his intentions if Dru ended up a smoking pile of cinder. The guilt hit him again, threatening to drown him.
“I know,” he said. What else could he say? His natural defenses didn’t just keep enemies away. They kept everyone away. “I didn’t know it was you, I swear it. I get lost in my dreams sometimes.” Despair, an old friend by now, clawed at him. “I shouldn’t have brought you, Dru. This is what I do, what I am.”
There was a sadness in the way she watched him that he’d never seen before. He recognized it, though. It was the kind of sadness you could only feel when you’d lived lifetimes, when you’d been hurt in ways that would have taken a mortal down permanently. Even though he knew how old she was, that sort of sadness in her still surprised him. Dru was so vital, so strong—who could hurt her?
Someone had, apparently. And now, so had he.
Dru sighed and pushed her hair back over her shoulders. The platinum locks of her hair now fell in tangled waves down her back. Like this, rumpled and mussed and a little out of sorts, he found her even more appealing than he did when she was in her element in Terra Noctem. There, she always seemed untouchable to him, distant and collected and perfect. But this part of her—the part he’d seen in the church, when he’d been so drawn to her he could no longer resist—felt more real than what she let everyone else see, more dangerous…and more vulnerable.
It was strange to realize that he wasn’t the only one here who used others’ perceptions as a shield.
“You thought having me here would prevent this kind of thing, right? That’s why you let me come,” she said. When he said nothing, she offered a small, rueful smile. “I didn’t think it was my amazing powers of persuasion, Meresin. You were being practical. I’m practical. I get it. We have something, you and I. I don’t understand it any more than you do, but whatever it is, it’s stopped you from going nuclear before. Once you could bring me, it made sense to.”
“Yes,” he said. He found he appreciated her bluntness, if not the subject she wanted to discuss. “I wouldn’t have brought you, though, if you hadn’t been so determined to come. I’m not in the habit of denying people who want to fight. A bad decision all the way around, I guess.” He paused, then asked the question that had plagued him for nearly two years. Considering the way things were going, he might not have a better time to ask it.
“Why haven’t you ever just let me be?” He didn’t know why he cared. Reaching Amriel was the important thing. Not losing himself in the lightning was the important thing. This was about him, not her.
Except right now, that didn’t feel true at all. He’d hurt her. Scared her. Those things mattered to him, though he knew they shouldn’t. And despite everything, she was still standing here, sword in hand. She hadn’t tried to use it on him, either.
Dru looked surprised by the question, but she took her time considering it.
“Why did you follow me into that church?” she asked. It was a question he’d refused to answer before, even to himself. But considering he could have killed her, it didn’t seem right not to answer the question. He had been many things in his time as a demon lord, but a liar had never been one of them. It had been a hindrance in many ways, but here, he didn’t think it could hurt. Not any more than he already had.
“I wanted you. You know I did,” he said softly. It felt strange to finally say the words. Her expressive face remained inscrutable, though her eyes never left him.
“Did?” she asked. “Or do?”
He flexed his hands nervously. No woman had ever asked him this sort of thing. No woman had ever asked him anything. Not like this.
He let the words fall from his lips, knowing his honesty here would change everything. “I do,” he said. He hadn’t realized how worried she’d been about the answer until she released the shaking breath she’d been holding.
Dru nodded slowly, and he saw her relief. He didn’t understand. His desire couldn’t possibly please anyone, least of all her. Not when she’d seen him at his worst. But her simple pleasure was impossible to misconstrue.
“Okay,” she said. Then, incredibly, she smiled—a soft, sweet, seductive thing. She studied the sword in her hand, then bent to gently lay it on the floor. She rose, squared her shoulders, and came slowly toward him. The nerves that only she could bring on tangled into a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. He shot gracelessly to his feet at the last second, when he realized she wasn’t going to stop.
“What are you doing?” he asked, suddenly very aware of the fact that he was trapped between Dru and the bed.
“You wanted to know why I won’t let you be,” she said. “It’s because I want you, too. Because I care about you.” Her words stilled the breath in his chest. Care about him? He didn’t even remember the last time someone had said those words to him. Or if anyone ever had. He’d been a young angel when he’d Fallen, young and foolish and solitary besides. When Dru came to him, she was the only light in all the darkness that surrounded him.
“You shouldn’t,” were the only words he could force out. But he couldn’t move. The bed pressed against the backs of his legs, and Dru was only a breath away from him, her head tilted back to gaze at him. Her lips curved at his words.
