Hearts on Air
Page 70
“Yeah, okay, I’m coming,” he replied gruffly then spoke to me. “Reya, I’m so fucking sorry about this but I have to go. Can I call you back tonight?”
My chest deflated. “Sure,” I said, even though I knew the likelihood of him calling me tonight was slim. “Go do your thing.”
“I will. Talk to you later,” he said, about to hang up.
“Trev.”
“Yeah?”
I swallowed and asked the question that had been weighing on my mind for weeks. “Why don’t you ever invite me to come see you? I’d drop everything in a heartbeat if you just asked.”
There was a long moment of silence and I knew I’d caught him off guard. His deep exhalation filled my ear. “Do you want to come see me?”
“Of course, I do.”
More silence. I knew he was going to give me an excuse as soon as he started talking. “Look, I’d love for you to come, but everything’s so busy and I—”
“Yeah, you already said that. Don’t worry, I get it.”
“Please don’t be like that,” he said on a sigh.
Please don’t be like that? Like what? Someone who wants to see her boyfriend?
I rubbed at my sternum and had a sudden, stark realisation that none of this was ever going to work between us. It was always going to be me waiting around for him and him never having enough time for a girlfriend. For me. Pain seared my lungs as I made a split-second decision, though in truth it had been at the back of my mind for a while now.
“Look Trev, I think we should call it a day. This isn’t working out.”
“What?” he practically screeched. “Reya, don’t you fucking dare.”
“It’s just easier this way. I can’t keep sitting by the phone every night, hoping you’ll call. I can’t live like that anymore.”
Somebody started pestering him about the meeting again and he sounded stressed when he grunted, “Reya, I’ll call you tonight and we’ll figure things out. Don’t do this.”
A crack formed in my heart and my eyes grew watery. “It’s already done,” I whispered and hung up. I was so upset I flung my phone across the room and heard a loud crack when it hit the wall. Tears fell down my cheeks. I hated feeling so unbalanced.
Crawling into bed, I pulled the duvet over my head, squeezed my eyes shut, and cried myself to sleep in the middle of the day.
Was this how my life would always be?
Was I a fool for thinking someone like Trev could give me the love and consistency I wanted? Needed?
Maybe I was. Maybe I just had to get over this pipe dream of him being the perfect boyfriend and realise it was never going to happen. Trev was the boy you loved who never noticed you existed. I needed to love a boy who would make me his entire world.
The next morning, I brought my phone to the repair shop, but it was going to be a few days before it was fixed. In the meantime, I couldn’t afford a burner so I just had to do without. It drove me mad wondering if Trev had been trying to call me, but then again, maybe he hadn’t. I told him we were done. Perhaps I made it easy for him to simply let things lie and focus on what really mattered to him. His career. Now I could fade away and he could fully embrace his new life.
Maybe that was for the best.
“Unfortunately, the SIM was damaged, so we had to give you a new one,” said the repair guy as he slid my phone across the counter and rang up the cost. “But you can still keep your old number.”
I blinked and swallowed. “Oh, right. That’s, uh, that’s good.”
But a part of me was disappointed, because now I would be able to see if Trev tried calling. I would be able to listen to his messages. If he bothered to leave any. It might have been less painful to simply not know. Veins twisted in my heart, because even though I wanted him to want me, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to try again. To hope.
When I got home and powered my phone on, I tapped my fingers on the table top, anxious. A few seconds later it came alive, buzzing with missed calls and texts. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a panic attack coming on. After a few deep breaths, I managed to stave it off. Most of my missed calls were from Trev. They were accompanied by a string of messages spread over the last few days.
Answer your phone. Please. xxx.
We need to talk, Reya. Don’t shut me out.
I love you so bloody much.
Can you please just answer your phone?
Reya, I’m begging you. Don’t do this.
If I have to hear your voicemail one more time I’m going to lose my shit.
Really? REALLY? This is how you’re going to end things? I never took you for a coward.
My heart rate rose higher and higher the further I scrolled through his messages. Then it came to a crashing thud when I reached the final one.
Fine. If this is what you want I’ll leave you alone. Have a nice life.
The finality of his words cut me to the quick. I knew if I’d had my phone the last few days I’d have answered one of those many missed calls. I wasn’t strong enough not to. But maybe this was for the best. Talking to him would only suck me back in. I couldn’t rely on myself to think logically when it came to Trev. This clean break meant I wouldn’t have to test the strength of my conviction. Not seeing or talking to him would make it easier to stay strong.
In spite of this determination, I felt almost as low as I had when I left my parents’ house at eighteen; shunned, rejected, worthless. But I didn’t have the luxury of wallowing. I had to go out and earn money, otherwise my life really would fall into the gutter. I couldn’t afford to stay in bed for days, nursing my bruised heart.
I had to go out there and live.
After all, I’d survived worse.
About two weeks later I was busking in Soho, taking advantage of the tourist crowd, while I sang song after song about heartache. It was my only theme lately. I was probably depressing the crap out of my audience, but there was still a decent bit of cash in my hat. I guess everyone could relate to sadness in some way.
I was midway through a cover of “Elastic Heart” by Sia when I caught sight of a familiar face in the crowd. Trev stood outside a shop on the other side of the street, crowds of people passing by while his blue eyes stayed locked on me. The song was oddly appropriate.
