Hearts on Air
Page 64
I thought of Trev’s childhood, how his dad had been a non-entity and his mum died of a drug overdose when he was still a kid. How he and his brothers had to rob and steal just to survive. At least I had a proper family. Maybe I was lucky even though they let me down in the end. I certainly had it better than Trev ever did.
“It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s God’s sick joke, making us love the people who hurt us,” I said, my voice sombre.
Trev’s brows drew together, his lips flattening in a frown, and I realised belatedly that he wasn’t thinking of family anymore. He was thinking of us. He’d hurt me a lot in the past, but I always forgave him.
Until I didn’t.
He dragged his hand across his jaw, rubbing at the stubble as he murmured, “Yeah well, I guess sometimes I’m glad for His sick sense of humour.”
Our meal arrived but the mood between us was subdued. Trev wouldn’t stop looking at me with sad eyes, like I had some kind of terminal disease but he didn’t have the heart to tell me yet.
“If you’re having troubles you can talk to me, you know,” I ventured, hoping he might open up. He’d expressed some of his frustrations back on the bridge, but I knew there was more to it. I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me as freely as he talked to his doctor. If we just put everything out on the table then maybe we could come to some new level of understanding.
His voice was cautious. “Troubles?”
“That whole scene today with Barry, and how you’ve been talking. It makes me worry about you.”
He exhaled a long breath and played with his food a little. “That was just a blip. I’m sort of prone to them if you hadn’t noticed.”
I reached out and placed a hand over his. “And what caused the blip?”
His mouth turned down at the edges. “Frustration, I guess.”
Yeah, join the club. “What have you been frustrated about?” I asked, though I suspected I already knew. I was on the other side of it, after all.
He lifted his gaze to mine. “You.”
His answer caused my cheeks to flush and I willed them to cool down. I traced circles over the top of his hand and cleared my throat. “Can I, uh, help somehow?”
Trev’s gaze darkened substantially, his voice thick when he replied, “Yeah, but I don’t think either one of us is ready for that just yet.”
I looked down at my plate, a smile curling my lips. “Since when did you become the mature one?”
His look was direct. “Since I spent two years without you. I don’t plan on going another two.”
I arched a brow as my lungs filled with exhilaration. It was both thrilling and nerve-wracking to be having this conversation. I couldn’t manage to meet his gaze when I replied quietly, “I wouldn’t like to go another two without you either.”
Trev stayed silent, but his expression spoke volumes. I saw his surprise clear as day and realised he didn’t know how much I’d loved being around him again. Inhaling deeply, he turned his hand to face upward and linked our fingers together. I felt hot in the dim light of the restaurant as I lifted my gaze to his. He never broke eye contact when he brought my hand to his mouth and gently kissed it. Tingles skittered down my spine at the feel of his lips on my skin. Trev let go of my hand and I busied myself shoving a forkful of risotto into my mouth.
He leaned both elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands as his attention travelled from my lips to my nose and over my cheeks. “Can I ask a question?”
“O-of course,” I replied shakily, somewhat affected by the husky quality in his voice.
He hesitated a moment, then said, “This afternoon aside, since we’ve been on this trip, do you feel like my behaviour towards you has been consistent?”
His question was surprising and it took me a second to formulate an answer. “It hasn’t been inconsistent, but it has been unexpected to a certain degree. You told me you wanted to be friends, but you flirt with me all the time.”
Trev arched a brow, seemingly amused by that answer. “Do I?”
I smiled a little. “Don’t give me that. You know you do.”
He smiled back, the expression so bloody handsome. “Yeah, I guess I do. It’s kind of hard not to. Flirting with you was always my favourite pastime.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I remember.”
“You flirted back.”
“Trev, we both know women flirting with you isn’t anything new.”
“Yeah, but it always felt like a little victory when you did it. I remember when we first started hanging out and you’d blush at the tiniest innuendo. Then you finally got used to my filthy mouth and started giving as good as you got. Best fun I ever had.”
“Of course I blushed. I rarely got to spend time with boys when I was growing up, aside from my brothers. And even when I was in college I was never the sort of girl to have ‘guy’ friends. You were like this new, alien species in my life.”
Trev chuckled at that and ate a few bites of his food. I watched as he chewed and swallowed, fascinated by the way his throat moved. He set his fork down and focused his attention on me again.
“Anyway, I just wanted to ask about the whole consistency thing because it’s something I’ve been working on. I’m trying to be more balanced in my behaviour,” he said, looking almost shy. My heart reacted with frantic thudding. I could tell this was important to him.
I took his hand again. “Like I said back at the bridge, you don’t need to change who you are for me, or anyone else for that matter. You should only ever change for you. I want you to enjoy each day. And whatever that consists of, whatever helps you be happy, that’s what I want for you. So please, don’t feel like you have to constantly watch what you say and do. I’d hate that. I’m not going to be offended if you have an off day or feel down or whatever. Just . . . you know, take care of yourself first and everyone else second.”
He squeezed my hand, and as I studied him I was stunned to see his eyes turn glassy. My pulse thrummed but I didn’t comment on it, because I knew men were weird about showing emotion.