“No kidding,” she said. “But I’ve lived so long that I know what’s worth fighting, Meresin, and this isn’t. I care. I can’t change it. If it makes you feel any better, it hasn’t been making me very happy for about two years now.”
He swallowed hard. “But…why bother, then?”
Emotions played over her fine features, and he marveled at her, the way he always did. She was incredibly beautiful, but it was more than that. She was so fully herself, without a hint of the torment that every demon carried. Her confidence was a balm to him, to the ragged and empty place where his heart and soul had once been. She infuriated him sometimes, but she also made him stop hurting. It was the other reason he had brought her, the one he couldn’t bring himself to say.
Dru was the only other creature, Above or Below, who made him feel as though he wasn’t alone.
She simply shook her head. “I told you. We have something. I’m just trying to figure out what it is.”
He attempted a laugh and only managed a nervous, shaky breath. Her scent enveloped him in its sweet warmth, and every one of his senses stirred, awakened in ways that he was unused to. He couldn’t do this…she would laugh at him. Though the only part of his body that appeared deterred by that was his mind.
“I understand why you don’t like to be touched,” she said, her voice soft and coaxing. “I would never hurt you, but if you don’t like this, I’ll stop.” She lifted one hand to brush it gently over his heart, and he shivered. All she would have to do was drop her focus, and she would see exactly how much he liked this. His breath came in shallow sips, and he hoped he wasn’t embarrassing himself. Desire ran over the surface of his skin like lightning, and his muscles tensed, quivered. Not want her touch? He wanted it so badly that it was the only thing in the world that mattered right now. Outside of this room, nothing else existed. Not tonight.
She trailed her fingers slowly up over his collarbone, along the sensitive side of his neck. He turned his face into her hand, seeking more, without thinking about it.
“No one touches me like this,” he said softly.
She smiled. “I’ve noticed. Maybe that’s because you’re a pretty big burn risk. But I like touching you, Meresin.” She stroked the back of her hand down his cheek, then ran her hands through his hair. Every place her fingers touched tingled with pleasure. His eyes slipped shut when she traced his lips with her thumb, his will weakening. He shouldn’t…it wouldn’t work…it would only make both of them unhappy…
But, hellfire, he wanted to.
“Dru,” he said, his voice strained as she pressed against him. And now he knew she could feel every inch of his arousal, so hard he ached. Her br**sts pressed into his chest, and he could feel her heart beating against him, inside him. It felt so right to have her in his arms that he was sure it couldn’t be. Nothing worked this way for him, nothing.
But despite his fears, he melted against her, gently lifting his hands to her back to hold her to him. She nuzzled into his neck, and the brush of her lips was tender and soft, as was the flick of her tongue. He moaned, fingers digging into her back.
“Be with me tonight,” she whispered. “I’m so tired of doing this dance, Meresin. Just be with me.”
Slowly, he relented. Maybe it wouldn’t be the disaster he’d feared. And even if it was…indulging this mutual fascination here, in this place they might never leave, couldn’t hurt much more than he had already been hurt. With that in mind, something deep inside, hard and ancient, crumbled and gave way.
He buried his face in her hair, nerves and desire tangling together until he no longer knew which was which.
“I want to,” he said, his lips brushing silken softness. “I’m just not sure…I…don’t know what I’m doing, Dru.”
It was hard to get the words out, but she deserved to know, even if his immediate reaction was to tense and wait for her ridicule. The eunuch, Lucifer had called him. Sometimes approvingly, sometimes mockingly. But they had wanted him cold, unfeeling, and for ages he had been. There had only been the lightning and power and destruction…and the occasional slip of emotion that had brought swift and terrible retribution. There had never been this warm, soft, consuming desire. On some level, it terrified him…he had never wanted anything this badly that hadn’t wounded him in the end.
She lifted her eyes to him. There was no ridicule in her eyes, only curiosity…and overwhelming need.
“You don’t…oh. Oh.” He saw understanding dawn, and he briefly wanted to sink through the floor. His brothers, because they didn’t enjoy pain, rarely gave him a hard time about his lack of experience. Dru, though—he didn’t know what she would think. He dreaded seeing any pity in her eyes. But as he waited, none appeared. What he saw was something very different. It was something like awe.
“Wow,” she said, her tone reverent. Then she scanned him from head to toe, slowly, and with enough heat in her eyes to start a fire of her own. Then she said, “I’m not even going to ask how that could have happened. I just want you. I want to make it good for you. If you’re sure.”