Fire scored my veins.
Lack of air suffocated my lungs.
Pain consumed my heart.
My chest deflated. “Sure,” I said, even though I knew the likelihood of him calling me tonight was slim. “Go do your thing.”
“I will. Talk to you later,” he said, about to hang up.
“Trev.”
“Yeah?”
I swallowed and asked the question that had been weighing on my mind for weeks. “Why don’t you ever invite me to come see you? I’d drop everything in a heartbeat if you just asked.”
There was a long moment of silence and I knew I’d caught him off guard. His deep exhalation filled my ear. “Do you want to come see me?”
“Of course, I do.”
More silence. I knew he was going to give me an excuse as soon as he started talking. “Look, I’d love for you to come, but everything’s so busy and I—”
“Yeah, you already said that. Don’t worry, I get it.”
“Please don’t be like that,” he said on a sigh.
Please don’t be like that? Like what? Someone who wants to see her boyfriend?
I rubbed at my sternum and had a sudden, stark realisation that none of this was ever going to work between us. It was always going to be me waiting around for him and him never having enough time for a girlfriend. For me. Pain seared my lungs as I made a split-second decision, though in truth it had been at the back of my mind for a while now.
“Look Trev, I think we should call it a day. This isn’t working out.”
“What?” he practically screeched. “Reya, don’t you fucking dare.”
“It’s just easier this way. I can’t keep sitting by the phone every night, hoping you’ll call. I can’t live like that anymore.”
Somebody started pestering him about the meeting again and he sounded stressed when he grunted, “Reya, I’ll call you tonight and we’ll figure things out. Don’t do this.”
A crack formed in my heart and my eyes grew watery. “It’s already done,” I whispered and hung up. I was so upset I flung my phone across the room and heard a loud crack when it hit the wall. Tears fell down my cheeks. I hated feeling so unbalanced.
Crawling into bed, I pulled the duvet over my head, squeezed my eyes shut, and cried myself to sleep in the middle of the day.
Was this how my life would always be?
Was I a fool for thinking someone like Trev could give me the love and consistency I wanted? Needed?
Maybe I was. Maybe I just had to get over this pipe dream of him being the perfect boyfriend and realise it was never going to happen. Trev was the boy you loved who never noticed you existed. I needed to love a boy who would make me his entire world.
The next morning, I brought my phone to the repair shop, but it was going to be a few days before it was fixed. In the meantime, I couldn’t afford a burner so I just had to do without. It drove me mad wondering if Trev had been trying to call me, but then again, maybe he hadn’t. I told him we were done. Perhaps I made it easy for him to simply let things lie and focus on what really mattered to him. His career. Now I could fade away and he could fully embrace his new life.
Maybe that was for the best.
“Unfortunately, the SIM was damaged, so we had to give you a new one,” said the repair guy as he slid my phone across the counter and rang up the cost. “But you can still keep your old number.”
I blinked and swallowed. “Oh, right. That’s, uh, that’s good.”
But a part of me was disappointed, because now I would be able to see if Trev tried calling. I would be able to listen to his messages. If he bothered to leave any. It might have been less painful to simply not know. Veins twisted in my heart, because even though I wanted him to want me, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to try again. To hope.
When I got home and powered my phone on, I tapped my fingers on the table top, anxious. A few seconds later it came alive, buzzing with missed calls and texts. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a panic attack coming on. After a few deep breaths, I managed to stave it off. Most of my missed calls were from Trev. They were accompanied by a string of messages spread over the last few days.
Answer your phone. Please. xxx.
We need to talk, Reya. Don’t shut me out.
I love you so bloody much.
Can you please just answer your phone?
Reya, I’m begging you. Don’t do this.
If I have to hear your voicemail one more time I’m going to lose my shit.
Really? REALLY? This is how you’re going to end things? I never took you for a coward.
My heart rate rose higher and higher the further I scrolled through his messages. Then it came to a crashing thud when I reached the final one.
Fine. If this is what you want I’ll leave you alone. Have a nice life.
The finality of his words cut me to the quick. I knew if I’d had my phone the last few days I’d have answered one of those many missed calls. I wasn’t strong enough not to. But maybe this was for the best. Talking to him would only suck me back in. I couldn’t rely on myself to think logically when it came to Trev. This clean break meant I wouldn’t have to test the strength of my conviction. Not seeing or talking to him would make it easier to stay strong.
In spite of this determination, I felt almost as low as I had when I left my parents’ house at eighteen; shunned, rejected, worthless. But I didn’t have the luxury of wallowing. I had to go out and earn money, otherwise my life really would fall into the gutter. I couldn’t afford to stay in bed for days, nursing my bruised heart.
I had to go out there and live.
After all, I’d survived worse.
About two weeks later I was busking in Soho, taking advantage of the tourist crowd, while I sang song after song about heartache. It was my only theme lately. I was probably depressing the crap out of my audience, but there was still a decent bit of cash in my hat. I guess everyone could relate to sadness in some way.
I was midway through a cover of “Elastic Heart” by Sia when I caught sight of a familiar face in the crowd. Trev stood outside a shop on the other side of the street, crowds of people passing by while his blue eyes stayed locked on me. The song was oddly appropriate.
Fire scored my veins.
Lack of air suffocated my lungs.
Pain consumed my heart.