Still, from his reaction I could tell my words had a profound effect on him. He needed to hear them. And maybe I needed to say them. It felt like a weight had been lifted, and as we finished up our meal I sensed a new atmosphere form between us, one of mutual understanding. Mutual respect.
“It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s God’s sick joke, making us love the people who hurt us,” I said, my voice sombre.
Trev’s brows drew together, his lips flattening in a frown, and I realised belatedly that he wasn’t thinking of family anymore. He was thinking of us. He’d hurt me a lot in the past, but I always forgave him.
Until I didn’t.
He dragged his hand across his jaw, rubbing at the stubble as he murmured, “Yeah well, I guess sometimes I’m glad for His sick sense of humour.”
Our meal arrived but the mood between us was subdued. Trev wouldn’t stop looking at me with sad eyes, like I had some kind of terminal disease but he didn’t have the heart to tell me yet.
“If you’re having troubles you can talk to me, you know,” I ventured, hoping he might open up. He’d expressed some of his frustrations back on the bridge, but I knew there was more to it. I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me as freely as he talked to his doctor. If we just put everything out on the table then maybe we could come to some new level of understanding.
His voice was cautious. “Troubles?”
“That whole scene today with Barry, and how you’ve been talking. It makes me worry about you.”
He exhaled a long breath and played with his food a little. “That was just a blip. I’m sort of prone to them if you hadn’t noticed.”
I reached out and placed a hand over his. “And what caused the blip?”
His mouth turned down at the edges. “Frustration, I guess.”
Yeah, join the club. “What have you been frustrated about?” I asked, though I suspected I already knew. I was on the other side of it, after all.
He lifted his gaze to mine. “You.”
His answer caused my cheeks to flush and I willed them to cool down. I traced circles over the top of his hand and cleared my throat. “Can I, uh, help somehow?”
Trev’s gaze darkened substantially, his voice thick when he replied, “Yeah, but I don’t think either one of us is ready for that just yet.”
I looked down at my plate, a smile curling my lips. “Since when did you become the mature one?”
His look was direct. “Since I spent two years without you. I don’t plan on going another two.”
I arched a brow as my lungs filled with exhilaration. It was both thrilling and nerve-wracking to be having this conversation. I couldn’t manage to meet his gaze when I replied quietly, “I wouldn’t like to go another two without you either.”
Trev stayed silent, but his expression spoke volumes. I saw his surprise clear as day and realised he didn’t know how much I’d loved being around him again. Inhaling deeply, he turned his hand to face upward and linked our fingers together. I felt hot in the dim light of the restaurant as I lifted my gaze to his. He never broke eye contact when he brought my hand to his mouth and gently kissed it. Tingles skittered down my spine at the feel of his lips on my skin. Trev let go of my hand and I busied myself shoving a forkful of risotto into my mouth.
He leaned both elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands as his attention travelled from my lips to my nose and over my cheeks. “Can I ask a question?”
“O-of course,” I replied shakily, somewhat affected by the husky quality in his voice.
He hesitated a moment, then said, “This afternoon aside, since we’ve been on this trip, do you feel like my behaviour towards you has been consistent?”
His question was surprising and it took me a second to formulate an answer. “It hasn’t been inconsistent, but it has been unexpected to a certain degree. You told me you wanted to be friends, but you flirt with me all the time.”
Trev arched a brow, seemingly amused by that answer. “Do I?”
I smiled a little. “Don’t give me that. You know you do.”
He smiled back, the expression so bloody handsome. “Yeah, I guess I do. It’s kind of hard not to. Flirting with you was always my favourite pastime.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I remember.”
“You flirted back.”
“Trev, we both know women flirting with you isn’t anything new.”
“Yeah, but it always felt like a little victory when you did it. I remember when we first started hanging out and you’d blush at the tiniest innuendo. Then you finally got used to my filthy mouth and started giving as good as you got. Best fun I ever had.”
“Of course I blushed. I rarely got to spend time with boys when I was growing up, aside from my brothers. And even when I was in college I was never the sort of girl to have ‘guy’ friends. You were like this new, alien species in my life.”
Trev chuckled at that and ate a few bites of his food. I watched as he chewed and swallowed, fascinated by the way his throat moved. He set his fork down and focused his attention on me again.
“Anyway, I just wanted to ask about the whole consistency thing because it’s something I’ve been working on. I’m trying to be more balanced in my behaviour,” he said, looking almost shy. My heart reacted with frantic thudding. I could tell this was important to him.
I took his hand again. “Like I said back at the bridge, you don’t need to change who you are for me, or anyone else for that matter. You should only ever change for you. I want you to enjoy each day. And whatever that consists of, whatever helps you be happy, that’s what I want for you. So please, don’t feel like you have to constantly watch what you say and do. I’d hate that. I’m not going to be offended if you have an off day or feel down or whatever. Just . . . you know, take care of yourself first and everyone else second.”
He squeezed my hand, and as I studied him I was stunned to see his eyes turn glassy. My pulse thrummed but I didn’t comment on it, because I knew men were weird about showing emotion.
Still, from his reaction I could tell my words had a profound effect on him. He needed to hear them. And maybe I needed to say them. It felt like a weight had been lifted, and as we finished up our meal I sensed a new atmosphere form between us, one of mutual understanding. Mutual respect.
